How long could you cope with given gender after really figuring things out?

[JessicaH]

Things are very difficult right now and I am under a crushing amount of stress right now.  I have been on HRT now for 26 months now. I had planned to go as far as I could with HRT until I was starting to get misgendered, outed or just really obvious that something was up. I have an appointment in April to see a specialist that will hopefully raise my HRT levels for faster progress. Anyways, this isn't a post about HRT efficacy...

I didn't realize it at first but after accepting who I am, continuing "his" life seems harder every day. The dissonance between who I am and the person "I pretend to be", increases more every day and it is causing me a a lot of distress and sometimes I almost feel like I'm loosing my mind. It seems to affect almost every part of my life now and I have been lucky that no one at work has noticed that something is really disturbing me except for two people that I hired and have been long time friends (and one of them is in the same predicament that I am).

Not letting this affect me is like trying to ignore a really bad sunburn. I'd like to think I could keep my job and transition but I really don't think that's likely.  The only possible chance would be to transition so well that hardly no one at work knew it was me and I'd have to be very stealth which seems like an almost impossible feat.  I like my job. I'm good at it and it can be very exciting and challenging sometimes with all the international travel that I get to do. It also pays VERY well. If I knew I could keep doing this and not loose my job over it, it would easily be worth $100k to have  a successful transition to stay employed doing what I do. I could even see it being a benefit to my job if I could stealthily become at least a minimally attractive female, knowing what I know.  I'd just have to make sure my customers are listening when I ask them to sign a contract  rather than staring at my chest.  Drawing that kind of male attention really makes me nervous but I guess it';s something every woman has to get used to and deal with...

I know some of you actually transitioned before even starting HRT but that's a whole different thread and not something I remotely considered. 

So..........  How long did you take HRT and keep pretending to be your assigned gender before transitioning?

How hard was this time period for you?

What did you do to cope during that time?

Did you ever feel like your mental health was degrading from it?

Did you feel obsessed with all things transgender and just feel sick of it being on your mind and invading every fascet of your life and thoughts?

Thanks for your responses,  Jessica Hightower 
https://www.facebook.com/jessica.hightower.16

[Brooke777]

So..........  How long did you take HRT and keep pretending to be your assigned gender before transitioning?

How hard was this time period for you?

What did you do to cope during that time?

Did you ever feel like your mental health was degrading from it?

Did you feel obsessed with all things transgender and just feel sick of it being on your mind and invading every fascet of your life and thoughts?

Thanks for your responses,  Jessica Hightower 
https://www.facebook.com/jessica.hightower.16

I was on hrt for 6 months before I went full time.

At first, it was easy. Since I did not remotely pass I was not too worried about it. But, there at the end it was horrible. I tried to wait as long as I culd but I was kind of going crazy having to get into boy mode everyday for work.

I dealt with it by presenting female in every other aspect of my life except for at work. I also made sure I always kept up to date on all of the threads here at Susan's. That way I could have my mind in the right place at all times. Since then, I don't keep up with posts as well (except when I'm at work but I have nothing to do here).

[Zumbagirl]

Hi Jessica I was on estrogen probably about 1 year or so when I went full time. What sealed the deal was I wanted to have my FFS done when I went full time  and have facial hairs under control.  By about that time I was living a double life and near the end my hair was long enough and face clear enough to be able to be out without plastering on makeup. I was female everywhere but work so I knew the time was right to make the move. That's how I handled my transition. By about 2 weeks post FFS surgery I was ready. I had worked on voice training for almost 6 months, I had reached a complete clearing on my face, my hair was long enough and my female wardrobe was squeezing out the guy clothes. Near the very end I knew I had hit the full time bit when I hardly wore guy clothes even to work.

[Edge]

Don't know if this is directed towards guys too, but here goes.

I started binding and dressing like a guy while I was still figuring things out. The more I presented as a guy, the less comfortable I got with presenting as female. Even though I am transitioning socially, I'm having trouble just from the fact that I can't transition physically yet.
I know I am very lucky to live in a place where being trans* is more tolerated. I don't know you guys do it, but you have my sympathy and respect.

[JessicaH]

I've been getting rid of guy clothes and cleaning my closet out of anything that I'm sure I will never wear again. I put a few suits in rubbermaid containers and put them in the attic in case there was a funeral or something soon (It would make me sick to have to spend $500 for a suit to wear one time...). Closet getting bare because I hate every thing in there! lol

I'm due for my 4th laser session next month and have been EXTREMELY impressed with how well it's worked. I'm so happy the facial hair is almost gone but it also inflames the GID to see that kind of progress. Can't seem to win at this point.

[Brooke777]

If you are like me, once you go full time everything will be wonderful. I have been full time for just over a month now, and every day seems to get better and better. Hang in there. Everything will work out.

[JessicaH]

FtM's are more than welcome to add their input!  Thanks for doing so!!!   :-)

[suzifrommd]

How long did you take HRT and keep pretending to be your assigned gender before transitioning?

Starting HRT this week. Planning to go full time this summer.

How hard was this time period for you?

Aggravating. No one sees me as I really am. But also busy. Got Laser going on, building my wardrobe, therapy, etc.

What did you do to cope during that time?

* Know that help is on the way.

* Spend time with my support group and my trans friends.

* Keep busy.

* Do the things that I love.

Did you ever feel like your mental health was degrading from it?

Only when I consider the possibility that I might not be able to transition according to my plan.

Did you feel obsessed with all things transgender and just feel sick of it being on your mind and invading every fascet of your life and thoughts?

Every. Single. Blasted. Minute.

[Beth Andrea]

Let's see...HRT in Feb 2012, name change at work in may 2012, moved into my own apt also...wore only F clothes after... legal name change in June...

So...4 months?

[Zeda]

This is a topic that stresses me every so often, so I am putting my input here, though I have not started HRT (in fact, I  just started looking for a GT a half hour ago to no avail). Anyways, I am not full time and I lose sleep stressing about it. I am still in college, I am out to my family and friends, but most of the people at college that I will see may or may not know. Certainly the professors do not know, and I have two jobs, one of them I am pretty sure most of my coworkers know and my employers simply because my spouse and I are open about it there. The other job is as a tutor and I am not sure how well the parents would react (they are conservative, but they aren't oppressive).

Anyways, I have been having lots of dreams lately about being full time before I pass and it causes me quite a bit of distress. However, I think being out already is also putting stress on me to start being full time. I'm not hiding it, I have gone to school on several occasions, work, and I have been around town in the middle of the day dressed in female attire. It is almost like being out is pressuring me to go all the way, so I am trying to combat that, mentally.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I started HRT in Jan 2008, and began living part time.  In Sept the same year I legally changed my name and when full time.  I had given my employer a transition package a couple months before.  I went on vacation and my co workers were informed as to the change.  I was lucky in that I was not the first to transition in my district.

[Zumbagirl]

Anyways, I have been having lots of dreams lately about being full time before I pass and it causes me quite a bit of distress. However, I think being out already is also putting stress on me to start being full time. I'm not hiding it, I have gone to school on several occasions, work, and I have been around town in the middle of the day dressed in female attire. It is almost like being out is pressuring me to go all the way, so I am trying to combat that, mentally.

So what do you feel is the obstacle holding you back? I could guess all day, but never hit on it. It it money, just going and filing the nme change, fears?  Is it just that you feel you are not done cooking in the oven yet?

if you are hanging on hoping to be a 100% passable female then you are dead in the water. When it was me, I had to size myself up and just pick a point and say yeah this is going to have to be good enough. Looking passable is nowhere near the same as actually "being" passable. There is a lot to learn that can only come from living the part 24/7. That's the only way one cane make the determination. If you worried about physical appearances then don't. Most people are not very observant in the day to day world and won't single you out unless that's what you want.

No one starts off day 1 full time as a goddess (that comes later!). Walking the walk and talking the talk required me to simply let go of my lifeline that had gotten me to this point and then move on. Hope that helps!

[RachelH]

Well I thought I would take HRT for a year and keep it completely secret from everyone at work.  However it didn't end up that way.

I work away for 3 month at a time and within a week of been on board my ship I was freaking out and getting extremely distressed that people where meeting and starting to know of me as a male (my first time on board a ship, new job). I felt I was living a complete lie by been him, and I hadn't even been out of the door as me yet.  However at home everyone knew, and was starting to come to terms with the idea of who I really was. Anyway I had to tell the doctor and the personnel manager within that week, it helped, but I was starting to panic.  As time went on I told progressively more people, and when I was around just them people, I came "alive", but it still hurt as I had to pretend around those who didn't know.

Those 3 months, were only a few people knew were the darkest and most miserable of my life, I cried so much, hid a lot of the time and had panic attacks.  Onboard a ship miles from family and friends and the security blanket that is home, it was a very very bad combination.  I read my journal from that period sometimes, and I realise that I was extremely lucky not to have done something stupid. I ended up been medically disembalked due to the stress and panic attacks 

I had 3 months off and before I came back onboard, I asked the company to tell everyone that I planned to transition, not during the next trip but at Christmas, so the next 3 months on board were a little bit confusing for everyone, as I was still male, but I started to express myself more, and people treated me VERY differently. I at least felt I was been honest with myself and the people I work with... I had a pretty good contract to be truthful, completely different to the first 3 months.

By the end of them 3 months I knew I was ready, I was been misgended by passengers a lot, and also by the crew.  I came back home and within 2 week I had gone full time.  I've not looked back, and have never been happier then the last 2 months. In total I have been on HRT for just under 11 months when I went full time. Oh, yes I was obsessed with transgender thoughts, I still am; but now mainly that is fading to manageable levels and I think I'm into more normal female thoughts. 

[RachelH]

if you are hanging on hoping to be a 100% passable female then you are dead in the water. When it was me, I had to size myself up and just pick a point and say yeah this is going to have to be good enough. Looking passable is nowhere near the same as actually "being" passable. There is a lot to learn that can only come from living the part 24/7. That's the only way one cane make the determination. If you worried about physical appearances then don't. Most people are not very observant in the day to day world and won't single you out unless that's what you want.

No one starts off day 1 full time as a goddess (that comes later!). Walking the walk and talking the talk required me to simply let go of my lifeline that had gotten me to this point and then move on. Hope that helps!

This is so true.  Things have changed so much since been full time, I can't even imagine how awkward and unconfident I was even 2 months ago, and these just draw attention too you, as people know something is wrong.

[Zeda]

So what do you feel is the obstacle holding you back? I could guess all day, but never hit on it. It it money, just going and filing the nme change, fears?  Is it just that you feel you are not done cooking in the oven yet?

if you are hanging on hoping to be a 100% passable female then you are dead in the water. When it was me, I had to size myself up and just pick a point and say yeah this is going to have to be good enough. Looking passable is nowhere near the same as actually "being" passable. There is a lot to learn that can only come from living the part 24/7. That's the only way one cane make the determination. If you worried about physical appearances then don't. Most people are not very observant in the day to day world and won't single you out unless that's what you want.

No one starts off day 1 full time as a goddess (that comes later!). Walking the walk and talking the talk required me to simply let go of my lifeline that had gotten me to this point and then move on. Hope that helps!

The logical part of me knows this and that is why I have been out a few times. The stuff that holds me back:
-My voice (I am working on it, though!)
-Self consciousness about how I look.
When it comes to money, I don't mind. I grew up in a low-income family, so money has never been too difficult to handle. I cannot start HRT for a few years because my spouse and I want to have kids first before either of us does any transitioning, and before that I want both of us to have at least a Bachelors degree finished and I want to be financially stable before bringing a child into the mix.

As to the self-consciousness about how I look, that has never been much of a challenge for me to get past. The first time I wore makeup, I was in high school before homeroom, I was taken to a spot just outside the girl's bathroom where the mirror was located, and I put on the makeup with a bunch of people staring at me. I was nervous and my hands were shaking, but every time I caught myself starting to panic, I would calm myself down and smile Similarly, that is how I react whenever I change my look.

My voice is my biggest concern, now. HRT is not going to happen for a few years so I have that put out of my mind and I am basically fine with my image. I don't care if I look like a guy in a dress-- that will just provide an example for people that don't want to conform to a gender. So this leaves me with time to focus on my voice. I don't know why this is what is dragging me down, but I think it just has to do with who I am. I do not like speaking and I have difficulties with it (my brain bogs down very quickly). I prefer simply to make noises, so I have never really trained my voice to form speech well. I can make noises that go all over the sound spectrum, but I cannot pull it into controlled speech. However, I am in a wonderful mental state at the moment that is making me obsess over perfecting the trait, so hopefully I get it down soon.

I would feel uncomfortable to be referred to with feminine pronouns while using a masculine voice .__.

Zeda returns thread back to Jessica.
I am just curious, Jessica, do you have this worry, too?

[suzifrommd]

if you are hanging on hoping to be a 100% passable female then you are dead in the water. When it was me, I had to size myself up and just pick a point and say yeah this is going to have to be good enough.

Well I'm not even doing that. I'm going full time this summer at whatever passability I've achieved at that time.

* It's not about passability, it's about living as a member of your true gender. Passability is nice, but I know a lot of very happy MtFs who don't pass.

* It helps me stop worrying. (What if my speech doesn't pass? What if my looks don't pass? Etc.)

* I really want to be accepted as a woman. I don't need to pass for that to happen. (Feel free to debate this point, ladies, but my non-passing friends have no trouble being accepted as women. Everyone can see that they're women. Their femininity is unquestionable, passing or not. A non-passing woman can be VERY feminine and very beautiful.)

[SophiaA]

Hi Jessica,

You bring up very difficult and stressful situations. I also worked in sales across several industries and I think you have picked a VERY difficult industry to transition it. I would caution you to think a closing skirt will some how make your sales better. This is rare even for GG's.

For what it is worth, life is a VERY long journey. Being a female is not about the now but for a lifetime. I'd suggest using your excellent income to retrain in a more trans-friendly industry - healthcare, technology, design, marketing ... And bite the bullet in male mode while selling. 

Consider attending your classes et'fem and your company might even have a program to pay for your new degree.

Unemployed, transitioned and with no resume to find work is a bad situation.

But I know and agree the more you HRT the harder it is to go back.

You are actually in a good situation. Travel and money makes being a female easier!

Sophia

[JessicaH]

Hi Jessica,

I'd suggest using your excellent income to retrain in a more trans-friendly industry - healthcare, technology, design, marketing ... And bite the bullet in male mode while selling. 

Consider attending your classes et'fem and your company might even have a program to pay for your new degree.

Unemployed, transitioned and with no resume to find work is a bad situation.


Sophia

Funny you say that  but I'm thinking about sharpening my skills up a bit and taking the MCAT so if I decide to, I can apply to medical school.