MTF in need of help

[AshleyPixune]

Rachel! You look wonderful!  I looked at your first couple of posts here on this thread and then realized it was over 70 pages long, so I skipped to the end and I'm just so happy with your progress!  It makes me smile to see that you've endured so much and have become a stronger woman.  You give hope and inspiration to the newbies, like me, so thank you!!

~Ashley

[Kendra]

I read this entire thread twice, and doing so literally changed my point of view.  Seeing step by step how raw the world is, the terrible pain and then joy of transition, clawing ones way to a better life.  The definition of ambition.  When I joined Susan's this thread is the first one I bookmarked.

[Rachel]

Hi Ashley, I a glad the post help others. I know they have helped me Thank you for the compliment.

One of the best pieces of advise my first therapist said to me was to look at today and not down the road. I was overwhelmed and struggling to stay alive or find reasons to stay alive that were more compelling than the alternative. Things that I do now feel like such a privilege. Just picking my work outfit for the day is fun.

Kendra, I am so happy the posts helped in some way. I have to say I have learned so much from you. I wish I had know now what I did not know 5 year ago. One thing was your experience's and how you traveled to foreign countries to get the work you wanted done. You definitely have some of the most informative VFS and FFS posts I have seen.

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Today I went back to dilating 1 per day. Wow, that is a huge difference. Tomorrow I will skip the #2 dilator and just use 1,3 and 4. There is no blood and dilation is much easier.

I am going back to Papillion Monday for more steroid injection. I want to discuss massage (for me to do on the scar tissue) and acupuncture for scar reduction. I want to find out if they know of anyone that will do acupuncture at the vagina bottom and entrance of the vaginal canal. I showed my current vagina pic to a trans woman friend that is post op too. She said wow it looks very good. That was on day 15 post op.

The posterior stitch line is painful to sit. The inner butt is painful to sit for periods of time and the vaginal canal entrance is painful to sit on the toilet. Other than that I am good to go. I have a lot of stitches internal to the butt and in the vagina and vaginal canal. I am definitely tighter down there,

Happy Friday

[Rachel]

Back from Papillion.

The steroid injection helped a lot for the healing. I had more injections today and will see them again May 31 ( my birthday) or sooner if the scar tissue contracts. The scars are much softer and it looks good. I had a lot of stitched removed from my vagina. I can not get over how good it looks.

I CAN EXERCISE NOW

One issue, because I had a lot of skin repositioned the skin between my legs where it comes together is new to this and can chafe easy. Dr. McGinn recommended glide.

OK, I need to get back on track with weight loss. I am about 190 to 194 depending on time of day. Mornings I am lighter. I look ok but need to lose 10 more pounds.

I am glad I took this journey. I was so scared in the beginning. I had to become me with so many negative influences confronting me. I did not know what me was but I knew I had do get away from him.

Today is a good day.

[duffymali]

Hi everyone

reading about the scarring. It is not my experience with steroids that they  are overly effective to reduce scarring. I have heard of a drug used  to reduce scarring in eye surgery 5FU. I am still a bit tight do to a corrective procedure for a prolapse vag and the Doctor is using botox in an attempt to avoid further surgery.

hope everyone here is well

cheers Mali

[Mariah]

Glad to hear your making progress Rachel. Yeah, I have weight to lose too. I hope everything keeps going well for you now. Hugs
Mariah

[Rachel]

Hi Mali and Mariah, thank you for your support.

I went to the park and hiked 7 miles with a 60 pound pack Saturday . When I got home my vagina was a little swollen in places . My scar and skin where my legs rub hurt and was inflamed. All is better today and tomorrow all will be well.

The bottom of my vaginal canal and where it meets the vagina have scar tissue. It is still forming. May 15 to June 15 will be when I expect the scar tissue to contract. I can deal with it and I will get through it. I was hoping there would be no scar tissue this time.

Tomorrow I go to Houston. I will restart squats and planks and pushups. If I can walk the steps in the fire tower I will do that. I hope they gave a gym.

I can not wait for you he warm humid weather of Houston.

[Laurie]

Hi Rachel,

  Girl I don't know how you can do it. You are a glutton for punishment I guess. You are amazing.  Have a good trip to Houston.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Rachel]

Hi Laurie, thanks for the support. I have been taking it easy. I am super tired from the trip. I did steps today but I need to start back with planks, pushups and squats. I think I may be able to start squats soon as healing is going well.

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Post conference thoughts:

I am at 190 pounds and will start back or focused eating and increased exercise. I gained no weight since the operation

Having confidence is a big part of being accepted. Owning your space is huge in being left to live your life as you see fit.

Of the thousands of people I came into contact with I am really happy in how I have been treated. I have been treated well overall. Houston went very well and I am really happy in how I was treated.

A few years ago I remember I was growing my hair out before I came out. The group was touring a proton particle accelerator construction sight. There are multiple levers and concrete walls 8 feel thick.  The main gallery where the beam is directed is fantastic. Well, we were gong from the lowest level up a level. One of the Directors or VP's pushed me from behind and said let the girl go first. They all laughed and I just walked up the steps. They did not know I was in transition and I was not out. Fast forward 3 or 4 years and I am treated very well. Maybe before I came out I did not fit the picture of a male Senior Director with long hair. Now I fit the picture of a female Director. There are about 5 or 6 of us in the country in our industry. As far trans 1 in the country in my industry.

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Voice :

I called the OR scheduler and insurance person at Dr. Sataloff's office to make sure he put into Aetna my OR request for coverage. He had not. He was to do that last week. He said he would do it today. Guess who I am calling tomorrow.

I still have not asked my daughter if she would pick me up from the hospital. I could do what I did last time which is have someone from work pick me up and drop me off at the parking garage and drive home. This weekend I will ask her. I need to at least give her the opportunity to support me. It is OK if she can not support me but I need to give her the room to grow.

Voice

If this does not work out well I do not know what I will do. I am really thinking this over.

[Rachel]

Voice

I had my last voice pathologist session before the glottoplasty on May 14. My pitch goes between 160 to 210 hrz, mostly in 170 - 180 range. Toward the end of the day my voice gets a bit raspy. It is because I am not keeping my toung forward, throat open and using enough air.

Anyhow, my daughter is working on next Monday. I did not ask her about transportation from the hospital. I asked a co-worker to pick me up and take me to the parking lot.
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I think I am at the end of my surgery road. I may do some minor cosmetic work later but nothing drastic. Perhaps I am hiding behind operations. Excuses for not living or reasons to grasp at straws for alignment. Either way I need to move on and past my state of limbo. I need to take a chance on meeting someone.

I have been discussing future partner types with my therapist. I had always imagined being with a guy. In the past 10 months since I was divorced I had thoughts of finding a guy to be with. I even started PrEP. I know where to go to find a guy to hook up with but I want someone to share things with, car rides, dinners, museums, shore, hiking, my hobby and more. My therapist has posed different types of persons I might consider being with. A lesbian, Pan, trans woman or trans man in addition to a man. I started thinking of how I feel about this and truth be said I much more prefer a companion regardless of who they are. Sexually speaking I would prefer a guy but just for sex; although, I can imagine how it could work with people other than guys with a penis. Funny how all my life I wanted my genitals off and wanted a penis in me. Now I have what I wanted and stall on fulfilling my destiny, why.
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This is really vain, so please do not judge me.

Today at the voice pathologist office he had me practice making sounds while looking in the mirror and then pointing out the things I need improvement. This is so I can see and feel what of occurring. Anyhow, I was looking in the mirror. I thought I need to do something with the buccal fat and lift my brow arch with pencil. Then I thought if I do that I could be pretty cute. I like my hair and my face is not bad for a soon to be 56 year old. I thought wow from some guy looking back in the mirror to a not too bad looking woman. Not beautiful but not bad, average. I know vain, but these were my thoughts. I really need to practice my facial movements and expressions in the mirror.

[Laurie]

Hi Rachel,

  Congrats on the last voice lesson and good luck with the operation. I hope you heal quickly and have the results you want to get from it.
  Now the companion, partner, Fwb, mate, however you want to say it. I have had my own eyes opened recently in that area. I said I was a lesbian because I cannot imagine myself living with a man as a long term companion. I will admit to sex fantasies but have never taken it beyond that. I had not really thought it through what it meant to be a lesbian. Again it sounded logical to me but no experience with it at all. Well, I had my companion ideas tested recent when I was grabbed after a hug and kissed on the lips. I was shocked but found I liked it. I hung around for a bit and she did it again after I hugged her again. This time I knew I liked it and wanted more but my mind was churning with all sorts of thoughts that I do not need to go into here.
  With my mind going a mile a minute I got in my pickup and left. As I said I liked it so why was my mind in such a turmoil? It was because this was out of my realm of experience. I was kissed not once but twice by my now girlfriend @Michelle_P . Another transwoman like me and a declared lesbian. I had never thought of this scenario when it came to myself. My idea of a lesbian relationship was me with a cis-woman. How's that for being transphobic? To make it worse is the transphobic thought that had flashed through my head... "OMG I've just been kissed by another man"  I am ashamed of that thought. It was quickly replaced with the truth that neither Michelle nor I are men. I thought about what had happened and my feelings about it all of the 600+ miles home. The result of that pondering is that I liked kissing Michelle, I wanted to kiss her more. Michelle and myself are women and our relationship is a lesbian relationship. And lastly it is okay.
  I really did not "know" that I am a lesbian until that kiss. I am happy to be in a lesbian relationship with Michelle. It is okay to me to be a transwoman in a lesbian relationship. I know these things now.

  Your therapist is right Rachel. Don't go limiting yourself to men only. There are all those other possibilities and they are also okay to try. Find what works for you, you may surprise yourself. I wish you luck in love Hun.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[SadieBlake]

Rachel, allow that taking the plunge to dating isn't a small thing, for me it's been hayuge. I've had a really rough spring, it's sapping my energy however I've remained committed to dating, getting what I can from my long term relationship, my long distance relationship which has proved to be far more difficult than I'd hoped (promised visits have either been brief or not happened. On top of that there's a woman I'm pursuing who's now out of the country again for an indeterminate time.

I'm spending all the time I can manage at lesbian / queer gatherings, meeting women and using dating apps, HER, tinder and OKC. So far those have felt like a real crapshoot and I prefer in person but I have landed a coffee date for tomorrow with a cute butch lesbian so who knows, maybe that's going on be the start of a new direction.

It's not easy, however the option is being lonely.

[Rachel]

Hi Laurie, thank you for sharing your experiences and perspective. I hope you and Michelle are happy. 

I agree, keeping an open mind is important as-well-as allowing for new and varied experience. I guess I am heading for some relationship in the future, with whom and how they identify is yet to be seen. I guess for me companionship, not being ashamed of me and doing things together are the most important. If and how we express our love is less important.

Hi Sadie, thank you for sharing your experiences on dating and finding dates. I agree, the alternative is being alone. I have been with someone or living under someone's roof for all but the last 4 months. Lonely can be a much better place than some alternatives I experienced. I agree, getting out there is the only way to connect. I need to get out there when I am ready.

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On dating, I have been giving it some thought. I think I need to get out to places I like to go and not so much be concerned about finding someone just yet. I have three things I really enjoy. One is my hobby. I need to rejoin two places I use to go and just enjoy my hobby.  2) exercise. I think doing meet ups for rucking or walking with a weighted pack and or hiking would be a great way to meet people. As far as looking to meet someone for the expressed intent of dating, I think I am not ready for that.

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Voice,
I have a glottoplasty scheduled for Monday. I need to be at the hospital at 0600. I will have someone drive me back to my car and I will hang there and eat and rest and later in the day drive home. I know I will be fine. The anesthesia wears off of me very quickly and I recover very well.

I wonder if I am doing the right thing by going to the surgeon I am going to. He is highly regarded and a recognized authority. However, he is not Dr. Kim. Not that Dr. Kim is any better or worse but while reading so many trans voice stories perhaps I have convinced myself that Dr. Kim is the best and the rest are a lower standard. I think I have come to terms and think I have made a very good choice.

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TRIGGER WARNING - Mental health
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Through work they have a program where if you do an on-line survey and health screening you save $50/pay in insurance bi-weekly premium cost. They offer a health coach. I have a monthly session and we make goals on fitness and weight loss and behavior modification. Pretty much a long term 15 minute a month goal plan and behavior change plan. So far so good.

Well, the last time I had a 15 minute health coach telephone consult she recommended I participate in a new program for on-line counselling.  I said fine. I had my intake today and it was 45 minutes of questions. History and then a lot of things about depression, self harm and suicide and suicidal ideation. That was difficult and I had tears running down my face toward the end. At a point the armor got breached and the questions hit home and I became emotional.

I am in no danger of self harm.

With my therapist and with the health coach and the intake today I really have to guard what I say. If I say how I feel and how I deal with my past and how I feel about myself I fear being involuntarily committed. There are things I do not share here. I deal with the issues. I have made significant progress and am much stronger now than I have been in 44 years.  I am doing well but expressing how I cope and the issues and the line I get to could cause some to think I may do something. Well I haven't in 44 years and things are getting better. I am learning a lot about myself and I am starting to like myself for who I am.

I know it will pass. I know I have gotten through it in the past. I know if I sleep I will feel better. I know I have come a long way and I can fight back the memories and feelings with the truth of how I have become myself the best I can. I try for forgive my parents. I some day will forgive myself but there is a lot of anger there. Anger in what I can not change and anger in failure to be myself in the past. Anger of putting up a façade and anger in making a façade that involved others and hurting them.

Anyhow, perhaps this will work out ok. Perhaps this program will show me some skills or a different tact.
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Vagina.

I am pleased with how the revision has turned out. I have some scar tissue I am dealing with. It is on the outside of the vagina at the lower entrance. Other than that, I am healing very well. I did 7 miles in the park today with a 60 pound pack and have a little discomfort from my underwear rubbing the bottom on my vagina. Other than that I am good to go . Great feeling.
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On a side note, I make the best granola. When I perfect the recipe to my liking ( close) I will share the recipe. This is really good and super healthy.

[Alyssa Bree]

Hi Rachel!

I have learned so much reading through this thread. Inspiring, honest, and very very real. Thank you for sharing everything that you have. I imagine it has helped a lot of people. My best to you.


xoxoxo
Alyssa

[Rachel]

Hi Alyssa, thank you. The thread is like therapy. I deposit my thoughts feelings and transition travels. I hope it can help someone.

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I is 5:30 am and I am in the Hahnemann outpatient waiting room. At 6 am they will escort us up to the 3rd floor outpatient pre-op waiting area. At least that is what occurred in December.

I feel nervous. I wonder how things will turn out. I wonder how I can not talk for weeks. I know in next Monday I will be at Dr. Sataloff's office to make a few sounds as I am scoped. I expect that to occurs once a week for three weeks on Mondays.

I am scheduled to inject estrogen today. When I am at the end of my cycle I can smell extreamly well. I M in a waiting room with 12 others and the smells are a bit much. How can people still smoke, especially before a procedure. I can smell the cigarette smoke on their cloths and it is gross. I can not deliver I use to smoke.

I brought some drinks and home made granola and left it in a cooler in my car.

Up in the per-waiting room now. Too bad they do not video the operation, that would be cool.

[Kendra]

Rachel, best wishes.  My month without talking wasn't as bad as anticipated.  But I sure learned to appreciate something we take for granted. 

Your thread has helped so many others.  Your experiences became a factor that pushed me to finally see a gender therapist, start HRT and get started on my transition.  My life has been getting so much better from that point on. 

[Rachel]

Hi Kendra, I m very happy for you. From you posts and pics I can tell you are on the right path.

I have a few questions for you. I am at the cvs pharmacy getting a pain script filled. My neck and back of my head hurt. I guess they moved that a bit during the operation. My tongue feel like they used some tool to pull on it. Of course my throat hurts. Did you have the same pain? How do you clear your throat? I push air out. Not too effective. I havd a headache which I guess is expected.

Food, I was told not hot and not spicy. Any suggestions?

Funny thing as I was in pre-op. The nurse took me to the bathroom and insisted I pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. I assured her 4 or 5 time I was 100% sure I was not pregnant. She insisted and I told her I am trans and she said ok. That felt so incredibly good.

[JudiBlueEyes]

Well that is certainly validation if you were ever looking for it!  You look beautiful, believe it. 
Judi

[Rachel]

Thank you so much 😀😀

[Kendra]

> I have a few questions for you. I am at the cvs pharmacy getting a pain script filled. My neck and back of my head hurt. I guess they moved that a bit during the operation. My tongue feel like they used some tool to pull on it. Of course my throat hurts. Did you have the same pain? How do you clear your throat? I push air out. Not too effective. I havd a headache which I guess is expected.

I didn't have any substantial pain when I woke up from vocal surgery, just a slight pain when swallowing, no worse than a bad cough would cause.  By the next day that was just an odd tickling sensation when swallowing, then gone within two days.  I remember a slight headache at first but that went away in a few minutes. 

To clear my throat I found sometimes the opposite would help - instead of pushing air out with mouth open, kept my mouth closed and swallow to clear it. 

My tongue didn't hurt.  I know what tongue pain feels like - I had my tongue pierced years ago and almost forgot to remove it before my most recent surgery.