MTF in need of help

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Good. You seem like you're in a good emotional place following the surgery. All surgeries are tough psychologically but plastic surgeries especially so.

Walking is good. I did a lot of that right after my surgery and I think it helped me heal. It certainly helped me mentally. You'd think lazing around in bed for a week would make me happy but I couldn't wait to break out of that room.

Here's hoping you get a pass on that stress test. I look at your life and you've been tested with plenty of stress- I think you passed!

[MaryXYX]

They do like to have you on your feet pretty quickly these days.  When I had my Gender Confirmation Surgery - in the morning - I was plodding slowly along the corridor in the evening.  A girl maybe a third my age had hers the same morning.  She was still lying on her bed groaning several days later.

Do get plenty of rest, but not all day and all night!

[Rachel]

Hi AnxiethDisorder3r and Mary. Thank you for your support. I think exercise, within reason,  does so much good for your overall health. After GCS thought it may be a while before I am back fully.

Mazzoni got the Jefferson test results and the Cardiologists write up (2  pages) about the stress test and basically it said I am stable. They will fax the packet of information to them tonight. Fingers are crossed Crystal will approve the tests.

I did 6 flights of stairs today and I think I will do the same tomorrow. I can open my mouth 2 fingers as of this morning. That makes a huge difference.

If I get past the stress test hurdle then next is paying for the operation and letting my wife know it is happening ( she knows but not exactly when).

I am getting out of the fog that has had me since the operation. I am thinking positive thoughts.

[Rachel]

Thursday I went to my therapists. She said my face looks female and a lot younger. She also said my skin looked much brighter and that my features look very soft. She was a bit curious why my left side of my face heals quicker and why I needed more mandible work on my left side.  Also , why my right side has more inflammation. She does research at her day job. For example, when they took the stiches out from my forehead lowering my left side was healed ( 7 days). My right side still is in the process of healing ( 14 days).

I had been given the ok to stay at home when released from the hospital from my BA and GCS. My sister said she would not stay at my house if my wife was still there. She said she would not hold back and it would be ugly. I said  I would rent rooms in New Hope. She said OK. Last night when I confirmed she said I should stay at her house for the week. I agreed. She is about 10 minutes further in driving time from her house than mine to Papillion.

I did not go to group Thursday. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep so I went home after my therapy session. Also, I feel I want to have my swelling down a bit more and the right side of my forehead lowering scab to be 100% healed.  Also, I would like to have my brows done too. I waited for that moment for a long time.

Friday on the way home from work Mazzoni called me and said they faxed the files to Papillion's office (Dr. McGinn). A few minutes later Carol from Dr. McGinn's office called and said they received the files. On Fridays after lunch Papillion puts the phones on messaging so they can prepare for the following Monday. They monitor the web messages. When Carol called she said she wanted to call to put my mind at ease. Now, will they accept what the cardiologist said and accept that a stress test is not needed.

[Rachel]

I am pretty happy with my forehead and orbital work. The fat graphs I was told will take 2 months to deflate and reflate. So I need to hold judgement. My upper lip is regaining feeling. Drinking with a straw needs to be done on the side of my mouth now because I can not get suction if the straw in in the center of my lips. I am really glad I had the lower, mid and blethoplasty face lift. My jaws are still swollen so I hope that works out. I really wanted my jowls to be flush. Right now they are not and I am not happy about that.  My eyes are more almond now than before which is ok. My skin looks good. When I eat my mouth gets sore. I still have a lot of stiches in my mouth and behind my head. I do not look pretty. I look like my old self without the male features  .

When I got home from Boston I sat on the edge of my bed and tears just came rolling down my face. One week later and I am disappointed but still have some optimism. If the jowls go away I will be much happier. Still not pretty but happier. If not I will get that corrected.

I have GCS and a BA in 6 weeks. I need a graph for GCS. Dr. McGinn pointed to an area above where my penis is and said you are lucky you have extra skin there ( a benefit from at one time weighing 327 pounds and now 200). She said a complication would be if the graph dies. Then she said but I think I can do it. What would happen if the graph died? The question rang in my head but I did not ask the question. I think I can do it was said in a confident way but still. I guess complications can happen with any operation. Perhaps she said that so it would be in the consultation notes and it was discussed.

I know now that opioids give me an acid stomach. So anti-acids are a must.  I just sleep on opioids.  I lost two days when in the hospital in Boston. Also, I was in a fog for 1.5 weeks after the operation. Was it the anesthesia or opioids or both.

[Maybebaby56]

Thursday I went to my therapists. She said my face looks female and a lot younger. She also said my skin looked much brighter and that my features look very soft. She was a bit curious why my left side of my face heals quicker and why I needed more mandible work on my left side.  Also , why my right side has more inflammation. She does research at her day job. For example, when they took the stiches out from my forehead lowering my left side was healed ( 7 days). My right side still is in the process of healing ( 14 days).

Hi Rachel,

The aftercare nurse I had said this was not uncommon.  A lot of people have a "stronger" and "weaker" side, and bruising, swelling, and healing will occur at different rates on each side of the body.  I am 17 days post-op and I have noticed that with my own face (I had FFS on Sept. 15th with Dr. Zukowski).

~Terri

[Maybebaby56]

I am pretty happy with my forehead and orbital work. The fat graphs I was told will take 2 months to deflate and reflate. So I need to hold judgement. My upper lip is regaining feeling. Drinking with a straw needs to be done on the side of my mouth now because I can not get suction if the straw in in the center of my lips. I am really glad I had the lower, mid and blethoplasty face lift. My jaws are still swollen so I hope that works out. I really wanted my jowls to be flush. Right now they are not and I am not happy about that.  My eyes are more almond now than before which is ok. My skin looks good. When I eat my mouth gets sore. I still have a lot of stiches in my mouth and behind my head. I do not look pretty. I look like my old self without the male features  .

When I got home from Boston I sat on the edge of my bed and tears just came rolling down my face. One week later and I am disappointed but still have some optimism. If the jowls go away I will be much happier. Still not pretty but happier. If not I will get that corrected.

I have GCS and a BA in 6 weeks. I need a graph for GCS. Dr. McGinn pointed to an area above where my penis is and said you are lucky you have extra skin there ( a benefit from at one time weighing 327 pounds and now 200). She said a complication would be if the graph dies. Then she said but I think I can do it. What would happen if the graph died? The question rang in my head but I did not ask the question. I think I can do it was said in a confident way but still. I guess complications can happen with any operation. Perhaps she said that so it would be in the consultation notes and it was discussed.

I know now that opioids give me an acid stomach. So anti-acids are a must.  I just sleep on opioids.  I lost two days when in the hospital in Boston. Also, I was in a fog for 1.5 weeks after the operation. Was it the anesthesia or opioids or both.

Please don't despair. I have had some similar experiences, so I know how tough it is. I think a lot of girls make these laundry lists of all the procedures they want, and kind of gloss over how difficult recovery can be.  I fell into that trap, I think.

I also had a fat graft to my upper lip as well as upper lip reduction, and for several days it was hard to even keep my mouth closed. I looked like a squirrel. Straws are still difficult for me to use.

I would say out of all the procedures I had done, the chin contouring/face/neck lift was the most persistently painful/uncomfortable.  The pain around my ears made it impossible to sleep without narcotic pain meds. Last night (day 16) was the first time I didn't have to use my Vicodin to get to sleep.  I have to wear a compression garment around my face 16 hours a day, and sleep, or even laying my head on a pillow, has been uncomfortable.  The drum-tight feeling in my throat is weird and I'm constantly aware of it.

I have the same problem with the sutures in my mouth.  Eating solid food tires my jaw, and I hate the feeling of trapped food around the sutures. I ate almost nothing for the first few days, and slowly graduated to a lot soup and smoothies, lol. I lost over 15 pounds the first two weeks.

Unfortunately, swelling around the neck and jaw is the last to resolve.  I have a very square face right now, and it's certainly not the look I was going for. I was told it will take a couple of months or more before I see noticeable improvement. However, my face already looks decidedly feminine, without any makeup, and that was the whole point.

Hang in there, girl.  You're doing so much so soon it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed sometimes. It took me about two weeks to feel like a normal person, and I still don't have a lot of stamina.

With kindness,

Terri

[Rachel]

Hi Terri, thank you very much, That puts my fears at bay. I too am swollen on my mandible/chin area. If that went down then I could see how my face overall looked. Presently, my upper face looks feminine.

Today I found a staple left behind while at work. I told one of my staff. He appeared back in a few minutes and sniped the staple in half. When removing the 1st half of the staple. I said it hurt. He said shut up and keep your head still. Well the staple was removed.

Today is the end of the 90 day cooling off period for divorce. My wife just gave me the two papers to sign to be sent to the court requesting divorce after the 90 day cooling off period. I signed them and now it is just a matter of time and I will be divorced. That was part 5 of 5.

Dr McGunn's office sent in the form to Aetna on 9/30 without the out of network provider form. Which means 70% is covered until the annual $2500 deductible is met. I would exceed that even with the 10% in network so I guess they accepted the cardiac assessment and I am set.  Now I need to get the certified checks made.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today but not group.

I had FFS and look feminine. I feel that I do not fit anywhere. Not at work, home or in our community. When I had FFS I thought I would feel more like I fit in, in community and at work (home is a lost cause). I still feel distant and not like the others. FFS did not help me to feel better about who I am. I do feel better that I am more aligned. I would do it again; I would just know it does not change how I feel about myself.

My therapist said I have many years not liking my body and I need to spend time looking at myself in the morning and night and reinforce positives about my face. I told my therapist I would go to group but I knew I was going to go home and not group. I just do not fit there. Going to group will not make me fit it. I want to go to group. I have friends there but I do not fit.

I am working Outfest in Philly Sunday. I have a hairpiece consult this Saturday and next Saturday. The work event is next Saturday. I think I will get my brows professionally done.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Note to self, do not cry after FFS.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

It's true, transitioning will not solve deeply rooted self esteem issues. OTOH, not transitioning when you have dysphoria does not exactly make you feel better about yourself. I'm on anti-depressants, fairly low dose, and expect to be for a while. I was made to feel bad and ashamed since childhood for being who I am so that's a lot of damage to overcome.

[Dena]

I never expected the surgeries I had to make me fit in better and if I were to have FFS, I wouldn't expect that to change things. I learned in my group the way you fit in is by doing it. I attended ever group meeting and I was comfortable with any and all of the group members. After surgery, we became interested in trap and talking with the other shooters opened up my world a bit more. Donna decided to start vending and she need slave labor. I may have got the best of it because over the period of a week, I would have discussions with hundreds if not thousands of people. That broke down any remaining discomfort of dealing with others in public.

My advice to you is attend the group, move around in the community and attend the Outfest but plan on having fun and meeting people. Just like coming out, it will be difficult at first but the more you do it, the easer it will become. Do not crawl into a hole and hide from the world as that would be the opposite of what you desire.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Rachel,
   You know I had FFS and it was not terribly satisfying (at least yet). I would say, first off, don't panic. You have every right to have an  adjustment period mentally. Give yourself a little room for things to work out. I suspect you are very tired after what you went through. You also have to be aware that after surgery you can get a bit down. I did. You will bounce back. Don't overthink it at this point. You know we are all with you Hon!
Moni

[Rachel]

Anxietydisorder3r, thank you for your support. I am on anti-depressants too. Dysphoria, I wish I never had it.

Dena, thank you for your support. I definitely will be at Outfest. I am working a table for work and I love to walk around during the event. There is so much to see and lots of people I know. Work has been great. Many woman smile say good morning and hello and even guys say hi and good morning. It is an odd feeling. Before transition I was invisible. After coming out and expressing many people greeted me every day. Now there are so many people it is a bit overwhelming.

Monica, thank you for your support. I am sorry there issues with the FFS. I hope the doctor makes good on the procedures.

I should have stayed out from work 2 weeks after the operation. I definitely was exhausted after work. I am hoping the swelling in my jaw goes down and I have a nice taper. I am satisfied so far allowing for additional jaw swelling to go down.


I really want a male partner. I want to be attractive and have someone love me for being myself. "I want to fit in". I guess at work things will settle down and I will just be like everyone else when people lose their attention and find something else to focus on. It is definitely unnerving to receive so much attention. My friends, I hope will treat me as myself and not different. I will find out next week at group.

I will get a hair piece or wig this week or next. Time for some light makeup.

My therapist said 90% of attraction is about confidence. It is about what you are thinking when you look at the other person and how you look at them. 10% is about looks. I need to fake it till I make it (Amy Cutty).

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I had a dream that I would wake up and I wasn't transgender, that being trans was a dream because it's so weird, having a rare condition like this doesn't seem like me, I'm so ordinary.

I've been like this my whole life but I guess in my mind, this is not me!

[Rachel]

Hi AnxietyDisorder3r, thank you for your support.

Tonight my daughter said some things about my transition. She said my face is one thing (meaning FFS was not as big of an issue) but if I have more things done like boobs or other things then it is not fair. Then she said, Mom is not lesbian and should not be married to a woman. She said I know you need to be yourself but it is not fair we are in the same house. I said the divorce decree will arrive this week or next and then we are not married. I did not share her mother is dragging her feet in not allowing an appraiser to come and appraise the house. We later agreed it can be done next week.

I will need to share the time line for my GCS and BA. It is known I will do it but the date is unknown. I will share that later this week with my wife / ex-wife. I will be at my sisters Thanksgiving week after GCS/BA. I guess my wife then could have her sister over for thanksgiving dinner since I will not be home.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Rachel,
   I get the feeling your daughter is still hoping you and your ex will reconcile. It would not be surprising. I don't know but as long as you haven't had the surgery, she may figure there is hope for that  to happen. I hope at some point she will understand your situation better.
Moni

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, I think my daughter wants me to postpone my surgical procedures until my wife buys a condo and moves out. They are too uncomfortable to see me.

I received a call from Papillion on the way home from work. They recommend I pay the anesthesia and Hospital up front because it is discounted; then have my insurance reimburse me. Aetna already sent me a letter (received yesterday) that the GCS and BA is covered.

I have not received the divorce decree in the mail yet?

I get my wig fitted and cut tomorrow. I will also have them do my eyebrows. I have makeup for the work event  tomorrow. I will wear a dress for the first time .

I worked the Outfest event in the Gayborhood last Saturday. It was nice.

Last night I went to Group. I am so glad I did. There are some really nice and supportive people there. I shared after FFS I dumped the oxi in the toilet and did not take any. Also, I explained I had impulses to take the 40 pills at once. I was looking at that bottle off and on for 5 days. I wrestled with which way to go. I came to the conclusion I really want to live. I am starting to get excited with being me.  Although my life will be much different and I am now challenged to find avenues to find someone that will love me for me. I really think if could work out pretty well.

I am starting to get excited for the BA/GCS.

 

[Rachel]

I went to my therapists and group tonight.

My ex/wife knows I will have a GCS and BA but not when. I will tell her tomorrow. I am stressed out about it and ate a lot today.

I will be at my sisters for a week and she wants me to stay 2 weeks, It will be through Thanksgiving. My ex/wife will have our daughter for company.

I am not afraid ( of just a little ) of GCS or BA I feel something else. It is an odd feeling I can not place. It is an uneasiness. I really do not look forward to recovery and the pain. I am apprehensive about going back to work after. I feel shy about guys looking at my breasts.

[MaryXYX]

It's time to girl up and be strong.  Like so many before you, you can do it.  After GCS you will know you are vulnerable, this is part of life for a woman and we live with it.  After BA you are likely to find men talk to your breasts instead of your face.  Again we live with it, and with our opinions not being as important as they used to be.

You don't need to flaunt your breasts, but don't be ashamed of them.  You are a woman and you can be proud of that.  There are many successful women in a man's world and you will be one of them.

Does your ex need to know when you are having the procedures?  Or could you just tell her afterwards?

[Rachel]

Hi Mary, thank you for the support. My ex still lives with me. I can not just go missing for 2 or 3 weeks. I am stressing over this. I should tell her tonight.

I know I need to be strong but it is easier said than done. Being cis or trans has nothing to do about being confident and secure to the point I can just explain what is going on.