MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

I  called a doctor who does PRP ( platelet rich plasma) for hair stem cell stimulation. The cost is between $600 to $800. I will call back Tuesday and schedule an appointment. I am excited. The nurse asked if I have high T, I said no I do not (I was laughing inside). She did not ask how I knew I don't have high T. My T is <20 ng/dl so it is much lower than hers. She said she had the treatment and grew hair well

I have the dinner with my brother tomorrow. I remembered something last night ( another 3 hour night sleep), about 25 years ago Oprah had a show that was shown on prime time. It was about her experiences with sex abuse, rape and incest. There was a lot of advertising leading up to the show. My brother called the night before the show (I never watched the show) and told me the show was going to be on tomorrow and what it was about. He asked me 5 or 6 times is I wanted to say anything. Each time I said no. I was numb, herd a ringing and felt a little sick.

When I awoke last night I was dreaming the conversation, like it just happened. I had forgotten it from long ago. I guess we both have been affected by the events. I can not wait for the dinner to be over.

Funny but awkward,
Today I was at the service center, I talk to them a few times a day and they are friends. Well one on my work friends was there too. He said something about my hair and she said I was not going to cut it for another year and he made a face and said why. Then she said I was foing to get my ears pierced in May and he said, oh god no, why? I do not know you.

[Rachel]

The dinner'
last night I went to my brothers for dinner. My brothers and sisters daughters are my height . Nice to look a girls eye to eye. Only my brother-in-law made a comment about my hair (looks like you are ready to go to Colorado for some weed). Which I just smiled and said yah.

The event was really nice. I guess my fears were just me over thinking and obsessing. I felt bad for my brother, brother-in-law and sister. My brother ( he looked really bad), had 2 vicodin an antihistamine and alcohol; brother-in-law and sister had a lot of alcohol too. My wife has 2 glasses of wine. My brother-in-law offered me a beer 3 times and each time he was told be me and my wife I am an alcoholic, no. I guess they were all to into something else to notice any changes or they just do not care. I was so surprised.

When I got home my wife was horney, the alcohol. I brought up that she called and thinks I am a freak. She said she loves me and was mad. She knows the word freak hurts me and she wanted to hurt me then but she loves me very much. She then said come on baby, lets get our freak on. We did.

I slept for 10 hours, awoke and feel like I can make this work and I am so happy I came out (a least to those I have already).

[Rachel]

Went to the new  therapist today, Elizabeth Byrne.

1) We discussed some specifics already reviewed in the past.

2) Booked February

3) Last session with Alison Monday

4) Want to see my procedure will do and not right now list next visit.

5) I told her my faults. I hide my feelings, thoughts and desires. I use defenses instead of expressing my wants and needs.

6) Wants  see my list of vitamins I take, a lot.

We confirmed we will be a good fit.

[cynthialee]

That is good news.
I am sure you will do fine with this new therapist. The desire to progress on your part really pretty much cinches the deal with any competent gender therapist.


So how has the world been treating you? Any changes in social reactions with strangers?

[Rachel]

Hi Cynthialee, Hugs.

Well, I get a lot of small reactions for people who know me. Mostly comments about my hair and how long I plan to let it grow (6 inches below my shoulder). Also, I get comments about my planned ear piercings on May 28th. My Boss is always saying to stop smiling at him. People I see frequently at work I get a lot of smiles and discussion from women and some guys. Co-workers who I see casually are definitely more talkative, guys and girls. I would say friendly. Most total strainers are busy going about their lives and I did not notice anything from complete strainers. 

A co-worker told me something in confidence and in private today. He said his two sons came out of the closet to he and his wife last night. I was very reassuring and offered him some great resources. We talked over 45 minutes. I wonder why he discussed it with me


I reviewed the list of what I want to do, how I want to present in the near term and procedures I want (all are covered through insurance). She mentioned we could do role play as though I am discussing it with my wife. I am having a major issue dealing with executing discussing what I with my wife. I have had only severe negative reactions to trans* issues.

I need to get some areas of my scalp corrected so I have a full head of hair (or much fuller). Even with this, I brushed by hair in a famine style (not back) and I can see someone emerging in the mirror I mean a different face looking back. I can not wait till May 28th.

[Rachel]

Went to my last session with Alison today and we discussed:

1) All the progress I made this 1 year and a week. Acceptance, coming out to a select few, HRT and dealing with some intense traumas. I came to her with the house burnt down to the ground and fragile. She helped me survive, accept and bloom. I owe her much more than a thank you and a hug. Alison wants to see my pic when I have my look. I know what I want and I can see me clearly. I want to deliver the pic in person.

2) I went over the will do, want to do and may do items. There are two charts, one with non-insurance items and the second with insurance procedures. I need to work out how to discuss and review the lists with my wife but after it is fully vetted with Liz my new therapist. If we mesh well and I have support and great insight then I will proceed sooner, if not then I will seek out another therapist.

Sad to say good by to Alison. I had tears and some laughs today with her. I hope she finds what she is looking for.

[DuckyAlexis]

You've made a lot of progress this past year, it seems, with Alison, but hopefully new therapist will be a good match and can continue work you started with Alison.  It's always tough losing a good therapist who you mesh well with.  How are your lists looking so far? And how have things  been with wife and daughter lately?

Lexi

[cynthialee]

Awesome.

[Rachel]

Alison is amazing. There are reasons some people are so in tune with our issues. We had common trauma and she knows trans* inside and out. Married to a Transman, worked at Mazzoni, William Way, taught at U of P and had at one time organized the Phila. Trans Health Conference and provided health care provider credits at the PTFC. She is a wonderful caring person. Yes, difficult to replace .

The charts are done and printed; 1 copy went to Alison and 1 to go to Liz next week. If I can figure out how to post it I would.

Daughter, we had a conversation about her calling me names and being demeaning tonight. She said it is all in fun. I will step up pressure in measured amounts each time going forward.

Wife, I have come to the conclusion if I said I needed anything beyond current items she will have an extreme reaction. I need to practice and prepare then share the information. (The charts could be used against me in a divorce court). The next level of agency and identity will be every bit as tough and the last year but in different ways.   

I am 8 months HRT and for some reason the bar keeping track of the days no longer had the meaning it once had (I removed it). I think I will be on HRT for a while maybe longer (30 years). I feel the best I have in my life or since 11.

[Rachel]

I went to the new therapist today (2nd time). We discussed:

1) I gave her a copy of the spreadsheet defining what I will, I want and may do. It is separated by no insurance needed then insurance covered then Company covered that is not covered by insurance. All boxed offered for a MTF are marked in a box. GRS is a may do but will become will do if I separate, divorce or if we decide it is a correct action and remain married.

If I showed my wife the list she will have a melt down. Liz recommended not showing her the list and work from the list one by one. When I addressed not wanting to cause my wife pain she said what I want to do is the truth, you are not hiding and sometimes the truth hurts others. This is who you are and what you want and she needs to work out her feelings. She recommended individual and group sessions now. I think she is right. I really like this!


2) I have home work. I need to come up with three positive mantras. I was thinking something about fear, addressing those who challenge and ridicule. Any help or suggestions would be welcome. I really like this!

3) Wet over some past events.

I had a cup of coffee waiting for the session in a Starbucks at 12th and Walnut in the gayborhood. I had a dysphoric time early this morning.  It is about not going through with self castration when I was very young. I was thinking of this when I was watching a teen MTF on the street. She had her belonging and was meandering. I thought what if I transitioned and ended out on the street. I would have had HIV many years ago and died. I guess seeing others helps to put things into perspective. I guess I think my issues would have ended at the castration but that is not true. My issues will end when I address them.

Hey, I no longer have GID, I am cured. I now have GD or so the insurance form says. 

[cynthialee]

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear - From Frank Herbert's Dune Book Series

[Rachel]

Hugs Cynthialee,

I have that written down Dune is one of my favorites.

I think you were right. Repeating the last year in fast forward with a fresh set of eyes has shifted the transition to mine.

[Allie]

Cynthia Michelle I love coming back to Susan's and reading this thread. There is so much strength in you, you have overcome so many fears. At this point in my transition fear is the only thing that I am really dealing with internally, the guilt and self-loathing are done...I accept myself. Everything else is pretty much just mechanics and time. It's amazing where you have come in a year, I am so happy for you!!

It seems that your wife is more accepting. I have found that there are not very many support groups for spouses. Sometimes my wife needs to talk to someone and there just isn't anyone where she can have that face to face conversation. There are online groups but it isn't what she's looking for. Seems many spouses just don't stick around.

May 28th is that your full time date??

[carrie359]

Cynthia,
I can relate so much to everything you say.  Seems I am just a few steps behind you.
My wife had a meltdown this morning... has to do with my son finding out someday.. my wife is still hoping I will somehow change my mind about transition.
I have decided best not to talk about it anymore with her unless she wants to.. we both just get upset and end up crying..
She won't kiss me on the lips anymore.. says I am to feminine now..and that my lips feel like girl lips.. too soft.. that really caught me off guard.
Also sex is out now she says she is no longer attracted to me at all but still loves me.. so I see where this is going.  Not that I have much sex drive but damn do I love to cuddle a lot...its weird.
I appreciate you posts... I missed my therapy last week because of weather and I really needed to go and was looking forward to it so to read something I can relate to so closely really helps.. so thank you..so much
Carrie

[Rachel]

Hugs, Allie and Carrie,

Allie, my therapy home work (the new therapist gives home work to be completed between sessions. I have a signed agreement and need to do the home work or risk ending therapy) was to come up with three mantras for Tuesday. There are to be what are my greatest present concerns. Here you go:

Mantras
CJ 2-8-2014

I am not afraid of my truth anymore and I will not omit pieces of me to make you comfortable.

I am transgender and I am doing what makes me feel right to the extent I want.

Gender is something I will not compromise; I am Loving, Caring, and Female.



My first mantra is about fear. I think beating fear for me may be my #1 objective. May 28th is my 1 year HRT. I will get my ears pierced to celebrate. I had intended to come out fully but at the 8 month mark I just need to do so much to be comfortable and feel pretty or at least decent. I had intended that date to fully come out but I think I will postpone. My next hurdle is disclosing to my wife what I am going to do in the near term. New Years eve and day I told her what I wanted but she expressed she did not want me to do it. I said I am not asking permission and I said I will put things on hold till I have the new therapist as this is a lot to handle. I think I will need to make a choice. I have three options. I want to live for me.


Carrie, I feel I will end up divorced. In 23 years I have known my wife she never kissed me goodnight. I always kissed her. The kiss has no response from her and I feel like she is tolerating the kiss. When we had sex 3 weeks ago (had been about 5 weeks before that) she said she has to concentrate to not touch my upper chest or breasts. She also said sometimes during sex the thoughts of my breast creep in and it is a turn off. The comments are pretty crushing. We love each other. I am at fault for the mess and honestly believe she just is not able to be with a Trans* although she is trying. I have a low sex drive and I do not have a sex drive for hetero sex. I do comply for her and use my imagination.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) We finalized the mantras:
Mantras
CJ 2-11-2014

I embrace my gender.
I embrace my truth.
I am a whole person.
I deserve respect.
I am transgender.
My mind and body are aligned.
I am loving, caring and female.
I have a lot of confidence in myself.

2) Record what I dream or think as as I awake in a journal.

3) Seek couples therapy now. I need to ask my wife if we can or if she wants to go. ( did that tonight and the answer is yes)

4) Define what I want to do.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) went over the mantras.



2) went over supplement spreadsheet. I will show this to the PA during my 6 month visit next week.



3) Went over the procedure spreadsheet and a few I have time lines and are in progress. Had Rachel Ann on the spread sheet as well as Cynthia Michelle. I told her My wife and I had a discussion Tuesday about procedure and there is a line in the sand beyond HTR and long hair that if crossed is divorce. I said My wife agreed to marriage counseling and my therapist gave me 2 names and number of councilors near my wife's work.

4) Went over Dreams diary. The night of the discussion with my wife I dreamt I was standing on the edge of the 90 foot bridge ( did that a bunch of times way in the past). It was very vivid like I was there again. One dream I was watching someone hang (not me) but that day I saw an accident victim on I95 being covered on my way to work.  Last night I dreamt I had FFS and was beautiful. I still have that image in my mind (emotional).  I had a few dreams work related.

5) I went into my sexuality and how I first thought I was gay and had a boyfriend for  4 years in high school. Then some guys in college I picked up for service sex. The my 7 year celibacy and life 180 degree opposite. Then I meet my wife and I thought I could be BI and had infrequent sex. We had a 3 years dry spell and then reunited monthly when my wife gave me the signal. I told her if I was to separate I would be celibate for the rest of my life( sad). The therapist asked if my wife had a male friend and I said yes and that about every 3 months they have lunch. She asked if they were having sex would I get upset. I told her I had thought about that and as long as my wife loved me I would be ok with that. She then asked if my wife needed male interaction over some schedule would I accept that and I said yes. I had already had those thoughts. How thin a slice I am willing to go I do not know.

[Rachel]

Went for my 6 month check up today.

1) Got my E upped provided I promised not to smoke. I am strait edge and the promise was not a problem. He knows but I guess he just wanted to make sure.

2) Got my blood tested.

3) Went over my supplement spreadsheet. Turns out he is a health nut too and we discussed vitamins. He suggested cottage cheese because I do not eat a lot of meet and creatine tastes very bitter .

4) Went over my time line chart. Schedule a PRP hair treatment and reviewed what that is.

5) Went over the new therapist, wife's line in the sand and the marriage counseling I will be setting up. He said I should do it today.

6) Went over melanin enhancer for laser ( I have a lot of gray). I sent him a link. He said I should schedule for laser. I said after the PRP.

7) Dusty makes me feel welcomed and a whole person. He definitely is amazing.

[cynthialee]

Thank you for an update. I was starting to wonder how you were getting along.

[Rachel]

Hi Cynthialee, hugs, how have you been? I have not seen you here much.

Went to the therapist today:

I have been working on building my ability to respond to my wife's comments  in a supportive way and not addressing the base comments, which is anger and fear of me being trans, in transition and wanting alignment.

My 1st choice marriage counselor called today and said she if full. I will try the next person tomorrow. The person needs to be recommended, near my wife's work, T very friendly but not presenting and female. I want a support for my wife and someone who can see me for myself.

I went to the therapist today and we went over my health care visit, some suggestions on framing and saying supportive responses to anger and fear and marriage counseling and what to expect.

I spoke to Liz that when I went to Mazzoni yesterday I worked up the courage to finally ask about a karyotype test. My voice cracked and I felt a lot of heat. Dusty asked why would it matter and I responded there are a dozen conditions that have higher probability due to the condition ( I named the conditions) and knowing is important.  If I have the condition I suspect it is type 1 and would have no bearing on who I am. Dusty said they do not do the test and insurance would not cover it. I will ask so people at work about the test and where to get it.