Thank you. I dont have access to a theripist I wish I did but circumstances I dont think will allow it  kinda hard to explain if anybody wants to talk can email me and I will explain my situation one on one dont want to really post it
Kisses
Christen

I went to the therapist today and we reviewed:

I am 1 week away from 3 months HRT. I committed to 3 months and she requested I do at least 4 months. She said and...... I said I am picking up month 4's meds tonight. I once said I do not know how I would do hrt now I do not know how I could stop. The feeling is so correct and I feel really good and I am getting out of my shell.

I am still relearning sex and need to get more stimulation so I climax closer to my wife. It takes a long time to climax with minimal stimulation. Climax is good but feeling another's skin and emotions and connecting is very very pleasing too now.

I am going to the Buffalo Exchange tomorrow and I will figuratively be shopping with a 5 year old (me).

Reviewed last weeks subject (5 years old and showing Mom me in makeup and woman's cloths). She asked how things went after I left and I told her I cried on the way home and during some parts of the nights and weekend. I got choked up and she asked why and I told her I somewhat forgave my Mom. I still do not know why she did it to me and why she did not help me(tears). I think she was doing what she thought was right but it was so wrong. She has been gone for 2.5 years now and I will never be able to ask her. I guess it is time to buy some cloths, bury my ghost and put it past me. I really want to do this.

Alison asked it I wanted to attend the TG social on Thursday nights between 7-9 and I said yes. I guess she feels I am ready now. She said I could talk to other girls and maybe ever get a shopping friend. I need help and how better?

She took some brief general sizing and gave me some suggested starting measurements for sizes.

She is on vacation next week but would pick up the phone if I needed her; she is a nice caring person.

I just did not want to do anything heavy today. I still tear up at the thoughts of last week.

I look forward to the TS/TG get together we have every other week. It is nice to be in a room of other transitioners. To be normal in a room full of people and not unique.

Being with similar people is almost a longing, a call in the distance or a ship just on the horizon. I feel safe at the LGBT center with the non T people too. No guard, no defenses and no worries.

Alison is a director at the LGBT site and she is very protective of trans* people and her patients. I guess I am ready

I have been very busy this week with work and really have not had a chance to update. Tuesday night I went to therapy, the psychologist is a gender therapist that has worked with this condition many times.

The whole day before I went, I kept trying to talk myself out of going.. I could figure this out.. this will go away with time and get easier to handle. This would be the first person outside my wife who knows, OMG I was about to let the word out.

So the session, she was very welcoming. Of course I was wiggling in the seat, wringing my hands just feeling totally uncomfortable. Then she asked "how can I help you?". Utter silence for 2 minutes, I couldn't say, I was too ashamed. That 2 minutes seemed like an eternity. So she asked my again, I told her that in my 44 years I have never been to counciling and how new this was. After she comforted me and gave me a speil of everything is confidential, I spilled. Actually once I started I couldn't shut up. Blah blah blah blah, I don't think she got a word in in anout 15 minutes.

At the end of me pouring my soul out and holding back tears, I asked for the fix. The magic wand she kept in the drawer. The pendant she would use to hypnotize me. Whatever magic she was going to pull out and make this all better. Guess what? There's no magic, no hope. Because she had gone through this before she said that this could be resisted but it will affect the spirit. I'm thinking.. kill my soul or climb an impossible mountain. What a choice.

The session ended before I was ready. I wanted another 2 hours to help figure this out. She talked of support groups, I said I could barely open up to her. Didn't think I am ready for that. I still haven't come to terms that I can't fix this somehow. I keep telling myself more therapy, more therapy, that'll help. She seemed pretty resigned to the fact that there is nothing to do to change this, it is who I am. I also got a homework assignment, she gave my a book, "She's Not There". Before next weeks session I should read it. The book is pretty entertaining and a good read. I am about half way through where she is going full time.

Seems thing are moving at light speed, I am getting more and more disgusted looking into the mirror and seeing a man. It just adds to the stress.

Christen I certainly feel your pain!!!! Cynthia Michelle in this thread has laid out, albiet a true roller coaster of a ride, how she is working through this. From where she was to where she is now, for me I hope I can come to terms like she has and move forward.

Allie, congratulations, you made the hardest step and it gets easier. I bet you felt a rush of relief when you left therapy. You mentioned impossible and hopeless; you will learn it is anything but hopeless and impossible. It is one the best things I have done in life. Yes, it is hard work and new and different. When you realize (takes time) you are just fine albeit different and are welcoming of your inner female sex
then you will start to feel so good in your own skin.

My life is so much like Jennie Borland ( friend on facebook) it is scary. On Page 100 I sat and cried. At that time I wanted to start HRT. The thought of HRT was scary because I just knew I would wake up the day after starting and  look like a cc female and not have time to adjust and ease into and welcome each change. How wrong could I have been! I had no idea the mental and physical feeling (not looks) change and how awesome it is. Like swimming in water not acid for the 1st time.  Now I want the physical changes and can not imagine going off hrt.

What is so so hard is clothing. I want desperately to dress but have such an issue. I am working on it and it is a lot of work for me. It is my mountain. I think just going to the stores and looking is a goal for now. Walking in the door is an issue.


My therapist says I am all backwards, I notified work  and started HRT (ounce I learned) without much issue but cloths is my difficulty.

Good luck, hugs. Tomorrow I will be 3 months old and I am getting boobies!

No two peoples transitions are exactly the same.

Did you go to the TG group on Thursdays at the Mazzoni Center? If so, what was it like? How were the people? Were they young, old, a mix of the two? I thought about going. Haven't.

Ohhhhh, Aloha, dear sister Cynthia,

Rickya here... the newer intro post than yours!  See already, you have sisters, who are following you!

OMG, dear friend!   I so feel your pain and your agony!  I cannot even imagine the conflict you are in!  My own gay coming out was pale by comparison.   And now I have few persons, who will be impacted by a second coming out-- no wife, no child.  I so empathize with you!

I am brand new here at Susan's place.  But, my new friend, does this seem like the safest place in the world to "let yourself be"!!

Cynthia, my words to you--(easy for me to say! not really):  As much as you are able... for this present time-- "just let it be"!  That's my new motto.  Let it be.  Let it be.  Let it be.

Time. Time WILL/ CAN heal.

And please, sister, be easy on yourself.   You are a dear.  You are the bravest creature in the world right now.  Give yourself time and just let it be!

I think we're gonna find love and acceptance her.  Take it in and let it help you through the bravest thing you will ever do in your life.

You are in my prayers,  Cynthia,
Aloha no!  Rickya

Thank you all, hugs.

This social group would be at William Way LGBT center 1315 Spruce Street. I had therapy on Thursday and the social is on Thursday but later in the day. I had not discussed it with my wife yet. She says I am untrustworthy and worries I am having sex with men and Trans*. When I get  there I will post what the social is like. I thought about going to the Mazzoni group too. I have my three month checkup at Mazzoni Tuesday and I will inquire. I think that social is by the Casio at their other site.

Aloha, and thank you for the encouragement. The clothing issue and socialization are actively part of my therapy. I get home work and goals and we review and work out my blocks that I make and restrict myself from being me. I am not brave, far from it. I figured out I want to live, hence the struggle. I want to be me.


Yes, we all transition differently and I think I need to socialize and meet other people like me face to face. I have so many questions.

No therapist this week ( she is on vacation)

Went to Mazzoni for a 3 month oil check and conversation about life with the PA Dusty (really nice guy).
- reviewed:
sex,
wife,
coming out at work and need to work on wife to tell daughter,
beach and black top,
higher dose, no needs to check to make sure pituitary gland is not enlarging, major bummer!,
Cialis refill and meds refill,
blood taken,
reviewed wife referencing me as a woman ( said she wished I was not a woman, way cool),

reappointment in 6 months. Lots of refills on order. Doing well.

I'm 60 plus and have been on HRT for 5 months. My experiences are very similar to your and so many other here that I have read their posts. I came out to my SO recently and you could read my post under "A sould lifting experience from mu SO when I told her". I hope you can find inspiration.

Thank you. I will read it now.

Just read it, she is truly special and an Allie. I would love that for myself, a dream.

 

Still following.

Ops Manager said yes Mam today. I pointed it out and he said how did it feel, I smiled.

Told him(joking) I was going to the exec and complain he does not want to know my name and use proper pronouns. Next day he did, in earshot of 5 people. Huuuuuum, felt pretty nice.

Another Director( does not know I am trans*) was discussing the 25 year recognition dinner and said he would take another girl if his wife did not go and he knew I would not say anything, I confirmed. ( Many of guys cheat at work) Then I said I would bring a guy if my wife did not go (he thinks I am kidding). Then he said there never was a TV at the event. I said if my wife did not go I would dress as a woman and bring a male date, he laughed. Then he said he would bring it up the the exec. who knows I am Trans*. Oh so funny.

Cynthia,
Ditto on everything you have said in this string..... I was diagnosed with GID long ago.. now 54 and bell went off and well I have much to think about.
I am new here and wanted to say I appreciate the way you expressed your feelings... so much like mine.
I wish I could somehow make my feelings go away... I was so exhausted yesterday after going to the lake and sell a boat we had...it was hot and I almost passed out..
After a three hour drive home I was laying in bed reading a warning on a site about transition.. the story's of failure and regret..
Last night I profoundly decided no way.. I am going to do it.. with some relief...just too much trouble...
Blew my great diet and found myself eating ice cream at midnight overeating again..
Woke up this morning... and nothing has changed except that I can't wait for my therapy session next week...and would give anything to get my testosterone stopped now.
The perfect diet is on again.. I want to live... I want to change.. I am planning everything out way ahead... My feelings just wont go away..
Carrie

Carrie,
You are amongst friends and family here.
Get to the therapist appointment and start the work. I promise that transition is not as difficult as it may seem, and a womans life isn't that bad. I find it very enjoyable and wish I had done this decades ago.

Thanks Cynthialee,

I am trying to take one day at a time.. not my nature.. thank you for your support.. I have found a great therapist experienced and should be able to guide me to my best outcome... I will take the therapy very seriously...I am a pilot btw and will take this more seriously that learning to fly.... its much more involved and the risks of poor outcome are not an option.. at least if I crash a plane I don't have to worry about what happened......but seriously, I am scared to death.

Funny thing happened to me... sitting at my desk doing research trying to find the answers on my own... I read a post about finger index... silly thing right...
right index finger 70mm and index 69mm...... and just when I was trying to make sense of everything I am more confused than ever... my hand matches my wifes perfectly.. maybe that is why I have feminine face small hands feet and other assets 
Take care.. see you around the boards as the journey starts..
Carrie

Carrie, I was fixated on reading the finger size ratios and regret stories ( not many). I too was scared over the past 9 months but after I did it, I feel so much better. The world really does not care, just the closest in your life.  I regret not doing it much sooner. Transition for me is wonderful. HRT is reversible for the beginning few months, perhaps 3 or 4. You will know if it is for you by the end of that time, if you choose to use HRT.

Therapy is a blessing.

No, the feelings do not go away. Please keep in mind you are normal, just a little different.

How common is the finger size thing? Mine are cis-normal, as far as I can measure!