I have been very busy this week with work and really have not had a chance to update. Tuesday night I went to therapy, the psychologist is a gender therapist that has worked with this condition many times.
The whole day before I went, I kept trying to talk myself out of going.. I could figure this out.. this will go away with time and get easier to handle. This would be the first person outside my wife who knows, OMG I was about to let the word out.
So the session, she was very welcoming. Of course I was wiggling in the seat, wringing my hands just feeling totally uncomfortable. Then she asked "how can I help you?". Utter silence for 2 minutes, I couldn't say, I was too ashamed. That 2 minutes seemed like an eternity. So she asked my again, I told her that in my 44 years I have never been to counciling and how new this was. After she comforted me and gave me a speil of everything is confidential, I spilled. Actually once I started I couldn't shut up. Blah blah blah blah, I don't think she got a word in in anout 15 minutes.
At the end of me pouring my soul out and holding back tears, I asked for the fix. The magic wand she kept in the drawer. The pendant she would use to hypnotize me. Whatever magic she was going to pull out and make this all better. Guess what? There's no magic, no hope. Because she had gone through this before she said that this could be resisted but it will affect the spirit. I'm thinking.. kill my soul or climb an impossible mountain. What a choice.
The session ended before I was ready. I wanted another 2 hours to help figure this out. She talked of support groups, I said I could barely open up to her. Didn't think I am ready for that. I still haven't come to terms that I can't fix this somehow. I keep telling myself more therapy, more therapy, that'll help. She seemed pretty resigned to the fact that there is nothing to do to change this, it is who I am. I also got a homework assignment, she gave my a book, "She's Not There". Before next weeks session I should read it. The book is pretty entertaining and a good read. I am about half way through where she is going full time.
Seems thing are moving at light speed, I am getting more and more disgusted looking into the mirror and seeing a man. It just adds to the stress.
Christen I certainly feel your pain!!!! Cynthia Michelle in this thread has laid out, albiet a true roller coaster of a ride, how she is working through this. From where she was to where she is now, for me I hope I can come to terms like she has and move forward.
