MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Today was one of those days.

1) I was doing a shift turnover and a person in the other room started talking in a high pitch and making fun. I came out into the room and he stopped and the staff laughed about 10 present.

2) Notice came to RSVP for a Work Pride meeting, I RSVP'd. The last (1st meeting I went to) meeting my heart raced the whole time and I was uncomfortable.

3) I volunteered to represent the LGBT group in the lobby one of our buildings with Linda Hawkins. I could not give up the chance to be with her for an hour. So after Wednesday I will be out as LGBT. I have not cut my hair for 13.5 months and I look different from a year ago. I e-mailed my boss to let him know and ask if he had objection.

4) I did what I thought I needed to do in a employee issue but embarrassed my Operations Manager. We discussed issues. I apologized but he was really hurt and kept up repeating the issue  and I ended up crying. I am so embarrassed.

Today really was not great and next week will get worse. I have has a head ach all day and feel like I am so exposed.

[cynthialee]

You are a great role model and you will weather this storm like you have the ones in the past:
With style and grace.

These constant headaches worry me hun. Every time you are in a stress or worry situation you get hit with headaches.
Have you brought this up with your primary care physician?

[Rachel]

Hugs Cynthialee,

I will mention the headaches next time I go in June. My operations manager thinks I am trying to push him out. I worked with him for 26 years and he is as close. I told him everything except directly the sexual abuse and harder chemical abuse. We are both alcoholics an support each other. He is hurt by what I did and I apologized many times to no avail. I got him some special African red tea in a hand painted container that supports women and children 100%. I hope he accepts it. He means more to me than he knows.

I had the control room incident, difficulty with my wife, my daughter that calls me gay and ->-bleeped-<- and one other incident last week. The dreaded elevator fear came true. My boss, corporate Lawyer and Research head get on the elevator. I have know the Lawyer and Research head for 20 plus years. My boss talked to me but the other two had dead pan faces. I smiled and said hi and looked them in the eyes. Still no response.

I responded to the Pride at work e-mail because if someone is going to treat me like I am crap or not there I decided to stand up and face the fear. I did not reply to the Pride e-mail earlier and Friday  was the last day to respond.

[Rachel]

Busy day!

I was in the lobby of a high rise building at work representing Pride at work, distributing pamphlets and taking e-mail address of those who want to join (150 membership). I saw a lot of people I work with, people in my department, Senior Administration and contractors. I am out as LGBT as of today. I spent 1 hour with Linda Hawkins who was there with me. She teaches the counselors at Mazzoni how to treat trans* kids, is a former director at the Attic in Philadelphia, teaches counselors at William Way and does wonderful work where we are employed. I came out to her and shared my chosen name and that I go to Mazzoni, Also, my past counselor is her associate and I asked her to pass along a hello. My gender therapist and I went over answering tomorrows question of why and "am I gay". A lot of coworkers looked at me and stared. They did not make eye contact and avoided me. The Chief Financial Officer, I know and communicate with ignored me, wow. I felt like I was invisible to the people I know. The shirt I wore was repeating pattern striped, white bordered by pink bordered by thin blue or the trans flag. I had on a blue navigation tie scene and  blue pants.


Meet with my gender therapist  went over the above and some additional items.

Rescheduled my PRP treatment,

Discussed hair (where to get it styled when it is time) and jeans type and how to address my wife when they come in the mail.

Went over what an open marriage would look like. She asked if I would seek out a new partner. I said I would  and I told her where I would look for love and the type of guy I find desirable. Also, I would look for companionship and love above sex. I shared that I view sex with guys different now than when I was younger.

[cynthialee]

 

Thank you once again for the continuing updates of your transition.

hugz and luv

[Rachel]

Cynthialee, Hugs and thank you.

This past week has been rough. 

I went to therapy today and we discussed:

Saturday and Sunday my wife was blaming me for her having nothing to look forward to for the rest of her life. She went on for two days about how I did this to her and wanted guarantees I will not become more feminine . I kept reiterating she needs to go to therapy. Finally, she said, if it was me I could not live with myself.

I sat across from her and said here are the options:

I could kill myself,
we could divorce,
we could separate,
we could live as friends,
we could live as lovers,
we could live in an open marriage, pick one. She said live as lovers. She said  if we divorce she will take everything including my daughter (she does not understand how much an identity is worth and the ability to be yourself). She agreed to see a therapist and the next day made an appointment.

I told her I want my ears pierced for my birth day, want levis 512 jeans and more panties and sports bras. She was very upset. I told her she has no right to forbid me from coming out from my sister, brother and child. She said go ahead. She told my daughter about wanting pierced ears and my daughter called me a ->-bleeped-<-ot for that and fitted jeans. She said to never be around her in public including or her eventual wedding if I get pierced ears. She wanted to go on more but I told her to stop.

I asked my daughter today if she had any questions she would like to ask me and she said no.

I walked out of the PRP doctors office today with no treatment, I was 2.5 hour waiting when he said to reschedule. 3rd time there was an issue so I will go to another place.

My therapist suggested I get Kate Bernstein's book about suicide because I use it as a coping mechanism when I feel bad.

[cynthialee]

nods
good reading recommendation from the therapist

I suggest you not only continue to pressure your wife to do therapy, your daughter is obviously sitting on some serious issues that need resolving. She needs a therapist also.

[DuckyAlexis]

Sounds like you have had a rough couple of weeks.  How have things gone since therapy earlier this week?  Any progress with wifey? Daughter still giving you grief? and How are you holding up through it all?

[Rachel]

Hugs Cynthialee, My wife is still scheduled for a session and it is on her way home from work so hopeully this will be what she needs. My daughter has gay friends at school but not close friends. I will get her some help for my daughter after my wife starts therapy and I come out ot my daughter.   

Hugs Ducky, thanks for asking:
Funny, we went to the Italian market and Reading Terminal Market today. We had fun! I did not wear a bra and wore a thin shirt on purpose My breasts are at the point where gravity is causing them to turn down a little. there were a few looks and I just kept positive thoughts. During lunch my wife was saying how sometimes she rests her boobs on a table or desk and my daughter said she did the same (my daughter and wife are well endoweled). Then she asked me if I did that with my boobs, I said no (felt nice). Then she said you will.

Driving in the car yesterday my daughter was saying what her name is in gangster. Then she said what my wife's name would be and she replied. Then I asked what would my name be and my wife said Cynthia. 1st time she said my name. 

I am reading Kate Bornsteins's book 101 reasons not to kill yourself. I identify that I am reactionary and for the longest time (not just the last 1.5 years) I wanted to freeze the world out and not do anything to help myself cope socially as myself and distance myself from people. I recognize the problem.

[cynthialee]

 

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and I reviewed:

There was a work pride meeting Monday. Sunday night I got 30 minutes sleep so I was tired at the meeting. There was a presentation on the new violence program from one of our ED docs. I was triggered. Next was a presentation on the new Transgender program. I got triggered to the point I had a migraine and wanted to throw up (I waited till I got to my car). The trigger was the protocol description for prepubescent and pubescent children.

My new therapist asked and I replied why the trans treatment program and violence program triggered me in detail. I told her. She asked if my wife and daughter knew and I said I could never tell them that or my past life. She said it is a lot to carry. In the past I did sonomic therapy and it helps with the casual thoughts but 1 hour of specific stimulus and I am defenseless. I had a bad night. Good note, I think I will become a department "safe contact person" for gender variant persons  when this gets offered.

We talked about breaking the cycle of repressing what I want and taking thoughtful actions acting out what I want. She discussed power in relationships. 

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) My wife's 1st therapy session is Friday and she is fighting me on going. She is resentful, hurt and angry I am Trans* and is in "panic" for what is next.

2) I reminded my boss I am off next week and he said you do not have to tell me why. I replied I am at the conference and he said oh, yes. I told my wife what he said and she said he probably thought you are getting a sex change. She then said that what everyone thinks when they find out. How do you counter something like that?

3) About done the book 101 reasons not to kill yourself. We went over a few of the things I do to cope when triggered hard (1 time in 14 months). The problem is I do not do the things I do to cope on a daily or weekly basis and there is a downward spiral to some point that breaks the spiral. I shared with her the perfect plan and that when I thought of it I realized I did not want to use it. I felt relieve I have a way out and that I chose not to use it. I never could do it and I really don't want to. I do not know why I think of it so much. I should put more effort in facing what I want. I told my therapist if my wife said go ahead and do what you want that I then would able to figure out what I need to  do.

4) She asked if I will get my ears pierced on my birthday. My wife had a fit when I told her and I do not want to fight. I feel weak for not standing firm. Then there is work and that would be a big issue to, I guess. Then we talked about hair and hair removal and group. I am stuck in a life by default.

[cynthialee]

Your wife is acting like there is something inherently shameful about being a woman. Wonder if she is working on her internalized misogyny?
Or that there is something shameful in transitioning.

Both mental constructs are lies.

There is nothing shameful about being a woman or needing to transition.
It just is.

[Rachel]

Hugs Cynthialee, she is tolerant sometimes and rejecting others. She just had her 2nd therapy session so I hope she can be welcoming in the future.

Had PRP done today Finally 4 try was a success!. PRP is a method to make your hair stem cells grow new stems. I will let you know how it works in a month.

Had a cell phone therapy session today. We discussed:

1) Finished the book 101 reasons to not kill yourself. Good book and I have some things I can use.

2) Went over three incidents that happened this week. 2 were on different nights when one of the people started discussing psych wards they run (for children) and what some of the kids are there for, then another person chimes in and then another. 1 incident was in a lobby when a person basically was putting down LGBT and I called him on it by asking what he meant several times (4 or 5). He stammered and could not look at me in the eyes. Ended the conversation and moved on.

3) Went over planning to go to group and new cloths buying for next week.

4) We need to revisit some stuff in the past as it is always on my mind. When I get triggered I have a bad night and think of it the next day or so. It is always there but when triggered it is front and center, for a while.

[Rachel]

My wife and I talked last night. She told me here therapist  uses a cognitive approach (replaced bad thought with alternate possibilities). She said her therapist has delt with a lot of trans* and my wife said she can not remain married if I fully transition and wear woman's clothing and that the therapist is trying to help her see divorce as a possibility. My wife does not want this. She said she could learn to accept if I wear woman's clothing in the house. No to ear piercing.

I had little sleep this week due to being away for work and when I am stressed I tend to have thoughts from my past. I told my wife about physical abuse, sexual abuse and incest when I was young. I had to get it out. I still feel guilty for what happened and I know it is not my fault. I told her some of the things my therapist and I work on; such as, looks, name calling and dealing with those who committed the acts.

I love my wife very much and she loves me. I told her she is my best friend and she said the same (emotional time together).

So this is good.

I could not sleep much last night and had thoughts of the past. I do not know why I keep going back there. There is nothing but pain there and I keep going there. I could just as easily look forward and buying some cloths and seeing how the PRP will work out.


PRP was a bit painful. My blood was withdrawn and separated. The plasma and platelets are removed and mixed with something. Then injected in a hundred or so spots then a needle gun is used to make hundreds of 1.5 mm punctures on the top of my head.  I hope I grow hair.

[cynthialee]

Still here and reading.

hugz and luv hun

[Rachel]

Thank you Cynthialee, hugs.

I went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) My wife and I were together this weekend.

2) My wife asked what happened to the hair on my arms. I said I did not do anything. I held my harm into the light and there was fine hair and she said, oh I can see the hair. The hair is very fine and hard to see .

3) I need to buy cloths and beach attire. This is my assignment for the week, shopping.

4) She asked for me to go into some detail about my early childhood issues, coming out, incest and abuse. I guess it boils down to not being able to get away, hiding, guilt and feeling dirty and that I did something wrong. Not being able to tell about the incest and being threatened and living with the person was an issue too.

5) My wife said her therapist said we should tell my daughter but she is not ready yet. Also, that if I just wore cloths at home she would be able to cope with that.

So I had a really great week but tonight I was clearing the dinner table and my wife and daughter were talking and then my wife said to me you are the only homo in the house. I did the dishes and went out for a drive. I was really hurt and I do not know if it was in connection with the incest I divulged or just a rude comment to get me upset. I am going out for a walk now. Really insensitive person unless it is about her.

[DuckyAlexis]

Thank you Cynthialee, hugs.

I went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) My wife and I were together this weekend.

2) My wife asked what happened to the hair on my arms. I said I did not do anything. I held my harm into the light and there was fine hair and she said, oh I can see the hair. The hair is very fine and hard to see .

3) I need to buy cloths and beach attire. This is my assignment for the week, shopping.

4) She asked for me to go into some detail about my early childhood issues, coming out, incest and abuse. I guess it boils down to not being able to get away, hiding, guilt and feeling dirty and that I did something wrong. Not being able to tell about the incest and being threatened and living with the person was an issue too.

5) My wife said her therapist said we should tell my daughter but she is not ready yet. Also, that if I just wore cloths at home she would be able to cope with that.

So I had a really great week but tonight I was clearing the dinner table and my wife and daughter were talking and then my wife said to me you are the only homo in the house. I did the dishes and went out for a drive. I was really hurt and I do not know if it was in connection with the incest I divulged or just a rude comment to get me upset. I am going out for a walk now. Really insensitive person unless it is about her.

Hey Cynthia,
been following your posts for a while and it seems that your daughter already knows, even if you haven't told her. Just all the comments you have shared that she has made make it sound like she already knows.  As far as your wife goes, sounds like she's being really passive agressive toward you. As far as you dressing, do you think you could really handle only dressing how you want at home yet continue hiding and denying who you really are the rest of the time? Also, I am sorry to hear you have been having such a hard time with your past so much lately. I hope things start looking up soon

[Rachel]

Thank you Alexis, hugs

My wife is passive aggressive to me and resents me for not telling her. I avoid and ignore but at some point she will need to get over it. We are slowly distancing and I am going slow.

I think my daughter knows but my wife is in denial. I really want to clear the air and level set her. The provoking comments are just that an invitation to tell her. I promised my wife I will not disclose to her until my wife is ready.

Dressing, I am going to order some cloths that I can wear at home. Work will be another issue for another day. I think the desire will grow to be aligned in time. I just need to start.

I think my past haunts me because I was a victim and though, coped, react, feel and hide like a victim. I sometimes look at the events from a distance as an adult looking on. I just can not believe what some people do to little kids. 2 of the 3 are dead. The other lives on the other side of the world. I know they can not hurt me but when certain things happen I am right there again and feel the terror and pain.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist Wednesday and 1st first group meeting.

Therapist
1) I feel like I am going in circles. It has just about been 1 year on hrt and I do not look any different. There have been wonderful effects but I hoped for some face changes and I see nothing. I feel let down. I have been doing a 1 year  HRT review and I a feeling lost. I waited and hid and now I feel like there is a lot stacked against me. My fault, lesson follow you dreams and passion and be yourself.

I have been thinking about the future and the next year. I have dealt with a lot of issues including being trans* and coming out to some. I am just tired of constantly gong up hill. This is not easy.

2)I did PRP 5/2/2014 and am giving it 30 days to see the effect. I am hopeful. Head hair is a really a big thing to me. Prior to PRP and just the effects of HRT I would say I had a 50% hair recovery from MPB. I have hairs on the remaining 50% and some are growing.

3) Some cloths on order, some came and I need to order more.

4) 1st day on the beach will be Sunday (surfing 1st time). My and my daughters wet suites arrived and I will be on the beach and in 52 degree water. The waves are to be 3-5 feet

5) Started melatonin (spelling ) to pretreat for grays for face laser. Thinking July for laser.

Group
1) About 15 T-girls and trans men were present at Mazzoni Center 21 S, 12th Street in Phila. On Thursdays at 6 PM 8th floor. There was a lot of sharing and some really are dealing with some heavy stuff. I feel so bad for them. There are some strong brothers and sisters there, some scared and all trying to cope.

Reflecting on the meeting, I feel so much power coming from the meeting.  I am with my own and we share and they are like me, very cool. I feel like I need to do more to be myself. I kept thinking this at the meeting.

1 year review
I love the mental effects of HRT. I have had a lot of physical changes too but not in my face . I am dealing with all the stuff I tucked away and hid all my life and that feels better however dealing with the issues is painful. I do not know where I will be next year but I know I will be on HRT, wearing gender exterior correct cloths some times and more andro clothing. My hair will be at my shoulders . I would have had laser and I will be thinking hard about the Adam's apple. I will remain clean, sober an smoke free! I will be 180 pounds!


I was really wiped out last night. The last two weeks has been very busy and I am coping with the destiny question. If I am on a bus what stop do I get off the bus? Do I take it to the station with each stop costing more but the destiny is better, perhaps?

Sorry for the miss spellings from the earlier post.