Getting used to female pronouns.

[Alex_K]

Hi there!

I'd like to ask you people one thing: was it difficult for you to get used to being called by the pronouns of the gender you are transitioning to?

I was born a he, and I'm transitioning to a she. I found out that when I'm talking with a friend and I'm dressed as a woman with make up and all, i'm ok with being refered to as female (it's actually encouraging and I welcome it very much when a friend does it). It's still something that I have to get used to and that feels a bit weird, but I suppose that this is a natural feeling.
But the other day I went with a friend to a bar after work. I haven't yet told anything at work and I wont until I begin HRT, so I was in male mode. My friend knows that i'm transitioning, so he kept using female pronouns on me. Whenever he did, I felt like "thanks for the effort, but look at me: I'm a man". The "I'm a man" sentence keeps echoing in my head and is undermining my transition (and my self-steem in a way). I no longer know if it's me looking at the mirror and saying "you'll never pass; you'll always be more successful in anything you attempt in life as a man", or something from the depths warning me that I shouldn't transition, or just my tendence to doubt about it all and spin any subject ad nauseam.

When I present myself as a woman, it's all so clear... and yet, whenever I present as a man i'm all about "f**k, just look at you... you'll never make it!!".

Does anyone else have this crazy doubts?? I sometimes feel like I'm losing my grip and it's a nasty feeling.

[Nero]

Ya know, I seem to remember feeling similar. I felt awkward when people used my new name and pronouns when I was pre-transition. You'll get used to it as you move forward.

Doubts are normal.

[suzifrommd]

Whenever he did, I felt like "thanks for the effort, but look at me: I'm a man". The "I'm a man" sentence keeps echoing in my head and is undermining my transition (and my self-steem in a way).

...

Does anyone else have this crazy doubts?? I sometimes feel like I'm losing my grip and it's a nasty feeling.

Yes, me, used to be all the time. I think I've been able to quiet them. I have a unique take on all this.

As a transwoman, I have a structure in my brain that wants me to be female.

But that alone doesn't make me female. Maleness/femaleness is also a function of the body I inhabit, the clothes I wear, the way people treat me, the way I act, and my self image. All of that is changing as I transition. I AM becoming more female, or that's the way I'm experiencing it. As I do, female pronouns become more comfortable for me.

(Now I'll just wait until the trans police comes and hauls me away for saying that).

[Nero]

Whenever he did, I felt like "thanks for the effort, but look at me: I'm a man". The "I'm a man" sentence keeps echoing in my head and is undermining my transition (and my self-steem in a way).

...

Does anyone else have this crazy doubts?? I sometimes feel like I'm losing my grip and it's a nasty feeling.

Yes, me, used to be all the time. I think I've been able to quiet them. I have a unique take on all this.

As a transwoman, I have a structure in my brain that wants me to be female.

But that alone doesn't make me female. Maleness/femaleness is also a function of the body I inhabit, the clothes I wear, the way people treat me, the way I act, and my self image. All of that is changing as I transition. I AM becoming more female, or that's the way I'm experiencing it. As I do, female pronouns become more comfortable for me.

(Now I'll just wait until the trans police comes and hauls me away for saying that).

No trans pattywagon yet (wonder what that would look like), but that is an interesting statement.

[Brooke777]

I expect people to use female pronouns when speaking to/about me. I am a woman and should be referred to as such. It's kind of funny. If I am speaking or emailing with someone who knew me before I went full time and they use female pronouns I get a little smile on my face. So I don't think I am completely used to it yet.

[Keaira]

When I came out at work and people began calling me by female pronouns, I would get nervous. It felt like someone let the cat out of the bag. This thing I had hidden for so long was out in the open.

Now though I am happy when someone uses the right pronouns. With as hard as I've fought for it, being called by female pronouns is a mark of pride and a badge of honor in my mind.

[Tristan]

I always thought it was fun when I was pre op at first and people started to say she. I would just smile

[Alex_K]

But that alone doesn't make me female. Maleness/femaleness is also a function of the body I inhabit, the clothes I wear, the way people treat me, the way I act, and my self image. All of that is changing as I transition. I AM becoming more female, or that's the way I'm experiencing it. As I do, female pronouns become more comfortable for me.

That's me. Thanks for describing it so well :-)

[AlexD]

That's me. Thanks for describing it so well :-)

And thank you for posting this thread. I'm still questioning (FtM) and one of the major things for me is the feeling that I'm just not male enough to be trans -- I still find it kind of weird to think of myself as he, son, brother; I don't have male mannerisms; I don't really know how to relate to men; I don't have a lot of interest in many stereotyipical guy things; etc... but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this doesn't necessarily make me any less male, because not even cismen are born with the ability to do any of these things -- it only comes with experience, and at least they didn't have to abandon an old set of behaviours before they could adopt their new ones.

[Zeda]

Alex_K: Your post describes my feelings to a tee! I decided a few days ago to update everybody on my facebook about what happens during transition, the process, and where I am currently at. When I first came out, a friend asked me to tell her when I wanted her to use feminine pronouns, so I also addressed that:

People may ask which gender pronouns I prefer. Personally, I still feel really awkward with feminine pronouns in person. I generally present myself as male or masculine, so it makes me feel more uncomfortable being reminded of the incongruence with my mind and body. However, whether you choose masculine or feminine pronouns, I won't at all be offended. I am too shy to start presenting as female and I will be for a while until I get a few things down (like my voice).

I think that if people start to refer to me with feminine pronouns when I am not presenting as female, then when I do present as female and they use the appropriate pronouns I will get self conscious. However, in all honesty I know I won't feel that way when the time comes. I am more nervous about when I will become "sister", "daughter", "aunt", and "granddaughter." x.x

Plus, I don't like making people feel awkward because of something I want. I would rather be uncomfortable than have other people leave their comfort zones for me. This is probably the same reason for why I didn't come out sooner.

And thank you for posting this thread. I'm still questioning (FtM) and one of the major things for me is the feeling that I'm just not male enough to be trans -- I still find it kind of weird to think of myself as he, son, brother; I don't have male mannerisms; I don't really know how to relate to men; I don't have a lot of interest in many stereotyipical guy things; etc... but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this doesn't necessarily make me any less male, because not even cismen are born with the ability to do any of these things -- it only comes with experience, and at least they didn't have to abandon an old set of behaviours before they could adopt their new ones.

You sound like my husband o.o If it wasn't for the fact that he goes by a different name and he doesn't have internet at the moment, I would ask if it was you >.> He is a questioning FtM (I have been using masculine pronouns so that I can be used to it and so that he can be). He identifies as transgender for sure, though he says that if/when he does transition, he will be a very effeminate guy XD Family and friends don't get it, but I think I do. It is tough to explain, but they always say, "but you are so feminine and girly, you have always been our girl." When a person has been gendered a certain way all of their life, it is easy to default to that role. He was never raised as a guy, so he doesn't even know how to act like one. He just knows that he doesn't like being considered a girl or woman. Also, he is very artistic and it is a prerequisite to be a bit strange. If he isn't like the other guys, that just means I got the unique one that isn't afraid to be hisself 3:)

[Alex_K]

You sound like my husband o.o If it wasn't for the fact that he goes by a different name and he doesn't have internet at the moment, I would ask if it was you >.> He is a questioning FtM (I have been using masculine pronouns so that I can be used to it and so that he can be). He identifies as transgender for sure, though he says that if/when he does transition, he will be a very effeminate guy XD Family and friends don't get it, but I think I do. It is tough to explain, but they always say, "but you are so feminine and girly, you have always been our girl." When a person has been gendered a certain way all of their life, it is easy to default to that role. He was never raised as a guy, so he doesn't even know how to act like one. He just knows that he doesn't like being considered a girl or woman. Also, he is very artistic and it is a prerequisite to be a bit strange. If he isn't like the other guys, that just means I got the unique one that isn't afraid to be hisself 3:)

That defines me too (MtF in my case). I was raised as a boy, and I did the best I could to fit in. At some points, I enjoyed being a guy... it's not like I've been all the time depressed and suicidal about it. But guess what: no matter how hard you try; the more you hide the dysphoria under the rug, the bigger it gets. I suppose that dysphoria comes with different degrees; some people feel certain about it in a very early age and need very badly to make the change, and some others can go on for a time with the gender they were born with, until it gets unbearable.

[Zeda]

I've noticed that it comes in cycles for me. Sometimes it is unbearable to be a guy, sometimes it is quite okay, and most of the time I can mostly bare my lot in life. It is terrible because when being a guy is unbearable, I do things like expand my wardrobe, talk to people about my transgenderness (I made that word up) and I try to take steps in my transition. Then after a little while, that goes away and I start seeing myself in the mirror, a little depressed. I'll go for weeks at a time without trying makeup or clothes, then suddenly one morning I will be up bright and early, all happy and cheerful, I put on some flattering makeup, get out my whole wardrobe to try on outfits until I settle on something, and I hardly touch guy clothes after that. Actually, this past time I actually mixed some of my guy shirts into the collection because they go well with the rest of the outfit.

[Sarah Blomsterhatt]

I live in a very small town. (Some 5,500 inhabitents.) The day I finally was able to choose a name (Had so many options!) was the day that I told the people closest to me (the rest of the cast of the play I was starring in at the time.) that from this day onward I wish to be called Sarah and wish them to use female pronouns. These are the only people that I've said this to, yet now, not even a year later, everyone I know in this town calls me Sarah, and always her, she etc. And on the few occations where someone use the wrong pronoun, the person gets corrected quickly.

I'm so lucky to have an army supporting me, and I will feel sad when I'm moving away from here. In the beginning I smiled alot whenever someone used the correct name or pronoun, now, it's just a everyday occurance, nothing special. And I feel like I've been called Sarah, she, her etc. my whole life.

/S

[smile_jma]

It's weird for me. Even before I started anything, SOMETIMES people referred to me with female pronouns.  The only bad part for me is that the voice doesn't match the pronouns.  Not at all...