MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Thanks, I need to get back to FB. I have been so busy at work I have had little time to do much of anything and I am taking a class for a certification.

I reviewed this with my therapist. If I come out at work then the threat is divorce. If I wear cloths full time then divorce. If I disclose to all then  (probable) divorce. If I continue growing my identity, which feels empowering, and I disclose to others, which feels vulnerable (very good when the response is not negative) and when I wear cloths I feel excited (not erection excited but happy excited) then perhaps the growth is worth the risk.

I do know, I only had a few not serious times suicide popped into my mind in the last 5
months while on HRT. I have been happy quite a few times and really feel close to my wife and others.

When my therapist said, Cynthia it sounds like your presentation went well. I ignored the comment and when asked what she said I did not know. I did not hear the comment. She repeated the comment and it felt neutral. I have thought about the comment a few times and I am feeling good thoughts and feelings. I agree with the comment.

My home work is to allow positive reinforcement in and vision Cynthia receiving the praise. The feeling when Cindy receives praise is electrifying.

I just want to be me.

So, eventually I may share me in total or not. Perhaps I will not need to hide my growing identity for ever. 

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) I have been wearing a bra since last week. I feel great and I was very happy. I said the dressing just does not stop. I do one thing and then I need to build on the success. 

2) I discussed I intend to order a pair of jeans and it is really no big deal. 

3) I then discussed the memory of being called a fag and homo in front of the Haggerty Library when in college 30 years past. The guys, about five, were very threatening. I was thoroughly humiliated.  I was there Sunday at an open house at Drexel. I did not let on to my family but there was a few seconds of panic as I froze and relived the event. At this point, I started to get a head ach.

4) Reviewed a lot of similar situations where I was called a homo and faggot and threatened with physical violence. In college I may have been called names every day for 3 years. That was the reason I hid and made an alternative life in a bubble. I believed what they said and took in all the hatred and I really hated myself.  I took a lot of repetitive comments from my family too.

5) I now realized The jeans would be the 1st external (other than growing my hair and HRT) sign of my famine self in 30 years. The jeans are a very big deal. I may (will) take a lot of heat from my current family. Outside the house, I am guessing will be sporadic bigotry.

At this point the session was over and I had a splitting head ach and I felt sick to my stomach.

I may get a jacked (North Face) with the jeans. I feel excited to shop for the cloths, even if it is only on line. 

[cynthialee]

[carrie359]

Cynthia,
My therapist told me to buy some woman's jeans.. I told her my jeans were falling of me since I lost so much weight...  I seem to be a few steps behind you... I start HRT soon..
Have a great weekend,
Carrie

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today and we reviewed:

1) Jeans are on order. If they fit well I will order more. I really like them, low on the hip and straight leg

2) Reviewed my wife demeaning me with comments. The comments are enough to hurt but I am biting my toung. I will address the next comment in a most likely soft approach.

3) I burped at home and I did not see my daughter there and she said, "that is not lady like". She must be building on my wife's comments ( does not know I am TG).

4) Reviewed next year's beach panic, was redirected to the hear and now.

5) Having a boy crazy phase; listed specifics.

6) Discussed a NothFace coat I want. I would get black with white letters. The cut will be cool. Jeans, hair and coat. Next I am looking for some tops. The line was stated that if I dress then the marriage is over. The cloths is going to be the 1st big test. Going out in public will be an identity boost too.

[KabitTarah]

I went to the therapist today and we reviewed:

1) Jeans are on order. If they fit well I will order more. I really like them, low on the hip and straight leg

2) Reviewed my wife demeaning me with comments. The comments are enough to hurt but I am biting my toung. I will address the next comment in a most likely soft approach.

3) I burped at home and I did not see my daughter there and she said, "that is not lady like". She must be building on my wife's comments ( does not know I am TG).

4) Reviewed next year's beach panic, was redirected to the hear and now.

5) Having a boy crazy phase; listed specifics.

6) Discussed a NothFace coat I want. I would get black with white letters. The cut will be cool. Jeans, hair and coat. Next I am looking for some tops. The line was stated that if I dress then the marriage is over. The cloths is going to be the 1st big test. Going out in public will be an identity boost too.

Which jeans? I know some of the Levi's (though not too well ... yet). I just ordered a 2nd pair of (Men's... but WTH - they're all the same) 510 Super Skinny I think some of the guys at work get nervous when I wear them.

I hate ultimatums... they're unfair. I was given a few and promptly said I couldn't possibly stick to them. I think that was the beginning of the end - though really... that was the Saturday I came out to her. The negative language and derisive tones I got from my wife only stopped after I discussed with her therapist that I think it would harm the kids in the long run. They have to see my transition as normal and acceptable or they'll be further open to ridicule and teasing from their peers. . . and my 4 year old daughter is the biggest burper of them all right now (we tell her it's not polite if she doesn't say excuse me or if she keeps doing it LOL)

[cynthialee]

3) I burped at home and I did not see my daughter there and she said, "that is not lady like". She must be building on my wife's comments ( does not know I am TG).

Yeah.....about that.

Your daughter surely knows if she is throwing out quips like that. Even if it is only on a subconscious level...she knows.

[Rachel]

My wife made some pretty insulting comments last night and we talked. 1st time about my feminity in a while. I called her on he comments and she said she wanted reassurances I will not dress as a female, get surgeries and meet for support in the community

I was even "asked" not to post on Susan's Place.

She did say she liked my hair and that felt good; but I want to grow it to just below my shoulders. Then there was my nails of which I agreed to keep trimmed a little shorter.

I said I would limit Susan's to 30 minutes, that I will order jeans and wear them in the bedroom I said I wanted a Northface jacket and a woman's watch and she cried. And said she wanted me to go back to the way I was before I told her.

The jeans came today (A.N.A. brand) and they fit like a glove I put them away

I am somewhat numb and just going through the motions. I have been thinking a lot about a lot of things. I was somewhat happy at times for 2 weeks thinking of the possibilities and do I dare to dream and now I realize I was kidding myself. I have to define myself and stick to what I can live with. If I fail then I do not know what then. I am not going back.

[cynthialee]

hun, I know this is not easy to hear, but it may be time to start considering the eventuality of separation.
She is not going to let go of the male you without a serious fit and fight.

I am so sorry.

[Megumi]

hun, I know this is not easy to hear, but it may be time to start considering the eventuality of separation.
She is not going to let go of the male you without a serious fit and fight.

I am so sorry.

I have to agree with this as much as it pains me to say it.

Cynthia, It really does seem like your wife will not be able to let the "man" go. Especially given how incredibly resistant she is to you exploring your gender identity and most of all reaching out for support.

Big big hugs hun.

[MaryXYX]

I looks to me like separation is now inevitable.  I'm sorry too Cynthia, but do you think you could survive much longer in the role you are supposed to play?

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today and we discussed:

The good, the bad and the ugly.

1) I came out to the new HR rep. today and she is an Ally and totally welcoming. She and her husband have gay friends, live close to the gayborhood, have work activities in and for the hood and went to Mazzoni (LGBTI family medical care) for 2 years as cis patients. This is very cool! She asked very pointed questions such as do you want to change your name, dress and get GRS. I said yes but am up in the air due to my wife will divorce me (she stated such). I do not think she understood how difficult those three questions are. She said we should talk often and she can get someone to periodically talk to at work. We had the discussion in the cafeteria! Going home I actually felt so happy and in-charge of my destiny. I love where I work. 

2) My daughter is learning anatomy at school and was pointing out feminine / masculine features in faces. She looks closely at my face and said you have a feminine face due to far head, eyelets and jaw. She then said sorry and blushed. My wife said you like that don't you and few times. Inside I was so so happy.

3) Boss joked to me about a coach bag in a private moment. I repaid it by pointing to a coach bag in public and said should I get a bag like that. He looked down at the ground. I was laughing on the inside.

Now for the ugly
4) My wife and I spoke about cloths, coming out to family and at work and GRS and name and going to group and posting on Susan's.
-Susan's 30 min per night,
- no coming out,
-no dress,
-group 2 times per year
So I did not cave and negotiated the 30 min/night for Susan's and I said I will go to group more often but not defined (have yet to go). I will come out at work but not for a while.

She is scared she is losing me and she is scared I will leave her (I reassured her I would have to be physically removed and would never leave). I just feel bad I really love her. She brought up the I lied to her again and I said yes I did and I apologized and we can get stuck there or move on.

I did not totally cave but I did not stand up for me 100%. I felt like we compromised and she got the better end. Any thoughts.

[Megumi]

She's not scared about losing you. She's afraid to face the new reality in her life. That's why she is trying to force you right back into the closet by demanding that you not do things.

[Eva Marie]

Cynthia-

Somehow I missed this thread when it first got posted. I could have written your initial post almost word for word, because my experience was the same when my bell rang.

So I skipped to the last page, and I see that you are now about at the same point that I was 6 months ago.

I'm worried about the conditions that you agreed to - you will probably find that they become untenable after awhile. I know that you agreed to them to try to save the relationship between you and your wife, but in the long term I believe that agreement will become like a ball and chain for you, and you will resent having had to agree to it. And I have doubts whether the agreement will be enough for her, or if she will increase her demands over time.

My wife wanted the fake male person she married and does not want the real me, even though that's who she's actually been married to for 26 years. Eventually a switch of hers flipped and she had had enough and in spite of my best efforts to keep things going she loaded up her car and drove away last Sunday to live with her sister that is 1/2 way across the country. It's all over between us now.

I hope that your relationship doesn't get to that point, but I think that it would be wise to prepare yourself at this point just in case it does.

[Rachel]

Thank you all for responding, hugs.

Eve, I am sorry for you loss, I know you must be hurting right now, hugs.

I now have some room and I am focusing on the now. I know that each hurdle I jump I am closer to the place I need to be and the more comfortable I become. The ageements are, in my mind, open to future discussion.

There may well be a point on breaking the relationship but that will be her doing and if it occures I am sure it will be due to my extenal feminine display and coming out.

I need to not hide who I am. I am pretty happy with hrt and the progress from therapy and I really like the person I am becoming. I need to get to support

[cynthialee]

Another thing to think about Cynthia;

When/if you transition and if your wife and you maintain your relationship you will be perceived by society as lesbians. Regardless if you two continue a romantic/sexual relationship the body language between the two of you will say 'we are a couple' to the world in general.
Society treats lesbians as second class citizens. In fact I get less troubles from the world when society sees me as a TS woman than I do when I am passing, then they see me as a lesbian and I get the second class citizen treatment. Mainly it is just scowls and rude thoughtless comments, but sometimes it can be scary.

Your wife is fighting this tooth and nail. My guess is that she will not like being a lesbian if she is not at least bisexual. Probably not? Are you a lesbian or at least bisexual? If you are a straight woman at heart then the sexual friction between you will get worse as estrogen starts its' work. Things don't work like they used too for most TS women and if your wife and you had a sex life there will likely be some major changes. If you are attracted to men it will probably get stronger when your second puberty starts.

Anyways, that is enough harsh reality checks.
Hugs

You have come so far already. I am very proud of you sis.

[JessicaH]

I haven't really been here on Susan's in a while but I just read all 16 pages of this thread in one sitting. Thanks for making me stay up until after 2AM... lol. I swear , it was like reading a book and I just wanted to read what happened next!

I can relate to a LOT of what you have written about. I swear, I blushed then laughed out loud when you talked about buying panties while trying to scope out which cashier to use, who is in front of you and hoping some redneck doesnt pull his cart in behind you.

Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts (you are braver than I am in many ways) and experiences through your journey. I know that many people will benefit from reading your story.

Hugs, Jessica

PS- I sent you an IM on Facebook.

[Rachel]

Cynthialee, I am starting to change, face, breasts, hair and fat. Also, I am experiencing desire changes much more toward male, stronger and more vivid. I was discussing with the therapist Friday about what is the biggie about being lesbian ( I do not have many filters). Why do cis hetero woman find it so revolting? She said imagine a TGirl  who is made to act male, the feelings are similar. The future is not written but feel it will be difficult. 

Jessica, I hope it helps another Trans* person. I wanted to put the whole experience on Susan's to help others. I hold back very little but I do hold back some. I do not want the thread to get moved. I was so close the end of Nov. and Dec. and the brothers and Sisters here save my life. This is the thank you.  Sorry, I have not been on FB for a while but will go there this weekend. Thanks for taking interest.

For clarity I would be considered a Red Neck by others who do not know the real me. I have a truck and my girlie subcompact. When I am with a certain group I wear flannel and have guns (my cover life I made) when I am me I wear spandex work out gear and woman's underwear and Bra. At work people are asking around if I am gay (some guys are becoming friendly, smiles, a wink or two, touching and a few hugs). My identity is changing as well as my life is changing.

I am sure I will have gains and losses. I hope to keep it together and I am trying my hardest to become me.

[KabitTarah]

Cynthialee, I am starting to change, face, breasts, hair and fat. Also, I am experiencing desire changes much more toward male, stronger and more vivid. I was discussing with the therapist Friday about what is the biggie about being lesbian ( I do not have many filters). Why do cis hetero woman find it so revolting? She said imagine a TGirl  who is made to act male, the feelings are similar. The future is not written but feel it will be difficult. 

This is very useful. It might help cis people understand what we go through... basically "how would you feel if everyone thought you were gay, but you're not?" That's how I feel every single day of my life.

[cynthialee]

I feel the same way JessicaH. Cynthia Michelle and I have a lot in common as well. Perhaps none of our stories are truly unique. That is why I am hoping for a happy ending for Cynthia Michelle, so the whole community has something to feel good about. In a way, a happy ending IS is unfolding before our eyes.

Before my transition I used to think my life story and experiences were unique. That I was the only person like myself.
But when I started to come out and transition I read a ton of transition stories from other TS women and it struck me how very common run of the mill transsexual female I actually am. At first it was a little disconcerting. So much of my self was tied up in the ways I saw myself as unique. But as time went on I started to find comfort in those commonalities. Those things that defined me as odd and different were just common traits of many TS women. It made life a little more normal. I am a normal TS woman. That is actually pretty comforting to know that I am not alone or weird.