MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

I went to my therapist, gym and group Thursday.

At the therapist I went over things that are on my plate:
Divorce
Name change paperwork filed
FFS scheduled
GCS scheduled
BA scheduled

Divorce is something I am starting to accept as inevitable and perhaps best for my wife. I use to dwell on filing for my name change until I did it and now I am anxious to get it done. I love my name and it feels good when people call me Rachel.

FFS, I will be alone. I do not know what I will look like. I do not like pain and I am apprehensive about pain meds. Do I explore Boston with bandages covering my face? 7 days in a hotel room will be an eternity. What will people think?

BA, I have so many questions. full or teardrop. Silicone or saline. C or D. Most important, what will people think?

GCS, how much pain? Depth? infection? Look?

Then there is an issue  of raising the funds by selling a lot of my collections of stuff. Selling the stuff is not an issue. the issue is will I raise enough funds. I need to pay for FFS, BA and GCS up front and virtually at the same time.

I sometimes think this is too much at once but then I think I need to do a consult for hair. Voice and Adam's apple I pretty much have narrowed it to two people.

I though back and 5 or so months ago I was thinking about depression and keeping alive. That seams so long ago. Ever since coming out fully and expressing I have not been depressed any where as much as in the past and suicide is only a passing thought on very infrequent occasions. I know I am on the right path.

[xAmyX]

I feel you on the Adam's Apple issue. I had an amazing dream last night where I was surgically getting it shaved and really I was excited. Then I woke up and am like blah, I want to get it done, but feel it's too soon to ask my therapist and endocrinologist about it. It is as though reality is the nightmare, and I just want to wake up! Each day at a time the dreams become true. There is hope. <3

[Rachel]

Hi Amy and welcome to Susan's.

It would be a good topic to discuss with your therapist. Share with them who you are, your hopes and needs.

Best, Rachel

[Rachel]

I went to my therapist, gym and group Thursday.

Therapist
I brought her up to speed on the current divorce mediation proceedings.

Next she asked about how I will handle medications for pain from FFS. I explained I will have a nurse stop by daily and give me a days worth of meds. She said I may remember the old feelings. I said I will absolutely remember. She then went into meds that deactivate when crushed and a med that can be injected that will block alcohol and narcotics. I plan on bringing Motrin and switching asap and flushing the narcotics when I can. I have a second chance at life and I will make the most of it. I am not into being numb anymore.

She said she has my letter for GCS and I will get it next time. This is my second letter

[Rachel]

I received a letter from the courthouse (looked at Saturdays mail today) with a June 3 hearing for my name change.   

[Rachel]

I have the two newspaper publications scheduled for my name change advertisement. I am getting excited.

I had a phone therapy session Friday, we discussed:
Monday was really a bad day.  At lunch someone said something and it hurt. As the day progressed it got worse and worse. Driving home was rough. When I got home I contemplated doing something stupid. I went to bed and the next day felt better and by lunch was back 100%. I told my therapist I will be getting rid of a few things that are a much higher risk for me than protection.

I went over my name change and how I am feeling about it. I am 95% excited and 5% scared. She said that most likely the event will be anticlimactic and I may feel a let down because it is not a big deal for them and they do it routinely.

I discussed that my wife is filling out the paperwork to sue me for divorce. I have very mixed feelings about this. I feel depressed because we do so much together and she is my best friend and I feel a bit relieved. She says stuff to hurt me all the time. I know I hid that I am trans from her but it is getting old.

I discussed the things involved with FFS and she gave me a few great options to find more affordable housing when in Boston. I am getting excited for this too. I really want to see what I will look like after the operation.

[Rachel]

My wife just served me with divorce notice.

So many emotions.

I thought of things in a permanent way. So when something changed such as death, people moving away and now divorce that it hurt. I need to keep thinking it will be alright just different. I get to craft the different future.

[JLT1]

Hi Rachel!!

I've been out for a little while.  First, because I just sometimes question myself, "Was this the right thing to do?".  Then, I went on a two week vacation. Which meant I was behind at work.  (OK, REALLY behind!).  Just getting caught up now.

Was this the right thing?  I mean, I tore a tornado path through my life.  Nothing is the same but nothing is really different. I didn't change the world, just one teeny tiny piece - me.  It has been a rough road and it still is.  The world is still out there and big parts of it are less than nice.  However, a quick share.....

I was in a terrible car accident in 1991.  Seven months of physical therapy, nine months unable to work.  I still have neck problems.  If I twist just so, it pops and I get an instant headache.  I've been going to the same chiropractor for 19 years.  He twists things and it goes back into place.  But he and his staff have known me for a long time.  To a person, they were a little weirded out about my transition.  It's been 22 months since the world met Jennifer.  Last week, when I went in, everyone came out to see me again. We talked about vacation, we talked about my bogey boarding, my diving as a woman for the first time, and all about that.  We were all laughing, smiling and they were all just happy - 3 Chiropractor, three nurses, two office folks and some patients who were listening in on the conversation.  When we stopped and I was filling out some additional paperwork, one of the nurses stayed and was smiling.  She said "you have changed so much."  I denied that.  She said "You have an inner peace and an inner joy that just overflows."  I thought about that and said I hadn't changed much.  She said "Oh yes you have.  You're nice now." 

My hope is that you will experience that inner settling that lets life overflow.  I am whole.  There are still problems (I was sleeping on the couch last night.)  But, they can be handled.

Hows the insurance thing coming?  Another girl here on Susan's just got FFS approval and her insurance company is the same as yours....

Hugs,

Jen

     

[MaryXYX]

I really support Jennifer's message.  I lost my marriage - yours is gone too Rachel - my church and all my friends.  I've found a very supportive church and more reliable friends and I have a new home.  More important I have that inner peace and joy too, and yes I'm a much nicer person now.

[Rachel]

Hi Jen,

I am glad you were able to get away for a while.

I will send you what my HR sent me as far a policy. I do not know if it is any help. I appreciate you looking at it. I have FFS 9/15/16.

Thank you for sharing the chiropractor story that helps.
______________________________________________
Hi Mary,

Thank you for sharing your loss and inner peace that helps.
______________________________________________

I have shed a lot of tears over the past three years. A lot of those tears were about how what I am and how I hid who I am impacted and impacts others. What is done is done and I can not change my past or my past decisions. I feel a great loss and at the same time a feeling of finally being able to be myself.

[Rachel]

I went to my therapist Thursday and she forgot the GCS letter. She e-mailed it to me today and I sent it to Papillion. I will be there Monday for a clearing and I will see it the two letters supplied a satisfactory. Next Is getting pre-approval for the BA and GCS.

[Rachel]

I just got back from New Hope and Papillion. I had my 3rd of six genital clearings. I am 50% done and will be so happy when that is behind me.

I was sized for a BA. Dr. McGinn recommended a 550 cm silicone implant above the muscle. Also I would need a second operation to move the breasts upward at a later date. My chest is such that my breasts point outward. My breast bone goes outward so I ill only have cleavage with a bra on.

I got my ears and navel pierced at Warrior in New Hope, good experience. The piercer was saying something and said, "when other girls come in....". it was nice to be gendered correctly. I love New Hope.

[Ely-chan]

Hi͵ Rachel!!!
I think that you are really strong 
I read your story and it's really emotive and inspired
So, keep doing your best, you are amazing
Bye

[Rachel]

Thank you Ely-Chan.

I went to Papillion Monday. I consulted with Dr. McGinn about breast augmentation. I will have this with GCS in November.  She will install silicone or saline filled inserts. She provided a pamphlet with information about silicone filled inserts. She said they feel the best. She also went over the risks of both types. I can not have inserts under the muscle and I will need another operation later because of how I am physically.

So, any advise about a BA? Would you get a BA? Would you get silicone?   Would you get saline?

[MaryXYX]

It is an individual choice but I have stayed with external enhancement.  I'm naturally 38 A and wearing 38 B which looks right for my chest.  (That's UK - may be 38 AA to 38 A USA sizes).

[JLT1]

Hi,

Silicone breast implants are fine for over the muscle. They look the best and feel more natural (wink).  After about ten years, get them checked for problems.  They should be fine.  If not, replace, they will be under warrenty.  The new ones are better than they were a number of years ago. Should be great.

For under muscle, where risk of accidental rupture is higher  (still ulikely), water is fine and safer. 

I went with under muscle saline.  650 mL.  I ended up being a DDD or F.  However, at 6'1", they are in proportion.

Hugs

Jen

[Keri]

Rachel,
I have not been on Susan's much but wanted to say Hi!!
Love you and wish you the best.. you helped me so much through my transition.. Your ability to handle things in life as they came up helped me to do better in my life.
So I am thankful girl.
Love
Keri

[Rachel]

Hi Mary, thank you for the response. I am a 40 A (39 inches below breasts) so we are close in size. I agree a very personal decision. I belong to a LGBT gym and they have a pool and I love going to the beach and I really want to fit in. Also, I want to use the woman's locker room at the gym instead of private locker room.

Hi Jen, thank you for the response, I think I am leaning closer to the silicone. My breast are located below the muscle on my torso. So operation one is the implants and operation two is lifting the breasts. Dr. McGinn recommended 550 cc silicone implants. The first question she asked was how big do you want to be? I said I do not want to be too big and want to fit in. I then said full C. I am 6'2" now. She took a bunch of measurements and accounted for my existing breast tissue. I asked her what she thought was best and she made the recommendation.

I thought she was very nice during the consult. To the point but very nice.

Hi Keri, Thank you for the response. I am here every day but with work I only have 30 minutes of so during weekdays. You are an absolute inspiration. I think I understand now how you (and other woman) felt when you had to change quickly after you crossed the Rubicon.

[Rachel]

I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to see a lawyer to represent me in the divorce agreement. The mediator dismissed my cost to transition as a consideration in alimony (reduction). How can she dismiss the costs of a medical condition and a preexisting condition which are both in the PA alimony code. She also put things in the draft agreement that favors my wife after my wife and I agreed to something else while in her presence.

Went to the dentist yesterday. I told the hygienist about my transition and upcoming procedures.  She was super supportive and told the Dentist. He is friends with someone who transitioned and was super supportive. I am getting trays made for whitening my teeth. He said after FFS we need to review veneers. I have known them for 23 years.

[Rachel]

I lost it at the lunch table today. We were eating and having small talk. I made a comment that I need to get a new bathing suit for this summer. One guy made a comment about another guy and how hairy he is and that image is now stuck in his mind. We all laughed. I then said I spoke to my therapist and I need to buy, then tears flowed down my face. There were a lot of tears. I was so embarrassed. I left the lunch room.

I went from happy and laughing to crying. Since then a lot of bad feelings and old wounds have come up. I do not know what happened. I am going to bed hoping tomorrow is a better day.