MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Thank you Jen and Mary.

I had to go to Cincinatti Wed-Friday for work. I am in the airport now waiting for my flight home. My wife read Susan's and about coming out at work 9/1, wanting to change my name and top of my head FFS. She asked if she should contact a lawyer or mediator. I need to be myself and I want her and my daughter in my life. There is a lot of stress.

I went to the Gym Monday. my trainer worked me hard. Later that night I injected and the next day I had no muscle soreness.

I went to my therapist Tuesday. I explained I am under a lot of stress. I told her I would not do anything but is is on my mind. It would be much easier. I have been having dreams I have had all my life since i was young. We were at a warerfall at a park and a guy drowned. We were there as they got him out. He got caught up in the waterfall wirlpool. I have dreampt swimming at the waterfall and getting sucked up in the under current.

I told her I realy need upper face FFS then get my hair fixed. I stress over this a lot. I would love to get my mandable and upper lip fixed to but the cost is high. I talked about how I look at the people at work and wonder what they will say and how they will treat me.

I was in Ohio so I could not go group.

I rescheduled my electrolysis and cancelled my PTHC workshop so I could go with my wife to Reading to visit her father Saturday. She needs me and she wants to go Saturday and not Sunday.


I have a lot of vacation time and I need to go someplace to vegg. I would like to go someplace and just think.

Oh well the weekend approaches

[Rachel]

I have to address leadership at work Tuesday, about 300 people. I am still making the presentation and will be practicing it tomorrow and Thursday on stage. The difference between this time and last time is I am going with a zen presentation approach and some of leadership including the president know I am trans.

Well the cat is out of the bag at work so that will be interesting going forward. I told the person who informed me that it was the purpose of telling 30 or so people. Although, I can not tell additional people at work till 9/1/15.

Any suggestions when I am asked if I am trans ( I am under orders not to say anything about being trans till 9/1 to any additional people)?

[MaryXYX]

Any suggestions when I am asked if I am trans ( I am under orders not to say anything about being trans till 9/1 to any additional people)?

You could try something like "That is not polite."

[katrinaw]

Hi Cynthia, Hmm, how about; "not currently, why do you ask?" Or; "don't believe what people say, damn rumour mongers" or; "who's been saying that?" Looking angry...

Seriously thats tough, especially with a gag notice... Sorry if my comments sound flippant, but really don't know, I'll use one of them when I get to that point... Unless of course better ones turn up?..

L Katy 

[Rachel]

Thank you Mary and Katy.

I went to the therapist, Gym, group and PTHC workshop planning meeting.

Therapist
A lot is happening. When I was away last week my wife read the post about me coming out at work, changing my name, expressing and having face FFS. She texted me should I contact a divorce lawyer or a divorce mediator? She also texted you know my line and if you go over it what will happen. 

It took me many years to start breaking down the walls I built up now I see freedom and there are fences put in front of me.

We reviewed an incident at home when I lashed out. I was banned from being there when my daughter and her friends had their prom pictures taken because of my long hair. I then went and let out all the things that I have that are restrictions. I just had enough. My therapist reviewed how I could have handled each issue and dealt with it instead of letting a bucket of stuff pile up.

I expressed I really need forehead FFS then my hair corrected and that somehow I need to get it done. I had spoken with the hair restoration person recommended by Dr. McGinn and I was told if A-Cell is used in the incision I would have skin and not scar tissue in the forehead incision.

Trainer
She had me stretching so my heals touch the floor when I squat. That was a very painful 30 minutes. Then I did squats then leg lifts to exhaustion. She wants me to run every 2 out of three telephone poles. I ran early this morning

Group
Group was packed.  I did not share at this meeting or last. I feel uncomfortable with the all the new people in group.
I was invited to go to another group meeting after this one, I declined again. I would like to go.

PTHC workshop meeting
We made a lot of progress and it was a great meeting. We have homework. I have to get suicide hotline info and make a power point with specific information on it.

[Mariah]

Hugs. I know it's not easy when your ready to move forward and other forces around you seem content on holding you back a bit. I hope everything works out the way you would like it too.
Mariah

[Obfuskatie]

Hey Cynthia,

Whenever I'm feeling like I'm not making enough progress fast enough, I try to be proactive by researching trans issues or writing. Even if you never show anyone, writing can be a very effective kind of therapy. Try to stay positive, and think of Dory from Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming."

I doubt anyone will ask you directly if you are trans, but if someone asks you a question that makes you uncomfortable, say, "I'm not comfortable answering that." If they persist, direct them to whomever you spoke to at Human Resources.

I don't know if they have all the pertinent laws and statutes for PA at the Transgender Law Center, since the TLC is located in California, but they are a great resource. You might want to familiarize yourself with your states laws around the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. And the HR at your company may want you to have a definitive plan for your transition coming 9/1. Not that you should feel pressured or cajoled into going faster than your comfortable, but be sure to have all your ducks in a row as it were.

Depending on what you want, you may want to assure your wife that you're going to be the same person, just with different clothes. S.O.s of transpeople often assume that their transitioning partner is intending to leave them. The assumption is that you're going to want to date men, because we're all conditioned to think in heteronormative terms. She may not understand that gender and sexual orientation are separate things. And lastly, her orientation will remain the same, although not all people are strictly heterosexual, she may lose attraction for you. Mediation is a great way to work through these difficult talking points without hurting feelings or burning bridges.

Good luck, and take time to enjoy the journey. If you spend too long focusing on the end, you're going to miss all the good stuff along the way.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[iKate]

Any suggestions when I am asked if I am trans ( I am under orders not to say anything about being trans till 9/1 to any additional people)?

Do people even do that?

I get asked at work about my hair and people tell me I look different but they never come outright and ask. My response is that I don't want to talk about my personal situation or my appearance thank you. If they press (they don't) it can go to HR. Period end of story.

[Rachel]

Thank you Mariah, Obfuskatie and Ikate.

I was recommended to the Mazzoni's Law center at group by one of the social workers because of the four or so things my boss said in the meeting. HR was there and silent. The purpose would be to start a file. We have a Company anti discrimination policy which states trans specifically also as part of the pillars of leadership at my company trans is specifically mentioned, which is used for demonstrating leadership and welcoming. Also, we have a 100 score from HRC.

My wife's initial statement when I came out to her was I was going to leave her for a guy.

I will try to enjoy the things along the way, thanks, you are right.

it is interesting that the person went to a coworker friend of mine and not me ( the person is very liberal and supportive of LGBT). I know him well. She does not like or socialize with him. He had to know it would get back to me.

[Rachel]

Last week I went to therapy, gym, group and PTHC workshop meeting.

Therapy
I have had suicidal ideation most of my life (11 years old). I went over some recent thoughts and actions. I went over how I wanted to drink recently to escape. I went over how I want to sell most of my hobby off. I just have no interest in it anymore. The hobby had to do with obtaining perceived safety from others.

I told my therapist I really want my forehead corrected then my hair and that my wife is against it and will divorce me if I have any FFS.

Gym
My trainer had me do stretching and I have a pic on my phone of the stretches I need to do routinely. My trainer said I need to toughen up. She said the girls that come to her do so for a reason and I need to toughen up. I had expressed I took a day off from running because my knees hurt. She said to use an ice pack.

Group
I did share this week what happened at work recently. I had time to process and I am fine with what happened. I guess up till that point I was in control and now I am not.

PTHC workshop meeting
The meeting went extremely well. The skillsets in the group are fantastic and I am confident it will go well. We are almost ready.

My wife and I had our 22 wedding anniversary last week. There was some stress and emotions.

[DuckyAlexis]

the emotional blackmail going on at home seems somewhat abusive to me.  When someone tells someone they supposedly love and care about "do this and i will divorce you, do that and i will divorce you" and uses that threat constantly to get their way no matter what, that's abusive.  I get that she isn't happy with the situation, but at this point it seems she cares more about her comfort and the lifestyle she is accustomed to than your well being.   Seems she would rather you be miserable(or end up committing suicide) than lose the comfort she is used to. That's >-bleeped-<ed up.  If she can't accept who you are, then maybe the relationship should be ended now and be done with it, not keep using your love and caring as a weapon to get her way.  I understand transition is very hard on partners, and lot of relationships don't survive transition, but at some point one has to either at least make an attempt to be accepting and supportive, or end the relationsip.

-Alyssa

[Rachel]

Thank you Alyssa.

Some context of the current issues we are dealing with. We both want the relationship to work and my wife is grieving the loss of husband and cursing my female identity. Yet she is accommodating some things and she just recently helped me pick out two outfits for the PTHC. She has agreed for me to have my hair transplanted, a trachea shave (Dr. McGinn said I did not need it as well as my PA) and an orchi. I need my forehead corrected and forehead lowered and correct positioning of my eye brows and I want to see Dr. Spiegel for a second opinion. I mentioned this to her recently.

My wife and I are dealing with her father in long term care and going into hospice for cancer pain management. I promised her I would wear a suit for the funeral. She has a lot on her plate and she needs me.

I went to the Therapist, gym, group and a PTHC workshop meeting this week.

Therapist
I did a phone session with my therapist. I discussed my wife helping me pick out two outfits for the PTHC . She  said I am on my own to find woman's size 15 flats. Long tall sally has some. I had in my mind a limit on how feminine I would ever present and flats and pink very feminine tops were on the I will not cross line. Well I am crossing the self imposed limit. It feels good, not to wear the cloths but for some reason it is a feeling of freedom. 

I discussed I get invited to a lot of things such as going out for shots (I can not even think this or be around alcohol), going to another group, a pool party and one girls house and coffee with a bunch of girls after group. I keep saying no. I would not mind going to the other group though. I just can not get coffee afterwards and I probably could only stay for 1 hour of the second group (I get up 3:15 for work).

Gym
My trainer moved me up another step and introduced all new core exercises. I was stressed to the limit She had sent me Lauren Grace's interview and music to listen to. My trainer is very empowering.

I reviewed with my trainer that some guy was hitting on me in the locker room. He started talking to me as I was getting changed. I was nice to him until the voice in my head said oh poop he is hitting on me. Then I was cool to cold to him and just got changed and left to work out. She said always listen to the little voice in my head. 

Group
Group was packed with no seats left. We had a fantastic group and we really helped each other. We discussed  patriarchal issues, diversity issues, the trans rift in the Philly trans community and being treated differently by males at work and in the community when we disclose or express.

Workshop
We will have a fantastic workshop for the PTHC. We are about done with all the preparation

[Obfuskatie]

One thing that might help, instead of focusing on the list of things you want done with anyone close to you, give them time to adjust to each step. Instead of it being a divisive thing that you are doing alone for yourself, the surgeries could be opportunities to increase your closeness with your support system. Try not to overwhelm them with all of your plans at once.
Let your wife know you have a plan that doesn't include leaving her. Keep promises and commitments whenever possible, as that helps maintain assurances of your credibility. I know it's hard, but if you can find someway to express and show how much happier you are as a transwoman, that may help as well, for both your own acceptance of your transition and others around you. Lead by example when you can, open minded people will tend to follow your own example.
Women wear suits too [emoji6] you can always wear one tailored to fit you. You shouldn't have to dress in ill fitting uncomfortable clothes.

     Hugs,
- Katie
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[Dodie]

Cynthia,
As you know.. my transition was not smooth.. My wife.. now ex upfront said if I transition we will divorce.. and we did.. but also as you know we are as close as before transition but in a different way.
Nothing but a grave was going to keep me from being me.
I know you are working with her.. but sounds like she is kind of like my wife..
My wife said she likes men just plain and simple!
So I chose life over death and did it... it was no fun thats for sure. 
So, I suppose I should also say, there is no cure for us except transition.. I wish there was..
Not transitioning for some is just learning to deal with it long term.. for others the bell goes off and its over.. like me!
I suppose what I am beating around the bush about.. and I have to say it.. or I would not be a friend.. is that you may have to let her go.. as a wife but try to show her you still love her and you can be friends.. also she will want to know you will take care of her.. the scary part for them is insecurity.. and I sure cant blame them for that..
Dodie.. AKA Keri

[Obfuskatie]

Cynthia,
As you know.. my transition was not smooth.. My wife.. now ex upfront said if I transition we will divorce.. and we did.. but also as you know we are as close as before transition but in a different way.
Nothing but a grave was going to keep me from being me.
I know you are working with her.. but sounds like she is kind of like my wife..
My wife said she likes men just plain and simple!
So I chose life over death and did it... it was no fun thats for sure. 
So, I suppose I should also say, there is no cure for us except transition.. I wish there was..
Not transitioning for some is just learning to deal with it long term.. for others the bell goes off and its over.. like me!
I suppose what I am beating around the bush about.. and I have to say it.. or I would not be a friend.. is that you may have to let her go.. as a wife but try to show her you still love her and you can be friends.. also she will want to know you will take care of her.. the scary part for them is insecurity.. and I sure cant blame them for that..
Dodie.. AKA Keri

There's nothing wrong with being trans. It takes time to adjust and the trans people wrestle with it all their life before "coming out." It may take other people time to adjust as well, sometimes requiring an endless amount of patience on your part. But other people usually won't take as long as the 29 years it took me to accept my being trans. I wouldn't want a "cure." I'd rather transition and just be me. One of the reasons reparative therapy is so damaging is because it's based around the belief that there is something wrong with being gay or trans; something that theoretically could be cured.

     Hugs,
- Katie
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[Dodie]

There's nothing wrong with being trans. It takes time to adjust and the trans people wrestle with it all their life before "coming out." It may take other people time to adjust as well, sometimes requiring an endless amount of patience on your part. But other people usually won't take as long as the 29 years it took me to accept my being trans. I wouldn't want a "cure." I'd rather transition and just be me. One of the reasons reparative therapy is so damaging is because it's based around the belief that there is something wrong with being gay or trans; something that theoretically could be cured.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Amen to that sister... I just love being me.. its so awesome to not want to be someone else.. for the first time in my life.. The journey does have light at the end of the tunnel.. Even on a bad day I would rather be a woman.. yea!!!
Its like being a kid.. sort of.. experiencing things for the first time..  Like being called a bitch.. yea!! or being called a crazy bitch  ..yea.. both have happened to me..yea!!  Most of all I love the small things.. and there are too many to mention.
Cynthia I just wish you peace on your journey.. you deserve it.
Dodie
Dodie

[Rachel]

Thank you Katie and Dodie, both of you have a very good perspective and recommendations.

I really need my forehead corrected and then hair corrected. I will need to somehow get it done. When I look in the mirror my face really bothers me and a good amount of the issue is my upper face and hair.

My wife and I are not intimate anymore but I love her and want to maintain our marriage. We are more than friends. I don't know what I would do if I lost my family. 
________________________________________________________________________

Today marks 2 years HRT.

I went to my therapist, gym and group.

Therapist
I went over the continuous micro aggressions I get at home. My therapist said only your wife and daughter can change that and they are angry and hurt and they are taking it out on you.  I said I am getting really tired of it and she said I need to have a talk and express how I feel.

I went over how I was walking in our new high rise building and I was walking and there was a wall of mirrors floor to ceiling. I hate my reflection and it took me by surprise. I would have avoided the area if I remembered it was there.

I went over that I ordered two more outfits  for the PTHC conference. These are my taste. My therapist said I am new to transition and have the same issues a your girl would have about body image and that I should express how I feel comfortable. The other girls at the workshop will be wearing dresses and I just do not feel comfortable in a dress.

Gym

I have been running and my knee is bothering me. My trainer watched how I run and I will try a different way and see how that works.

Group

Group was packed again with no chairs empty. Group was fantastic and we really shared and connected.

Mazzoni Walgreens will only have 20 mg/ml delestrogen till next year. The 40 mg/ml is on backorder. I will need to inject with twice the volume and I am really apprehensive. Time will tell if my apprehension is unfounded.


 

[Rachel]

My Father-in-Law died today; he was 85. He had prostate cancer 15 years ago and we all thought it was cured. What we found out is that it can go into remission but you are never cured. When it comes back it comes with a vengeance. Odd how he had routine follow-ups periodically and everything was good or so he would say. He had a full life and he is better off now than he was yesterday. Sad still the same. Looking at pictures is very emotional.

I am again reminded that we all have only so much time. I have been reminded many times the lesson, life is precious.

I will be wearing a suit for the wake and funeral and a fair amount of gel in my hair. I made this promise to my wife a while ago.

[Mariah]

So sorry for your loss. I think that is one thing people forget about cancer is your not cured and just in remission because it can come back anytime and generally stronger the next time around. Hugs
Mariah

[Obfuskatie]

My condolences, I wish you and your family the best in your grief.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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