MTF in need of help

[cynthialee]

Wow. You have certainly come a long way in a year.

You mention melatonin in reference to your grey hairs...what is the connection?

[Rachel]

Hi Cynthialee,

It is Meladine natural melanin enhancer from Sunrise Medical supplies. It helps darken the hair root for electrolysis. I have blond, gray,  red and black in my beard. So after 4-6 weeks it is supposed to help color the root black to absorb the light to kill them.

IDN, I feel like there is so much to go. I just need to set this years goals, plan and implement.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist Wednesday and we discussed:

1) My first group session. I guess the main points are everyone there are coping or trying to come to terms with being trans*, family, work, relationships and fear. I think fear is a theme. The trans men (about 1/3 of the group) are great. They had so much confidence, were direct and spoke their minds. One guy told a girl she lacked confidence and was always waiting for what someone else was going to say about her. He said you are you and F them, take control.

Only 2 girls were expressing in cloths. So, I did not feel out of place in male work cloths. That was a big fear, being rejected. I think that kept me from going to group for 6 months.

2) Some cloths came in and I need to order more. My wife asked what was in the package and I said panties and she said why do I need more I said I am missing some. She said our daughter may have them, they are black and look like her VS panties but mine came from JC Penny.

I did not go to group this week. I was emotionally drained and did not want additional stress from group. Group was fantastic but I thought about it a lot for 3 days after and I just need to get away from myself for a while. I have been thinking about the 1 year HRT mark in 5 days. Ok, obsessing on my success, disappointments, achievements and failures. I have been under a lot of stress and my mind is wondering to thinking about an escape, alcohol and drugs. I know I can not go there but the escape route keep entering my mind. Reason, the second year on HRT will have more change and I am tiring of all the lifting. Perhaps reality is sinking in that I will never awake looking like a girl and I feel trapped. I have  a lot of regrets and jealousy or envy, perhaps both.

2 cool things.
Today I was getting some Chinese food at a truck and was behind a co-worker I knew for 26 years. We were chatting it up and she said she liked my longer hair . I am using a coconut oil and protein product and it helps tame the frizzy hair a lot. I have waves and curls and I really like it.   

I can see some nice hair growth from the PRP treatment. It has been 3 weeks. 

[cynthialee]

Tomorrow will be the 1 year HRT day.
My observation of your past year is simple: I am very much impressed with your approach and diligence. You are doing it right so to speak. Your therapy sessions dig deep and do not dwell on surface issues and red herrings.
I suspect that your next year will be a year of solid change and growth.

Keep up the good work hun.
hugz and luv

[Rachel]

Thank you Cynthialee, hugs

I went to the therapist today and we discussed:

Past
1) 1 year hrt birthday
2) looking back on all the progress and doing what seamed impossible with the help of my friends here, therapists and Mazzoni.
3) I am stable and triggered by just a few things (ok more than a few). I do not spiral for weeks until I am in chaos. I am able to get out of the spiral. Perhaps HRT or that and therapy and Susan's are the reason.
4) I no longer hate myself and some things I like about myself.

Present
1) How and where to buy cloths. She gave me some advise on cloths and where to buy them.
2) A jeweler who had hand made work and can do work who caters to the variant community.
3) Places where drag is expressed (not for me).
4) Volunteered for the Pride event at Penn's Landing in Philadelphia.
5) Got in some very colorful and pretty pattern panties. The cool thing is how I feel uplifted when I see them. Not sexual but uplifted .

Future (near term)
1) Progesterone request at my June 5th Doctors appointment.
2) Need to co-schedule a laser consultation for the same day and relative time.
3) Practice coping when seeing some triggering things at the Philly Trans Health Conference. (one of the presenters may be my niece, that would be a hoot, I planned to go to that session anyway)

[Rachel]

I am 52 and 1 years old today (HRT). I am into the start of my second year on HRT and went to my second group session Thursday.

Perspective

I have wished I awake a girl since I was 5. When I would awake I would be sad I was male. This morning ritual thought has been with me a long time. I have been doing a lot of thinking and realize all this time I am awaking a girl but look like a boy, called a boy and feel like a girl. I am on HRT and have some success in changing how others see me and it is progressing slowly. This is like I am in a dark room and the door to outdoors has been opened 2 inches letting in some light. It definitely feels good and I want the door to open more.

Last year I was 3 days on HRT, I thought I was going to get divorced and lose my job. Suicide was on my mind a lot. Now I am still married and employed and feel so much more stable it is amazing.

What Alison told me early on in therapy, you did what you could when you could and take one day at a time rings so true.

Truth is, I look forward to being 2 next year (HRT). I think I will have nice breasts then and a hair free face. Butterflies in my tummy just typing that

[cynthialee]

 

[Rachel]

Thank you Cynthialee, hugs

Just had my first dose of progesterone

I went to the doctor today and saw Dusty, my PA. He is so beautiful. Anyway, I asked for progesterone and he said sure. In the past he said lets see. My mind was a buz and I have butterflies in my stomach. Finally, for so long I have wanted E & P and now I have it. We went over therapy, group, home and work and how I am progressing. Also, went over the Pride parade and working a booth. I also explained why it is important and that I will be part of my work community. He is so cool. My next visit is in 6 months and he said I am progressing nicely. He commented that I have had a lot of hair regrowth   I guess you know he is exactly my type.

Wet to therapy yesterday and we reviewed:

1) The road blocks to walking the Pride parade and she help me get over my fears. Of what I do not know now but I guess fear of the unknown and being finally out in public. Where I will be walking will be prominent and that is the issue.

2) I will address my daughters ->-bleeped-<- and pussy comments to me the next time it comes up and I will explain to her the comments hurt.  I wish I could tell her why but I must bide my time on that until my wife is at a place I can tell my daughter who I am and share a very light version of me with her.

3) Talked about my wife getting me fitted jeans and shoe shopping. Who gets dysphoric buying shoes?   I thought I was going to throw up.

4) Prepped for my doctors visit and what to say if denied progesterone. (I am so glad he said yes).

5) Talked about group. I was amazed how alike we are and yet very different in group. All of us have had suicidal issues and all of us have issues with others  (family others especially) and how they see us and treat us. My therapist said we are grieving what we lost and sharing the grief. Anyhow, for such a diverse group to have so much in common is scary.  I guess there is some kind of energy there because it is very reassuring or just plain comforting there are people that have the same issues as me and I am not alone.


I am so much looking forward to the next year I am actually a little afraid and excited at the same time when I think of being more like me on the outside. I paid my fair and I do not know where the bus will stop but I am riding it.

[Rachel]

I went to the Pride parade and helped at the Pride booth for work at Penn's Landing (Philadelphia). The parade was wonderful and very empowering.

My wife told my daughter I was going to the gay parade. I corrected her and said it is the Pride parade. My daughter asked if I was gay and I did not answer. She the asked if I was bi-sexual and I did not answer. I said all you need to know is I love you and your Mother very much and I will be home later. She then said I lied to her and I said I am sorry I lied (lie of omission).

During the parade my wife told her I am transgender. I came home and my daughter said she will not talk to me. She would want a divorce from me if a child could divorce a parent. She said when she goes to college she will never see or hear from me again. I will not be invited to her eventual wedding and she will not tell her husband she has a father. She wants my wife and her to live somewhere else.

I feel  bad for her.

[MaryXYX]

So sorry to read that Cynthia.  Unfortunately that sort of rejection is very common, but if your daughter goes to college she will be less under the influence of your wife and might be able to come to a better understanding.

[Rachel]

Thank you Mary, hugs

I am patient and understanding with her. Today she asked me a few questions like, do you think about it all the time? I answered yes and she said that sucks.

Next was do I like the beach? I said yes and why do you ask? She said if you lied about your gender than what else did you lie about. I deserve that I guess.

Then she said if I was a girl trapped in a man's body that would be great, guys have it easy and do not have to deal with the whole girl thing.

Followed by I think I will have some trust issues for a while.

I had some dark thoughts but was able to get out of it every time after an hour to two. So, if she accepts me and hopefully welcomes me that would make me so happy.

Her birthday is in 4 weeks and she said all she wants is for me to cut my hair 1.5 inches. That would be a huge thing for me. My hair, not perfect, is my hair and I love it. I always wanted upper back length hair. So I think I need to think about this request. Any suggestions?

[Megumi]

Don't cut your hair, that is a typical emotional bribe request on your daughter's part. "if you do X, then I'll love and accept you" After you do X then Y is requested from you and so on and so fourth. They will keep asking you to do things or they won't love you or accept you and if you keep doing it then they'll eventually have you back into the closet being miserable as can be.

[LordKAT]

Meet in the middle sort of. Agree to a trim (helps with split ends and even growth) but more like .5 inches.

[helen2010]

Cynthia

Daughters can be quite manipulative.  When I came out to my daughter she seemed to take it in her stride.  After all she is a nurse and having PCOS she certainly knows the importance of hormones.  Well it was not to be.  Doesn't want to talk about it.  Doesn't want to deal with it.  Its as though we had never spoken.  Very strange and a little off putting, particularly as my wife is saying that our daughter has told her that she is very upset with me and can't deal with both TG patients and a TG parent!  Nice one!

Aisla

[MaryXYX]

Your daughter is talking to you.  "Cut your hair" is a lot better than "I'll never speak to you again".  I don't know if this would work for you but one possible answer would be: "I am going to grow my hair and I am going to transition, but I'll have it trimmed now and wait a little longer".  As LordKAT said, it's likely due for a trim anyway.

[Rachel]

Thank you Megumi, lordKat, Aisla and Mary, hugs

Things were really great tonight. My wife, daughter and I went to Friday's for dinner. We had a good time and my daughter is talking to me . I am so happy. During dinner my daughter said sometimes I cross my bra straps to give me more support and a different look; you may want to consider that if you get a bra. I wanted to hug her.

I was thinking about the hair and getting a slight trim. My last haircut (#2 blade) was February 2013. My tips are hitting my shoulder when wet and then curls when dry. I have 4 weeks to decide. I am hoping she will forget and then it will be my choice.

[Rachel]

I went to Therapy on Thursday and I was feeling great. I had attended Thursday's Philly Trans Health Conference (PTHC) and I thought things were wonderful. I went home and my wife asked how the ->-bleeped-<- convention went and my daughter called me a pussy ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- and kept saying, you are a man. I remained calm (on the outside) and did not explode as things continued to get worse. I went to bed but could not sleep. I had a head ach for most of the week and now it was raging.

Friday I went back to the PTHC and left at lunch. I went to Mark Anthony at 12th and Locust in the gayborhood and had 1.5 inches of hair cut. I cried all the way home. I also purchased a rope gold chain at Henri David Halloween Jewelry store ( it is on Pine and the coolest jewelry story I have ever seen). I needed something to feel better.

My wife was insistent Friday night I not have anything done even laser.

I ordered creatin and creatin shampoo. I will get the frizz out and I am going all out on the derma roller. I will have straight long hair.

The question in my mind is should I stay or should I go? I remember being alone for so long and although the last 23 years have had happy times I have had a lot of sad times and some really bad times. I think I will be alone if I am pushed out or leave. I do not know what is worse. Should I do as I want and push or should I be compliant? I hate my hair cut and I will be the last for 3 years. I was going to sneak laser but then I was thinking of informing her and just going from there which will mean hostility will ramp up. I am leaning to do what I need to do but I just do not know. I walk on eggshells. I stay out of the way. My life is pretty good but I feel I am not living fully and I constantly live in regret and long for it to end.

There was a seminar at the PTHC about verbal and physical violence against trans* and the abusers and why it occurs and the brain chemicals released in the abuser and target (abused). I explained this to my wife and daughter. I said my daughter was acting the same as my wife and is now threatening violence to me. My wife and daughter dismissed this and my wife said I do not hit you often.


The PTHC was fantastic. Funny story, at lunch all the Trans* pretty much go outside and many go to the Reading Terminal Market to eat. I think there are about 3000 Trans at the conference each day at around lunch time. To see so many trans own an area, free and with no fear is an amazing feeling. In the Reading Terminal Market it is very crowded and a lot of trans and it was very cool. I felt so comfortable and at ease.

One thing I love about being trans is that when we ask another trans a question in a session  or related to a display (not random) we get and give real answers without hesitation, no matter how taboo in cis culture. We are connected by a commonality.

[carrie359]

You are so inspiring to me still... I am heading to therapy in a few moments... your story about dreams is identical to mine.. ditto there.
You are truly an inspiration..
Carrie

I am 52 and 1 years old today (HRT). I am into the start of my second year on HRT and went to my second group session Thursday.

Perspective

I have wished I awake a girl since I was 5. When I would awake I would be sad I was male. This morning ritual thought has been with me a long time. I have been doing a lot of thinking and realize all this time I am awaking a girl but look like a boy, called a boy and feel like a girl. I am on HRT and have some success in changing how others see me and it is progressing slowly. This is like I am in a dark room and the door to outdoors has been opened 2 inches letting in some light. It definitely feels good and I want the door to open more.

Last year I was 3 days on HRT, I thought I was going to get divorced and lose my job. Suicide was on my mind a lot. Now I am still married and employed and feel so much more stable it is amazing.

What Alison told me early on in therapy, you did what you could when you could and take one day at a time rings so true.

Truth is, I look forward to being 2 next year (HRT). I think I will have nice breasts then and a hair free face. Butterflies in my tummy just typing that

[Rachel]

Carrie thank you for the kind words, hugs.

I went to the therapist today and we discussed:

My hair cut, and how the guy next door cut a little more than 1.5 inches off, and why I did it. Also, crying for my cut when I drove home. I explained how my wife and daughter were horrible to me, verbally intimidated, implied violence and bullied me. I said I capitulated, went to the computer area (hid), had a pounding head ach, felt sick and went numb. I said Thursday I was so happy. I had not been happy for a long time then this happened. Every time something goes well it ends horribly. I wondered how long it would take to go bust. My therapist said this is a classic sign of long term depression.

We talked about my defenses. the wall, the holes, the magnetic wall and the shadows.

We discussed a gestalt method to deal with my wife and daughter. She said each time the physical and mental condition occurs it is reliving my past and how I dealt with it. (I told her when I purchased my gold necklace I was holding the hand of  me as a little girl child and helping her get a necklace). We  went over how to change my reaction when bullying and violence occurs, how to be in charge of my behaviors and not shut down and hide.

I am really not happy with how I react to bullying and how I make myself feel. I guess I just exist for most of the time. I think I get taken advantage of and that happens because it is better than being alone. I am starting to rethink being alone, I mean, I feel alone now most of the time.

[cynthialee]

Just caught up with the posts.
Moving right along and still inspiring others.

I did not know your wife was physically abusive. You should not have to take that. Move on!
hugz and luv