MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Thank you Jen, your comment is very appropriate to my situation. Also, your footnote hits home too. As scary as it is coming out at work everyone to date I have told ( 70 or so) have been supportive or said it did not matter. Only 13,930 more people to go

Jayne1, thank you for your support. You mentioned you are far behind everyone else. Transition is a personal journey and no two transitions are the same. You get to explore who you are and what you need to do.

For me, my journey, I am starting to realize is about self acceptance and forgiving myself. Also, about living my life as myself. Although this sounds easy it has been my biggest challenge.

I went to a marriage counselor recently and I thought her advise was very rash and rude. I have reflected on what she has said and I have to admit she is so very right. She told me to come to her the next week and tell her I am transgender and I want to do ...... . Thus informing my wife what the future holds.

The further I go the better I feel. Not in informing someone of what I want to do but to resolve and define who I am. I am who I am and denying who I am causes me to twist and be turn.

I wish you luck in your journey and quick access to a gender therapist. You may want to go to Psychology Today and look up gender Therapists in your area.

[Jayne01]

Hi Cynthia,

Forgot to mention I'm from Sydney, Australia. Doesn't seem to be much in the way of support here. However, the therapist I'm waiting to see I'm told is very good. I just need to be patient. The therapist I am seeing is good. He goes and finds new information between sessions. He tries to teach himself about trans issues so that he can better help me. It is helping until my turn comes up with the gender therapist.

Also this forum is great. So many people who understand fully what other people go through and everybody wants to help. Without the internet and websites such as Susan's, I would definitely be completely miserable thinking there is something truly wrong with me and feel like the only person in the world with this problem.

Jayne

[marvelous91]

Hi Cynthia, I'm Ari.  I just wanted to say that I read your original post on this thread from back in 2013, and it honestly made me feel a lot better about some problems I've been having lately.  What stood out to me was the part at the end of your post where you talked about the differences between your male and female self, and how you attributed your female self to the reason you have been successful.  I have honestly been wrestling with this idea myself for over a month straight, and it's taken up a lot of my time. 

With myself I have also been realizing that my male self tends to be built around the same negative emotions you describe in your post, and I feel sometimes like my male self is based around nothing except societies expectations of me.  On the other side, every step I've taken toward discovering my female self has been a very positive and uplifting experience, and in my case it has allowed me to grow even closer with my girlfriend since I am acting more true to myself.  Your post made me realize that Ari has been an integral part of me for a long time, and that giving up parts of my male self will be nothing more than shedding negativity. 

I would like to say thank you Cynthia, your first post on this thread helped me a lot today and I needed it.  I'm sorry if this comes off as odd, but I just felt I needed to share this.

-Ari

[Dodie]

Cynthia,
Your posts seem to be helping a lot of people... girl.. helped me too....
I like what your therapist said.. One thing I did was make it clear to my wife I was going to be a woman period and the one thing she made clear to me is that she wants a man..  We cleared that up early.. but I lived in denial thinking since she loved me so much she would come around and want to stay married and just be buddies..
In the end I like men and she does too.. she has a boyfriend I love to death and we are now living together as friends until she gets re married.  Life is funny that way..
But you know the hell we went through to get here.. dust settles and it is what it is.
It's interesting what one of your posters said about the male self vs female self.. was true for me too.. all those years performing as a dude.. wishing I was myself.. made me hate men that were lazy..  I was like if I can do this as me whats your problem dude..
Anyway, I have pretty much become totally female now... a little guy is left but not much..  Its hard sometimes even though I consider myself cured. I could bring myself to tears in seconds if I think about Doug..or something he used to do with Sandi.. I can break my own heart if I go there.. 
Keri

[Rachel]

Jayne01, I think Ms Grace is from Sydney and may be able to point you in the direction of local support. Also, Cindy may be able to provide direction on local support. There is noting wrong with you, it is how you were when born and there are a lot of us.

Marvelous91, your post is not odd and I am glad posting of my struggles (which helps me a lot) has helped you.

Keri, thank you for sharing. I too hope my wife loves me enough to support me but that is wishful thinking, I think.

Thursday I say my therapist, trainer and went to group. Friday I had my 1st meeting with a HR transition team.

Therapist,
I was stressed when I meet with my therapist ( I had difficulty making eye contact). I am afraid of the future. I went over that Friday I meet with the HR transition team. Also, I called HUP for a karyotype test ( I got the order Friday). I explained I am apprehensive I am scared about the meeting 8/31 with my PA-C about medication for depression. She asked about how I was doing with suicidal thoughts. I went into details and she recommended I re-read 101 reason's not to kill yourself. She tried to give me a perspective about the struggle and what it will be like when it is over. She went over how it is normal to be scared about transition. I explained when HR told me how much support I have at work that a few days after on my way home pure hatred came out. I feel I have completely hid who I am and caused myself so much pain and I am afraid for no reason. It is all in my head and not real. There was a lot of self hate that came up.

Transition team
We went over a lot. I explained I have very bad dysphoria about my body and not about my name, bathrooms, clothing or some other things. I explained I am out to 70 or so people and they want to assemble a team from them for support. I explained pretty much what I wrote above with my therapist ( I wanted them to know this is not a game and what is at stake). I explained I will not come out in September and why. They shared that the CEO/COO just worked with another person in leadership that just transitioned on the job. They will put me in contact with that person. They explained the CEO/COO was very supportive when she was told and she said she suspected such. They also explained I need to come out to a Senor Director next week because I will have several in his department on the team. They  said he is an ally. We will meet again in the coming weeks. I have some homework between now and then.

[Batmanlovr]

I can understand I came out to myself first admitted at the age of 28 that I was a trans man, it was a long ass road and I hid my true self for a long long time, I came out last year to my family at the dinner table and to my suprise they didn't over react like I thought they would which took some of the weight and anxiety off my shoulders cause I thought they wouldn't accept me. Now coming out to my kids scared the living hell out of me that mommy was now going to be daddy, I would stay up at night crying trying to figure out how to break it to them thinking '' would they push me away?, disown me? would they think I lost my mind? Think I am disgusting? '' it's hard and it cause a lot of distress, anxiety and depression. I still am not comfortable with my own self even after dressing like a male I still look like a female in man's clothing and it bothers me to know end, I am looking into going on T and starting surgeries but I know it's going to be a long journey first and I still break down every time I see myself in the mirror, try to flatting my chest with my hands when standing naked in front of it and soo forth, but I would highly suggest that you talk to your therapist and ask for suggestion on how to talk to your wife and kids about it that is the biggest weight on your shoulders as I can see, I know it's really really scary believe me like I said it took me some time to find a way to come to mine, I read a forum ( I can't figure out where now I hate my memory lol) that showed me how to break it to them and it actually helped out a lot, It was a surprising outcome that I did not think was going to happen, they were actually very accepting so never know right. maybe even some support groups or the therapist can help ease them into that as well. I know the thought of losing your job also can be scary or the fact of not being accept anywhere for being trans is scary I still deal with that today, I am always getting odd looks or even whispers behind my back, but your not alone there are tons of wonderful people here that will support you through this and your journey I have only been here a few days and I've been welcomed with open arms by soo many.

Gage

[Rachel]

Thank you Gage, I appreciate your support and advise.

I went to the Therapist, gym and group tonight.

Therapist
I reviewed, I have an appointment with my PA-C Monday (6 week wait) for medication for depression. My therapist said I have long term depression and the marriage counselor my wife and I went to recommended I get medication for depression. I feel like I always have felt. The issue is when I have very little or no sleep for 3 day and get hit with dysphoria I do something impulsive to stop the pain.

I have thought about the more recent three attempts (2 in Dec 2012 and one 6 weeks ago). All three involved a tractor trailer. My Dad drove a tractor trailer. I know he caused me a lot of pain and perhaps there is a connection.

I had a karyotype test done, results in 3 weeks. I was told by my PA-c that it would not be paid by insurance. I finally found where in HUP they have the test (fertility department) and I was told it is covered by insurance.

Meet with HR last Friday to go over how things are going. They are so supportive. I was told what the COO and CEO said when she was informed. She said she thought something was going on. She was extremely supportive and said she was just finishing working with a person that transitioned in senior leadership. I played dumb and said I did not know the person. They said they will put me into contact with him.

[Rachel]

I had my appointment with my PA-c today and got a beginning dose prescription for depression. I see him in 2 weeks for my trans care and depression medication review. I will be getting my second letter for my orchi .

He went over how things are going at home and work and we discussed how things are going. I explained what happened 6 weeks ago and what caused the attempt. I explained my work is stressful but I can cope. I explained I love my wife and he will leave me if I come out or do any external thing trans at work; still I am able to process and cope. The issue was extreme self hatred. 6 weeks ago I had a conversation with HR and they were 100% supportive of everything I mentioned. This festered for 3 days and I had little sleep. Then that Friday while getting on 76 extreme self hate erupted and the pain was intense. There is a part of me so completely angry at myself for not being myself. I got on 76 with a tractor trailer coming up at 50 or 60 mph. I saw him and I deliberately did it without thinking about it and I did not look back. I did not care at that point. 5 minutes later what I did hit me and I called for an appointment to see my doctor for medication. I do not think it will help. Only one thing will help, being true.

[Rachel]

I was on vacation last week so no therapist, gym or group. I see them this week

Had my follow up doctors appointment today. My script for depression was doubled. I also got my second letter for a orchi  .

I saw a very cool silver arm band tattoo of ocean waves last week on the beach. HUUM, no I have enough

[Rachel]

Thursday I saw my therapist, trainer and went to group.

Therapist
I had my karyotype taken and I am 46XY. I could have sworn I was IS but I am not. My therapist asked how did I feel when I found out. I said I was shocked and thought to myself I am trans and not IS. I like knowing the answer to the question. I now can say definitively and identify where I fit. She asked if I had any suicidal thoughts over the information and I said no.

We discussed my medication for depression. It is really helping. I find myself feeling happy at times for no reason. I am more productive and have more motivation. I also found myself wanting to break exercise records. I find myself able to handle more transition challenges and instead of thinking about suicide I think I can do this. I should have been on a serotonin uptake inhibitor years ago.

Trainer
She really challenged me and I was able to manage. She started me with 50 seated squats 6 inched off the ground with 30 pound dumbbells curled on the down movement and it went on from there.

Group
Group was finally without drama and back to usual.

[Rachel]

I saw my therapist Tuesday and my trainer Thursday. Group was cancelled due to Mazzoni closing at 5 today due to the shutting down of roads and people leaving town before Friday at 10:00 PM when a large part of the city will be barricaded with no car traffic allowed. I will be sleeping at work from Friday through Monday. Philly is preparing for the Pope.

Therapist
We reviewed the effects of the depression medication I am on. I still have suicidal thoughts but much less and less severe. My overall outlook is better. Perhaps I am accepting myself or perhaps others are accepting me more. I know one project stress from work is being resolved and that is a huge relief. I will behind in the project which will have ramifications.

I will be seeing another therapist for 4 weeks starting in October. My therapist is having a baby

We discussed some transition related issues.

Trainer
I will be sore tomorrow. The gym was empty due to what is happening in Philly.

[Rachel]

I went to my Therapist. gym and group Thursday.

Therapist
This is my last session for a while with my present therapist. She is having a baby. I am trying to line up a temp therapist and the one I wanted most likely will be my temp therapist.

I really need a therapist and if this does not work out I have another candidate lined up.

The last week was stressful at work. I had to stay from Friday through Monday due to the papal visit in Philly. I had little sleep and constant issues. Monday night I slept at home and had a bad dream about physical violence at work. When I woke I kept thinking what would I do it that happened. I got really emotional but later fell back to sleep. It has been on the back of my mind.

Gym
My trainer is really good and she keeps pushing me to new levels.

Group
There were two woman that are having a rough time. We provided support and the one was offered a lot of help through Mazzoni. The other I think may have been fired today.

[JLT1]

Hey,

Hugs!

I have decided that our fear is much worse than reality.  It has been a tough road for sure, but it's also been the experience of a lifetime.  Things have gotten better for me and they will for you.  So hang on! It actually gets kinda fun.

Hugs

Jen

[Katy]

This is an amazing thread.  There is simply nothing like it anywhere else.  It is a roller coaster ride in print, going from tragedy to triumph, from soaring emotional heights and disparate lows.  Cynthia, you are an extraordinary woman. 

[Rachel]

Jen, thank you for the words of support; they do help.

Katy, thank you for the compliment. I am just an average person in a difficult position trying to do what many have done before me.

At work today I attended a diversity training. All of management are being trained on 8 competencies. They are part of our annual evaluation. The training was headed by our COO and he came out publically as gay. Another thing he shared was a Doctor was fired for refusing to treat a trans patient due to religious reasons. He said we have a zero tolerance for bigotry. I e-mailed him after the training and thanked him for being an amazing leader and helping so many who are afraid to come out and for supporting those who are trans. He said to see him so we could talk. I have known him for 27 years and he is a fantastic person. 

Thursday I went to my temporary therapist. She is very good. She was the top of the list my 1st therapist recommended I see when she closed her practice. At the time she had no openings. She recommends I follow up with the Wash West addictions group meetings. I told her where I am right now at work and home and my alternatives, needs and fears. At about the 5 minute mark I explained what the marriage counselor said to my wife and I after 30 minutes of meeting us. Which is we no longer have a marriage, are room mates and should go our separate ways. My therapist said that is something that is highly abrupt and unsupportive. At the 25 minute mark my therapist said my wife and I should have a conversation about the future and that we are room mates, no longer have a marriage and we both deserve the opportunity to find a partner that is supportive and be in a supportive environment.

I have a lot of things going on and I volunteer for a lot of things. This weekend I am working the work table at the Outfest event. Next weekend I am working at work with the Family Matters annual event. I will be working with the trans kids. Work and commute is 13 hours a day and then there is transition, therapy, group, training and my training with my trainer. I have one capital project that starting to straighten out but it caused me a lot of anxiety. I sent my CV to someone who is recommending me for a volunteer position for the City of Philadelphia. Also, I am on the Trans feminine selection group for the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference. I try to keep very busy doing positive things. It really helps being involved and helping others. Somehow it takes my problems and puts them aside and it provides positive feedback.

[Rachel]

I went to my therapist, gym and group Thursday and Saturday I volunteered at the Family Matters Pride event at work.

Therapist
I went over the frustration of trying to schedule an orchi with Dr. McGinn. She is booked up through December and I am trying to schedule the procedure and they are trying to fit me in in December. I don't care if it is January or February, I just want to schedule the date.

A lot of people in my department know I am trans. So when I come out it most likely be a we know and no big deal. I think it is now more of a when will you come out and what are you waiting for.

I volunteered for the Family Matters Pride annual event that was held at work. The COO introduced his partner to me and used my preferred name. He gave an opening speech where he stated he is a gay man. Then he introduced the Physician and Chief for PA (she is trans) and she spoke about mindfulness. I worked with children at the conference and had a lot of fun. My two co-volunteers (part of Pride at work) one is a Research Doctor and the other a NP-c.

[Rachel]

I went to my temporary therapist Thursday and electrolysis today.

My temporary therapist said I am reliving the shame and guilt from my earlier life over and over again and I need to break the cycle. She asked me why I have the guilt and shame. I could not look at her. I looked down and away from her and I went into it.  Now the guilt and shame is associated with the guilt of hurting my wife and shame of being myself and people not understanding what trans is. We discussed this for a while then I said I need to have FFS and hair replacements to look better. I really do not want to like a guy in woman's cloths walking down the street. She then said pardon my language but F_ _ _ that. Then she said everyone feels their face or body needs improvement and that has nothing to do with how you feel inside and the need to be yourself.

This therapist is spot on and challenges me on what I say. My other therapist also said I am reliving my guilt and shame.

[Mariah]

Cynthia, it's wonderful to see the new therapist is going to be able to help you. Sounds like she will really be able to help you get passed these issues. They're not easy ones to get passed and it's easy to get hung up and frustrated by them to the point we can't look someone in the face when talking about them. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[Rachel]

Thank you Mariah, you words of encouragement are very helpful.

I forgot to mention. I was walking past a person at work and we are friends. He said I am really envious of you. I stopped and looked at him puzzled. I said why? He said you get to start fresh.  You get to do what you want. He is married and cis hetero. I was stunned by his comment and it took me a while to understand what he meant.  There are a lot of people living lives that are of circumstance and not of choice and they can be cis hetero.

[Keri]

Hey Cynthia,
Something happened with me and my ex today and suddenly I though I should post this to your page.. thread.
Call it womens intuition.. but the timing could not be better.

Ok, this guilt thing.. its so normal and trust me .. I have been living it.
There comes a time when enough is enough..
I am transitioned now and I am still trying to keep my ex happy and the whole family happy.. I held them up for 32 years.. To put it bluntly.. when I was thirty and figured out what was wrong with me and almost transitioned but did not because of the family.. I had put myself second to them and did that for 25 years..
How much more do I need to give..  what about me..
Lets talk about us.. we did not chose to be born this way.. we deserve to be happy like anyone else.
I look at other CIS people and think what the heck.. be happy.. at least your did not spend your entire life with GID.

So what brought this on this morning..is we had a plumbing issue I tried to fix.. water went everywhere.
My ex got upset flipped out and was angry.. not at me but the situation.
I had awoke in the best of moods.. so happy as usual.. I am always upbeat..
Well she drained my soul of everything and at that moment I felt like I had just died..
I could barely walk, I cried wanted to be alone..and told her I can't do it anymore.. I can't make her be happy anymore.. I said I only care about me now.. its time for Keri.. I am done..
Well did I mean it.. yes and no... in the moment I did.. I want to run away..  I want to leave my job and every responsibility of the past behind me.. Seriously..

I am so tired of others making us feel guilty for being who we are.. Its not right..
So, keep your chin up girl.. be you.. the heck with others that mistreat you.. One day, you have to live for yourself.. not others.. no one can make us happy forever and we will drain ourselves making everyone's world around us happy.. Take care of you!!
Keri