MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

I know I am in the process of divorce but Wednesday and today are good examples of how soon some toxic people in my life will be at arms length or further.

Thursday I was countersigning my daughters student loan. The loan is electronic. I signed and then my daughter. After, she got up and said Rachel, I do not know a Rachel. My wife said there are only 2 girls in this house her and my daughter then said there is not a third woman and not a Jewish woman (my wife equates Rachel with Jewish).

I did not respond and thought how in 60 to 90 days we will be divorced.

Today I came home and my wife said it is not Halloween when I walked in the door. Then she said I am not a woman. I really looked good in a purple sleeveless top with black pants and black flats. I had my white cardigan over my arm. It was the way she said it and how much hate she had in her voice that hurt. Again 60 to 90 days. I had gotten a lot of complements today on my outfit so I thought about them instead of the hate.

[JLT1]

Hi,

I know that pain.  Toxic people in one's life is not good.  It wears one down.  But the anger is her problem. 

You are doing wonderful, focusing on the positive, storing up complements. You'll be fine. 

Hugs,

Jen

[Rachel]

Thank you Jen, that helps.

Last night I signed the divorce service document and started the 90 day divorce clock. My wife was eager to get it done which hurt.

Tomorrow we have an all day leadership retreat. There will be 300 to 400 in attendance. Time for them to walk the talk as their were no all gender bathrooms at the inn at Penn last I was there. I will not use the men's room

I never lived on my own. In 90 days I will be alone. I am going to add a spinning and yoga class and a social trans group to my weekly routine. I think I will add a shopping event weekly at some thrifts and factory stores in Philly.

[JLT1]

Hey!

Hugs......

I lived alone for almost 20 years.  It's not all bad.  Plan activities.  Plan down time.  Use a DVR to record shows you like.  Plan time to be with friends.  Have a friend or two that will come over when you need and be there for them as well. Plan time to try new things (that's fun). 

Advantage:  You do what you want when you want.  And no one ever is toxic.

Call if you need.

Hugs

Jen

[Rachel]

Hi Jen, thank you so much for your help.

Today my wife took her name off the joint account and I had to go and sign. When I arrived I was told that because we have a mortgage together I can not have only my name in the account. I explained the mortgage department directed me to 1st have her remove her name then change my name on the account then when the agreement is notarized then remortgage the house and they would provide her a check for half the equity. The title would be in my new name However, when I arrived they did not give me the same process and said to come back Monday when the mortgage department is open. I went home and my wife and I went to Costco ( she for cookies and I for fruit). When I got home there was a message apologizing for how things went at the bank and to come back in and everything would be taken care of. I will stop back Monday. They were really nice, especially when I brought up the name change.

[Rachel]

Today I completed my 6th and final genital clearing . I am so happy to be done. I scheduled my BA/GCS pre-op appointment to sign all the paperwork the day before GCS.

At group there were two friends there that moved away last year. I was so happy to see them. One of our group facilitators is leaving Mazzoni the 1st week of August. I will really miss her.

[Rachel]

I have been to the bank 3 times in pursuit to change my name on the joint account. We tried to remove my wife's name then I would change my name on the account. It turns out I will need to be on the account until the divorce is final and I am the only person on the deed and loan. Funny thing though, when you log into the machine to see an associate they get a picture of me on their screen. Then they come out and greet you. When the associate came out last time she used my new name and said I do not look anything like my picture on file.

When I was at group there were two woman that are friends I had not seen for a year. They moved to up state Pennsylvania where one of them grew up (the other was West Virginia). They explained how things were going there. It was very stressful and sad.

When my two friends were talking in group I was stressed and noticed I had my finger from my left hand in front of my face stimming. I do not know how long I was doing it but I sat on my hands when I realized it. it is so embarrassing. I hate crowds, stress and noisy environments. When at a noisy crowded restaurant my wife will yell at me for stimming. So when things get too much I zone out, no matter how much I try to be present. If you see someone doing this do not put them down or think poorly of them they are just trying to cope in a way that is different than how you cope. Don't make them feel ashamed it will stay with them for life and they cannot help it.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

It's not for life; when you get away from that toxic influence you will gradually forget that you're supposed to be ashamed of stimming.

I talk to myself ... I think it's my form of stimming. It's not hurting anybody, so why should I be ashamed of that?

[Rachel]

Thank you AnxietyDisoder3r.

The divorce should be final around September 5th. It is a ways off but getting closer. Even though I take a lot of crap I feel a big loss coming. I know I will have freedom but it has a cost.

I may have a person that will be with me for GCS and perhaps FFS. She is awesome and I hope that works out.

FFS is 56 days away. Wow, time is fling by. I really wonder what I will look like and how I will handle the pain.

Tuesday night I had a really bad time for an hour. I was thinking what it will be like alone. Alone for my birthday and holidays. I got out of it but it was intense.

I hurt myself during training last night. The room I was in at the gym was very hot. My trainer as pushing me hard and toward the end of the session I had to sit down to keep the contents of my tummy down. During that time she was talking at me about weight and diet and being too winded. She kept it up so instead of having an endorphin high I was pretty down. Since the training I have had a head ache and it is not going away.  Off to bed with the hopes of feeling better tomorrow.

[HappyMoni]

Dear Rachel,
  Hope you feel better today. I was thinking about your upcoming social change. I kind of see it as a new chapter of life for you. No one stays in the same situation their whole life. If they did, it would be more sad than anything. I hope you keep in mind that you are making a big change, yes, but the next chapter of your life will not stay the way it starts. Of course you will be sad from loss. It is okay. It is okay to mourn the passing of that part of your life. Things will get better. You will find new routines, new people in your life. You will establish a new reality for your life given some time. The best you can do, I think, is allow yourself to be sad, but never give in to a general feeling of negativity.
  I know you can't wait for your surgery to get here. For me, time went by so slowly beforehand. Now I am finding the recovery time goes by just as slow. lol Of course, I had my complications which hopefully you will not experience. Just thought I would let you know I am thinking of you. Hope my comment above doesn't sound preachy. It is just my thoughts on trying to look at the big picture.
Moni

[Rachel]

Thank you Moni, that helped a lot and it was not preaching.

I am feeling a lot better today. I really pushed it Thursday night. I need to talk to my trainer and give her some feedback about what happened. She had said she was going to have a talk with my doctor and let I'm know I was winded. Which I need to explain the consequences if she does. I see him 8/15 to do my FFS, BA and GCS paperwork and I really do not want this to get screwed up. The gayborhood is a small community in a big town and a lot of people know each other. It does not help that my doctor trained with my trainer.

The routine she had me doing was rowing then squats then pushups then luges then a stomach exercise then over again and again in a circuit. She had me doing the exercises perfectly executed and at her rhythm. The room has no AC is located on the 4th floor of the gym with the sun beating on it. It had to be 100 degrees. I did this for 45 minutes with a minute between exercises. I thought I was doing fantastic but she had other advise.

[Dena]

I would have a serious talk with your trainer and possible consider another one. Living in Phoenix makes one very aware of the dangers of heat because we live and work in those temperatures 4-5 months out of the year. It sounds like you were pushed to the point of heat stroke and it can be very dangerous. We avoid it by drinking huge quantities of water and by pacing ourself so we don't overheat. We also take breaks the moment we start feeling off. You should call off the workout or do it at a time of day when the temperature isn't so high.

[Rachel]

Hi Dena, thank you. I plan on having a discussion with my trainer Thursday. I need to set boundaries and I will let her know the gym room we trained in was way too hot and the tempo was too fast.

I ordered meds last night for a 3 P.M. pickup today. I ordered 6 refills. Two were needles and syringes. I got a call my scripts were delayed today. This is usual because of the needles and syringes they get conformation from my doctor. So tomorrow I will get the call to pick up the scripts at 3 PM. So far so good. I saw a Pride message at  work that WBC will be picketing in front of Mazzoni tomorrow ( I get my prescriptions from the Mazzoni pharmacy. So I will be there tomorrow). The gayborhood is organizing a human shield to allow the trans (mostly) and LGB access to Mazzoni. Tomorrow will be interesting. It is very cool to have a community

McGinn and Bowers are helping fund the WBC anti-campaign. Again, way cool

[Rachel]

51 days until FFS with Dr. Spiegel. The surgery is paid for; I used a new credit card with 0% interest for 18 months to pay for 45% of the costs. .

I have a formal event to attend for work about a month after FFS. The COO wore a pants suit ( only one) last year but I will not wear a pants suit. I am thinking a purple dress . This will be the first time I will be wearing a dress. I can bring a date but have no one to ask . The event will be at the Curtis Center and I am very excited to be there. It is among the worlds best music schools.

[Fresas con Nata]

This will be the first time I will be wearing a dress.

I would suggest not to do that. I think it would be better to get used to wearing a dress so that day you'd be able to be yourself and not care about the dress. "get used to wearing a dress??" Yes I know it's not a big deal, but it's a formal event after all and I don't think it would be positive if something unexpected (but pretty normal for a cis) happened and you didn't know how to handle it, or handled it in a non-cis/non-natural way.

[Rachel]

Fresas con Nata, thank you very much. I think you are correct. I think I will wear a dress at work when I return to work the end of September.

I was at group tonight and a new member was there. He offered some outstanding advise. I had mentioned I am about 40 days from my divorce being finalized and 50 days from ffs. I said while watching the convention last night with my wife and daughter I had a surreal moment. I thought in 40 days I will be divorced and 50 days I will look different and I do not know what I will look like. It is an odd feeling, not knowing. He spoke for a while. He said he transitioned 10 years ago (just moved to Philly a month ago). He went to his Rabbi (who was supportive) and discussed his transition and the desire to have top surgery. He was surprised, the Rabbi was supportive and said do you need it? Do you need it to complete your soul. He said he thought long and hard and decided to not have top surgery and that he is comfortable with his body now that he is in a supportive community (Philly). He said he is now glad with his decision.

I was thinking about what he said. My path differs from his. I do not see myself in a mirror, I see a reminder of my past. I dislike how I look but does it rise to a need and complete my soul ( I do not believe in a soul). I need food and water and shelter more than FFS. Since I have those, I focus on how I am different than how I feel. At work I am surrounded by woman and I feel so bad about my appearance, but is it a need? I can not say for sure but I think I will feel much better about myself and I am doing it for me and not someone else. When someone looks at me I want them to see me. Even though I do not know what I will look like but it will be female and that will be a very good thing, I am sure.

I had a discussion with my trainer and she understood. Tonight's workout was much better, still tough but in a cooler room and with longer breaks.

[JLT1]

Hey,

For two years, I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror.  I hated it, it wasn't me.  It was something, some mask, someone else, but it wasn't me.  I shaved in the shower.  I avoided having my picture taken.  I avoided even looking at  my hair, even though it was growing in quite nicely.  My face was one of the two biggest sources of dysphoria I had.

Ten days after FFS, after the longest surgery Dr Z had ever done, after the bandages came off, I  saw me for the first time in my life.  I was swollen, shaved bones hurt, a huge scar was on top.  I was bruised and still had some beard growth.  But I was me.  The strangest thing that has ever happened to me.

It's now 27 months later.  I still smile when I  look in the mirror.  I'm not perfect, but I  am me. 

I hope you have something similar.

Hugs

Jen

[Rachel]

Hi Jen, thank you. It helps to know others that have similar experiences and feelings. I shave in the shower too . The day after I started RLE I booked McGinn for GCS. Then two months later I booked Spiegel for FFS. Next, I added a BA with McGinn when I have my GCS. The BA is for vanity and I want to be a size C. I can not wait to see what my face will look like.

49 days till FFS

I took my Wife and Daughter to the Camden aquarium today. It was my daughters 13th time there ( she loves the place). Then we went to old City Philly for lunch. There is a Mexican place on 3rd and Chestnut that is "inexpensive" and has fantastic food Next to Franklin ice cream shop and then their candy chop by Front and Market.  Nice day

[Rachel]

Money or lack of it and thoughts

I continue to sell stuff and save what I can to fund procedures. I have FFS funded, 1/2 is on a 18 month 0% credit card. $13,000 of the $22,000 owed will be from an IRS medical deduction. The remaining $9,000 I will fund from selling much of my collections of stuff.

This sounds good but then there is the BA and GCS. It is covered by insurance but I need to pay ahead of the procedure and get reimbursed after the procedure. So I will have paid $87,000. I need about $40,000 for the BA and GCS including food, lodging and paying for a support person. I thought to get a swing loan on my 403B but would need my wife's signature (fat chance). My divorce is due to be finalized within the next month or so. In which I can sign the form as single and get the swing loan. Else, I can fund 1/2 and charge half but Papillion charges 3% on the charge. Which is $600.

Assuming I get the swing loan I will start finalizing hair restoration in March 2017 ( insurance covers it) and then voice and Adam's apple (insurance covers it). I will be mostly done before July 1, 2017. Without the swing loan I will need to charge the procedures and pay the charge when the insurance pays. This may slow things up. I need to be complete and reimbursement filed prior to July 1, 2017 or I will need to pay a $2,500 deductible.

Thoughts -  I have this reoccurring thoughts while I am in bed just before sleep about FFS. What if the procedure goes well but I look male? Can I take the disappointment? So far everything in my transition felt awesome when I did it after I settled in. Suppose with FFS I do not get the same results and it feels wrong? I am sure I want FFS and I feel I need it to feel better about myself and "breath easier" about how I look but what happens after FFS if I do not want the results FFS provides or I look like I had plastic surgery? I think, what will I look like? Will I be attractive?  Will I spiral into more procedures and end up looking like I had plastic surgery. I have seen a lot of before and after pictures of Dr. Spiegel's work and I like the results. I just hope he can do similar for me. Will I be able to step back from the medication and think and not rationalize the situation and take it as directed and flush the unused ASAP? I know, relax and breath.

[CarlyMcx]

I have not had FFS myself but everyone I know who has had it has been happy with it.  Stop worrying.

I am curious about one thing:  What insurance company are you with that pays for VFS?