MTF in need of help

[cynthialee]

Back off and give her time to think.
Giving her the books you bought is a good idea.

I am so sorry hun.

[Rachel]

Thank you, hugs.

[cynthialee]

you bet

[Rachel]

I am still in the woods. Saturday I shared with my wife I pictured myself as a women while having sex with her and that was the 1st time all of me was present during sex. Saturday night was awful, Sunday was unbearable. I had no sleep last night and today was very stressful and there were many texts. I thought it was over. No sex and I want to die if I did not have our daughter was said from her. I was calm and understanding and very numb. I saw the therapist today and she said my wife has had 7 days to digest transgender and does not know anything about it. Then you share that you had sex with her while being a woman. Think of it from your wife's perspective ( I know now) she is 100% heterosexual ( I never asked and she was always a gay rights advocate and her two room mates were gay). I never asked nor did I care and I thought she was a bit lesbian/gay leaning. 

I was a LGBTQ under cover ( I fit all the letters some more than others) and in hiding. I never expected such an emotional, hate filled repulsive response from my wife. I thought I was sharing  something very personal and beautiful. I was truly hurt when it was called "deviate sex". I was super calm and understanding. I fully get the binary guttural response now. When someone you love and they love you are so completely repulsed by something so innocent and beautiful then I know, I feel and I understand, Crystal clear.

I came home, sat with my wife tonight and she asked how did the therapy go. I told her what the therapist said. I felt warmth return and I am feeling such relief. I need to listen to the therapist and slow the XXXX down. I know I am transitioning late but there is no way to rush it. In the end I may end up alone or I may be married as friends or I may be happy and in a loving relationship. I need to follow the directions from the therapist.


A word about the Therapist. Her SO is a FTM Transg. She really gets it and I am so lucky to have her on the team ( closest sports analogy I can come to, I do not like sports). She really knows her stuff and tells you the real truth. Also, she has 3 engineers, 2 Architects and and IT manager as clients right now. She also said binaries do not question gender and that most all treansg are left handed. ( my left hand writing is fast and difficult to read, my right is beautiful but really slow. I switch left to right when eating and cutting food. I operate 4 networks and use both hands for mice use. )

[cynthialee]

Moving right along.

You will be fine in the long run. But...It will not come without pain and sacrifice.

[Elspeth]

Now she said there will be no more sex with her and I can go have sex with Gay man or Lesbian women in Gay clubs. She is really pissed and hurt. She refers to me as having a female fantasy and asks why she is not good enough for me. Further she said I destroyed her image of herself.

You may want to discuss this with your therapist, but in my view, one member of a relationship cannot actually destroy another person's self-image. She is speaking from pain, and probably from shock grounded in having constructed a view of herself that was based on some false premises. Chances are, though, that at least some of this is stuff she may have sensed before.  I'd try not to take it too literally.

Of course, my marriage ended 10 years ago, even though in many ways I'd felt that I was much more open about my female identification with her from the beginning. Our perspectives differ on this.  Some of her motive for the divorce was to give herself the opportunity to find the "real man" she had convinced herself she was looking for.  That has yet to happen, and lately the comments I hear from her are more about how her social connections are exclusively with women (apart from her fairly prestigious professional accomplishments and relationships with fellow doctors and medical professionals).  In fact, at one party with some of her high school friends present, she said, with me standing across the kitchen counter from her, that she wished she were a lesbian.

What I'm trying to get at, without putting words in her mouth or giving you material to project upon, is just to not take every word from her, especially right now when this is all suddenly new-seeming to her, at face value.  I would agree with your therapist that you may be rushing things in terms of giving her more information than she can safely handle all at once.  It would probably be wise to give her time to process in some further, deeper, and hopefully less confrontational conversations that don't involve new revelations, but just try to deal with what she's feeling, and that give her space and opportunity to revise some of what may have come directly from pain, socialization and all the other things that may have affected how she came to define you.

If I didn't suggest it before, I'd also strongly suggest looking into imago relationship therapy. I definitely wish we had found it far earlier, and I did some things remarkably similar to you in bringing things up that had been grating at me for several years. I do think, even in handling our relationship since the divorce, that the imago approach has helped to keep the channels of communication a little more open, whatever the future might bring.

[Rachel]

thanks, hugs.

I have not said anything to explaine TG to my wife with the exception of something last night. She has been happy and cool. I sit with her and we discuss things. Since the weekend nothing TG.

Last night we were sitting and she clicked on a link on facebook from someones account. There was a person I expect is a cross dresser dancing in a shear one piece bathing suit. She said in a half laughing comment do you want a bathing suit like that? Is he TG too? I said nothing for a while. Then I said he is not TG, did not tuck and got up and walked away. I kept my cool and later regretted not saying I would like to get a one piece bathing suit too. However, I know that would be in retailiation.

[cynthialee]

Understandable how that might have been triggering.

Next time the opportunity presents itself (organicaly) explain to her the differance between fetishistic cross dressing, which isn't you and a transsexual, which you are. She will likely understand you and accept you alot more once she realises that there is a clinical differance and it isn't about wanking in panties for you.

[Rachel]

Thank you, hugs.

I just got back from the therapist. She was on vacation for 2 weeks. I dumped what I was up to in the past 2 weeks:
- finished "she is not there" by Jennifer Boylin, the similarities were all to similar until you get the HRT and the rest of the story,

- statred "My Gender Workbook" by Kate Barnstein. Fantastic book that explaines so much,

- went over the 4/19 HRT date and she said I had to tell my wife. I may need to delay starting till I / we figure out how to bridge the subject.

- Told the therapist HRT it is like my left hand cutting off my right hand and that I did not want to do HRT, transition or have SRS.
Further, I said when I get the script I do not think I will leave the pharmacy counter till I think the pills. So confilcted!

- Asked her how many people she treated that discontinued HRT. She said she treated many hundreds and only 1, who she said was probably confused about being TG and did not exhibit the classic patterns. I am on a collision coarse. I asked her what am I and she asked for clairification. I spouted the statistice and she said what I already knew but did not want to hear. I am Cynthia.

- She said I looked sad. I told her I was lonely. I do not discuss my TG issues with my wife and she does not ask. I am allowing the shock to pass. April is when I will broach the subject again. I am truely feeling like when I was 23 years ago, there is no such thing as love. I did no like the path I was going, I was using and being used by people for gratification. I was cellibate for 6 years till I meet my my future wife in a bar. I felt love at first sight. She was a nice person and I wanted to be normal so bad. My parents were so happy and I tried to be something I was not. Now, I feel lonely. My wife had said 2 weeks ago that sex was over. We are friendly but not intimate. The therapist said it is getting close for me to start meeting other TG people, I assumed at a group session. She is right, another obstical to overcome soon.

- My head hurt so bad and I had butterflies and shivering in my torso during the 2nd half of the session.

- Honestly, you girls are so brave and are a steel forged in hell. I am just so damn scared about the future. I know, calm down and one thing at a time.

- Facing your fears is a difficult thing to do. The path forward is not easy. Stopping is not what I want. Resolution to the dual feelings and feelings is a must. I want Cynthia to have a chance of living and being and feeling.

Thanks for reading!

[cynthialee]

Transition is hard and it can seem scary.

But!!!

I can promise you that a womans life is the only life a woman should lead. The rewards of being true to yourself are indescribable.

Cynthia,
I was misserabale and hateful and angry at the world. I was in a constant state of anger and border line depression. I lived with a life time of insomnia.
All that cleared up within weeks of starting my transition. Have there been times that were hard and I doubted myself? YES! But those moments were fleeting and informed by fear of the unknown.
My life for the last 3 years and change have been more genuine, and fun than my entire prior life.
I have friends now. Real friends. Close personal relationships that are informed by genuine care for the other person rather than begruding tolerance. I have the ability to sleep, insomnia is a long gone memory. Before transition my libido held me in an iron grasp. HRT has released me from that trap and I can enjoy the pleasures of the flesh without being consumed and driven by carnal desires. I am no longer sad angry and alone.
Every single facet of my life is better since I have transitioned.

Let me just go there and lay it on the table:
   You are at rock bottom. You are in the deep pool of depression and life has become so bland that the only life line has become a therapist and a group of anonymous transsexuals on a support site. You are in a dangerous place that has claimed more lives than you can imagine. Your therapist is throwing you a life line with that HRT letter. I am that voice on the bridge of the ship yelling at you for the love of god turn around and look, there is a life ring right behind you. Please at least give it a chance. At this point...
What do you have to loose? You are already one foot in a grave.

I can not promise you that a transition will be easy or that you will walk away from it unscathed or even that it will be the thing you really need, but I do know that until you find out for yourself you are going to keep wondering "what if".
And what if transition is not the right thing for you? You spend some time in RLT learning something about what it is like to be a woman in contemporary society and you will get insight into yourself and your culture. Heck you could even write a book about it in the future and probably sell a ton of books.

The permanant stuff from HRT takes about 6-9 months to take effect. Typically we know if HRT is right for us or not by 3 months. So there is plenty of time to test the watters so to speak.

Hugz and luv,
Cynthia Lee

[Rachel]

Hugs and thank you for your support and understanding.

I will try HRT (95% certain) and I will know within 6 months if it is right for me. The image I had in my mind when discussing HRT with the therapist was my hand trapped under a bolder and the only way free was HRT but it was like cutting off my hand ( the loss) but the gain is the thought of freedom and living.

I am lonely for compassionate understanding people to share me with, I agree. I will attend group mid April and see what that offers. Do not underetimate the value of the people on Susan's Place. I was overwhelmed in December and January and they anchored me till therapy started. I was in a poor state of mind then but now am learning about TransG* and myself and am adjusting with myself and excited about the opportunities in front of me.

I am contemplating coming out to another person I know. I think it would be very positive and another ally. I am cautious to only have positive allies at this point. 

[cynthialee]

This is indeed a great place. There are members who saved my life a few years back. One was speaking to anouther girl in a thread I wasn't involved with. But her words to the other girl were just what I needed to read at that moment to keep me alive.

HRT and female life are not that bad. Personaly I find it to be very rewarding and I would cut your arm off if you tried to take my hormones away! (ok maybe that was a bit if a rhetorical statement...)

[Rachel]

I made love with wife last night. It has been 2 weeks since I shared with her I had thought of myself as a woman the last time we had sex and she was very hurt and grossed out. She said we would never have sex again and she would not participate in deviate sex. Further she said se did not want to have sex with a woman.

I gave it time and understanding and we made love last night.

Question, what is a woman? Can you define a woman with 10 attributes? Do these attributes change from country to country? What are the common attributes that define "woman"?

My try, a woman is:
1) enriched emotions
2) callaborative
3) friendly
4) happy
5) defenceless
6) nurturing
7) beautiful
vain, loss of beauty with age
9) perfectionest about certain issues
10) free spirit


What is man?
My try:

1) no emotions
2) win
3) anger
4) take it all
5) no care
6) do not feel pain
7) focus on getting the "ball"
unhappy  in your position in the pecking order
9) get your way
10) strong

I  like the woman attributes much more than the man attributes. Do binalry men like the men attributes? 

[cynthialee]

I am pretty sure a binary male would have a very differant set of qualities for his gender.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today. Reviewed the recent events with my wife, relations and comments about not wanting to have sex with a woman.

Confirmed the homone plan for next month, hot straight and normal ( pun intended).

The night before therapy I usually either do not sleep or sleep very little. I thought last night about discussing being trans with my boss and HR and in front to the organizations leadership. Both cases I did an all encompasing, "what it means to be trans to me". I started with picture a little boy at age 7 ( when I planned to mutilate myself) and saying to the boy, I will be true to you, then to go on explaing being trans to me. The therapist is sharp! She asked what does being true to you mean and who are you saying that to?   I could not go into details. The tears flowed. I tried to discuss it but I could not. I teared the whole way home in the car, 2 hour ride with lots of emotion.

I left myself at age 11 ( puberty) and caved in. I coped the best I could and hid myself and socialized as a male. I denied me and I have ever since said I would be true to myself. I lied to myself and it hurts. I was not true to myself and I left myself alone for 39 years to only have a glimpse of myself from time to time and in masterbation. I did not mature and grow and now I see what I have done. I walk in one world without participation and I am an child in another. I have ignored and denied myself and acted as another. The person I have hurt most is myself. Therapy, can't live with it and can't live without it. This hurts!

[cynthialee]

That was pretty powerful and deep. You brought tears to my eyes on that one.

Yes it hurts like hell sometimes. It is not easy work to delve this deep into the psyche. You are doing the work and facing those inner demons. You will come out the other side stronger and healthier for it.



now I have to go wash my face, my mascara is running

[Rachel]

Thank you for caring, hugs.

I think this is the focal point of the beginning to understanding myself "I have ignored and denied myself and acted as another" and "what do you want" and "what will you do" . Sounds oh so simple. To what degree will I be true to myself.

It always feels better a day or two after therapy. There is a lot of food for thought.

[cynthialee]

I can understand that big time. Now that I am no longer playing the part of a man my stress levels have seriously gone down. I no longer deny myself and act as anouther.
I wish I had transitioned in my teens. But it is what it is. I refuse to lament the lost years for long. I have things to do and life to live. If I spend my time wallowing in my missery over lost time, I am just loosing more time.

After you have had your time to mourn what could have been and start your new life, you get to live a real life that is not an act. Even when it sucks, it is the real self and not a false identity that is living the life. Pretty spiffy if you ask me.

[Rachel]

I was on vacation last week and just got back. I came into a town yesterday that had cell reception and learned my boss scheduled something I need to do, guess when? The time I am scheduled for my HRT visit ( was on my scheduling calendar in code). I will need to reschedule the hrt visit. Disapponting but very important. I felt angry and like I lost something. Important emotions from an e-mail. I can not change the scheduled event but I can reschedule the HRT visit. I came away learning I feel very strongly to start HRT, eveny though it has its challenges.

Jumped down a 30 foot hole into a cave with bats into a 70 foot deep pool of cave water. Floated in the cave for 100 feet to the exit ladder. Then I jumped from a sharp ledge into a large pool 30 feet in the air ( large hole) in the cave. My heart rate did not even budge up. I did something I never would have done 4 months ago. I did this thinking I an trans and I can do this.

[cynthialee]

first paragraph pretty much says it all

second paragraph sounds about right, now that you are embracing your true self, it is easier and funner to face the rest of life