Hairstyle advice

[Ruu]

I'm absolutely bullocks at introducing myself, so I'm just going to skip the big intro, since I doubt I'll be posting here frequently anyway.

I'm a 20-year-old MtF pre-everything transgirl. I've come out to a lot of people, I dress how I want once or twice a week, etc. I'm 6'2" and weigh 213 pounds, which causes me to be incredibly self conscious. I feel like my hair and sometimes my facial hair are the primary culprits when I feel very self conscious. When I look in the mirror sometimes I worry that I don't look like a girl and it gives me horrible anxiety. But my respectful and awesome group of friends is usually able to calm me down. I get called by the pronouns and name I prefer, so it is able to curb the feeling.

However, one of the biggest reasons I feel self-conscious is that my hairstyle is very easily recognized around campus. I'm not out to everyone, including my fraternity, so if I run into someone on campus, my hair alone would give me away. It's different from my trans* friend down the hall; as she has a wig and breastforms; when she dresses up she looks NOTHING like she normally does, and passes really well. Me, not so much. I'm too big and too recognizable.

So, here's the thing. I've been trying to grow my hair out for about two years now. It's about long enough to be down just past the base of my neck in the back, and rests slightly on my shoulders on the sides. The bangs come down to my nose if I let them hang down. My hair doesn't look extremely kept, and I'm not sure it looks masculine, feminine, or androgynous at all. Just like hair that's growing awkwardly. Until it's long, I can't get the style I'd ideally like. I need a haircut (at the very least a trim) while my hair grows out some, but I'd like to be able to style it in a feminine, androgynous, or feminine-leaning hairstyle until my hair grows to an optimal length. If I go to the salon soon I can allow this to happen.

Here's a picture for reference: http://imgur.com/IHiod

Judging on the information I've provided, and the picture, and such, I need suggestions for feminine haircuts that I could do while my hair is still growing out. Something that would suit me and not look... gross... I'm very picky about hairstyles, so I'd have to see multiple things. Any help I could get would be much appreciated. c:

[Elspeth]

What fiercegirl said about layering... definitely do that. 

Also, learn more about curling and styling and giving your hair more body. What your picture shows now suggests that you're just brushing it... works for guys, hell on girls.

And find a stylist you can be direct and honest with. If you can afford to shop for a wig, do it in person, or ask the transgirl down the hall to go shopping with you...

It can be hard to get a stylist to understand you want a girl's style unless you are really blunt and direct, and seeing beats describing, which is why I'd suggest considering a wig, if you can find one similar in hairtype and color to your natural color.  If you can show a stylist what you want, and it's not incompatible with the nature of your hair, there's a much better chance she will find something that works for you and is at least close to what may already be floating through your head.

[Ruu]

I'm really not fond of wigs, honestly. I have natural hair, I want to use it to the fullest. Stubbornness I guess...

I'll definitely look into a stylist or something.

[RedFox]

Ruu, I think you have beautiful hair and I'm not sure what your concerned about.  I'm also a redhead, though as I'm a bit older than you mines also a little darker.  However my hair is extremely curly/wavy which means I have to grow it about twice as long as those with straight hair to get the same length in appearance.  And a month ago I had a mens military haircut.  (just to say - things could be worse).

And I totally get the thing about wigs.  You have beautiful hair - why would you want to cover it up?

[A]

Or you could just do like me: be fully conscious that it's ugly but carry on until you can actually change your hairstyle. Not happening, eh? :p

[Elspeth]

I'm really not fond of wigs, honestly. I have natural hair, I want to use it to the fullest. Stubbornness I guess...

I'll definitely look into a stylist or something.

The wig was only a suggestion of a way to communicate with a stylist. Picking out some images of styles you like would almost certainly be cheaper. I think my suggestion was mostly motivated as a way of getting you to break the ice, if you haven't already, with the transwoman down the hall, since she might have some ideas as well, and be someone you could possibly lean on a bit for support? If you have other girlfriends you could be open with, that would also be a way... particularly, some of them might be able to suggest some ways of styling that already would work for you, even without a restyling of your hair as it is.

Curling irons, styling gels and other tricks might help you to at least add some volume and get some more ideas of what will work for your hair at its present length. I forget whether I shared the pic from just after I left the Army, where my girlfriend (now my ex) tried to give me an at-home perm.

Avert your eyes now if you're prone to queasiness.

[Rita]

Keep growing it out, and deal with some awkwardness  With hormones (your hair looks good so far) your hair should grow even nicer, and thicker, longer.

I find that covering my cheek areas really helps with making me look good. I also deal with bangs, they are worth it!

Based on the image you really want to grow out those sides!

After you have a decent amount of hair there it will be significantly easier to style it nicely.  Make sure to keep getting it layered, and maintained.

[Alainaluvsu]

I agree with Rita, keep growing it out. You DO need bangs and they should be voluminous, but since your cheekbones are very low, avoid side swept bangs being parted as far over as you have them. Instead, you need short layers that frame just below the temple going in. Avoid framing the jaw and bring those layers outward. DO NOT CUT ANY LENGTH OFF!

Something like this:

[kathy bottoms]

Is your hair long enough for  a ponytail yet?  It changes your entire look without doing much.  Mine has worked great for the last 4 months.  Just a thought, and your probably already trying it. 

Good luck
Kathy

[crazy at the coast]

As someone else said, definitely more volume up top. I used to try to keep the volume down on mine, but after a really good stylist got a hold of me, I found out it looked much better with volume and makes your face look smaller overall. It may take  some time to find a style that does the job, but is easy to care for.

[Ruu]

@Elspeth We're actually already friends, so it's not a big deal. However, she was struck with male pattern baldness at a young age and she has very short hair that balds because of it. She pretty much HAS to wear a wig, and when she does it changes her look dramatically. I've asked for her suggestion, but she is one of those people that says stuff like "It's whatever you want to do."

@Rita I intend on keeping it growing out. It's just reaching that point where I need a slight trim and wanted to make a small difference. I don't know what you mean, but I don't /really/ want to grow out the sides. They just happen to do that quite well. I want to be able to have a long, straightish hairstyle when my hair is longer; something relatively simple to maintain that still looks pretty, but all it looks like is going on is my hair just kinda grows /out/ and not /down/ like I would prefer it to. I like the bangs I just want to cover up my forehead since it's big. And masculine. >.>

@Alainaluvsu I am INCREDIBLY bad with all these hair and facial terms... I don't understand what you want me to do? What are side-swept bangs? Frame? Temple? And what exactly are layers? What does keeping my hair layered mean? I'm incredibly baffled by just the words.

@kathy b I don't think it is. I would try it, but it's just not quite long enough yet.

@Jaime Volume up top could help, I'm just worried that it might be too poofy that it looks off. Reminds me of a beehive haircut... I'm scared it would look like that.

[A]

When your hair grows out rather than down, it's because it's not long enough yet. Cut it and you'll prolong the agony. Be patient.

EDIT:

Side-swept bangs: Bangs that go towards the side, that curve towards the side, in opposition to bangs that go straight down towards the eyebrows.

Temples: Those holes on your skull. You have two, one on either side. They're a little farther to the side, and a little higher than your eyes. It's accessorily where suicidals like to put the bullet.

To frame a face: To create a frame around it, by hiding its sides with hair. It's generally advantageous, especially for trans women.

Layered haircut: A haircut where there are layers of hair of different lengths. It is generally done using those scissors where one side is a blade and the other is like a kind of brush.

[Alainaluvsu]

A summed it up. Thank you.

I'm not trying to be ugly, but you really should learn a lot about hair. Hair is HUGE in passing visually and keeping a hairstyle maintained is a daily thing for many women (cis and trans).

[Ruu]

Well I /do/ want to learn about it, I just happen to not know much about it. I was raised in a lame environment and it didn't help me even a little bit. I don't know where to start, and I do have things that have some priority, as it stands.

[Alainaluvsu]

Well I've gone to hair school, and my roommate is a barber... feel free to ask me anything

[Ruu]

I don't know what I need to know. Maybe a one-time quick crash course on it, if that could be beneficial. I don't know the magnitude of the subject. lol

[muuu]

.

[Rita]

I had to do some trimming to the tail end of my hair, it was starting to look wierd, and muletty.  Only takes 3 months for it to grow  back to under my neck. Where my sides are just escaping past my cheeks and into my mouth like the delicious hair it is nom nom nom.

The ultimate goal in life, make a hair mustache.

[Elspeth]

I don't know what I need to know. Maybe a one-time quick crash course on it, if that could be beneficial. I don't know the magnitude of the subject. lol

My mom was a hairdresser in my early childhood, and usually cut my hair, often, when it was longer, in a style that was almost unintentionally more femme than she probably meant it to be, but her experience was almost entirely with women's hair, except for us kids, and I was the oldest.

I would probably cultivate some friendships with women who can give you both a crash course and ongoing advice and tips, and who are likely to have access to all the hair products and devices that you are likely to want to start playing with. Find someone who likes hair and is willing to play with yours. You don't necessarily need to be fully out with them for this. When I talked my girlfriend (who became my spouse, mother of my kids and later my ex) into doing a perm on me, with gleeful participation from her housemate, it was still not entirely clear to them why I was wanting this... (I thought at the time it was obvious, but I learned that it wasn't) but on a lot of things, like curling irons and use of curlers and various short term fixatives you'll probably want to be very clear about how you're looking for feminine styling info and tips.  You can even learn from the products themselves -- walk down the hair products aisle at your grocery store, drug store or a cosmetics pro store, and you'll see how many of these their are (Hairsprays, styling gels and mousses, new stuff coming out all the time, some actually new, some just changed packaging) start reading labels and you could spend the day there.

There's also reading -- magazines on hairstyles, the usual features in women's magazines, and various books on haircare and DIY styling ... many women find something that works for them and focus on doing just that for at least a few months at a time, until they get tired of a look and ask their hairdresser for a change. Of course if they've been going to salons for years, they will have picked up a lot of stuff from repetition, and from listening to others getting their hair done, stuff they may have spent hours trying out in their tweens and teens with other girls on sleep-overs. Usually the hairdresser will spend a good deal of time at the end (or as they are getting close to the final look) filling them in on what they need to do to maintain the style after the first shampoo-ing. There are also those special occasion hair-dos that usually only last the life of the event they were done for.

I missed the hair loss issues with your friend down the hall. Obviously, apart from wig care, this is probably a sensitive topic for her, and not one she's likely to have a lot of direct insight on. Wig care is similar to, but in many ways very different from caring for your own hair. Wigs are easily damaged. So is real hair, but not in the same ways... you can use a plastic brush on real hair without ruining it. Not possible with synthetic fiber wigs, and not necessarily a good idea with human hair wigs either.

[Elspeth]

Can you have longer hair with a long face without elongate it? If so, what do you do to avoid that from happening?

I suppose layers add width... but if they're just laying straight down I don't think they'd really do anything, so how do you use layers for creating width? And I guess, do you use layers to create a bigger back head too, or how do you do that?

I'd avoid super straight, below the shoulder hair with a long face... emphasizes the length even more, and tends to remind some older people of Duane Allman



rather than Cher from the Sonny days.



(It did work for Cher, though, even in that bang-less style -- just guessing your features are a little less delicate than hers, but for a woman, Cher has a very strong, very long face -- just goes to show that sometimes it can work to draw attention to something most will tell you is a "defect" to be worked around, rather than exploited.  Of course, this is also why Cher is a drag queen icon, and if your aim is to blend in more, her dramatic styles are probably not where you want to go for an everyday look that works at the local grocery store?

Layering alone, especially if your hair has little natural wave or curl, may will be a problem, I'm guessing, based on how you've describe it.

I'd add more curl and side volume if you're aim is to de-emphasize the length. Without a visual reference, though, generic advice is of limited use. There may be features of your face that could be de-emphasized and others that could be your saving graces, and there's usually more than one way to call attention to the best bits and distract from the worst.