MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

A little concerned here. I was to meet with HR at 2:00 today. At 1:53 got an e-mail she could not meet, schedule got switched around and she would call at 2:00. She called at 2:00 and she said do you want to discuss this over the phone. I stammered and said no can we reshcedule. I reshceduled for Tuesday.

I was so upset. This was big for me and I just keep being pushed back no matter how hard I try. I feel like absolute >-bleeped-< and my hyper-sensativity is on over drive. Why would my boss ask if there was anything I wanted to tell him 3 times this week after our monthly meeting? Why did HR cancel a meeting 7 minutes before it is to start and then ask if I wanted to go over the phone ( she has a heads up a trans is going to go to her). OK, I just feel like they are planning something prior to disclosure.

Do they understand what it is like to schedule a meeting 2 weeks in advance and then cancel with 7 minutes to go! 1 month 2 days till my rescheduled HRT appointment ( 4 months is just insane), the mail order is over due and I feel at nerves ends. Headach like no other, and I am in a very bad mood. I am lucky anger is flowing in my vains and not dispaire.

Why do I place so much energy in what others know and think about me. I do not want to hide or go numb again. I will be true to myself - this time! It is just taking so much time and energy, it is exhausting.

Rant off,

[cynthialee]

I am not a Christian but the sentiment works regardless of faith I think:

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.

[Rachel]

I had the meeting with HR this afternoon and it went extreamly well. She is going to get me specific information about therapy reimbursement and more information work has but is not public about. They are supportive and there is another person transitioning in another department. She wanted to get more info for me. I went into some personal information but not too deep. I did not want to overload her and have a negative reaction. She said it makes total sence several times and it explains a lot.  I told her I have no filters on race or sex, had a relationship with a guy in high school and was called gay and fag often in public, parents thought I was gay, was hit on by guys in college, put myself in a box at 22 and why, had no interaction from 22 to 28 and more. I hope it was not too much. When she was leaving I could see she was holding back tears and her eyes were red.

I give eye contact a 50%, could not coninue talking on a line of thought only one time. I tried 4 times to continue buy finally just said I can's say the words. I was dry mouth, had a pounding head ach and had to keep my hands from being way overly used when talking ( done when really nervious). Overall I guess a grade of 70.

At home now and the disphoria is a 7 out of 10 and my head is pounding, my stomach periodically shivers and I think it is a good thing. I am freezing, bundled up but it is 72 degrees However, I feel really good and a bit excited about transitioning at work. Now my head will be wondering about the real possibility of transitioning at work.

We also joked about how it was HR's fault because they have a lot of diversity classes and my boss is part of a diversity program ( sponsor). We also joked about how now they have instant diversity in the department.

I just hope I did not start the firing clock.

[cynthialee]

 

YAY!!!


You can be a woman at work!!!! YAY!!!
Don't look at the negatives. Look at the positives. Yes, someone might give HR a reason to terminate them because they are a bigot. But that is not on you. You have a right to work and to be left alone to your own life.
Your work has diversity programs in place and they have anouther TS on staff in transition. This could not have gone better for you hun! Do your job. Do not get pulled into any conflict. Document any and all issues that arise. keep a log.
You do your job and mind your p's and q's and things will go swimingly.

[Cleopatra]

Hi Cynthia,
I am a gay man with a wonderful boyfriend who has just started on his transition to female. It is a long road to walk but I believe if that's what you want then that's what you should have. Easy said yes but we are taking it a step at a time although after 4 months my baby is now on HRT. Some close friends and some of my family know and all were great about it.
It took me many years to come out to my wife as a gay man and we still lived in the same house for years after.
I hope you have the strength to talk to your wife and daughter and I really hope it goes well for you. As previously said you are not alone here and I hope you get the help support and encouragement you truly deserve. Good luck x

[cynthialee]

Cleopatra:
Are you ok with having a wife again? IMHO (which is worth about what you paid for it) there is a good chance you are bisexual/pansexual and not gay. You married a woman and it turns out the man you love is actualy a woman. So inspite of your prefered sexuality you seem drawn to females. Anyways, the reason I bring that up is pretty simple. If you are truely gay then there will be some serious things you two will have to negotiate. Sex. Relationship status. Public face put forward.
If you are bisexual then there is a better chance of the relationship suriviving. Only asexuals function well in a sexless relationship.

[Rachel]

Thanks for the replies, hugs.

Spoke with the therapist today and we went over the next step with my wife. 1) invite her to attend the Philadelphia Trans Health Conferance with me, 2) explaine to her my disphoria and the pain I am in and that it is getting worse, 3) talk to her about what will help ease the pain.

Spoke to Therapist about how:
I am wishie washie and do not take a stand about self,
Coming out to Boss,
What venues to see at the PTHC,
Got confused and almost walked into the womans room and got confused ( had pictogram and not words) and kept looking at both pictograms,
wanting to go to the gayborhood this weekend with wife and daughter and see the craft show,
Philadelphia passing an ordanance to mandate HRT and SRS on all health plans and gender neutral third bathroom in new buildings and retrofitting municipal bathrooms,
How wife and I had sex last,
How wife took trans book to read and that i need to follow-up,
Invoice so I can subit for reimbursement,
How my head hurt, guts quivered and legs shivered.

All this in an hour!

[cynthialee]

wow!

that was one seriously busy hour!!!

[Rachel]

his was a tough week. I came out to HR at work ( great experiance) and went to the therapist ( worst disphoria this week and not letting up). I keep thinking of how I am going to explaine my physical and emotional pain to my wife and that it is a lot to handle. i find tears in my eyes when in bed and driving. I fight back emotion when at home and about.

I think about transition, how I will look, the looks and comments I will get and how I really want to be free.

I think of 6 horses running, each one a different color symbolizing differnet choices I can make. Full dose, low dose, very low dose, hide (no dose) , secret dose, then there is always an ever present black horse, beautiful and shiney and can run very fast and stop all the pain.

I need to have the HRT painful discussion with my wife. I want to try full dose for 3 months and then review the choices again. I want to lose another 25 pounds in that 3 months and really start to have some time in the community ( TG).

I am a Wishie Washie, non-committal and do not make waves type person. I hate it. I hate turmoil. I just want it to end. I am not thinking of doing something stupit but the thoughts of an easy way out is always present.

I want to be me. Not making headway and going around in circles is exhausting and draging me down. I need to find some guts.

[cynthialee]

If you have any plans on loosing weight do it pre HRT!
Once you start to take estrogene and surpress the testosterone you will find it alot more difficult to lose weight. I also suggest facial hair removal now while you have a higher pain tolerance due to testosterone. When I started my hair removal I was pre HRT and once I went on HRT let me tell you there was a serious differance in pain tolerance. Wish I had done the majority of it pre hrt...

There are a number of things you can do beore HRT to start your transition. HRT is just one component of a transition. You can secretly do beard removal, voice work, dieting and body sculpting via work outs, learning make up and fashion basics. The list is pretty long actually when you think on it.
So don't think that you can't start the work now. You can. And most of the stuff you can do now, you can do on your own time and not raise red flags.

hugz,
Cynthia Lee

[Rachel]

Thank you, hugs.

I was thinking of laser. I will go for it!

Weight, yes I am a BMI of 19 Male and going for 15 male and then I need to find out what female BMT would be?

I will start voice ( 2 hours a day while in transit to and from work). I have some tapes but voice is tough.

[cynthialee]

you can sound female regardless of your actual pitch
Inflection, vocabulary, body language/deportment are more important. Ever hear late actress Bea Arthur? She was deeper in resonance than most men but she never sounded male.
Do not get caught in the trap of a silly falseto. Taking it up a half a notch is ok and easily done. But some girls ... yeah it doesn't sound so good.

One key I was taught was to change the inside head voice to a female one. Chances are that your inside head voice sounds just like what your voice sounds like to you at its' present state.
If you alter the inner voice to a female voice then your outside voice will eventually catch up with some work.

[Cleopatra]

Thank you cynthialee for your comments. I am definitely a gay man and have only ever  had a relationship with one woman who is the mother of my two children. However I was a late out and have had several gay relationships since. My love for my boyfriend is very real and we are dealing with his transition. I do believe that it is difficult to put any person or relationships into a box and everyone is different. We have a pretty clear understanding of status between us and have a great sex life which changes and will continue to change as she transitions. It will be an interesting journey and will be posted as we go.  Good luck to everyone in similar circumstances.

[Rachel]

I have a voice program and frequency tuner on order. I am listening to and practicing voice on the way to/from work. I will do better when the frequency tuner arrives. i am using a digital recorder for feedback at present.

Laser, I will inquire at Mazzoni when I am there later this month.

Community, I will make a commitment to go to a group session by the end of the month. Mazzoni has a group session at 7 pm on thurdsays.

HRT later this month.  I need to have a conversation with my significan other by the end of the month.

Boss, I am hypersensative, has said to me several times "it seams like you want to tell me something ( 3 times)" and I am not hiding anything from you and I have nothing to hide from you). These have occured on 3 differnet meetings. I place the name of my Therapist on my digital calindar, his secretary has access to my calendar direct and can see the name. The name is also the same as a person who was terminated. Perhaps he thinks I am meeting with this female ( last thing I would do). Anyhow, I think he would be supportive, leads a Diversity group ( leadership advisor). Also, HR is having a big diversity meeting ( there is a person transitioning now and me to follow soon). I think the coverage of SRS will be covered by our health insurance. HR has been notified I am trans* and I will let them know when I start HRT, name and dress alterations with plenty of time in advance.


Question, do I come out to my boss? Do I do this prior to my evaluation? He makes me set some challenging personal goals and it may make for some interesting and thought provoking challenges like perform a power point presentation about Trans*, the experiace and journey. The presentation would be on stage in front of the department and with invited leadership. HUUUUMMM, talk about facing your fears. If I do nothing more in life I want people to know I a trans. I hid all my life and made myself feel like dirt. Although, I am not proud of being trans I am not defective or broken either. I am just fine ( although disphoric as hell, feel sick and afrade of my own shadow).

[Karen]

I am very grateful to you for sharing your experiences.  There are many of us in your position and we are inspired by your example.  You have courage and you will come out of this very happy.  Wishing you all the best. Lots of love.

[cynthialee]

I am very grateful to you for sharing your experiences.  There are many of us in your position and we are inspired by your example.  You have courage and you will come out of this very happy.  Wishing you all the best. Lots of love.

This bears repeating.

Cynthia, you being open and semi public about your transition is helping other women. This quoted post is the proof.

[Donna Elvira]

Question, do I come out to my boss? Do I do this prior to my evaluation? He makes me set some challenging personal goals and it may make for some interesting and thought provoking challenges like perform a power point presentation about Trans*, the experiace and journey. The presentation would be on stage in front of the department and with invited leadership. HUUUUMMM, talk about facing your fears. If I do nothing more in life I want people to know I a trans. I hid all my life and made myself feel like dirt. Although, I am not proud of being trans I am not defective or broken either. I am just fine ( although disphoric as hell, feel sick and afrade of my own shadow).

Quite new here, I have only just come across this thread. I didn't read everything, just the first page and the last, including the part where you discussed coming out with your HR Manager at work. Given her supportive reaction, don't you think she might be a good person to give you guidance on what the best approach might be regarding the question you ask above?

Just for your information, I  am a similar age to you, an engineer by training  and also a late transitioner but I guess you have already noticed that there are a lot of us in a similar position to you. Anyway, having first transtioned in my private life (100%% complete with everyone who counts) I am now trying to do the same thing at work. Like you I started with the H.R. manager, a woman I get on with very well and we had a very open and warm discussion. Since I am new to my present position we finished the discussion with an agreement that it would be best to keep it between us until I have really settled into the business. However, the following day, she came back to me and said she had changed her mind, that she finally thought I should also tell the boss as there was a real risk that he would feel betrayed if he were to be informed later or, even worse, find out through a third party. I think she also felt it was too big a secret for her to carry alone...

I had spoken to her on a Friday and she got back to me on Saturday. As it a happens I had a meeting scheduled with my boss on the Monday, including lunch together. Since  deep down I agreed with her that not telling him was probably as risky as telling him, I decided to bite the bullet. I was pretty stressed out until that lunch on the Monday but at the end of the day, it went very well.

He was intially a bit annoyed that I hadn't told him before he hired me (I have quite a high visibility position in the company) but when I asked him if I would have gotten the position if I had, he acknowledged that he understood where I was coming from and thanking me for trusting him with such personal information.   At the end of the day the conclusion was the same as with the HR manager, it was too early to try to transition on the job and we would revisit the subject in the Autumn. As an engineering business, it is also a very male environment which complicates things a bit.

Today the wait is frustrating, very frustrating as I live female fulltime in my private life and there is also an  obvious risk that I will be outed by accident. However, just getting the subject out in the open has already been very good for me and there are definite practical benefits. In particular I can get away with a very atypical presentation for someone in my position, including long hair worn in ponytail, androgynous, if not to say ambiguous, dress when not interfacing with external parties and a generally very feminine appearance.  (Apart from long hair, HRT since 2008, FFS already done too and beard removal close to complete...)

Hope that helps you with your own thinking on the subject.
Bises depuis l'Alsace.
Donna

P.S. I think we can all be proud of assuming our trans identity. I'm still not sure if we do it out of courage or desperation and am always embarrassed when someone says it's very courageous (I strongly suspect it's just a  polite way of saying they think I'm nuts... ) but beyond that being trans gives us very unique perspectives on lots of things, with the potential to live an incredibly rich  life. 

   

[Rachel]

Thank you, Hugs.

About Trans* pride -  I am at zero right now. It sounds bad but I am coming from a minus 100:
- I told 8 people I am Trans and all the details.
- I walked into the Mazzoni center,
- i walked into the William Way center,
- I am on target for HRT,
- I am in therapy dealing with being me,
- I am growing my hair,
- I shine my finger nails, shave some hair and wear panties,
-I read 3 trans and 1 trauma books recently,
- I will start voice (just started) and laser,
-I have a simple goal, I want to come out, begin hrt and keep an open mind about future presenting.
I am very proud of my accoumplishments and how it feels. When I experiance me more and fully then I am sure I will be proud but now i am very scared. I too am gaining appreciation im my ability to see others in a different ways, how they communicate and interact.

I will talk to my therapist tomorrow and if green lighted then contact HR and see what she thinks about coming out to my boss. I need to end the torment. I too think he would be hurt if I did not come out to him and I was outed. I really do like him and I think he will be an alli ( see, how many people really like their boss? I hate keeping the secret from him). Oh those damn butterflies in my tummy.

I truely appreciate and admire the women here. I just do not know how you get the strength to be you. I hope to look back, some day, and know the answer.

I work with a female engineer and female EIT and they are fantastic. I enjoy working with them and interacting with them. About 80% of the people where I work are women and they are role models for me, I am lucky. When I go open at work I will disclose here too.

[cynthialee]

here. I just do not know how you get the strength to be you. I hope to look back, some day, and know the answer.

funny...it looks like you already have that strength and just don't see it yet:

I told 8 people I am Trans and all the details.
- I walked into the Mazzoni center,
- i walked into the William Way center,
- I am on target for HRT,
- I am in therapy dealing with being me,
- I am growing my hair,
- I shine my finger nails, shave some hair and wear panties,
-I read 3 trans and 1 trauma books recently,
- I will start voice (just started) and laser,
-I have a simple goal, I want to come out, begin hrt and keep an open mind about future presenting.
I am very proud of my accoumplishments and how it feels.

[cynthialee]

I forgot to add, it is cliché but it is true:
a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step

And to be honest, once you get going one step is about the same as another in the long run. Eventually you will be transitioned, looking back and wondering, when the last time someone called you by your old name or 'sir'.
The journey is not the destination, but the journey is as important as the destination. Do not forget to stop along the way and smell the flowers so to speak. Really understand the male privilege you will surrender and see how male privilege effects women everywhere( and you) going into your life as a woman.
There is so much more to transition than changing wardrobe, genitals and hormones.