MTF in need of help

[DuckyAlexis]

haven't seen an update in a while, just wanted to make sure you were doing ok

[Rachel]

Thanks Cynthialee, hugs. I am working on unacceptable references (names) and not tolerating physical violence.

Thanks DuckyAlexis, hugs. I was on vacation and just went to therapy today. We discussed:

1) I am now using keratan spray and shampoo to control my frizzy hair. It works well but today it was very hot and humid so my hair had volume and my therapist commented on it.
2) I discussed an education opportunity with 10 operating engineers today when the discussion at shift change went to lady boys in Thailand. 1 guy is from China and said they are so beautiful. Another said you can not tell the difference. I explained about all brains are female in the womb and that unless exposed and receive testosterone they remain that way. 2 guys said that's ->-bleeped-<- and walked away.
3) I explained about having too much time on my hands and I was very dysphoric and my dreams dark. The dreams- I would do something or experience something bad and a young small girl with red lips, black curly hair and soft voice would give me advise. Guess who the little girl was?
4) Dysphoria was around wanting procedures and laser and being blocked by my wife with a divorce threat if I do anything.
5) My therapist said to focus on no physical violence and no name calling. Then when I am ready schedule a laser appointment and inform my wife.
6) I said I said to my wife I needed a pass on Thursdays to go to group. She said when do you need to ask permission to go to group. Inform her and go.
7) Got a promotion at work. My boss said it was because I same a lot of money and I add to the departments diversity. What? I thanked him and smiled but on the inside I felt cheap. Same job, more money and a title because I am trans. I may decline the promotion. Am I nuts?



So I guess you can see why I see myself as a young, small and soft-spoken girl in my dreams. 

[EchelonHunt]

It has been inspiring to read of your progress (read 24 pages in one sitting!), I will be coming back to check for updates. I hope everything goes smoothly for you. *hugs*

[helen2010]

Got a promotion at work. My boss said it was because I same a lot of money and I add to the departments diversity. What? I thanked him and smiled but on the inside I felt cheap. Same job, more money and a title because I am trans. I may decline the promotion. Am I nuts?

Cynthia

I don't think that you are nuts.  It may be that in general that you don't feel that you deserve and have not been used to receiving well deserved praise or feedback.

I think that if you are awarded a promotion then you deserve it.  Business rarely does anything which is not justified by hard numbers and dollars.  Further, if you are also given a pay rise then you deserve it.  While I don't know whether your boss was trying to be funny or was giving a back handed insult but again, he would not be offering you more money if there wasn't an economic case.   

So based on my limited understanding I think you deserve the promotion and the pay increase.   You deserve it.  The extra funds and recognition appear to be a positive not a negative.  Congratulations.

Aisla

[Rachel]

Thank you EchelonHunt, hugs

Thank you Aisla, hugs. I was offended by my bosses comment (again). The opportunity is up to a 25% pay bonus at evaluation provided I meet and exceed 20 or so matrix and organizational we have to meet about a dozen matrix. The higher the outcomes above the benchmarks  the higher the percentage. Going below the benchmarks can mean demotion or most likely termination.

Did he tell the president of the company I am a transsexual? He said she did not know what I did to deserve the promotion. He said saving the company money, was responsible for the enterprise energy portfolio, operates, repairs and replaces the physical plants and adds diversity to the department.  Am I being set up for termination or being a poster employee for diversity. HR is sending me you tubes at work of girls coming out at  work. I want to come out 100% at work but I also just want to be a fly on the wall.

Also, I know I turn accomplishments and praise around to a negative and I absolutely do not trust people. So just perhaps this is merit based but I do not think so, not this way. If we tripled in size and I managed oversight for all three then yes but this feels wrong. Like I am walking in an alley with an alarm going off at night with a cop in a doorway.

[helen2010]

Cynthia

This is a tough one.  I think that unless you are confident that you can deliver above target and and therefore eep your job then you are at risk.  Normally, unless you are paranoid, I think it is best to trust your gut instinct.

Unfortunately this is quite complex as I have found that refusing a promotion rarely ends well as it can be interpreted or represented that you are not ambitious and are a blockage in the organisation.

In short I think you can make the case for accepting or rejecting the promotion.  Whatever you decide, own the decision and only look forward.  Don't look backward with regret.  If it was me I would be inclined to take this as a challenge and go for it, if I thought that the targets were achievable.

Of course you may be suffering from a fairly typical F mindset, in that you don't think that you are ready for, or deserve a promotion.  Guys just go for it, and believe they can  do it and deserve the promotion.  Women often undersell themselves.

Not sure if this helps.

Aisla

[FrancisAnn]

Big corporations can play some funny games to protect themselves from any lawsuits??? If you think this promotion is sincere go for it. If you think the performance they expect is unattainable I would just pass. Something smells funny to me.   Good luck GF. I was fired from 2 high ranked banking related jobs during my career, fyi.

[Rachel]

Thank you Aisla and FrancisAnn, hugs

I think I definitely have a F mindset; I never associated that with myself but is very true. That explains lot!

I am more exposed and it is easier for them to fire me if my transition at work goes bad. On the other hand it gives me more opportunity. I have to address the organizations leadership twice this year to share our accomplishments.

Another thing my boss mentioned but I forgot. He said a lot of senior leadership have mentioned I look happy and I am more confident.

I guess time will tell; I guess I really have no choice. I will need to get a thank you card this weekend for my boss.

Thank you for helping me and putting things in perspective. I will update my CV too, just incase.

[helen2010]

Cynthia

Good luck.  Hope it goes well.  Sometimes you just have to go for it and suspend your disbelief.   You won't die wondering, what if?!

Aisla

[cynthialee]

I would take the promotion and apply myself to excelling at work.
They have noticed the changes in you and that they are good.

Yes it sucks being a token. We are working on society to change these attitudes but it is taking time and many of us will be tokenized for many years to come.
Girls like us do not always have opportunities to advance and maintain employment. Take this bitter sweet victory and be magnanimous in your acceptance.

[Rachel]

Aisla, hugs and thank you.

Cynthialee, hugs, thank you. I know I am very lucky. I thought I was going to get fired May 15, 2013 when I came out to my boss. So, I will get him a thank you card and try my best to meet the expectations.

I share books with my boss ( give him books I finish and hope he reads). I think 7 books in the last year so we have something in common to talk about during those awkward moments before or after a meeting. I had shared everything with him about me when I came out and our relationship changed that day. Something I took for granted, respect from others. I had no respect for myself then. Now I am gaining self respect while others lose their respect for me. Odd how being yourself causes some people to change and show their true feeling.

[cynthialee]

Over the years I have seen a number of transitions from beginning to end and in almost every single case the person transitioning went from useless and in despair to a vibrant and productive person.
It is obvious from your posts that your transition has not been any different. So for anyone to be sitting on the sidelines and hating on you is not even reasonable on their part.
You have obviously become more engaged with your world and peers. Your productivity must have increased or you would not have been promoted.
It is as obvious as day that you are doing much better than you were, so they can suck eggs.

[Rachel]

Thank you for the kind words Cynthialee, hugs.

I went to the therapist today and went over:
1) oops, I put on the wrong panties, my wife's. They look so similar
2) Have a silver chain I am wearing and love it. My wife is cool with it and my daughter makes comments. I am respectful and say not to call me that or something to that effect. She had reduced the comments.
3) I have been shaving my lower legs and wearing shorts and no one said anything, odd.
4) My therapist suggested laser for my leg hair. I said I am ok shaving because the hair is super small and blond and very slow growing.
5) I want face laser and we discussed it a bit.
6) I have group tomorrow and we discussed why it is tough for me. I identify with each person there with either cloths, laser, family or suicide thoughts.
7) I went over the last trigger event that was about 9 hours and how I pulled myself out of it. I told her I had thought of the perfect suicide method and poof the trigger ended. I then told her the method. (I am not suicidal).
8- I went over some jewelry ideas and we discussed how I could go to jewelers row on 9th street to get a new chain and such.
9) I went over two employee enrichment groups I participate in and helping a group of young staff members achieve credentials and a book drive for shelters. Not trans stuff but I explained how it is helping me (social interaction to help my social anxieties).
10) My wife stopped therapy. We reviewed what she gained (she said nothing) and it was considerable.
11) She asked how the progesterone was doing and then time ran out.


Group is really tough for me because I think about what was said and who said them. There is a lot of pain in the room. Somehow sharing with someone who knows what you are say and has been there helps but at the same time hurts. I do not know why. I guess I dwell on things.

[Rachel]

My post from last weeks group meeting was lost with the server restore.

Last weeks Group highlight

I discussed my wife outing me to our daughter while marching in the Pride parade and texting me such while walking in the parade. Talked about some verbal and physical things that happened when I came home and the following week.

Therapy Wednesday
Discussed an issue of physical intimidation from my daughter. I did express what she did was a choice and not right. During the issue I just go numb and I do not think. The therapist said my daughter has been raised by me in complete safety without negative consequences for her actions. The therapist suggested I make a spreadsheet (cause I like spreadsheets) with actions positive and negative with consequences.

Group Thursday
There were three new young trans in the group. One was a cutter. He spoke so well it was amazing. I did not vertically cut I use to puncture (mostly) and have hundreds of scars on my arms. I wear long sleeve at work because of this. I seldom do it now but sometimes I still do when I abscess on negative feelings.

I shared about hiding and that I want to come out fully at work and I am threatened with divorce if I do. I shared where I work and what I do and the fear others will stop working and I will lose everything. Policies are paper and people are real. Also, shared I want to start laser but have the divorce threat.

I went to bed at 7 last night and slept 4 hours. I stayed in bed 11 hours trying to sleep. I was emotionally triggered at work by an employees words and actions. I kept going throughout the day but by the time I got home I was obsessing to the point of a severe headache to the point of nausea. Better today but the head still hurts. Dealing with some operating engineers is at times emotionally sickening. I really hate some parts of my job.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist Wednesday and we discussed:

I had a monthly meeting with my boss Tuesday ( 2 this month). I told him I did not think I deserved a promotion and that I felt uncomfortable. He said I meet the report and money management criteria and that I deserved it. I thanked him and moved to other issues. He wants me to write a paper with him on one of my projects I am doing. He is a professor at an Engineering and Architecture College at a University. This is the second paper he wants me to write.

I had a really bad week at work. I am avoiding the person that exploded at me and he works in the office next to me and we use to eat lunch together. I love him like a brother but now I realize I promoted him and have him close to me and I shared everything with him and he verbally abuses me every 1-2 months or so. This is another thing I did to recreate and perpetuate my traumas. This hit me and I do not know what to do. I thought about leaving but I really believe in our mission. I love a lot about where I work.

This week I realized a year and a half ago I thought I had to become me but in reality I wanted the pain to stop. The more I address my fears, my self hatred and issues that embodied me and are me the more I have a feeling I just want it all to stop. The more I remember and feel and want the more I want to be numb. This is a double edge blade.

This has been a tough week and I have slept very little and my head hurts almost non-stop. I have a difficult time looking at my co-worker. I want to move my office but I like that it is in the basement and somewhat hidden. I just want to hide. I am eating in my office now and I just want to work and bury myself in work.

I now see that I made the triggers that haunt me and I need to change this. I hate going through life stepping on life land mines, not able to move or escape. I cry in my office, my car, my bed and in my head.

I was close to drinking and talked to a AA sponsor at work. He is great and so positive and has some great knowledge about human nature. Still sober

 

[helen2010]

Cynthia

Really pleased that your boss restated the merit in your promotion.  It sounds like you are hard on yourself and find it hard to accept praise.   You have done well, very well, congratulations are due.  Congratulate yourself, recognise and celebrate your success.  You deserve it.

Your situation with your colleague appears to be getting to you.   If you raise it with your therapist or your boss they should be able to give you a strategy for addressing or coping with this.   Over time it would be great to develop the skills whereby you can raise and address this with your colleague yourself.   I think that it is far better to address and ideally resolve an issue rather than let it fester, become larger and more negative.  In any case an unpleasant colleague should never determine your future and cause you to do something that is not in your interest.

Sounds like a mixed week and not a really bad week.   Language is powerful.  Using the most positive language is empowering and beneficial.  Try to do this.   If you can put a positive spin on something try to do this.   It made a huge difference to the way I view and experience things

Safe travels

Aisla

[MaryXYX]

Cynthia

You are recognising what you are doing that adds to the problems.  This is an important step and you can modify your behaviour.

I like the way your boss encouraged you.  I know how hard it is to accept praise - I'm working on that and you can too!

Wanting to drink but talking to your sponsor instead was a very good decision.  You do have strength of character, use all the support you have to keep going.  None of us can get through life alone.

Mary

[carrie359]

Cynthia,
You continue to inspire me by the way you work through issues and move forward.  You are truly an amazing human. Life is so wonderful and in some way we are gifted by being trans.  Its an amazing journey that not many people travel.
You are unique and wonderful..
Love U
Carrie

[Rachel]

Aisla, Mary and Carrie, thank you and hugs. Your responses mean so much to me.

He was out today, scheduled, and I felt much better. My headaches are gone and have a good outlook. I even agreed to speak at city energy forum in September . I will try to sleep tonight and take some Ambien. I do not take it during the week because I only get a maximum of 5.75 hours in bed per night.

Aisla, I really do have a difficult time with positives about myself. I recognize what is happening with my wife, daughter and co-worker and how they trigger me and why it happens. I think I need to some how put a positive spin on negatives (whether it is meant as negative or I see it as a negative). Trauma triggers I do not know. When it happens it spirals quickly (in seconds) and runs it coarse. I did specific work on certain trauma issues but the response it still there. The colleague will be given an irresistible opportunity within one year. He does not know it yet but he will be working his dream job with his dream supervisor. He will be happy.

Mary, the sponsor is a really great person. He does things for people that are wonderful and he is very humble. He knows what to say. He has a lot of knowledge on where people are and the ability to listen. The half hour he spent with me was a turning point in recognizing the problem was how I responded to the verbal violence internally.

Carrie, thank you for the kind words. I do not know if being trans is a gift. I always though of it as sort of a curse and I am just learning to love myself. I think getting rid of the self hate is a gift. I was a target when I was young and I am still dealing with the aftermath. I think trans in general are targets and if we are out then we are greater targets. Then I think about Cindy and how she would respond. She is really gifted and strong.

I ate so much food this week it is not funny (well, really 10 1/2 size pretzels, a chocolate bar, rice and ice cream). So I am back to better eating When something like this happens I do not eat then I binge on stuff I should not eat. Oh well, back to eating healthy.

[MaryXYX]

Getting rid of the self hate is critical.  I was in the wrong body and I didn't understand what the problem was.  When I understood I started the journey to be outwardly the person I am inside.  Now I'm a confident woman and I take a really active part in my church and volunteering for charities.  You can do it too.  There may be much in your past that is unfortunate but it is the past.  I know it's difficult to believe but you can be a confident and lovely woman.  It's a big undertaking and lots of hard work but it is so worth it.