Ok took a long while to post, and I just re read the Terms so that I get a grip on my post (I'm bad for forgetting the rules, I admit that freely). But I am not really here to talk about a lot of things that I likely should not discuss at any rate
I'm just despondent. I feel majorly defeated. Like the battle is over, get over it, I lost.
I am STILL waiting to hear back from the shrink that gave me an initial discussion. How the heck long does a man need to figure out some sort of reply? It was in last November. Am I that complicated? Hardly likely. I have no one in the professional community to talk to. I feel somehow totally without support.
But that is just a fringe hassle. The real hassle, is I seem trapped. I am stuck in his life, looks like I will not be escaping his life, in other words, it looks like there won't be a moment where MY life has any sort of existence.
I would like my wife to be ok with me being ME, at least a bit. But sadly, she wants him. That's ok with him of course. Leaves ME out in the cold though. I get dumped by him the moment he's had his fix. And it is fairly clear, that while the wife is ok knowing I am in here somewhere, just so long as I don't bother her. So that makes me feel unwanted, even if she doesn't mind that I exist, just so long as she has no need to notice in any fashion.
Yeah sure, I'd like to be able to go shopping with or without her as me. I'd like to be able to go out to lunch with her as me. I'd like her to realize I love her as much as he does. I just want to be wanted. I don't mind that she wants me to retain his parts so that she can enjoy being with him in that fashion. I can live with being him the moment the clothes come off.
But there is no sign there will be any day when I get to be me, in appearance, done up nicely.
I will always be someone looking out from the inside, yet never apparently present.
It's depressing to know, that I can claim to be 'here' and yet, aside from maybe smelling nice, no one needs to really care, or even notice. I mean, everyone likes to look nice eh, but, I will be doomed to be invisible. It will always be him they see. Even if he isn't even there.
I don't hate his clothes, but lets be honest, would you like being forced to wear the other sides clothing and told it was not your choice in the matter? Pants are handy for working in, but they are not equal to a nice skirt. What's the point to making my legs look nice, if I'm wearing pants. Currently the only person noticing them is me.
Part of me wants to photoshop an image of myself into an image of a wig I might like to wear and to see, would I even look nice to begin with. But what's the point. If I look horrible it means I lost before I ever began. If I should be by some miracle marginally attractive, then I just get to lament what I could be if only allowed.
I like shopping, but now, well why punish myself.
I wouldn't go into a hobby store if I was never going to be allowed to get a model.
My diet has stalled out on me, and I have to wonder, why am I making myself miserable over a few pounds and a specific waist measurement, I am not going to be shopping for a skirt anyway. Thus, it has ruined what seemed like a nice challenge with a nice prize at the end. I'm over weight, but not enough to be really concerned. I am merely not thin. I've seen what FAT looks like, and thankfully I am not that way.
I caved in the other day about the name too. Ok why bother her over a name. What's the real point. 90% of the time or more, I am called Les. No one says first and middle name, as I am not from the US south. So being addressed as Les is the norm and no one is going to fret over my name being different when written out in full. Not much point making people dispute my identification 'but that's a girls name and you're a guy?'. No I'm female inside and thus a girl hence the name. 'No you're a guy with someone else's ID and trying to pull some garbage on me'. I can just see it. Bad enough I have Canada Post telling me I can't have my damned mail because I don't have photo ID. I can't wait for them to tell me my long time in coming modern birth certificate is not sufficient. I have less trouble having mail get sent to my wife. But she has managed to get a photo health card. Dumb things though are only good for a few years. I'd rather stick with my original lasts forever non photo version.
Sorry I am rambling.
I am being forced, if I want to keep the woman I love more than life itself, to retain all semblance of being him, otherwise she says she's married to a woman and she doesn't wish to be married to a woman. I suppose that means she loves him, and not me. That also feels crummy. But what does a person do? Becoming a woman means I lose her, and he loses her as well. So neither of us are in a hurry to ruin if for either of us.
And the last thing I want, or have a lot of interest in hearing, is how I am really just one person and that I need to 'heal' as the women were telling me before I was connected to the shrink that has not seen interest in connecting with me since. I don't want to 'heal', because I don't consider myself him, and he doesn't consider himself me either.
And I am also tired of the constant bickering in my head. It seems like I am running to operating systems at the same time. I don't recommend it much.
I don't really know what to do.
Doesn't seem a lot of point discussing being transgender with people that only have one person in their heads and who are currently engaged in sorting out an anatomical aggravation by having the body converted.
I think of myself as transgender in as much as I am NOT gay or preferring men even if I feel feminine like it seems some see to think gay men are. I see myself as female. I am just stuck in a male frame. Yippee damned hurrah. Yes I understand, normally females like males, well the hetero females that is. So it is a bit of a complicated mess, because even though I think of myself as being an ordinary female, I actually still prefer females. Or rather males disgust me just enough I can't picture myself ever wanting one.
And that leads to the hate I have mentioned before. Used to think the hate problem was his, but to be honest I think it's my problem. I can't seem to stop hating men. When I walk down the street I am always being battered by hate directed towards males I encounter for no reason for anything they have done (which is generally nothing as I think it is all in my head normally). I've heard of anger management, but I have never heard of hate management.
So I find myself having troubles socializing, as the more I go out, the more likely I am to be exposed to thoughts of hate directed at total strangers. And it really bothers me. Not to mention I have the view the more female I try to make myself, the more I likely would be given reasons to dislike men.
And I am just chasing my tail in circles here. I am not going anywhere.
I am stuck, I have had to do it to myself too.
So I can't even claim I am being forced into this choice.
