MTF in need of help

[KabitTarah]

I've had a lot of gifts rejected by my wife since coming out. I've also had gifts that weren't rejected but weren't received with the grace normally expected from a gift (that was my mother). What's given in good faith and with good intentions isn't always received that way.

Your workplace sounds absolutely wonderful!!!

And I've been there with the anti-transgender jokes. Now I think I'd say something, but usually I would keep quiet and not potentially out myself (I'm not really caring much about outing myself lately).

[Allie]

Cynthia it sounds like things between you and your wife are really going down hill. Everytime you post I hope to see something that says she is trying to work it out. I don't think in my life I have ever seen a gift turned back, especially diamond earrings where there was love present. We don't do things like this to people we love. I must admit with everyone else that I think it's time to prepare for the worst. Sorry to say your wife is not trying to make this work out. Relationships only work by working together not apart, that must be heart wrenching. <HUG>

How is the relationshipwith your daughter? Hopefully her feelings towards you will not be poisoned by the issues in the relationship with your wife. I think for me that you should focus on the positives and best outcomes with your daughter at this point. There is an eventuality in all this, I'm don't remember if you came out to her but I am just talking about strengthening communication and your relationship regardless.

I am very excited to hear about your work. Do you know if you are the first transgender to come forward? It seems they are spending  resources and time to understand, set policy and layout benefits. All I can say is how happy I am for you, to be able to be accepted for just being you at work. Plus it seems they have benefits that will help with your transition, that is one of the biggest transition obstacles affordability. It seems I will be coming out to my job very soon. I have my fingers crossed that I am accepted like you are.

[Rachel]

Thanks for responding, hugs.

There are 14  disclosed to Benefits TG at work. I am sure there are more. I would assume we are all TS. The non-TS most likely are able to get by and are in the shadows. I will be at my 1st Diversity group meeting Monday (1.5 hours) followed by going to a bar in the Gayborhood I will not attend because I am alcohol free, but an alcoholic.

My daughter is my best friend, we are going to the gym this morning. She is cool and we will be fine, I hope.

I am my own gatekeeper. My wife does not nor will not support my changes. I will go to group soon. I thrust for welcoming and positive feedback. I will gravitate to what I need and away from negative feedback; after all I am just a human with frailties and insecurities and the need for acceptance and welcoming.

The earrings response is still unbelievable.

[Allie]

I love going to the clubs and dancing my a$$ off  , up here in CT there is a club where once a month there are maybe 70-100 sisters that attend. It is truly a great experience, acceptance and worry never cross my mind. Plus the women are beautiful!

My therapist pushed me to group early on. Since going to group I have made some good friends that I can call on at anytime. It is amazing how we all have simular problems but so different. Just like here on this board, I have found that the transgender community is the most accepting, gentle, loving bunch of people I have ever met in my life. Sometimes I consider my gender problem a curse but if not for this, I would not have met these genuine individuals.

My wife would have never turned back the ear rings, she already considers me a diva who has more shoes than here.

[Rachel]

I am going to the Diversity meeting at work Monday. This is the group that pushed for the TS health benefits. By my going I am somewhat outing myself at work. I can hide by just saying I am supporting the Diversity Group or I can contribute and become a part and participant. The group has had some impressive accomplishments.

There are two support groups I can go to. One is through Mazzoni Center ( where I have my LGBT health primary doctor and lab tests and get meds) and meets once a week and another is at William Way LGBT center in the gayborhood. I am at William Way weekly and may sink up my gender therapy on Thursdays to do both. My therapist use to work at Mazzoni and now has her practice at William Way.

I will find community to share, be and thrive. I am getting past the self hate and fear of people finding out thing and just want to be me. My therapist just recently said I was ready for support group. She said I sought out approval and acceptance when I e-mailed Mazzoni last year this time. My therapist said something that hit to the core Friday. She said I have had no approval and very little acceptance in my life and I seek out approval and acceptance. She said this is why I am on this journey. She is 100% correct.

[Rachel]

I went to a Work Diversity meeting yesterday ( LGBT division)

The EVP sponsor and a newly transferred manager into the Diversity Department were the only non-LGBT persons there. We introduced ourselves, what our title is and why we were there. The EVP and Diversity Manager mentioned they essentially were there and not LGBT.

I was super nervous and I wanted so much to disclose. I guess I semi disclosed - light

One module was to split up into three groups and work on 2014 and initiatives. During the break-out a Social Worker explained about a Trans* patient issue and the need for more information. I explained WPATH 5 and where to get the information and how it is a SOC and perfect for Health Care Providers to learn. The suggestion was not even written onto the flip chart. I stated the resource again and it was ignored. One person, the Diversity manager (not LGBT) hogged the time and did not know LGBT issues.

Later I mentioned the legislation Councilman Kenny had sponsored and got passed this summer (meds, LGBT job protections, neutral bathrooms on new construction and more). The SVP stepped in and said the office of GOVT affairs would be the contact and not to contact the councilman's office for information. 

In the cafeteria today
The asst. director of Security asked what is up with my hair 5 times and loud while in a crowded set of lines. He then said, " what you are not going to answer? Is it a mid life crisis". I then said I like long hair and he left me alone but did not like the answer.   

I had to see my boss today and while in the executive  suite waiting I was standing there and looked down at my breasts budges on my shirt. I smiled and said to myself May would be a good time to come into the open.

I looked into the mirror today at my face. I could see some real change

[FrancisAnn]

Cynthia,

Relax, chill, have some good food, get a good night's sleep, slow down, take care of yourself first.

Then & only then do what you can at your own speed on your gender change.

I've been where you are & it will take you over if you allow it.

My Love to you, Francis

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist yesterday and we discussed:

1) 1 year ago 12/12/12 I came out to myself and started to melt down. I made two high probability attempts to commit suicide, one 12/13/12 and one on 12/14/12. On the 14th I had to try help and I reached out for help on Susan's and Mazzoni. I really have made progress and I feel stable. There has been a lot of pain, growth and acceptance. Thank you, my brothers and sisters for helping me make it to this point. Overall, I am happy I chose to stick around and I am excited for the new year.

2) I received some unbelievable news from work. There are now covering some Trans* procedures  by insurance. I have a list and gave a copy to the therapist and she was blown away.  We are opening a trans clinic  in the future and are acknowledging there are Trans* employees. So she asked what I want to do and I said clean the sheet. I need to work on a plan and timing and how my change would affect my marriage.

3) What to do and how to do it, procedures, marriage (keeping it alive and well) , group, work, disclosure.

4) I never imagined I would have the work support and insurance support. I am thinking only of the good and I know there is a price to pay. We have an insurance point person at the insurance company. We chatted for a while and she asked me questions. People just do not understand what they are asking out of curiosity had profound impact to the person they are asking the questions to. She asked what it was like being young. I told her about the trauma I was subjected to when I disclosed at 5. I was there again and got emotional.  I was thinking, but did not say anything about incest or sexual abuse, banding my gonads or damaging my penis shaft to the point erections cause pain from the scar tissue. I had in my hand the list of covered procedures and my hands were cold and shaking. I did not want to sound like a nut and I had to keep it together. Still I started to tear and my voice quiver with emotion. She was asking question because she wanted to understand more about the persons she would be helping. I said a few times if you only knew what the acknowledgement and coverage means to me. My mind keeps saying what is the catch and cost and deductible and co-pay?? 

5) If I did not stick it out I never would have had this opportunity. If I did not disclose to HR and Benefits then the non advertised insurance coverage that was just approved would not have been disclosed to me.   

[cynthialee]

Watching you grow has been an honor and privilege.

hugz and luv

[Allie]

Watching you grow has been an honor and privilege.

hugz and luv

[Rachel]

Cynthialee, thank you for being there. Thank you Allie for being there too

I get 4 to 5 hours of really sound and fantastic sleep a night (HRT has given me sound sleep too). When I awake my mind does not have the daily distractions of work, science, family and daily problems; I am present with my identity. The feelings get overwhelming and I am stuck in the past in a loop of I should have done xyz. I cry and wish, then off to feed the animals, shower and then work. The past few days has been different, I think of the change to be and I am excited. Somehow, the past is a little more distant and I want to do something about it, more than therapy, HRT, growing my hair, shaving, panties and trainer bra. I have butterflies in my stomach and I feel alive.

I need to find out the costs with deductibles (which is high), and out of and in network co-pay costs. I have a feeling I will need to go slow due to costs being so high in the USA and the difference in Korea and Thailand may be small. In which case that would not be great. For example therapy is now covered 60%, which is great but surgeries here may be double Thailand and Korea so it may be cost equal.

[Allie]

Cynthialee, thank you for being there. Thank you Allie for being there too

There is no need to thank me

The strength and perseverance you have shown while facing such an almost impossible task, it has been inspirational with my transition. When I began transition, I never thought that I would get through my self-loathing and guilt. Once again I will just say what we go through is very simular albiet different.

The honesty and detail of your posts Cynthia Michelle are incredible, this really is all you!!

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today and we reviewed:

My therapist called me from the balcony 15 minutes early. I was sitting with 5 Tgirl's in their 20's just listening and enjoying the conversation. My Alison looked stressed, was shoulder heavy and had a forced smile. She was wearing a black dress and no polish or big earrings. We sat and she started. She said she had some bad news and that she was going to stop working and seeing patients the end of January and that she could see me 6 more times (including today). I was in shock; finally asking if she was ok. Then saying I hope she was getting a promotion. She said she needed to work somewhere where the had benefits, she was doing therapy for 7 years and needed to do something else. She needed to unplug.

My thoughts were I hope her spouse and her did not split. Then to perhaps she wants to go back to school and get her doctorate. Her Mom and Sister are MD's.

Needless to say I thought of her, her physical, her marital stability. Then hoped she was going to school.

I felt soooooo alone. I thanked her for her help and recounted our first phone conversation. I was a mess.

She said she has several fantastic referrals and some are trans ( she has a trans husband) and that we will review later.

She said the change may be good. I feel I have lost a lot. I feel lost. 

[cynthialee]

this is a good thing in the grand scheme
the silver lining to this cloud is that it is actually a good idea to change up therapists after you have come to the limits of where they can help you

A new therapist can help bring new perspectives and outlooks.

[Rachel]

Thanks and Hugs, Cynthialee,

I am seeing the positives. I was thinking of having  Alison list 5 referrals and rate them 1-5 for what she thinks will fit best, help me grow and get out of my shell.

Last night sucked but today seams ok. I accept the next phase and am looking forward to it. Ok, I am a bit anxious to change now. I think Tuesday when we meet again I want to work on the list and getting Alison's perspective of me, my present and future.

We will keep in touch and I had shared a pic of what I will look like in the future. When I get there I will send her a side by side.

I shared with her my deepest darkest secrets. I gave my pain a voice and she listened and witnessed,

I look forward to Tuesday and ending one chapter and beginning a new. 

[Rachel]

I went to therapy today and we discussed:

1) I did not sleep last night and had reduced (more than normal) sleep during the week. I was an little shakey, felt queasy ( not sick) and was on the verge of tears. Why, I felt alone. Like I was going to be put out with no one to help. I had fought this year for my identity, although I am only beginning my journey. I asked for help and got it. I informed the most influential persons in my life of my identity and now I am developing limits to others trespasses and expressing myself on those limit. I am not going to go backwards but how to go on.

2) Alison will provide 4 therapists contacts next  meeting for me to research. A Director of the Woman's Center and a FTM therapist. Hum, this sounds good. There will be 4 great choices and I am nervous but excited. I hope the my 1st choice will take me in.

3) Future, procedures, what and when were reviewed and well as other activities and milestones. General thoughts.

4) Went through the Patient portal at mazzoni to request an additional script to be added to my existing (Fin, AA and E) for dutasteride. I stated why.

5) I told Alison I thought of her as a friend and associated my new identity with her, intertwined. I know this is not reality but it is what occurred. I did not realize I linked the two until she said she was leaving therapy and unplugging. I was so dependent on her strength and help and now realize it all must come from me.

6) I said I am getting my ears pierced May 28, 2014, 1 year HRT birthday. I am going to group in the new year, January.

7) Funny, I guess. I messed up at the Company Christmas party. My boss went to bat for a system our Department needs and it had a flaw. He went to another of his Departments (he has 4 Departments) and made what was said to be impossible happen. He is really extraordinary and an outlier. Ok, I said to him (twice) across the room (when he explained out loud across the room what happened and what was said about me. I was criticized and untruths said about my agreement on the design, I share information and provide documentation to my boss so he knows the other team were not truthful ) I said I love you for that. He was totally surprised as well as others. What did I just say? It just came out and I kept on going like nothing happened.

[cynthialee]

Keep in there hun.

It is a good thing you are moving on to a new therapist. Go with the FTM therapist if he is a good fit. A trans* therapist will understand your personal issues better than a cis therapist ever will.

[Cindi Lane]

Hi Cynthia,

I read your entire thread last night. Thank you for sharing.
You are strong, you are evolving into the person you are supposed to be.

I wish for 2014 to be an even better year for you and all who are transitioning.

- Cindi

[Rachel]

Thanks Cynthialee and Cindi Lane, hugs

I definitely am going to pursue the FTM therapist. She uses the same techniques and follows the same philosophy as my current therapist. I think he would definitely understand trans* issues. I see my therapist Friday and I intend to call him during the session and set up an appointment. Perhaps 2 weeks from now will be our last session with Alison. I will miss William Way as it has provided me a great place to experience growing my identity. Although the Woman's Center may be even better, who knows and I am looking forward to it. 

So far this experience have been a real awakening. I realize now I value my trans* identity. I desire to align myself and can not wait.

[Cindi Lane]

Hi Cynthia,

I was very fortunate in finding an experienced therapist that had been through transition (FTM in his case).
His insight and compassion were just what I needed.
I was sad when he retired his patient practice, yet was happy that he is continuing his mentoring and training of other therapists in transgender counseling.

Hugs
-Cindi