MTF in need of help

[cynthialee]

 

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and reviewed:

1) Started back full spiro on 7/15.

2) Reviewed having sex 3 times in 3 days (ejaculated 1 time, faked it 1 time successfully and 2nd time not so convincing but was close). My butt cheeks hurt so much the third time I just 1/2 hearted faked it. The time I did ejaculate it was soooo intense it was unlike anything I have experience before.

3) Read Jihad and review the similarities of no self, locked away in a mental cage, no self expression and how it correlated with being trans.

4) Reviewed recent body changes, hair growth on head ( hair is getting long and I need a tiny trim), ultimate head hear length ( shoulders or a tad above), reviewed body hair, under arm hair fineness, slow growth between shaves and softness, skin softness, eye sight, no more dry eye, gain of 20 lbs.

5) Next Dr. appt. is the end of Aug. and reviewed anticipated questions ( injectable E and increased E and spiro).

6) Continued mental great feeling and how it keeps getting better.

7) Review  trans porn sight ( homework I like) and how I felt and identified. What can I say, I dreamed of sex as one of the participants and it was fantastic. Asked if I reviewed anything other than the  trans vids and I realized I had no interest on other and did not.

8 looked into the future 2.5 months and asked how would I go back to non hrt after what I am feeling and experiencing now. I need to think how I will look and present. Reviewed styles and body hair and telling my child at month 4 perhaps.

9) reviewed another guy complimented my hair and specifically the curls, felt good. She asked why 8 guys said something and I felt perhaps they think I look good but perhaps it is the unbelievable taboo I am doing and they like that.

10) A manager was kidding and said to another manager( knows I am trans) I have gay tendencies. I said yes I do and he looked at me. 

[cynthialee]

Funny, I was just wondering about how you are doing.

Thank you for updating this post.

Sounds like you are well on your way and settling in just fine and dandy.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and she is getting tough on me:

-Making me use I,
-wants me to look her in the eyes when we speak to each other,
-Caught me in a projection, I do not want to hold XXXXX(wife) back, ( I feel I do not want XXX to hold me back),
-Does not like how I change the subject when things start to get deep, she kept me on the subject and I could feel the tears building. I was able to give a little more detail then change the subject. She disclose how "my change the subject" works, the words and looks and said I need to stop. She called me when I smile ( false smile to hide behind).
-reviewed some homophobia stuff that is happening to me at work. I meet it directly. Stuff like, I am going to take a collection for you. We will buy you an ass, no homo. Also, when did we start don't ask don't tell. Another guy walked uo from behind and when he was feeling my hair in the back he said, "what do you put gel in your hair". I think he is a mouth piece ( I liked it when he asked and it was in public).
- I called a a super


-She pushed me and pushed me until I let her know what I want:
I see thousands of women a day. I look at how they wear their hair. I want a pony tail. I want to be able to put my hair in a bun. I want to wear a nice fitted top and a skirt and show off my legs. I told her I wanted to be born a woman (holding back the tears so I injected directness). I want to be left alone ( did not tell her I want me to leave me alone, the dysphonia is gearing up). I want to be cis and not dwell on every aspect of the women I see. I told her I want to be left alone (I think she thought I meant her and she said that is enough and we ended).

I am not very happy tonight. Head is pounding and I ate a lot (cherries, at least healthy).

I may disclose past incest ( I was very young) and it happened a few times. I am the youngest of three and it was with the oldest. I never disclosed this before to anyone. I felt shame and buried it deep.


Funny thing happened with the scripts last night. I have new insurance cards so the Pharmacist called (female) and got the new card info. ( I order on line and pick up via dive through). Then the Pharmacist calls and says he is light on the spiro and do I have enough to pick up on Wed. Then he calls and says he has enough. Then he calls and says he miscounted because he does not have enough ( multiple pills each day). When I was done I do not feel embarrassed any more talking to pharmacists about the scripts.

[cynthialee]

you are in good company for the survivor of incest thing

We were not like other kids. Sexual predators pick up on that difference and vulnerability and we are victimized in larger numbers than the standard population.

I did a few informal surveys on this topic in another trans forum that focused on this topic.
More than 75% reported that they had been sexually victimized as a child. Over 50% reported that it was a family member.

I am sorry that you had to deal with such crap. You should discuss it with your therapist.

[Rachel]

Thank you, hugs!

There is more about the incest and other things. I really need to talk to her about it. She wanted to talk about deeper issues, well, ok, but it is deep. It has molded some of the behaviors and feelings I exhibit every day. There is not a day that goes by I do not think about it. Not the acts in particular, the shame and feelings of someone is going to get me.

I did not know so many trans* were abused as children. We are just targets. When I went to gay clubs I knew there was a chance I would be put into a bad position and still went. I knew the areas were full of predators but I was in my early 20's and it was a known risk.

Thanks for understanding.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and discussed:

-Wife blowing up at me for a minor bit of attitude ( going to the bathroom and was asked what I was doing). She said I do no deserve her and She is too good for me. A few days later asked why, is it because I am trans? response, yes. Why? Because most women would have left you. Daughter walked into the room and the conversation ended. I went numb for a few minutes. The power in our relationship shifted and she is on top.

- Asked on an elevator by a person I did not see for 3 months if  am losing weight (I am the same weight). I said maybe and then she said is it on purpose. I said no and she said I hope everything is ok.

- Wife wanted to see my posts on Susan's Place and I said no and closed out the sight. Daughter said I know why, Daddy is a lesbian (daughter does not know I am trans, just into shock).

- Reviewed incest incidents ( I was 6 and other person 12 or 13) and another incident at age 12 ( I only shared with the therapist and nowhere else ever again). This took most of the session and we ended 10 minutes early. I am glad someone knows but I am feeling sick to my stomach. This has been with me, every day, for a very long time.

Facing your issues and being honest is not a gift but necessary. I wish I could stop feeling dirty and ashamed and move on.

[Rachel]

It was a beautiful day and the beach was full. I saw so many different styles, sizes and ages of women it was mind numbing. I found my body type goal and hair style goal. What will I look like next year? I know YMMV but I wonder. I had never believed I would be thinking of going to the beach in a two piece but maybe. Perhaps in a wet suite next spring.

I was able to take off my shirt and go into the water 3 hours or so. I am just getting minor tissue and my nipples are about the max "guy" size. In the water the nipple pain was like I was being pierced, the whole time. The water was about warm at 70 degrees f. Is this normal and does the pain ever go away?

The day was a completely wonderful yet the most different day on the beach yet

[cynthialee]

Yes, the boob pains eventually go away.

Then one day out of the blue they will be tender and sore. No rhyme or reason.

Welcome to another part of womanhood.

[Allie]

Cynthia Michelle, I want to thank you for being so candid and descriptive in your journey. I can relate to so many of your earlier comments.

I am amazed at your courage and where you are. I hope that I can confront myself as you have. I am so afraid of everything at this point and my future looks very bleak. You are very inspirational to me, I haven't been able to cope with any of this I'm just a mess. I've been crying so much I never want to leave the house. Unlike you my wife has been very supportive, she continues to tell me to get counciling, I don't know what I would do if she wasn't here. I just wish this would all go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you

[cynthialee]

Cynthia Michelle, I want to thank you for being so candid and descriptive in your journey. I can relate to so many of your earlier comments.

I am amazed at your courage and where you are. I hope that I can confront myself as you have. I am so afraid of everything at this point and my future looks very bleak. You are very inspirational to me, I haven't been able to cope with any of this I'm just a mess. I've been crying so much I never want to leave the house. Unlike you my wife has been very supportive, she continues to tell me to get counciling, I don't know what I would do if she wasn't here. I just wish this would all go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you

Hi Allie,
Mind if I butt into your post?
No?

Spiffy!
You are so sweet.


Transition. I swear to you that it will get better. The noise in your head that is constantly demanding action be taken will quiet down and you will be able to think clearly again.
My spouse like yours encouraged me to face this head on and deal with it. That encouragement resulted in me not only surviving this hell, but I am thriving now.

I can not promise that your social relationships will survive your transition. But the culture is changing. I lost 1 friend and no family members. In fact once word started getting out that not only did I transition, but I was stable and mentally healthy my old friends and alienated family members started to drift back into my life. Seems that only one person was hung up on what gender I was. Which let me be honest, was a complete shock to me. I expected to have all of them shut me out. People can surprise you, you never know how they will react until they react.

Make an appointment with a therapist who is qualified to work with transgender clients. A visit to the psyrink is not a commitment. You do not suddenly become identifiable as a trans* person by seeing the doctor. (That comes later and typically lasts a short time.)

As it is you are miserable. Could transition possibly be worse than this hell you are going through right now? Thousands and thousands of women have been exactly where you are. We intimately know what it is you are going through and not a one of us would wish it on an enemy. But there is hope. Over 90% of transitioned women are happier than they were in their previous lives. No other treatment for any other condition can boast a success rate like this.
And trust me, being a girl is more rewarding for a TS woman than being a man is for her. Being a man for a TS woman is like wearing some one else's shoes. Even if they are the right size and a style you enjoy, the fit will be wrong and off. There will be pain and it is best to get out of those shoes as they are not a healthy fit. (make sense?)

Please keep us posted.

Cynthia M,
See, your post has done good. I told you that sharing like this openly would help other girls.

[Allie]

Hi Allie,
Mind if I butt into your post?
No?

Absolutely butt into any of my posts whenever you want. The guidance and assuredness you bring is very comforting, it almost makes me forget.. only for a second tho . I realize it is a matter of choices and consequences at this point, only problem is it's not like painting the bedroom where you can recolor if you want, these are life-long committments  .

I don't want to hijack Cynthia Michelle's thread with my issues

[Rachel]

Allie, you are not hijacking the post. Please post here.

There are some fantastic people here who have experienced what you are experiencing and there is light on the path. I was a mess in December. I hid and put out of my mind the best I could. But eventually a lifetime of pain hit when I admitted I am TG. Therapy and then transition has been a gift that is changing my life. There are hurdles and pain but the rewards are 10 fold.

Therapy is tough. I have disclosed to my therapist my sole, thoughts, past, present, fears, feelings and in return she helpes me to address and go forward. Last week I dreaded 2 day prior and felt sick during therapy and had migraines for 2 days after, in the evenings. I now feel free and ready to plan for the next 2 months.

Hormones have been unbelievable for me. The fog, chest squeeze are gone and vision is a bit better. Physical changes are happening too . If hormones are not for you and you are not TG then it will be apparent. If you are then stopping is something that would be difficult. My dysphoria is manageable now. The hang up I had about hormones was completely wrong. I thought it would be something the happened quick and you had no control of and was a one way street. They are slow acting ( I love noticing little changes) and you can have the Doctor prescribe a lower dose ( I originally wanted low dose but am on a pretty standard dose, when the time came I asked for what I wanted and not what I feared). Hormones can be stopped (under Doctors care) if you decide it is not for you.

Thank you for the kind comments about the topic. The intent is to help others. I was so very close this time to ending it. There was no elaborate plan this time. I have a lot of insurance and increased it a lot in December. The opportunity to end the pain is there every day. However now the thoughts are mostly faint and dismissed quickly. The reason is I am starting to like myself and what I am and I have people to share my feeling with.

Cynthialee, you are right the post is helping others. Thank you for being there!

[cynthialee]

see Cyndi M doesn't mind...




So there you have it, from two of us Cynthia's. Life gets better if you start to address the issues.

One of my big clues I was on the right path was that my insomnia cleared up in a week of starting HRT. 20 years of not sleeping well just cleared up in no time. I attribute this to the lessening of the stress of staying male. Then once I got my orchi and breast augmentation I have been pretty much as sane as I could imagine was possible. I don't think I have been balled up in the fetal position howling from psychic pain in a couple years now.

[Allie]

"Cynthias" I can feel the love in your posts. I truely appreciate you helping a stranger out, I mean you don't know me but you are so caring and compassionate.

Cynthia Michelle I am so glad that your December plan did not go as planned. It was/is your struggle that I adore. I know that however or wherever I end up, there is hope. So I called to make an appt. with a councilor and I left a message but she didn't get back with me, I will try again in the morning.

Cynthilee, I havent slept in a month about 3-4 hrs a night, it's really starting to take a toll on me. Hopefully I can get to see the councilor soon before I become a zombie.

[cynthialee]

keep trying to contact that therapist

I know that just talking about it with a professional and getting it off your chest can be very powerful mojo.

[Allie]

keep trying to contact that therapist

I know that just talking about it with a professional and getting it off your chest can be very powerful mojo.

I am hoping, this is unsustainable. Once again no sleep.
Will keep you posted ladies

[Rachel]

 My first  visit was an intake with a social worker at the Mazzoni Center. I dumped everything I had out. When I left I had a card for a Therapist who would interview me to see if I would be accepted for therapy. I felt like I was walking on air. I had parked on a roof top garage and the sun was setting and I just sat there watching the sun set with not a thought in my mind. I was calm and at piece for the first time in months.

I too slept very little, felt sick and had a constant head ach for months. Therapy and transition is the reason I am getting to a very nice place and where I am starting to like my true self.

Our narratives ( TG in general) are very similar. I have "the classic narrative". We are all very similar and need each other.We do care and you are part of the family now. We are extraordinary people and share many traits. Allie, get to a gender therapist and keep a log of your progress. I started by making a list of my past life, everything pertinent and when. After about 10 hours of typing I read the script beginning to end and there was no question in my mind. I am TG and I am a girl. 

[cynthialee]

 

That last post about how you watched the sunset I could totally see...

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and we discussed:

Last weeks session specifically incest and another early childhood single event issue and how I felt when I disclosed and now. I still think of the two issues every day but now it is fading to the background. Children are sexual and I should not feel guilty and children get abused. The Therapist expressed these two issues are very common with TG. I feel so much better but still .....

I said I was ready to move on to my present and future. I said I had told her everything in my past and it is time to talk present and she asked me to repeat when I first felt like and expressed I am a girl. I told her it was at age 5. (more) I had put on my sisters cloths and makeup, walked up to my Mom and said see Mom I am like you. Mom freaked, dragged me into the bathroom and while sitting on the toilet lid holding me and scrubbing my face. She was yelling and I was hysterical. I said I was a girl and would do it again. She held me so tight and scrubbed to hurt and said next time she would used a brush and tell my Dad and he would beet me ( he would).

She then asked why do you find wearing women's cloths so hard. Click, I had it. It is my next goal, slow and in therapy. My face was so red and on fire, stomach quivering and I was chilled. She discussed there is a lot of emotion there to work on.