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[Cindy]

Hi Darling

Cindy in a very hot South Australia.

Welcome, the Aussies tend to be on this time of night.  So you may get a hello from a few of us.

Well are you TG?

Who can say?

The thing about gender identity is that it is very normal to explore it and very normal to question it. I'm not sure of your age but you have obviously had relationships and grown in an emotional way, which is great. It means you are attune to you feelings and from your post a mature woman who can deal with them.

Are you a woman?

There are no proofs at all, I'm a woman with XY chromosomes, I know many men with XX chromosomes.

It is how our brain accepts our gender.

How to sort it out? Well we keep saying it like the broken record.
A therapist specialising in gender dysmorphia.

Depending where you are and what country and what money and what insurance you have contacting a therapist changes.

But to get hormonal and eventual surgical re-assignment, if you wish takes that journey, you need one.

It is by the way a journey.

No one has the same goal, and no one walks the same path.

But we are here for you.

Hugs

Cindy

[Beverly]

Ok... here are my thoughts on what you have typed.

My biggest issue with my body is my body hair. To me, having body hair is a masculine trait, regardless of whether genetic women also have body hair to a certain degree.

You can have this removed by laser treatment or by waxing/epilating. You do not need to transition to remove body hair.

To be honest, I don't really feel like there's anything wrong with me being male. I feel like I can be myself 100% while keeping my penis (It's society that won't allow this). I feel this way because I feel like  I can exist happily as long as I can be a feminine being. I don't feel like women are the only ones capable of being feminine, males can be feminine as well, and vice versa.

Well, if that is the case why do you feel a need to transition? Have you always had a persistent, nagging doubt about your masculinity?

But I still question why I'm fine with having a penis, as it is undoubtedly the most masculine thing about me.

Have you ever considered that you might have body dysmorphia? Or did you have an early religious upbringing? I know of several men educated by priests who were inculcated with such a sense of wrongness about their genitals that they can barely touch themselves when going to the toilet.

I think maybe I feel like a female is not defined by her vagina and breasts. I think that transgender people are proof of this. You can have somebody who is genetically female, but presents as a male and feels like a male. Is he a woman just because he has a vagina and
breasts? Not according to him.

Indeed.

I'm not sure if this makes me transgender or not, but I want to appear as a woman. I want to look  like one. I want to have long hair, a female face, and the option of wearing makeup and female clothes, because that's when I feel like I'm best representing my inner self.

Being genetically male, and presenting as such, I'm not allowed to do these things. Even if my face is quite feminine already, I can't grow my hair out or wear makeup.

Without wishing to be flip or blasé what is stopping you from growing your hair? You can have any length of hair you wish. There are lots of men that have long hair. You can even start wearing female clothes and people will not notice. Try a fitted plain blouse or bootcut jeans to start with. Grow your nails longer and start with clear polish on them.

This is because of the social roles that we are forced into. I'm forced into the social role of being a man, which I'm not, and I feel trapped in a man's social role. I want to be treated as a woman.

You are only trapped in a man's social role because you let yourself be trapped there. It may not seem like that but that is how it really is. Most people do not care what role you use. Trust me, I know from experience. I thought that when I first went out, badly overdressed, that everyone in the street would stop and stare at me. There were one or nudges and some curious looks but no one stopped and screamed "Oh my God - it is a man in a dress" at me. I was almost disappointed by what a non-event is was.

I want my boyfriend to see me as a woman, even with my male genitals. I want the pros as well as the cons of being perceived as female in this society.

How is that going to work? If he is gay he wants a male in his life. If you start insisting on being treated as female I doubt he will be best pleased.

Right now, I wouldn't mind having a female body, but that's not why I want to transition at all. It's all about the freedom to act and look like my true self in all situations, which being seen as female would give me.

Have you ever tried living as female? Even for one day?

I also would like ffs, but for now that's not a priority as I feel that within time, hormones
might be enough to make me pass. I can always consider it after a year or two on hormones.

What I have discovered for myself is that passing is largely in your head. Neither FFS nor hormones will help you if your head is 'wrong'. I know of MTFs who are post-op and who get 'read' all the time. I know of others who are pre-op and pass all the time. A lot of it is in the head, mannerisms, voice - things that are unaffected by HRT.

I think you have more thinking to do. Have you ever gone along to a trans support group and met trans-women? Have you spoken to a doctor about being trans?

[Cindy]

There are lots of hang ups and we all have them.

Be you.

I think after being through my sessions and reading others it all comes back to: Be you

[Beverly]

Also, one more thing. Is it really impossible for one to be transgender if they're fine with their genitals? Is that really all transitioning is ever about?

Transitioning has nothing to do with your genitals. I was asking because there are closely related conditions like dysmorphia which require completely different treatment from gender dysphoria. The clinical diagnosis for gender dysphoria has four components


- A desire or insistence that one is of the opposite biological sex (that is not due to a perceived advantage of being the other sex)

- Evidence of persistent discomfort with, and perceived inappropriateness of the individual's biological sex

- The individual is not intersex (although a diagnosis of GID Not Otherwise Specified is available, which enables intersex people who reject their sex-assignment to access transsexual treatments)

- Evidence of clinically significant distress or impairment in work or social life.


How do you feel you match to those criteria?

For me, it'd be about my role in society, as well feeling comfortable expressing my true self to the fullest.

Well that is true. The real question here is "What is your true self?" and that is really what you need to uncover. To go back to your other reply, you say "HRT counts as transitioning". Well, not really. People transition without HRT although most of us do HRT. Many of us start without it or start before its effects are really obvious. Some practitioners insist on transitioning BEFORE you get HRT to see if you can cope with the social impact of being female. That is why I was asking if you had ever tried spending any time as female.

I know some people here suggest going somewhere like a motel, getting dressed as female and spending one whole day trying to live as female to see how it makes you feel, but without support that can be one scary thing to try. So I think you should seek out a trans support group or a therapist specialising in gender issues so that you get real face to face contact with people who deal with this all the time.

From what you say, there is nothing that precludes you from transitioning - as long as you are 100% sure it is the right thing for you.

[Elspeth]

I'm worried though that if I say things such as "I'm fine with my penis", then they'll completely rule out the possibility of me being trans, and I won't be able to explore my options for transition such as going on hormones.

Thirty years ago this might have been more of a problem. Today there are many who choose to transition socially without going for SRS. The gatekeepers are increasingly realizing that you need to make the choices that work for you.

Two-spirited individuals in Hopi culture did not cut off their genitalia, as far as anyone knows. What they did with them in intimate situations is something we don't really know. They did have the advantage of living in a culture where gender definition was done in early childhood, and was determined mainly by the person most affected, the child herself. (Or himself).

SRS is a reflection of the larger society.

From what you describe it does strike me that you are somewhat dysphoric about them, though. Not wanting to use them in intimate contact, wanting your lovers to basically pretend they aren't there is hardly a typical "male" response.

What you probably will want to explore in depth with a therapist, and perhaps with friends you feel you can trust, some of whom may have insights your therapist may not, is just how to cope with this in the specifics. There are no perfect answers, given the widespread misogyny that affects most of the cultures that dominate this world at the moment. Transitioning in the "classic" sense is not going to get rid of transphobia and misogyny. 

You may also need to come to grips with how you interact with men.  I had many opportunities to have sex with men, and far fewer to start any kind of lasting relationship with one. I didn't find sex with them unpleasant, but I also made sure that I was usually focused on their pleasure, and in the last encounter I had, I made it more than clear to him that I was to be treated as female or not at all.  He hasn't called back since then, but I think that's because he's paranoid about losing his wife and children, and maybe he was trying to explore some kind of trans issues of his own -- though that bit I find doubtful. Still, he took a year of flirting with me before he made his move.

I suppose one thing to ask yourself is, if all other things were equal, would you prefer to have been born with a penis and all that, or a vagina and the rest of a female reproductive tract? Are you "okay with" your penis because you want to make peace with being born as you were? Or is there any greater attachment to it than that? What you describe sounds to me like you don't really want to be using it, at least not sexually. But I don't want to project my own feelings onto yours.

Be careful in selecting a therapist... there are probably those who may try to negotiate with you, thinking they are doing you a favor. For your own peace of mind, though, you may want to take your time and use considerable care in thinking (and feeling) through what your genitalia mean to you.

[Nero]

Also, one more thing. Is it really impossible for one to be transgender if they're fine with their genitals? Is that really all transitioning is ever about?

I transitioned with my female genitalia intact. It wasn't about that for me.

[Elspeth]

I transitioned with my female genitalia intact. It wasn't about that for me.

This has been one of the more commented upon differences, at least in some of the older lit, between FTMs and MTFs, but I have to wonder how much of it has to do with a number of practical and timing factors.

Only in the last few weeks did I read that FTMs are now the majority of those seeking various transgender-related services -- hormones, surgeries, etc. For a long time, especially during the 70s and 80s, it seemed to me there was tremendous pressure, especially within tight-knit lesbian communities, for transmen to identity as butch lesbians, a pressure that had very little counterpart within the gay male communities where many tranwomen tried to adapt themselves.  So many different social factors going on there that I don't want to oversimplify it and run into what typically becomes a very long, mostly fruitless conversation.

The shorthand version has usually been to point out that bottom surgeries for FTMs tend to be seen by many transmen as inadequate, particular in terms of creating a convincing set of genitals that would allow a transman to adopt "deep stealth."

I tend to think this is actually also an indication of how deep misogyny runs in the culture, since, one reason MTFs have had more of a stealth option has to do with the number of men who are afraid of vaginas and have never really examined one closely enough to be able to tell whether one was developed at birth or constructed surgically.

So many other factors are at work here, but, at least with my last therapist, he was so squeamish about discussing sex in any detail, that we rarely even got onto this subject in anything like the kind of detail I would have wanted to discuss. Best not to get started on him again, especially when I'm about to leave to meet a new therapist I hope might be a little better, or at least one who might give me a better referral to someone more likely to meet my needs.

[Zumbagirl]

SRS is a reflection of the larger society.

It doesn't bother me if some one wants to live without the surgery. I am comfortable with my own self and I'm not really worried about labels just my own. I had surgery for my own reasons which are related to genitals not society. If I did it all over again but in 2013 I would still get the surgery no matter if no one else ever saw it.

[Emily Aster]

I'm worried though that if I say things such as "I'm fine with my penis", then they'll completely rule out the possibility of me being trans, and I won't be able to explore my options for transition such as going on hormones.

When I first found out I wasn't alone, it looked a lot like you had to follow a very specific path to get to a transition. You had to say certain things and "want" to be a certain way. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore. If I told my therapist I needed to be a woman, but dress like a guy, it wouldn't make her any less like to consider me trans. I wouldn't really worry about what you say being the wrong thing to say.

You seem to have pretty clear ideas of who you are, but you're questioning whether or not you fit a label. Labels don't really mean anything. They're just words. Just be honest with your therapist. Say what's really on your mind. This is not the time to be faking it because you could end up on a path that's not right for you and feel worse. I'm not a therapist, but my personal opinion is that you are transgendered. What level of ->-bleeped-<- you're at, that's something you need to answer.

[LilDevilOfPrada]

For me I knew it only when I started to date girls.

But there were so many signs but I ignored them because I was scared to be less of a man.

Something just occured to me while I was dating this girl that everything felt out of place, a year after it all made sense and I knew who I was.

No one can tell you that you are female or male its something you must learn and be certain of for yourself.

[peky]

After carefully considering you long post I conclude that your are 100% female. Welcome to the sisterhood sis, and happy "affirming journey" (Transitioning)

Dr. Peky

[Beverly]

I actually told my dad today that I'm confused about my gender, and he was very supportive. And now I'm here, with all your support. I feel really elated right now ^_^

Good. I am glad that it went well for you. Telling someone is difficult, but it gets easier to tell the next person once you have done it.

I want to thank you, Bev, for being upfront with me, and forcing me to question myself and my reasons for wanting to transitioning. I'll continue to think deeply about all of this.

As the others have said - be yourself. Once you are sure about yourself you will know what to do. Keep asking us questions, keep asking us about whatever you want to know. Susans is a resource for you as well and unlike many therapists we know what it is like to be TG from the inside.

Good luck with everything and thank you for your kind words.

Beverley

[MagicKitty]

Are you transgender... Yes, and No. You are whatever you want to be, and you are everything that you cannot help, too. Are you simply gay and fem? Who knows. Do you want breasts and a vagina? When you look in the mirror, do you see a man, if so, do you try to alter what you see to become more feminine?

It's not the same for everyone. I know I'm trans, it wasn't always that way. I used to be comfortable with my dick, and now it's simply there. I used to not want SRS, because I saw it as a waste of money, I could get my balls removed instead. But things change, and now I'd rather get SRS. I used to identify as genderqueer, as I wanted to keep some masculinity, as it's grown on me throughout my life. But I find that in the past yr, i'm far more accepting of letting go of my masculinity. I've wanted breasts since about when puberty started, I used to imagine having a vagina. But then I completely rejected the idea/ embraced it on and off for a few yrs.

The idea of saying "I am a female" is still hard for me to grasp, terrifying to think about saying, even though it's everything I want, everything I picture myself as when I look in the mirror. We're all different. Don't be pressured to start hormones if it's not what you want.