MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

 My wife was doing a history search for a coffee website. She saw all the Susan's posts. She has read almost all the posts today. she also has my face book account and has gone through that.

I have destroyed her perception of me and I have destroyed 21 years of marriage. I took a chance on loving someone but hid who I am and my past. I guess it is time to pay for the happiness I have had for the past 22 years. She feels betrayed and in fear of the future. She also doubts herself. I love her dearly and don't want to make a choice.

She will read this.
Part of everything I do is gender dysphoric. The shower, mirrors, crowds, clothes, hair, my body, television and yes sex too. HRT has helped me greatly and enabled me to survive. Without it my dysphoria will overtake my coping ability and I would do something drastic. Just because a part of sex is dysphoric does not mean the sexual sharing, touching and closeness is anything less than earth shattering. I love you.

My wife wants me to make a choice. Transition or her. This is what I have feared and put off, the choice. She said she needs to know so she can plan her future. That is fair but something I just can't do. If I lose her I lose myself. If I don't transition I will lose myself. I just want to be numb.

[MaryXYX]

Do you think she has already made the decision to leave you?  In that case you need to take care of yourself.

[Rachel]

Hi Mary,

No she wants me to decide between full transition or her. I trust her. She can not trust me and that is because I lied to her about mostly everything about my gender and sexuality. Even when she asked me several times if I had sex with men I lied. She is not upset about the sex so much as the lies. There is not too much hidden now and after she reads the rest of my posts I will be fully exposed.

I destroyed the trust. I lied to her and hid who I am. I still am hoping she will love me for me and support a full transition but that is just a dream.

She said I am a coward because I can not express how I feel or what I have done in the past. I do feel like a coward. I am not binary and I have had a lot of negative things said and done to me so I suppressed who I am and how I feel. I know what I tell her makes her really sad and upset but I will be truthful with her going forward. I owe her that.

My wife said she probably will not be able to have sex with me because I see myself as a female and her as a male when we have sex. I tried to explain this is how I see sex ever since I first masturbated and to this day. She does not understand this is one of my coping mechanisms.   

I am so tired I just want to sleep. My head hurts even after Motrin.

She said your loving mother named you XXX and you want to change it. I do not want to sleep for fear of seeing my Mom and Dad in my dreams gain. I have only dreamt of them twice and both times they were not happy I am transitioning. I took care of them and when they died I was relieved they were out of pain.  I have only dreamt of them twice and both times they expressed displeasure in my transitioning and expressed how was I going to take care of my wife and daughter.

When I look back at myself at different ages I kept telling myself I will be true to you and they look at me in disbelief. I have let everyone down, even myself.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today and I discussed what has been going on in the past week.

She asked if I left Susan's open on purpose. I said my wife did a history search and opened up Susan's. Then read every post I made.

She said how do I feel about it. I said I destroyed my marriage and hurt the ones I love. I am ashamed of myself I feel like a freak, a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I hurt my wife and she did not deserve that and I feel horrible. My therapist said how do you feel that your deepest secrets are out. I said it is like when my mom and dad died. I was terribly sad they died but relieved they were out of their pain. Something I could not have ever told my wife and hid is now in the open. It is the essence of myself and most everyone can not accept it but it is out. I feel hollow but I am not hiding. I have never felt this way, I am completely exposed. I could not drive the situation and I have no control. There is no way to spin this and it is my hidden self exposed. I feel lost.

My therapist said this is really a lot, like everything fast forward all at once. I said my wife gave me two choices no procedures or divorce. She said she could get over the sex with men but not the lies. She had asked me if I had had sex with guys 2 years ago when I came out and I said no. She said she could never have sex with me until we sort out everything. Also, my wife said that no one ever loved her for herself but she thought I did but that now it is destroyed. That hurt and I hurt her and I feel so bad.

I said there are more choices. I want so badly to get numb. If I lose my family I will have nothing and I will be lost.  I reassured her I would not drink or hurt myself. I told my therapist that drinking and stopping the pain is my mind a lot. 

[MaryXYX]

I lost almost all of my family, my church - which was when I found all of my so called "friends" were in that church - and eventually my home.  However it did set me free to make the decision I was only vaguely considering at that time.  I found a new home, new friends, and a church that really believes "we are all made in the image of God".  Not just cis hetero white males.  It's very hard at first but being true to yourself is so worth it.

[Rachel]

Hi Mary,

My wife wants me to schedule an appointment with a FFS and GRS surgeon, get details and make a decision. She wants to know if I decide not to proceed or if I want to proceed. She does not want to be in limbo. If I choose to proceed she wants a divorce. If I choose to not proceed then we can stay together.

I would never leave her. I loved her and she is my soul mate. When I meet her I was 327 pounds and an alcoholic in a dive bar with holes in my shirt (Now I weigh 210 pounds and I am alcohol, drug and smoke free and I eat healthy). I found someone I felt comfortable with and wanted to be with. She is my friend and lover. I shared much of my life with her except I had secrets. She read all my secrets here and now I have a chance at being honest for the 1st time in my life. If I choose to proceed she will leave me.

I don't understand why God did not answer my prayers why he mad me the way I am. Where I work there are children that are very sick and I just don't understand why God would allow this. I was raised RC and went to Catholic grade school and a Catholic high school. I was so hurt by the experience I sent my daughter to public school and she was raised with no religion. I had so much guilt about what happened to me when I was small and so much guilt about how I felt about my gender and sexuality and the guilt was reinforced by priests, teachers and students. 

I don't want to lose my wife and child and I don't want to lose myself. This is all too much too soon and I am not prepared. I just want to stop the pain in my head and the never ending dysphoria. I don't know if I am strong enough either way I choose. I wish I believed in god or something to help me through this.

[DuckyAlexis]

way i see it, that's huge emotional blackmail.  If she is willing to use any means as such to control you, your decision, and your future, is it really a mutual love? Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. I can understand this is not something she wants, but in my eyes, if she truly loves you, she'd want you to be happy, even if it meant the end of the relationship, not try to force you to go back in the closet for her to have what she wants and you to be miserable

[Rachel]

Hi Alexis,

My wife has some very valid points. I completely hid my past with guys and my sexuality and how I cope having relations with her ( I have been doing the coping since I was 11 and first masturbated). She is Cis Hetero. and I am transsexual bi leaning to guys. This I hid and lied about 100%.

My wife does not want people to judge or associate her and my daughter with a trans-woman. She does not want people to talk behind her back and she does not want peoples pity. She is clear and to the point. Stay looking like a guy or if you have procedures we divorce.  I will not leave and I love her and my daughter. They are my best friends and I would be lost without them. I do not think my wife could be by herself and I worry about her under normal situations. Also, if I delay in my decision she said she will leave. I have intake and HIPPA forms made up for the Papillon Center but I have an electrolysis appointment tomorrow and have not shaved since Friday and the intake forms want me to include a recent picture. I will need to shave before I take a pic, no way will I take a pic with whiskers for an intake form. Next appointment I will make on a Saturday or Sunday.

My wife is very hurt that I am not attracted to her sexually. I just am not sexually attracted to females. I can cope and be with a woman with ED medicine and frame of reference. There are so many more things that I value so much in our relationship. I do love the closeness and tenderness during sex and orgasm is wonderful. I just am not running after her wanting sexual pleasure.

I hoped when in the future I told her I wanted procedure she would support me and be there for me. When she read every Susan's post I ever made on Susan's on New Years day it was a shock to her and it destroyed her image of me in excruciating detail. I did not stand up and tell her how I felt and am. It has been 2 decades and I have no excuse. I am a coward, as she says.  So going forward I will be honest with her and proceed as fast as possible to give her an answer.

My wife does not understand what it is like being trans. I have an opportunity to get much of the procedures paid for by work and insurance with the exception of tummy work and FFS.   I just want to be me. I have a chance to be me finally and If I let it slip past I do not think I can take it. I do not know if I can take being a trans-woman. Even with FFS I will not pass. Being trans consumes my thoughts and dreams and how I cope with life.

My wife says I have a choice between her and my daughter and procedures. I agree I have a choice. I am drowning and I have a choice to take a life rope or sink. I understand she cannot stand being associated with a trans woman but that is what I am hiding or not with procedures or not. This is extremely stressful for her and me and I see her point and I know her needs, she expressed them. I do not think it is black mail but her drowning and choosing to take a life rope. 

[ImagineKate]

I have a lot of similarities to you, except that I haven't gone that far along with HRT as you have before coming out to her.

About your wife and the choice - I think she's made up her mind, but wants to blame you for the divorce.

My wife is also cis hetero and the more I look femme she doesn't even want to kiss me anymore sometimes. However she doesn't want me to sleep in a separate bed (?) maybe she feels guilty? I feel we are well on the road to splitsville but the question is when.

The other stuff - she only thinks you're transitioned once you get GRS and FFS, huh? Yeah that's so typical.

Why is she even dragging your daughter into this?

[Rachel]

Hi Kate,

Christmas eve and New Years day were extremely difficult for the family.

My daughter said I would be dead to her if I have procedures or express.

I think my wife could live with me if I did not have procedures or express. I just do not know if I can live with that. I want to be me.

I trust my wife and she said she can not be with me if I have procedures. She said I will look trans and that she can not take that. She also said she is not lesbian and can not be with a woman. I do not want to separate or divorce. I just do not know if I can live in hiding.

My wife knew the day I went on HRT. I was having a difficult time sitting down and telling her but then CVS Pharmacy called and that helped me to tell her. I really am a coward about discussing trans issues with her.

[Rachel]

First electrolysis session. It was mixed galvanic and thermolysis. It did hurt but it was bearable. She said my hair comes out easy and was doing 12 second cycles.

[ImagineKate]

Hi Kate,

Christmas eve and New Years day were extremely difficult for the family.

My daughter said I would be dead to her if I have procedures or express.

I think my wife could live with me if I did not have procedures or express. I just do not know if I can live with that. I want to be me.

I trust my wife and she said she can not be with me if I have procedures. She said I will look trans and that she can not take that. She also said she is not lesbian and can not be with a woman. I do not want to separate or divorce. I just do not know if I can live in hiding.

My wife knew the day I went on HRT. I was having a difficult time sitting down and telling her but then CVS Pharmacy called and that helped me to tell her. I really am a coward about discussing trans issues with her.

I'm sorry your daughter feels that way Cynthia.

I have also heard some of the same things your wife has said from mine.

I hope and I pray that it works out for you.

[ImagineKate]

First electrolysis session. It was mixed galvanic and thermolysis. It did hurt but it was bearable. She said my hair comes out easy and was doing 12 second cycles.

How is the pain? I do thermolysis and it feels like a pinch.

[cynthialee]

For the wife of Cynthia Michelle,
Hi. I am not only transgender, I am married to a transgender person. We met and married pre-transition and there have been allot of changes in our relationship since we transitioned.
Now you would think as a transsexual I would be 100% on board when my spouse told me shortly after I started they were going to also transition.
But that is not the truth.

Since my spouse transitioned I have seen them become the best possible version of themselves that they could be. Sevan went from barely functional and suicidal to a highly function person that I am so very proud of.
I have seen Sevan go from afraid to live to a person who is so full of life and wisdom.
When we married I remember the vows "in sickness and health". I plan to stick to those vows. Sevan no longer being a woman was a bit of an adjustment, but who am I to say to the person I love most 'no, you can not be happy and well adjusted'?

[Rachel]

Kate, the pain is totally manageable and after a bit the area gets numb. So it is manageable.

I think the response for a lot of people who are married is similar. How they process the information and see life make a lot of difference in rejecting, tolerating, accepting or welcoming.

Cynthialee, thank you very much for sharing your personal experiance.

My wife reads all my posts now (and all the replies) and we discuss them. She has been through a lot and she is still with me. I lied to her about being Bi and having sex with guys. I disclosed, through posts, how I compensate for my dysphoria. She knows about my desires and she is still there for me. She mentioned a HIV test and I reassured her I have been faithful. If she still wants one done I will stop by the HIV test center in the gayborhood Thursday. I assured her I will not stray ( I do not think I will be fit to be with someone if she left).

The past 10 days has been very difficult on her and I worry about her normally but now more so. I don't want to tell her something now to do something else later. I do not want my coping mechanisms to get overwhelmed and do something stupid. I want to be honest and I want to find out more about procedures. I feel rushed to give an answer and all I just have are questions right now. I wish I was not trans or Bi and I wish I had the backbone to be myself. While I am at it, I wish I never screwed her life up. I am trans and bi and I am gaining in agency perhaps too little too late.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday.

Therapist
I went over again what happened NY day. I was able to process what happened but I still feel bad about hiding who I am to my wife but I feel relieved it is out. I was so ashamed of who I am but she was not upset I was with guys. She was upset I lied about being with guys.

I sent in the intake forms for Dr. McGinn and we discussed the process and what to expect. I told her if I have procedures my wife will leave me. If I delay with an answer as to will I have procedures my wife will leave me.  If I do nothing I probably would not be able to take it.  She asked me what I want to do and I said I want to transition but not if my face looks male. II need to see the surgeon and find out how I would look.

Trainer
She kicked my butt.
She asked how my NY went. I told her and we discussed it as I worked out. She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I sent in an intake form to Dr. McGinn and why. Also, that I needed to know what I could look like. If I look like a guy or if I could look feminine but don't proceed I do not think I could process it. I told her about having a boyfriend and going to gay bars when I was young. She knows I am an alcoholic and drug user, recovering. I told her about physical and sexual abuse when I was young. I explained why going to the gym is so important to me. She was understanding and being a trainer at an LGBT gym she knows a lot of people who were exposed to what I was exposed to. She said I need to be myself. Going to the gym is helping me feel good (endorphins) and feel good about myself and not hiding who I am and getting out and having new experiences that are healthy.

Group
We had a good group with lots a sharing.

[Rachel]

I have a scheduled consult with Dr. McGinn February 23, 2015. My wife will be with me.

My wife wants to know what I will do so she can decide to leave or stay. She does not trust me to not spin the information.

This is a lot to have on my mind. I just want to get numb. I know I need to face my fear but this is a lot.

For the consult I need to send them a letter covering their required points from my therapist and a check for $150. The doctor is located 30 minutes from where I live.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist Monday (she is off Thursday)

We discussed the scheduled appointment with Dr. McGlinn and the points that need to be covered in the letter.

I am really having difficulty processing everything and it is a difficult time emotionally. There is a lot of pressure and I do not want to do something stupid to push out the continuous noise. She asked me what I wanted to do again and I have had no change. It has always been the same. I discussed some specific questions I have with procedures that I will ask. I need to make a list. The appointment is 2/23 and I am stressing about it now. I need to schedule procedures and make down payments at the consult, I think.

We discussed how the appointment will proceed and what to expect. I need to get the words out and I feel so ashamed of myself for being trans. I know the doc is trans but I feel that this is my fault. I know better but this is how I feel.

Today


I get hit with a heavy dose of dysphoria when I go to the cafeteria to pick up lunch ( I eat in my office area). I try to get there 10 minutes  to noon but today a meeting was late and I got there at 12:15 and it was packed. I work in a hospital and it is 90% female. So the cafeteria became packed with a lot of females and that is tough. There are a lot of tall woman at work and several taller than me. There were two females in the caf today taller than me. So the whole time I am there I am thinking can I do this? Can I alter my exterior and do it well? Funny thing is no one noticed me. It is like I am invisible. I guess most people there do not get noticed. If I change my exterior people will look and notice. That along concerns me. I really like being invisible.

I had a very emotional time going home today. I got so upset I started to gag but I held everything in. This is a lot to handle and I am not doing well under the weight. I thought I could take it and more but this is different, it is at my core. I love who I am inside and really hate my outside and I feel guilty and ashamed for wanting to correct myself and being this way.

I am on the last day of my IM cycle and I hope after tomorrow my outlook improve.

[Rachel]

I went to the gym and group tonight.

My trainer kicked my butt tonight. However, I feel so good right now from the exercise. It is definitely a great thing for mood and the feeling of well being. We discussed my upcoming appointment with Dr. McGlinn and that my wife will be going with me and why. She is very supportive and gets the "self growing from a long time of repression" issue. How do you put a growing self into a box?

Group was small but very good. A few more girls started hormones. We went over our PTHC (Philly Trans health conference)submission. We want to present at the conference This is very empowering and feels great for a lot of reason.

[Rachel]

Being honest with someone you love is so hard. They want you to be honest and it is so much easier to hide and lie.

When asked  how I feel about my sexual attractiveness to my wife I said I love being with you, the closeness, the tenderness and having sex is wonderful. Then there is a statement, you do not desire me right. I try to express being with her is wonderful. I do not desire females for sex but when I am with my wife I love the closeness and tenderness and having sex. I love her so much but this is too much.

I am really tired of hurting her, tired of being trans and tired of being honest. There is no way to control or spin this or make it better. I love being with her but I do not think she feels the same about me anymore.