MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

I had a homework assignment from Dr. McGinn's office when I was last there 4 weeks ago. I go there 5/15/2017, next Monday and I was stressing over the assignment which was to have an orgasm. Last night I completed my assignment . I would like to share my experience:

I had lost all desire for sex about 1 year prior to GCS. I am 5 months 3 weeks post op. I had my whole glands penis used for my clitoris (it is small) and it fits well between my lips. I have a feeling like sexual arousal when I walk or stand. I did not know that prior to last night.

I purchased a small smooth, medium anatomical with rabbit and larger and longer anatomical dildoes. I had been trying to find my prostate and rub it with the dildo. There was some pleasure but nothing earth shattering. Last night I noticed my clitoris became very much less sensitive and rubbing the labia majoria and minora between my clitoris was extremely pleasurable. I was also rubbing my nipples. Then the desire to rub relatively hard and fast between my clitoris came on. A thought that I may damage my clitoris came to mind (it is definitely a robust sex organ and had no issue afterwards)  Then sensation became overpowering. I had a deep vaginal orgasm . It was wonderful.

Now I want to repeat the process and have been thinking of it off and on all day. The sleeper has awaken

On another note, I was able to put my name on my bank account, debit and credit card today. My wife finally signed the form.

[JLT1]

Congrats!!

Envious...😇

Hugs,

Jen

[Rachel]

Hi Jen, thanks.

Monday is my labiaplasty (clitoral hood) and we pick a date for my BA. I have similar feelings I felt when I had FFS. I feel somewhat embarrassed and shy about coming to work and looking so different. I want the BA so I have a more feminine figure. I am doing this for me. It is as if everything I do to be me takes so much mental change in how I think people see me. I definitely am out of my comfort zone, again.

It was the second Friday of the month and we had a lunchtime get-together. My friend I have known for 29 years said to me you are really becoming a woman. His face was sad when he said it. I could not help but feel sad and at the same time happy.

I have been off my SSRI for about a month. I have been experiencing much more emotions and feeling. Sometimes it get a little overwhelming. The feelings pass so I know I just need to let it pass.

I have been thinking about the next chapter in my life. Where to live and how to get out and socialize more.

The pre-approved domestic relation orders for my pension and 403B  were sent to the mediator. She will get us on the court docket for finalizing the divorce. 

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   Congratulations on the big 'O'. I was thinking back to when you and I first talked. You were looking forward to FFS and asking questions about my surgery. Now you go for labiaplasty Monday and I go for my GCS pre-op. I thank you so much for all you have shared. I must admit to being terribly afraid that something will be found that stops my surgery. I really don't know what happens if I get a bad answer. Fear is a big thing with all the surgeries, before and after. You can be proud of all you have accomplished. Good luck to you!
Moni

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, Thank you for your support. I hope to see you there at Papillion; my appointment is 10:30. I am excited for you. I remember the excitement and fear before GCS. If you would like someone to visit let me know and I will. I am close to New Hope and Lower Bucks Hospital.

Dr. McGinn performed 4 genitals examinations  each time she said she thought she could do the operation but there is a real possibility the graph would die ( I had atypical genitals and area around the genitals). I was the first intersexed person Brianna saw as a patient and Dr. McGinn was discussing it with her during one genital exam. I ended up in the lower bucks emergency department from the blood test the day of GCS. I spent 2 days in the ICU after GCS. I was on bedrest for 3 weeks and had my catheter in for 2 weeks. I had a 4 inch vaginal depth after the operation and now 5.5 inches. I had a computer monitor thrown on me the night before GCS and I had a huge bruise on my chest; ( I had my hair pulled, a water bottle hit me on the side of my head and I was punched in the head and between my legs). I covered up the best I could. One week after my operation I was closed up (many stitches) and told the graph might not take and that she was concerned. Anything that could go wrong did and I still made it. It is normal to think something can go wrong but you are with professionals. Dr. McGinn and her staff have been so incredibly good and caring to me I can not give enough praise. 

This may sound impossible but the last time I had genital dysphoria was the morning before the operation. I awoke and my genital dysphoria was cured.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Monica, Thank you for your support. I hope to see you there at Papillion; my appointment is 10:30. I am excited for you. I remember the excitement and fear before GCS. If you would like someone to visit let me know and I will. I am close to New Hope and Lower Bucks Hospital.

Dr. McGinn performed 4 genitals examinations  each time she said she thought she could do the operation but there is a real possibility the graph would die ( I had atypical genitals and area around the genitals). I was the first intersexed person Brianna saw as a patient and Dr. McGinn was discussing it with her during one genital exam. I ended up in the lower bucks emergency department from the blood test the day of GCS. I spent 2 days in the ICU after GCS. I was on bedrest for 3 weeks and had my catheter in for 2 weeks. I had a 4 inch vaginal depth after the operation and now 5.5 inches. I had a computer monitor thrown on me the night before GCS and I had a huge bruise on my chest; ( I had my hair pulled, a water bottle hit me on the side of my head and I was punched in the head and between my legs). I covered up the best I could. One week after my operation I was closed up (many stitches) and told the graph might not take and that she was concerned. Anything that could go wrong did and I still made it. It is normal to think something can go wrong but you are with professionals. Dr. McGinn and her staff have been so incredibly good and caring to me I can not give enough praise. 

This may sound impossible but the last time I had genital dysphoria was the morning before the operation. I awoke and my genital dysphoria was cured.

Thank you Rachel. It helps to hear your advice, especially considering we have the same doctor. My pre-op is with my doctor here in Maryland. Funny I am not nervous about the surgery, I have great confidence in Dr. McGinn. I fear that something will stop me from getting there. It was the same fear I had before FFS only I am a year older. I only hope it is just crazy talk on my part. I don't want to be like Olympic runner who trained for years and years, was leading the race, only to get mixed up with another runner's feet right before the finish line and falls. How can someone recover from that? I will be lost if this surgery doesn't happen. I can imagine how scared you were as well.
   I would love to meet you. I will PM you when it gets  closer. Maybe you could come to her recovery house. Don't think I will be up for me making house calls right off, so its up to you, Girl.
   I hope you are away from that abuse. How horrible you went through that.
   I dream of losing that dysphoria. It has gotten worse than ever now that the end might be in sight.
   A wonderful side note! I had an older lady wish me a Happy Mother's Day as I left the restaurant after dinner tonight. It was so sweet. Good luck Monday!
Moni

[Gertrude]

Hi Monica, Thank you for your support. I hope to see you there at Papillion; my appointment is 10:30. I am excited for you. I remember the excitement and fear before GCS. If you would like someone to visit let me know and I will. I am close to New Hope and Lower Bucks Hospital.

Dr. McGinn performed 4 genitals examinations  each time she said she thought she could do the operation but there is a real possibility the graph would die ( I had atypical genitals and area around the genitals). I was the first intersexed person Brianna saw as a patient and Dr. McGinn was discussing it with her during one genital exam. I ended up in the lower bucks emergency department from the blood test the day of GCS. I spent 2 days in the ICU after GCS. I was on bedrest for 3 weeks and had my catheter in for 2 weeks. I had a 4 inch vaginal depth after the operation and now 5.5 inches. I had a computer monitor thrown on me the night before GCS and I had a huge bruise on my chest; ( I had my hair pulled, a water bottle hit me on the side of my head and I was punched in the head and between my legs). I covered up the best I could. One week after my operation I was closed up (many stitches) and told the graph might not take and that she was concerned. Anything that could go wrong did and I still made it. It is normal to think something can go wrong but you are with professionals. Dr. McGinn and her staff have been so incredibly good and caring to me I can not give enough praise. 

This may sound impossible but the last time I had genital dysphoria was the morning before the operation. I awoke and my genital dysphoria was cured.

Who threw a computer monitor on you and hit you? That's bizarre .


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[Rachel]

My soon to be ex-wife threw the monitor at me. I have been living on egg shells for 24 years. 99% of the time things are good 1% of the time it gets tough. I came from a physically and mentally abusive household.

So what did I do to deserve the attack? She said she had no one to talk about what is going on. She will not talk to me about anything trans. I convinced her go to a therapist 6 times until she stopped going saying she has nothing to talk to the therapist about. I recommended she talk to her 2 friends or sister. She got really upset and came after me. I covered up.

[Gertrude]

My soon to be ex-wife threw the monitor at me. I have been living on egg shells for 24 years. 99% of the time things are good 1% of the time it gets tough. I came from a physically and mentally abusive household.

So what did I do to deserve the attack? She said she had no one to talk about what is going on. She will not talk to me about anything trans. I convinced her go to a therapist 6 times until she stopped going saying she has nothing to talk to the therapist about. I recommended she talk to her 2 friends or sister. She got really upset and came after me. I covered up.

Sounds like assault to me. Maybe jail would help. :/


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[Laurie]

Who threw a computer monitor on you and hit you? That's bizarre .

  I would volunteer to throw a monitor at Moni if she thought it would help...

[Gertrude]

  I would volunteer to throw a monitor at Moni if she thought it would help...

I don't think she wanted it and domestic abusers won't stop unless they're locked up. There's nothing noble about co-dependency.


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[Laurie]

I don't think she wanted it and domestic abusers won't stop unless they're locked up. There's nothing noble about co-dependency.

  Trudy,

   No, No, it is not.  Neither are things to be tolerated. I do however believe some abusers can stop and have done so w/o being locked up. It can be symptom of some other problem and when that is resolved the abuse stops. I make no excuse for it, it is not right, but not all who have abused someone in some form need to be locked up. Some need help.

  My remark was in jest to Moni and I believe she knows it was meant in fun. Besides I don't have a passport to go do it. .. shucks!

  Laurie

[Gertrude]

  Trudy,

   No, No, it is not.  Neither are things to be tolerated. I do however believe some abusers can stop and have done so w/o being locked up. It can be symptom of some other problem and when that is resolved the abuse stops. I make no excuse for it, it is not right, but not all who have abused someone in some form need to be locked up. Some need help.

  My remark was in jest to Moni and I believe she knows it was meant in fun. Besides I don't have a passport to go do it. .. shucks!

  Laurie

Considering that she doesn't want to go to therapy, maybe jail would be the wake up call to deal with it.


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[Laurie]

Sorry Trudy,

   I can tell abuse is a touchy subject for you but, you seem to have missed the part that my remark was not to Rachael, but was meant for Moni. I do believe I mentioned Moni in it.

  Laurie

[Gertrude]

Sorry Trudy,

   I can tell abuse is a touchy subject for you but, you seem to have missed the part that my remark was not to Rachael, but was meant for Moni. I do believe I mentioned Moni in it.

  Laurie

Yeah, I did. My apologies. I just have a low tolerance for unjustified violence.


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[Kendra]

Rachel, best wishes for the second part of your GCS tomorrow, and finally being able to get your breast augmentation scheduled. 

I read this entire thread in the past few days and found it incredible.  Your sincere thoughts and experiences have already given strength to many others, and will in the future. 

On March 27, 2017 you said: "I will never pass and I will always look trans. I knew this from the start." 
Even if you had been born Cisgender there are others who will jump to conclusions for their own convenience based on something – your ethnic background, the brand of car you drive, horoscope sign, whatever. 

As you discover, grow and achieve things you previously assumed were impossible, I'll suggest the most important definition of passing is your own.  You might be closer than you realize. 

All the best for tomorrow.

Kendra

[Rachel]

Laurie and Kendra, thank you for your support. I threatened to leave my wife many times after she would do physical violence but I never did. I was exposed to and had physical and verbal violence done to me when young and growing up. I was beaten by a family member to have sex when I was young. It finally stopped when a family friend of my mother saw the marks on my arm and lifted my shirt and saw the hundreds of line bruises from the impressions between the fist fingers. He said it was my fault and that I would go to foster care if I told and that this happened every day there. I felt so incredibly dirty and lived in fear. I slept in my sister's room whenever I could. When Oprah went public about the abuse she endured I received a phone call from him; I think I was in college at the time. He when over what Oprah had happen to her asked if I had anything to say. He repeated it 4 or 5 times. He never apologized, he was scared I would say something. I think the stature of limitations had not run out but perhaps it had. I think he was scared it would impact his marriage and job.  He never said he was sorry. I live with this every day.

Something happens when I am yelled at or physically abused. It is a defense reaction and it is mental as well as physical. My therapist says I am reliving my childhood over and over and I need to break the cycle. When the divorce is final and she moves out it will be over. I will never live with or be with another person. I do not trust my partner judgement, it is faulted. I really am some place else when I had sex with someone, which was not frequent and not fair to them. I do not desire it with another person and will never have sex with another person.

I get the whole Moni thing, it is cute. I hope to run into her tomorrow at Papillion. I am happy for her and wish her the best of luck with her GCS.

Kendra, thank you for the kind words. I hope the hair implants and BA will help. I am awaiting insurance monies from the hair implants to fund VFS. My pitch is good but not quit there. I think a 30 hz lift will help a lot. I may never pass but I am doing my best to erase the male markings. I am much more comfortable in my skin now. I may pass some day. I understand, what you mean about my definition of passing.

[SadieBlake]

Rachel, you might look at Bessel van der Kolk's book "the body keeps the score". There's also a research paper of the same title. It's helped me a lot with healing. He's a proponent of body centered as well as talk therapies.

[Rachel]

Hi Sadie, thank you for the recommendation and I support; I ordered the book from Amazon.

I had my labiaplasty with doctor McGinn and Chrystal today at Papillion. She did amazing work and my clitoris looked fantastic. I am on no exercise for 4 weeks  and no clitoris cleaning for 2 weeks then on out as needed cleaning with a Q-tip.

She did not remember the BA so I reminded her. She got my chart and she said oh you are the one that kept telling us you have a normal low heart rate and we did not believe you and tried to increase it. Yeah, that one. July 13 is the date for my BA

Initially Chrystal did my checkup and treated some granulation. She asked about relationships and orgasms and T. Relationships no. orgasm May 7th and T no. I told her I stopped it. She asked why and I said I was taking 1/3 the dose they recommended and my T was 80 ng/dl. My PA-c is not a fan of T for transwoman and for the same reason I was skiddiest. I hate the thought of T in my body; the thought it can attack my hair. Chrystal found a loose hair in my vagina and removed it. It was not growing in there but still, yuck. She said that may have been the cause of the vaginal discharge and odor. 

Chrystal then asked why I was not in a relationship and not had intercourse. I replied something, I forget, then she said isn't this the point of the operation, to have a relationship now that you have the body that matches your gender. I said yes.

Doctor McGinn came in after Chrystal left and we had a chat. I discussed my FFS and the results and how the jowls are not to my expectation and she commented that my eyes are not as open as they could have been. I asked her about VFS and Dr. Spiegel and Haben. She said she is not a fan of VFS and that my voice was not bad. I told her I am going to Blaker Associates (she went there) and she said to say hi to them for her. She then said at some point you need to stop the surgeries and just live your life and be you. She said when your hair grows in it will make a big difference.

I took the discussions from Dr. McGinn and Chrystal as the mama bird kicking the baby bird out of the nest. I get what they are saying and they are right. Relationship, finding a guy and experiencing sex seam so daunting. I know deep down inside they are right and it is what I want but I am scared.

[MaryXYX]

I haven't found a boyfriend since I had my surgery.  For me it was just about knowing I was *right*.  In any case I was hetero as a man, and moved from there to "hetero but too old to care".  So transitioned to female and "I suppose I'm lesbian but too old to care", then when my body was right and I had plenty of Oestrogen I went to "I want a boyfriend!"

Still too old though.