MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

I filed for FMLA Friday for my FFS, BA and GCS. The people who manage our FMLA were super supportive and helpful.

I sent to Dr. Mcginn's office, my therapist and electrolysis place non-system provider forms. I need to get Dr. Spiegel a form as well, for future procedures because FFS is not covered. This will allow me to have a cap on my annual costs to $2,500. I need to start work on scheduling voice, Adams apple and hair procedures. My goal will be to get as many procedures done next benefit year (7/1/16 to 6/3/17).

My name change hearing is June 3 I am getting excited.

I also saw a HR manager in the Atrium at work Friday. She is so supportive.

I have #4 clearing appointment May 20 and I am not looking forward to it. It is really getting old.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist Thursday. She gave me 2 things to do in the upcoming week. I had mentioned I will need makeup for after FFS and mentioned Sephora (17 and Chestnut). Next I mentioned that a lot of woman at work offered to help with cloths, shoes and jewelry. So my homework this week was to accept help and go to Sephora's. Friday I had an offer for help. She lives close to Sephora's so I will be goin there this week.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist and this is what we spoke about:

I went to Sephora's and they recommended a 1 hour makeup session. I am scheduled for Tuesday I was nervous going into the store but they were nice. I explained I am trans and wanted concealer for future ffs scares and for general use.

Next, I went over all the things going on with my transition, which is a lot, and what I am doing to get things done and not pile up. Lastly, I went over the status of the divorce.

Today

I went to Papillion for my #4 genital clearing. Chrystal administered the local, she is nice. 5 minutes of intense pain then I was completely numb. The clearing only took 45. I have two more clearings to go I dropped off 3 of the 5 documents needed for my BA and GCS. I need to get them the silicone breast implant acknowledgement and book the room in New Hope.

I called Dr. Spiegel's office and paid off his cost for FFS. The Anesthesiologist and hospital get pain next.  I need to book the room and flights.   

Next I saw the lawyer. She had my response to the draft agreement documented. I need to send that to the mediator and my wife via e-mail. After we are done with the settlement agreement I will need to have a lot of things changed on the suite paperwork my wife followed. I was never properly served and  the alimony and settlement was never checked off on the document. Also, there was a lot of incorrect legal terms and language the needs to be corrected.

I am feeling really good about my transition, not just happy or excited but positive as in I am doing the right thing for myself. I am becoming myself.

Busy Friday,

Rachel

[Rachel]

I went to Sephora's Tuesday and had a makeup consult. I look trans and have a girl's name and express. So I just explained when I made the appointment I am trans and need makeup for when I get feminine facial surgery and for general use. Well I walked in Tuesday and had my appointment and the people there were really nice. The makeup artist had a trans friend and she was so supportive. She has green hair and a lot of tats and piercings so I felt comfortable. We are 3 blocks from the gayborhood. Purchase a bunch of stuff.

Discussed with my wife the divorce settlement changes My lawyer and I drafted. She agreed with all but two. So we will need to discuss that in the future. All the changes except 3 were legal language clarifications. Things got emotional and she said some things that really hurt. I went to my bedroom but got out of my dark place within 30 minute; I was really happy with that. I actually told myself I do not want to do this and I want to experience life as me. Then I walked the dog and felt pretty good.

Saw my therapist today and brought her up to speed with everything going on. She asked a few questions about the 30 minutes and what I had thought. I told her and she asked how far it went and I told her. I told her at no time did I lose control and I did not get to a dangerous point.

I walked in from work today and I was wearing a new pair of cream color flats from Nostrum Rack. My wife said they look like old lady shoes. I had help from two 20 something woman at work and I had received a lot of compliments at work. I am starting to believe my wife will never accept me and parting would be best for us.

[Rachel]

Three years on HRT today.

I have 3.5 months till FFS and am getting very excited; 5.5 months till BA and GCS and that seams a long way away.

I guess I should sign the divorce settlement agreement but not this weekend. My birthday is May 31 and I just want this weekend to be a less stress weekend.

[Rachel]

I went to the court house 48 hours before my name change hearing as the instructions said. Both departments said to return on Friday before the hearing for the paperwork. So I took off from work because their process is incorrect or never changed on the forms. The people in the departments were very nice and it is a beautiful day. So all-in-all it turned out fine.

I went over the divorce agreement last night with my wife and we are in agreement. I explained when she gave me the paperwork she did not provide service, check off alimony or check off marital asset distribution agreement nor was a distribution attached. Next I said my name is changing Friday and all this can be corrected by sending them an amended form that we both sign and provide the needed information.

I am 95% sure I will restore the original scope of work for the FFS with Dr. Spiegel on 9/15. I have been doing a lot of reading on Susan's of past FFS experiences and will need to raise more money. I think the doctor was spot on and I was shocked by the price.  This is a way to unclutter my life and simplify by selling a lot of stuff

[Rachel]

I am legally Rachel today

There were three trans in the courtroom changing their names today

[mm]

Oh my, 3 in one day

[JLT1]

Oh my, 3 in one day

Congrats!!!!

Hugs,

Jen

[Fresas con Nata]

I am legally Rachel today

Congratulations!! This is, to me, one of the best threads on susans.

[Rachel]

MM, Jen and Fresas con Mata, thank you very much for your support.

So at work they had changed my name on some things last November when I came out. But Friday they changed everything including my gender. My e-mail comes up at work as Rachel L xxxxxxx .  It was an awesome feeling when HR called today and verified everything was done. My boss has of yet e-mailed congratulation. HR did not inform him they changed my gender; they sent that e-mail separately. They know there are issues and he is not accepting by his past actions.

Sunday I went to have 2 hours of electrolysis as I do each week. When I left I sat in the car a while. They have been working on my chin for a long time. There is still hair there, much less but some hairs still there. I have been doing my chin forever and I got a little upset. I also injected Saturday night so perhaps the E was influencing my feelings and emotions.

No group or therapist this week. We are going to the PTHC. Our  group ( I will be participating)has a workshop on Saturday at 1:00.

I am starting to get very excited for FFS. It is on 9/15/16. I am so ready and want this done yesterday. Coming to terms with myself has been the best thing I have done.

Final meeting with the divorce mediator 6/14 to finalize the agreement and alimony. My wife really wants to move forward.

[Rachel]

I went to the Philly Trans Health Conference Thursday-Saturday. I worked the kids camp each of the three days for 3 hours each day. We had 25 or so trans kids 5-12. I am so glad those parents are taking care of their children. Our group presented a workshop and I was one of the presenters. I think it went very well.

I am working on the license, gender marker, registration and title for the DMV with my name

Divorce agreement day is tomorrow.

I have my 5th genital hair clearing Friday. I need a new set of earrings so I will stop into Warrior on my way home.

I e-mailed Carol at doctor Spiegel's office and later we spoke. I am adding a face lift and lower eye life to my FFS. So I guess I am going to be selling more stuff

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Best of luck tomorrow.

[josie68winter]

I have my 1st appointment for informend consent in 6 days. I tried to move it up but they are booked. They are an informed consent location in Philadelphia. I really need to talk to them.

One 12/12/12 I admitted to myself I am transgender ( at age 50). A liftime of payback is rushing into my brain. I surrendered to my feminine self on 1/5/2013 ( scheduled the appointment at the LTGB center). I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. I am responsible for this mess ( my head is throbbing and emotions are on the surface).

What triggered the bomb to go off? My wife asked me why I  never iniated sex. Was she ugly? I reassured he she was beautiful but I could not tell her why I could not iniate sex. This bothered me. I started writhing down my history and then a flood of things came in. Volumes of things I surpressed. Refused to remember, did not happen if I could not remember. I looked over what I wrote and thought. I am a complete fraud, chicken and transgender.

In the past I had coping mechanism to substatute for the female side of me. I ( huge embarrassment) after puberty masterbated and fanticized I was a woman and was satisfying men in every way possible. There were thoughts throughout the day but I allowed an outlet at night and re-directed the day thoughts for later. Lots of other things I could expand on but they would be a bit graphic.

I have had a headach since 12/12/2012, now my stomach hurts almost costantly for the past 2 days. I can not sleep much and all  I can think about is coming to terms with my past, present and future. In the past three days driving home, Wednesday I was in a pure state of panic, Thursaday and Friday I cried. My drive is 1.5 hours and cried the whole time. Work is turning into a very difficult place to concentrate and I think 25% of the time about my MTF conflict. What is happening?

I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and when I came home I almost told my wife I am transgender. I chickeded out. I am so lame.

My wife and daughter are my life and I love them and would not ever want to hurt them. I love where I work and really believe what I do counts toward the final effort and we collectively do amazing things for others. I would be crushed if I lost one of the three yet the potential of all three, not to mention the embarressment of others finding out I am female. I am in hell ( can't fight back the tears).

I think I need to tell everyone, wife, daughter, work and family ASAP. Things are getting worse every day.

I think I need HRT but that scarres the hell out of me. Add a sex change and I am over the top. Voice, breasts cloths make-up, find another job, divorce and lose my daughter. Life will not be worth living. Yet I am drawn to admit who I am, stop the pain and get some quiet.

I will try to explaine the battle inside of me. I surrendered to my feminine self ( Cynthia) and apologized many time to her ho all the years of pain I caused her. She is extreamly creative, bright, very sensitive, loving, nurturing, quick witted and the reason I have been successful. The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean. I can not control the internal feeling of male sub-rage running unabated inside of me. I am numb and unfeeling.


I have been reading the different posts for about a month and perhaps someone can provide some insight. I do not know what dysphoria is, do I have it? Is there hope for me? How do you cope.

I have been where you are. It is a difficult place. I was having that same battle at the first of the year. After nearly having a nervous breakdown, I told my wife first. Then a week or so, my daughters were told. Later that month I informed my family. My wife had to adjust to the bonb shell as well as my daughters. They are slowly accepting me. But sadly, my family chose to quit speaking to me about 5 months ago. I still hold out hope that they will accept me. Through all that stress and trauma,  I felt as if a great weight was lifted from me. You have to decide if you have had enough to take that risk, knowing what might happen, for me, it was worth it. This year has been the best since I was very little. It also helps tremendously to talk to a therapist who specializes with gender dysphoria. Sorry so long, hope it helps.

Jo

[JLT1]

I went to the Philly Trans Health Conference Thursday-Saturday. I worked the kids camp each of the three days for 3 hours each day. We had 25 or so trans kids 5-12. I am so glad those parents are taking care of their children. Our group presented a workshop and I was one of the presenters. I think it went very well.

I am working on the license, gender marker, registration and title for the DMV with my name

Divorce agreement day is tomorrow.

I have my 5th genital hair clearing Friday. I need a new set of earrings so I will stop into Warrior on my way home.

I e-mailed Carol at doctor Spiegel's office and later we spoke. I am adding a face lift and lower eye life to my FFS. So I guess I am going to be selling more stuff

It's amazing how much stuff becomes unimportant when we become ourselves.  As an encouragement...many of the greatest experiences of my life have happened post transition. Its all about being ourselves.

Hugs

Jen

[Rachel]

Anxietydisorder3rd and Ibaoddone, thank you.

Jen, that helped a lot. FFS will cost $45,000. I chose 2 days in the hospital. Considering the tax reduction and all the surgeries that will be covered by insurance; I am fortunate.

I have some woman friends at work and they helped me order some cloths and shoes They are awesome. I had an offer Sunday to go shopping and I have a personal shopping invite from a thrift shop owner ( Philly Aids Thrift and I know a transwoman there too that wants to help).

Tonight my wife and I agreed on the divorce settlement. It went really good.  The lawsuit will be reactivated and my new name will be on it It is time to move on. I hope to remain friends with my wife.

I got some very nice feminine tops for work. Presently I am wearing button down female tops. I took a lot of constructive criticism from a transman Saturday and Sunday. He is right and I need to have more feminine tops. Well, Thursday I will wear a really nice outfit to work and then later in the gayborhood and to my therapists and gym. I am pretty excited

[Rachel]

I have a new drivers license today with my name and gender on it  . Next I went to the bank and started the name change process. My wife needs to stop in the bank and take her name off my account. Then I can stop back in and complete the process.

[Rachel]

I sent a copy of my new drivers license to Dr. Spiegel's office to update my chart

My wife and I will sign the divorce agreement and get it notarized then restart the divorce suite tomorrow. I really do not want to get divorced but I understand my wife's needs and it is best for her.

I did an interview for work for LGBT month. It was posted throughout the enterprise. It was personal and I am so glad I did it. I have received a lot of e-mails and support and a bunch of hugs. The diversity department has gotten a lot of positive feedback. Where I work is 95% female and we hold most of the management positions. We have 14,000 employees.

At group we discussed how we felt about the Orlando shootings. We all expressed similar sadness and had similar thoughts and fears. That Sunday was the Philly Pride parade and we had the shooting on out minds and Penn's landing afterwards. There must have been more than 10,000 queer people there. I am glad the event was not cancelled, it helped to be with our queer family.

[Rachel]

I have an issue.

My GCS is scheduled for 11/15/16. The person that was going to be with me just got 12weeks off (with pay). When she goes back to work she may be severanced and have almost a years salary and would be able to be with me. If she is reassigned (most likely) she will not be able to be with me.

I need a plan A and B and have the other resource as a plan C. Any suggestions would be helpful. I am going to McGinn 40 minutes from my home.

[Rachel]

Until today all my cloths were purchased on-line. I went to Macie's a few months ago for a bra fitting and survived Today I went into Buffalo Exchange at 19th and Chestnut (Philadelphia PA)  on the way home and went to purchase a few blouses and a pair of shorts. The internet connection was down so I will go back tomorrow to actually purchase (they put them aside) and I will shop a bit more too. They were really nice and I felt comfortable

I had gone there 3 years ago and walked out in a panic. Today I actually had fun shopping and can not wait to go back tomorrow.

I was in an elevator today with my boss. I recently (few weeks ago) started to wear sleeveless blouses with cardigans (out of the office) and ditched my button up blouses for now. He asked how things were going with the clothing change and has anyone said anything. I said, I had just positive responses.