MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Hi Dena and Mariah, your tips and suggestions are really appreciated and they help a lot, thank you.

today I had a 9:00 A.M. appointment with Dr. McGinn. I was there a few minutes early and Brianna took my sister and I to one of their exam rooms. Brianna asked me to take everything off below the waist and cover with a paper product. She came in the exam room a few minutes later and removed the 4 drains and all the exterior packing. She wanted to wait for Dr. McGinn who was a few minutes late. Dr. McGinn and Chrystal entered the room and Dr McGinn said her chickens knocked over the feeder and watering whatever. So Dr.Mc Ginn was in the room with Chrystal and Brianna, both her PA-c's. Chrystal said this is like her first procedure (Chrystal has been with Dr.McGinn since she starter her Practice in New Hope). Dr McGinn  Said she thinks I am intersexed because every part of my anatomy is different and nothing is typical, even my urethra.  She said it will not make a difference in your outcome. She said my penis skin was "wimpy and had no blood flow and was white". She said she did not split it but attached it to the graph hoping it would survive.

Dr. Mcginn opened up the incisions and she and her two PA's were smiling and happy and Dr. McGinn said she that was great work and I did it, or something to that effect. Dr. McGinn stitched my labia up.

Dr. McGinn and Brianna reinserted a new catheter and Brianna showed me how to dilate and that I am to dilate, as per Dr. McGinn,  3 times a day not the 5 times a day due to the sensitivity of the graph.

When she showed me how to dilate  I saw my vagina and was a bit taken back. I am 5 inches in depth. I finally have an anatomy that is "normal". I dilated once since then and even though it looks all stitched and raw it is mine and I am happy. My older sister said as we were driving home, I definitely have a sister now, no question about it.

I almost forgot. Dr. McGinn said I know you are concerned about your BA and we really need to have your GCS heal because you are now introducing bacteria into your body when you dilate and your implants will find the bacteria or the bacteria will find the implants and and it will not be a good outcome. I can fit you in when your GCS is healed and it is a procedure that can happen on a Wednesday and be back to work on a Monday.

They also discussed my blood pressure and how I must be one of those people that just has low blood pressure. The cardiologist said your hart is fine. 

[Denise]

I just starting reading this thread (blog 😀) thanks for everything.  It's wonderful.  Please consider turning it in to a book or maybe a short/, long story from start to finish.  Your journey is very interesting and helpful.

I'm glad you like McGinn.  I saw a piece on TV about 6 months ago about her and she became my instant hero and idol. 

I'm also glad everything is going so well.

Hugs from the Midwest.

- Denise

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[Rachel]

Hi Denise, thank you for you kind words and support. There are things people do not know about Dr. McGinn. An example is when the Whitehall Baptist Church picketed outside the Mazzoni Center ( they treat many thousands of trans including me) during the Democratic National Convention this summer. She sponsored the counter protest. There were so many trans on the Mazzoni side of the sidewalk and we made so much noise they got discouraged and left early.

I showered after my last dilation and it felt awesome. I was told to not put water into or put my fingers inside my vagina to clean it. I was told to just allow water to flow onto the front of my tummy area and let it run down.

I forgot to mention Dr. McGinn did not use the speculum today and wanted to delay that until the  appointment on Thanksgiving.  I am restricted to bed rest still. I am tired of laying down.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   What is the hardest part of laying down so much? Is it the tailbone? Do you have to lay in one position or can you shift around pretty good? I am picturing the laying in one position as being harder than dealing with the pain. You know why I am asking.
Moni

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, when I was in the OR I woke with an awful lower back pain. it was really painful. Dr McGinn did not want to administer any morphine. She then allowed 1cc which did nothing. Then another 1cc of morphine which took the edge off. I asked to have my back raised and there was a lot of discussion about blood pressure and raising my back. Anyhow, they raised my back and he pain immediately went away and my blood pressure went up. then back to where it was previously. GCS was a zero pain and concern.

in the PACU for half a day I was not really thinking about my GCS. I had to have my legs positioned a certain way and feet straight up because if the graph and being stitched closed and not to put shear stress on the stitches, as I was told. In the PACU my hands and arms were cold and had pins and needles. Because of the low blood pressure. It went to 57 over 40 and they were worried. I had really low potassium and low sodium, calcium and magnesium.

I was moved to ICU for a Day and a half. I was given minerals IV. Potassium really hurts. During the potassium mixed with IV injection which was 8 hours for the two bags. I could only think of the IV. I had ice on my arm and again GCS and leg position was not a concern. My blood pressure went to 90-98 to 52-60. They were not happy but realized that was normal for me. Brianna from Dr. Mc Ginn's office came to see me in ICU. She mentioned my feet needed to be a little more vertical. I tried to keep them vertical but it was difficult and I just had them on an angle.

I was moved to the 4th floor for a day and a half where Dr. McGinn's patients are sent too. Dr. Leis's patients are sent to the third floor. There I walked 2 times with a walker and on Friday without a walker. There time slowed down and being in bed seamed forever. I was finally able to eat solid food for two meals but I stopped pain meds and threw up my last meal there. My back was fine but being in the same position really gets old. The only thing I could do is raise and lower the bed for my back and watch TV. My Back did not hurt but it was just boredom. You get to see the Butterfly florescent light cover which is nicer than the regular light cover. It gets that boring.

I went to my sisters but I was not told I could not have caffeine or sit for eating (I has one diet soda). I laid in a recliner or a sofa or bed. So I have plenty of variety of scenery and things to watch. I am by a wood stove right now on a leather sofa looking out their back. Prior to being opened up at Dr. McGinns yesterday it was very painful to sit and eat (I was not supposed to do that) and getting up and down was painful and getting stuff off the floor was very painful. Again I was not supposed to do that and I did not know.

After yesterdays appointment I am a new woman all the pain from moving around is gone. I am allowed to sit when I eat. Dilating which I thought would be painful is not. I was told that later there will be swelling but as of yet there is no swelling to speak of.

So laying in a bed can get tedious but when you have distractions and change of scenery it helps. Also typing on Susan's helps too 🙂 I am board and really want to do something different.

I really miss my walks at night and walking steps at work. I walk 5 plus miles a  day and really miss not walking. I love my walks in the park on Saturday and Sunday and working out in the gym. It is all worth it and relative.

[MaryXYX]

Keep going Rachel, you are doing well!  I found dilation quite uncomfortable, specially at first, but not painful.  Later it's more tedious.  I do feel you are an encouragement to the sisters who are yet to have the procedure.

[Rachel]

Hi Mary, thanks. Dilating, I am super carful to do it exactly the way I was shown. I am worried I will damage something especially my graph. Dilating feels odd, not good or bad or painful just different. There is just a minor amount of pain at the end of where the dilator touches. 

[Mariah]

That was my concern and Dena was like you can do it harder than that, but in the end I think we all agreed that being more careful was the safer route. So much better to go slow and steady tell your body adjusts than hurried and injuring something. It's normal for that minor amount of pain and every time you increase sizes it will reoccur i have noticed so far. Hugs
Mariah

Hi Mary, thanks. Dilating, I am super carful to do it exactly the way I was shown. I am worried I will damage something especially my graph. Dilating feels odd, not good or bad or painful just different. There is just a minor amount of pain at the end of where the dilator touches.

[Rachel]

Hi Mariah, Congratulations on Senior Global Moderator. Thank you for your support. I agree, I will continue to dilate as I was directed to. They had a specific concerne to not pull the dilator out and create a vacuum and damage the graft.

I forgot to mention yesterday but I started bowl movements again. The important thing is to slowly sit on the seat and not to put a separating force. I did that and when I wiped there was some fresh blood where the skin opened up a little. It healed over today and today I did not have that issue again.

My clitoris is exposed so I was told to put a pad under the catheter line and tape it so it does not cut off circulation to the clitoris. Today I have a little swelling of the area around the clitoris, which was expected. 

I can feel a bump where they put the excess nerve bundle in the mons pubis. It is a little bit sore to the touch and when I move.

I am feeling stronger today and look forward to my appointment with Dr.McGinn tomorrow. I want the catheter out and hope it goes away tomorrow.

[Mariah]

Thanks and your welcome. It will be out before you know it. You don't want it out to soon because it is helping you heal and keeping things protected against all the work that has been done. Hugs
Mariah

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Rachel Lynn, you really strike me as an overachiever and it seems like enforced inactivity is like torture for you. Hopefully you can get some work done on your computer soon and still let stuff heal? Sorry to hear about the blood pressure drama because that sounds like no fun at all.

How did you feel when the doctor said they thought you were intersex? I feel like it would be such a mental relief if a doctor were to tell me I'm intersex. At this point I'm completely convinced I'm not. Intersex traits of some degree are very common in the FTM community so I feel somewhat weird and left out and sometimes wonder why this happened to me. I tried so long to be happy as a masculine woman but it was only half a life.

[Rachel]

Hi Anxietyisorder3rd, thank you for your support.

How I feel about being intersex? I was emotional when in private and when I spoke to my therapist yesterday. The feeling I had about having the wrong genitals was very strong and I cried many of nights but I have heard that from many trans too. I now had the answer I was looking for for so many years.  My therapist said something I do not understand and may have been a bit insensitive. She said the feeling you were having was not because there was anything wrong with your brain it was because of how you are. I think she then said something that was confusing and insensitive. I know she did not mean what she said and she was trying to console me. Most likely I did not remember it correctly. I am not going to put what she said here but I am confused about it.

When I first went to Mazzoni (my primary care that treats many thousands of trans) I asked my PA-c. Dusty said if you are it does not change anything. What difference would it make? I too at that time thought like you. It would explain everything and I could use it as a reason for being the way I am. Since then I accepted myself and after the initial shock it is of little meaning at this stage of my transition. I am comfortable with who I am. It really does not change anything. Dusty is right.

There are physical as well and mental differences that are associated with being intersex. Most likely I am mosaic. Anyhow, there are things that are typical that intersex people share. I have all those xxy similar mental similarities. It is what makes me me. You have to take the whole and it is not just anotomy related.

I saw Dr. McGinn today(thanksgiving) in her office. I still am on bed rest and have a catheter. During the visit she said she is not going to open me up on the bottom yet. I wonder if that is going to happen at my next appointment on Monday? She gave me a beautiful butterfly wing necklace that all the GCS patients receive. I am wearing it now. At the Giant by Dr. McGinn's office I picked up a tray off mixed cookies and two boxes of chocolate covered pretzels. She had just herself in the office and two of her children. She put them in the office with her children and they were having a ball.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Rachel

[Rachel]

I am back home. I see DR. McGinn again om Monday. I did not have the penile inversion method because my penile skin was not long, would need to be split to get a dilator through and it turned white from lack of blood flow. I have a graph from my scrotum and the sight is very different than any I have seen and not complete. I have been taking pictures of the area each day since Monday when I was opened up. I do not know if it will help someone else or where to post all the pictures when the procedures are finally done.

When I look at my vagina I can not help but think it is a project in process and to remain calm. The nerve bundle is sore. When I mentioned the nerve bundle is very sensitive to Dr. Mcginn Monday she said oh yeah.

Dilation is becoming a routine.

My vaginal area was getting a whitish color so I did not wear underwear or a pad last night and that helped heaps. So today I am also not wearing anything under the covers. I am on a chuck so there is no messy issues.

If anyone knows if wearing a pad after dilating and having that area wet for prolonged times is wrong or if wearing nothing to dry out the area is the right thing to do then please let me know.

best,
Rachel

[Dena]

I wore a pad for a couple of months after surgery to catch the mess as there was bleeding and pus for a couple of months after surgery that I didn't want on my clothes. I change the pads when ever they started to get moist so the area remained dry. Sleeping without a pad would be ok if you don't have a problem with the mess however it comes down to whatever works for you.

[mm]

 Rachel Lynn. keeping the area dry the best you can, is the best in the long run, better and faster healing.

[Mariah]

Rachel Lynn it takes time. The color of mine has improved over time and yours will too as it heals. Still the pads will help keep you dry and clean which is very important. Hugs
Mariah

I am back home. I see DR. McGinn again om Monday. I did not have the penile inversion method because my penile skin was not long, would need to be split to get a dilator through and it turned white from lack of blood flow. I have a graph from my scrotum and the sight is very different than any I have seen and not complete. I have been taking pictures of the area each day since Monday when I was opened up. I do not know if it will help someone else or where to post all the pictures when the procedures are finally done.

When I look at my vagina I can not help but think it is a project in process and to remain calm. The nerve bundle is sore. When I mentioned the nerve bundle is very sensitive to Dr. Mcginn Monday she said oh yeah.

Dilation is becoming a routine.

My vaginal area was getting a whitish color so I did not wear underwear or a pad last night and that helped heaps. So today I am also not wearing anything under the covers. I am on a chuck so there is no messy issues.

If anyone knows if wearing a pad after dilating and having that area wet for prolonged times is wrong or if wearing nothing to dry out the area is the right thing to do then please let me know.

best,
Rachel

[Rachel]

Thank you Dena, mm and Mariah, it really helps to be able to get advise thank you.

I am using less lube when I dilate and using a paper towel to press lightly on the vagina after dilation to get some of the moisture. I wear pads during the day and change when needed. I think I was using too much lube and the pad was getting very wet and being in contact with the vagina until I checked next. At night I am not wearing a pad and am laying on a chuck (adsorbent waterproof large pad) that catches everything and allows good air flow. My vagina looks much better now.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Rachel,
  You are 11 days postop. Can I ask how much you stay on your feet. How much walking do you do if any? Is your appetite back to normal?
   Thanks!
Moni

[Mariah]

I wouldn't short change on the lube though because it can be more difficult to get them in and even make things raw by not having enough lube on the dilator. Fact is your going to want as much lube as you can the bigger the size of the dilator is that your using. A lesson I learned quickly and Dena was there to keep preaching it tell I got that. It didn't take long either and I'm glad she did, so glad she did. Hugs
Mariah

Thank you Dena, mm and Mariah, it really helps to be able to get advise thank you.

I am using less lube when I dilate and using a paper towel to press lightly on the vagina after dilation to get some of the moisture. I wear pads during the day and change when needed. I think I was using too much lube and the pad was getting very wet and being in contact with the vagina until I checked next. At night I am not wearing a pad and am laying on a chuck (adsorbent waterproof large pad) that catches everything and allows good air flow. My vagina looks much better now.

[Dena]

One little thing that I learned from Mariah is the name of a better better jelly to use in dilation. This stuff is thicker that the store brands so it stays on the dilator better and you need less to get the job done. In addition, if you buy it in the 12 pack, it comes out to about $1.30 a tube. The store brand was costing me about 3 times that much.