MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Hi Dist123, I am clean too. I was tested for PrEP and can get it when I have a need . I keep protection in my purse and well as individual lube packets. Ya got to be prepared.

I sent my level 2 appeal for FFS to Aetna tonight. I do not expect to get approved or see any money from this action. I will go to a level 3 appeal.

The Hahnemann Hospital invoice went to Aetna and it was a bit more than $72,000. I wonder what the settlement will be? The hospital is in network so I bet it is for less than $7,000.

I am still a bit hoarse and have 4 more weeks till I see the doctor. My pitch is 180 to 195 without raising the pitch. I tried to raise my pitch just a bit Yesterday and today. I hit the vocal rest then go to 210 to 220 just over the rest. Prior to the surgery I was able to pass the vocal rest pretty seamlessly but now there is a distinct rest. I record my voice each day and will review the days to see if there is a trend. 

[Laurie]

Don't you strain that expensive voice girl. You are making progress that's the part that counts now take it easy. Hoping you win your appeals.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Rachel]

Thank you Laurie, I will give it three weeks. I see Dr. Sataloff 1/24/2017. If I am still at the 185 to 195 Hz range I will seriously contemplate a glottoplasty. My voice is at the low threshold of female. Perhaps I will wait a little bit and put a recording on Vocarro  and get feedback. I need to go quickly as I have some GCS related work in April I will need to get done. I will need to see if my insurance will cover it.

My in-network deductible has been meet. So my operation for voice should be 100% paid by insurance. Also, my electrolysis is now 100% paid for and well as voice pathology. This is till July 1 which is the next fiscal year. So I may be scheduling some 3 hour weekend electrolysis sessions.

I really want to be able to talk, walk and swim this summer at Rahoboth beach Delaware ( I want to go to poodle and bear beach). I want to go to a bed and breakfast a few times this summer.  I need to be able to swim in August which will give me 3 months to heal. Worse case I will go in up to my knees .

2018 objectives:
Get voice correct and brows repositioned
GCS revisions
lose 30 pounds
cut and color hair
get third and final hair grafts, 400 to brows 700 to head
get jaw line fat removed
get rid of nasal fold lines
one day a week get out and do something new to meet people (museum, lunch, hiking through group activities)
Find a person to start a new chapter of my life
Get to the beach to start a new tradition in a new place

[Rachel]

I was on the phone with a female friend at work. I had not spoke with her for a week and that was at lunch. Anyhow when I called her she said my voice was very different. I asked her how and she said it is higher pitch but different in that it sounded different too. I asked if it sounded more female and she said definitely. She may just be saying that to be nice.

I record my voice every work day morning. I went to today and before my VFS. I noticed a distinct difference in the timbre. My voice sounds more focused. The pitch is a little hirer now without raising the pitch than it was pre vfs with raising my pitch.

On the way home I did a little pitch elevation and stopped when there was a minor bit of discomfort. I may do that a little bit each day when driving home from work.

[Rachel]

Snow, so my therapist, electrolysis (done with a trans woman that is a friend) and group was cancelled.

I have been having an issue with sleeping the past two weeks. I wake up 2 or 3 hours after falling asleep and can not get back to sleep. It is starting to drag me down. I think my ex having settlement on 1/15 is on my mind. I soon will be by myself for the first time in my life.

Part of what I am feeling is that I feel others see me as unacceptable as a partner to live with. I feel that I will be alone the rest of my life.

I am thinking of stop seeing my therapist. I do not see how there is any way this will change and I need to accept who I am and just smile and gent through each day. I will see how a few more months will go. Maybe see her every other week. I have been hiding from her how I feel deep inside. I need to level with her and get it out. Who will ever want to be with me? What is my purpose? What reason do I have to continue?


Part of me wants to stop any further procedures. I have a GCS revision 4/4 and I just do not know how my vaginal canal will be effected long term. My urethra being moved scares me. I can pee very well now and do not want to lose that. Having a lot of skin cut loose and reconfigured is going to be very painful.

I have been conversing with Dr. Telang for a fall visit for cosmetic work, vaso lipo in the saddle bags, tummy and jowls. I am also interested in a brow lift if Dr. McGinn will not do that with the GCS rework. I am at the point of scheduling and going about visa work. I guess I need shots too. Do I really need to do this if no one will find me attractive.

My voice is progressing slowly. I may go about scheduling a speech pathology session next week. The timbre is better, more narrow. My pitch is 185 to 195 in the morning and 190 to 200 in the afternoon. I started two types of light vocal practice each day to and from work for a few minutes. Odd how voice sounds so different between a recording and how I hear my voice when I speak.

I will be 3F Saturday morning and 0F Sunday morning.  I will try to hike in the park from 630 to 9. I bet I will not see anyone. I want to see if I can make it to the top of Dairy Barn Hill.

[Laurie]

I have been having an issue with sleeping the past two weeks. I wake up 2 or 3 hours after falling asleep and can not get back to sleep. It is starting to drag me down. I think my ex having settlement on 1/15 is on my mind. I soon will be by myself for the first time in my life.

You sound like me a month or so ago so I'll tell you what my psyche nurse had me do. Melatonin to help get to sleep and  benadryl to help stay asleep. Both are OTC so I can say I take the recommended doses for an adult - 1 melatonin and 1-2 benadryl. Sorry about the ex that is hard on a person.

Part of what I am feeling is that I feel others see me as unacceptable as a partner to live with. I feel that I will be alone the rest of my life.

  This line is not necessarily true at all. Give yourself a break girl. It is likely for me but I old and cranky. You leave that unacceptable and unworthy to me. You hear? I got plenty of experience with those.

I am thinking of stop seeing my therapist. I do not see how there is any way this will change and I need to accept who I am and just smile and get through each day. I will see how a few more months will go. Maybe see her every other week. I have been hiding from her how I feel deep inside. I need to level with her and get it out. Who will ever want to be with me? What is my purpose? What reason do I have to continue?

   Don't you dare stop seeing your therapist.. no with the way you are talking. You can cut it down a little but you get you butt in to see her and start being open and honest with her.  How the hell is she to help you if you withhold the information she needs to help you?  And there you go sounding like me again with that dumb last line. Sounds like you need these antidepressant pills as much as I do. Noe you just stop it!.

Part of me wants to stop any further procedures.

  Okay. Well, you just tell that part of you to take a hike and get out of your head. That's enough of that nonsense.

I have a GCS revision 4/4 and I just do not know how my vaginal canal will be effected long term. My urethra being moved scares me. I can pee very well now and do not want to lose that. Having a lot of skin cut loose and reconfigured is going to be very painful.

I have been conversing with Dr. Telang for a fall visit for cosmetic work, vaso lipo in the saddle bags, tummy and jowls. I am also interested in a brow lift if Dr. McGinn will not do that with the GCS rework. I am at the point of scheduling and going about visa work. I guess I need shots too. Do I really need to do this if no one will find me attractive.

My voice is progressing slowly. I may go about scheduling a speech pathology session next week. The timbre is better, more narrow. My pitch is 185 to 195 in the morning and 190 to 200 in the afternoon. I started two types of light vocal practice each day to and from work for a few minutes. Odd how voice sounds so different between a recording and how I hear my voice when I speak.

I will be 3F Saturday morning and 0F Sunday morning.  I will try to hike in the park from 630 to 9. I bet I will not see anyone. I want to see if I can make it to the top of Dairy Barn Hill.

Okay Rachel, The rest of your post is fine. In fact it good, very good. You just keep marching forward with your plans as you have laid them out. Have your surgery and become more of the woman we all see inside of you. It is time to let her out some more. The voice is doing good. you are in good shape. you just need to get your head back out of that smelly dark place and held up high into the light.

Don't make me SLAP you or hunt you down.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[HappyMoni]

Rachel, take it from me, she will hunt you down. (You saw me in my hospital bed right?) I hope you will not remove supports during this time of transition. No not 'that transition' but this period of starting  to live by yourself. It will be an adjustment and you need to avoid isolation. You also need to stay positive my friend. Thoughts like 'I will never be able to..." are not positive and can result in a self fulfilling prophecy. Don't get in that mind set. During this change in living arrangement, stay busy, challenge yourself to try something new. Focus some on thoughts of a possible date/relationship but don't obsess on it. Don't shut yourself off but don't let it drive you crazy either. Okay, lecture over. Well, til Laurie gets to you again anyway.
Moni

[Allison S]

It is a huge adjustment for you I think you're allowed to feel sad about it. You're going to need time and clarity will come. Just not as soon as we'd like- I know from some experience.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Rachel]

Hi Laurie, thank you for your support. Truth be known, I have a huge self image issue, trans aside. Trans adds a dimension to my feelings in inadequacy. I have many reasons to feel unlovable or damaged, trans aside. It is how I feel about myself and I need to work on addressing me. I have OCD ( I drive people that work for me crazy), lets say slow and in the driveway is heard every day at work, I have some physical uniqueness and learning deficits.

I will continue seeing my therapists.  After my ex moves out I want to schedule every other week. I need to address my insecurities. I accept I am trans and think I am doing well on my progress. I still have some voice recovery and evaluation if I dare go for a glottoplasty. I have GCS2 in April and hope to have once and for all "normal" genitals for once in my life. Then I will most likely go to India for purely cosmetic jaw fat, tummy and saddle bag fat and nasal fold fat removal and/or correction. I may do hair transplant V3. Then I am done done. Well, I may have my one tattoo removed. It is very old and spread a bit (my stripper tat).

Hi Monica, I have found what I want to do to increase my skills and increase my value in the job market, just incase. Also have a person that will sponsor me for the apprenticeship. I can earn extra money in my spare time if I want and have a fall back career that pays very well. They also will hire me if something happens to my FT position, which I do not expect. This opportunity is a certifier and with my PE it is of value, trans not an issue.

Hi Allison, thank you for your support. I agree, time will help me to find perspective when my current routines fade and new routines and new friendships develop. I have several people that want me to go shopping with them and a lesbian woman that has just about hit me over the head wanting to date. She is female and I really want to be with a guy but friendship would be cool. One really nice gay guy at work is a member with the Philly Art museum and goes there with a group of guys for outings with wine tastings and finger foods. He wants me to go with so I can get exposure and do the friend of a friend of a friend thing for me to find a nice guy. 
==========================================

Aetna settled with Hahnemann Hospital for my vocal subluxation procedure. They paid the hospital $64,000. I am appalled.  The Surgeon was paid $2,700. So If I want a glottoplasty (not likely but maybe) I have a feeling they will charge that amount again. There is something definitely wrong with the system.

I did 1 hour of thermolysis hair removal She is super nice and 3 blocks away She covered 5 or 6 times more hair than blend. I am going back next week.

I dreamed about my brother last night. First time in a while. Then I dreamed about my ex. Next I dreamed about hiking in the park. Not a whole lot of sleep but I understand why they are on my mind. The park because I love it, the quiet, nature and silence. My ex because she is leaving. My brother because of the past. Did I mention I love the park:)

[Laurie]

 Hi Rachel,

  Hmmmm lets see, "Truth be known, I have a huge self image issue, trans aside. Trans adds a dimension to my feelings in inadequacy. I have many reasons to feel unlovable or damaged, trans aside. It is how I feel about myself " Did you copy that from some of my posts. I swear I said those thing somewhere. Possibly several times.  If you throw in some more self deprecating terms I'll know it's plagiarism.
  Those are horrible things to feel Rachel, yes I do know how they feel. You are right you need to work on that self image. lol You don't want to wind up like me now do you? Okay then, you best get ta busy and change those feeling by doing something about them. I'll be here watching to see that you do.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[HappyMoni]

TRIGGER ALERT also.
Oh my gosh, the two amazing people who came to visit me in the hospital when I was needing support are talking like this. It makes me hurt and makes me cry that you are feeling this way. Please, I don't know what to say to make any difference to you both but I want you to know that you are important. You do have purposes. Don't give up figuring this out. Talk to therapists, take meds for depression, whatever you  have to do, but know you are important to others. My heart is hurting. I love you.
Moni

[Kendra]

Rachel, I bet the settlement date three days from now with your ex may be causing some stress or at least background noise.  Any change can be difficult, even if it's a very positive and necessary change.

You have earned an amazing list of accomplishments after many difficult years. 

[Rachel]

Hi Monica and Kendra, I am fine. I took the post down.  I do not want to alarm anyone. Sorry to cause discomfort. Yes my ex moving out had stirred up some feelings.

[Laurie]

TRIGGER ALERT also.
Oh my gosh, the two amazing people who came to visit me in the hospital when I was needing support are talking like this. It makes me hurt and makes me cry that you are feeling this way. Please, I don't know what to say to make any difference to you both but I want you to know that you are important. You do have purposes. Don't give up figuring this out. Talk to therapists, take meds for depression, whatever you  have to do, but know you are important to others. My heart is hurting. I love you.
Moni

Hi Monica,

  I am sorry that my post was a source of hurt to you. You know that I don't want to do that to you. I would take away that hurt if I could but I cannot take back the words. I wrote them to let Rachel know that she is not alone with those feelings. The part about not wanting to wind up like me was meant a little tongue in cheek yes, but it was also sincere. I'm afraid they have to stay.
 
Hugs,
  Laurie

[HappyMoni]

Rachel and Laurie,
I don't want to censor you or have you stop saying what is on your mind. I just want you keep fighting to get to a better place. I'm sorry, my pain or discomfort is not the issue here. I just want you two to know that you are loved and want you to not give in to the pain. All of us are able to tell others to keep positive. All of us have dealt with some degree of depression. We need  to apply to ourselves what we would tell others. I expect us to meet up again at some point. I don't want to be stood up.
Moni

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, understood and thanks for caring. I will see you hopefully for your annual checkup, lunch somewhere in New Hope or Lambertville.

Laurie, thanks or sharing. Depression has company   It is really nice to have someone that has been there and knows how it feels. I realize it is feelings and I know it will pass.

When in the moment it helps to share what I am feeling; to get it out. By typing it out it helps me see my thoughts and think about what is bothering me. I stood on a bride at age 11 and have not offed myself. I am in a much better place than I have been all my life. I am not worried about doing anything; I still have the thoughts, not actions.

Kendra is right, it is about my ex making settlement and me being alone. That and having to face others and try to piece together some sort of life. Being out there and finding a guy (scares me). I have a lot of trans friends and if I wanted to just have sex I know where to go and when. I do not just want sex. I want someone to share things with and be apart of their life and have company. Oh well, I guess I need to experience the loss then I can appreciate finding something new.

I saved the post I deleted and if I get to a happy place I will post it with the current state, which will be happier.

On a positive note. I used my health insurance to get E. I had done that when I first started HRT and gat a bunch of negative feedback a few times so I got my HRT at Mazzoni out of pocket. I now pay $ 8.00 for 40 mg/ml 5 ml vile. Somewhere between when I first started and now I no longer get crap at CVS. I get addressed properly and no awkward conversations or holding up the HRT and saying loud,"do you know what this does to you, twice".

[mm]

great, Rachel, you can get your E at CVS with no problem now at a reasonable pr
ice.

[Cassi]

Hi Monica, understood and thanks for caring. I will see you hopefully for your annual checkup, lunch somewhere in New Hope or Lambertville.

Laurie, thanks or sharing. Depression has company   It is really nice to have someone that has been there and knows how it feels. I realize it is feelings and I know it will pass.

When in the moment it helps to share what I am feeling; to get it out. By typing it out it helps me see my thoughts and think about what is bothering me. I stood on a bride at age 11 and have not offed myself. I am in a much better place than I have been all my life. I am not worried about doing anything; I still have the thoughts, not actions.

Kendra is right, it is about my ex making settlement and me being alone. That and having to face others and try to piece together some sort of life. Being out there and finding a guy (scares me). I have a lot of trans friends and if I wanted to just have sex I know where to go and when. I do not just want sex. I want someone to share things with and be apart of their life and have company. Oh well, I guess I need to experience the loss then I can appreciate finding something new.

I saved the post I deleted and if I get to a happy place I will post it with the current state, which will be happier.

On a positive note. I used my health insurance to get E. I had done that when I first started HRT and gat a bunch of negative feedback a few times so I got my HRT at Mazzoni out of pocket. I now pay $ 8.00 for 40 mg/ml 5 ml vile. Somewhere between when I first started and now I no longer get crap at CVS. I get addressed properly and no awkward conversations or holding up the HRT and saying loud,"do you know what this does to you, twice".

Earlier this month I obtained my first prescriptions at Walgreens and when the male clerk obtained the filled prescriptions there was a note to consult so he had to call the pharmacist over.  She looked at me and holding the Spiro said you know this is for high blood pressure.... and then the Estrodiol and began to say something but changed it to do you know how to take this?  I responded yes and that was it.  Smart thinking pharmacist.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Monica, understood and thanks for caring. I will see you hopefully for your annual checkup, lunch somewhere in New Hope or Lambertville.

Oh, it will be warm then. I never got to check out  New Hope much when I was there. I will contact you and we can meet up. That would be wonderful.
Moni

[Rachel]

Hi MM, yes it is awesome. I think it will save me more than $500 per year on the E. I also switched electric and natural gas suppliers which can save 5% per year and when my ex moves out this week I will just get Comcast internet for $39/ month, no TV or phone. I pay $56 per month for a work phone and I have Amazon Prime movies and Netflix. I purchased a 75 mile digital antenna and 1 gig modem/router for my TV and I have a wifi adapter. If I want more TV I can go sling or Hulu. I really do not watch TV.

Hi Cali, I want on about HRT 5 years ago and things change. also I am so much more confident. It that was to happen to me again I would be in such a better place to confront it.  That pharmacist, not there any more,  was very old and she probably was not confronted with a HRT patient before. I also look a lot different now than I did then.

Hi Monica, New Hope and across the bridge has some nice restaurants and some nice shops. Let me know when you see her and I will take off from work.

I have a 2 hour operation with Dr. McGinn April 4th. I see her 1/22 and I will ask about a skin or peritoneal graph. I fear I will lose diameter when she cuts out the scar tissue and than expanding will cause scar tissue. I have a ring and a swath about 0.5 to 0.75 inches about 3 inches long and a section inches across of scar tissue. Then creating the bottom of the vagina will liberate 3 or 4  inches of skin 180 degrees around the bottom of my vaginal canal. My urethra gets moved down too, so I will have a catheter.

I need to find out how long I will be out of work. I think it will be at least 2 or 3 weeks. I was lucky a good portion of the graph survived.

I am getting use to my wife and daughter moving out now. I only went to the park 1 time this weekend and it was fun. I slept in 2 days and that was great; I needed the sleep. Emotional pain and lack of sleep puts me in the edge. All is good right now.


Today my daughter and I went to a diner. This was the first time she was out in public with me. She wanted to go to Tiffany's abut 2 miles away rather than the one 1/2 mile up the road on street road. I think it is because she would have no chance of seeing anyone she knows where we went.