i think im asexual :(

[oZma]

so i think im an aesxual... i just watched that documentary called "(a)sexual" and well it seems like i'm one of them... maybe? 

the way i understand asexuals is they just don't have an attraction to men or women.  they may masturbate, relive themselves sexually, but aren't interested in doing the sex with men or women. 

i think back in my life and my sexuality has always been an internal orientation.  it has always been about being feminine, wearing cute clothes, etc... to the point i believed  ->-bleeped-<-... granted i understand why she is wrong, but at the time i read it... it made sense to me.

so in attempt to understand my sexuality growing up, i took these feelings as "wanting to be feminine" as "wanting a feminine girlfriend" and dated girls, had sex, fell in love, etc...  i look back and i can't tell if i was attracted to these girls or if i thought i was supposed to be attracted?  sex always seemed very removed for me.  i had to think about other things in my head to get off or else i would loose my erection which caused lots of anxiety about sex.

so now after living as female for ummm 9 months and have gone on dates with guys, even slept with one, i don't really seem all that excited by the idea of men.  i even had a pre-T transman come home with me one night and try to do sex with me ~ he liked it, but wasn't really sure what i was supposed to do lol

i go back and forth in my head between whether i like boys or girls, this stresses me out... one second i think i want to be the submissive in a relationship with a guy, then the next i miss the loving relationship i had with women?  one day i tell myself i like men, the next i tell myself im a lesbian... now i'm starting to think i just don't like either and my brain just doesn't want to accept that... so i spend time trying to like guys only to realize i don't and then i go back telling myself i like women only to realize the same thing. 

but then again, it could just be my fear of being a trans?  the fact i have a penis instead of a vagina?  that i don't want anal sex with a guy?  that i don't want to be with a guy when i still have a penis? 

i think in my head i just need to give men a chance and ill realize i like them, but every time i go on a date or even think about it, i get turned off

maybe i just need a vagina?  or maybe i just need to accept that i'm asexual and neither boys or girls turn me on?  i don't know why but just thinking about being an asexual makes me cry?  it hurts

so i guess i'm wondering if anybody else has these same kind of feelings?  if anyone has experience with what i feel?

[Rena-san]

Yes I am also asexual. I've know for awhile now about my sexual orientation and was much more self-accepting of it than my gender identity. Not having sex is fine in my religion, it encourages it! Saying your gender is different than what your primary and secondary sex organs would tell you it is considered wrong, and to act upon it is a sin.

I often wondered though if I would have had a sexual orientation if I was accepting of my own genitals. So you may be right there. But I don't think GRS would fix my self-loathing and sense of shame associated with sex. That's a mental thing that is a combination of discomfort with my gender AND my own self religious indoctrination (I did it to my self, and I still accept my religion).

Anyway, I find girls attractive but I have never been sexually aroused by a woman. I am strongly repulsed by men. I've never self-pleasured myself either.

[oZma]

yes i want sex, yes i can orgasm, yes i enjoy sex (err, masturbation)... but what i don't understand is why i don't feel attracted to men or women

maybe i just haven't found the right one?  maybe i'm a pansexual? maybe i put too much emphasis on my orientation?

maybe i'm more attracted to personalities?  then sex comes after?  i don't know, im so tired of contemplating this

[BunnyBee]

I can relate, majorly.  I feel like I've crossed women off the list because physical intimacy with them always was a horror show for me, but then sometimes I doubt it.  I think I am attracted to men, but I don't even trust myself to know.  I feel like I won't know until I'm with a man whether that is something I truly want.  And when I think about having sex with a man I feel nervous about that.  It may be because sex has always been so traumatic for me.  It may be, like you say, I need a vagina, then sex can be something I can even consider.  Honestly I don't feel that strongly about anything.  I think that is a difference between how you and I feel.  I'm not stressing about it at all.  I think I could live without having sex ever again.  Or could I?  lol

[MaidofOrleans]

I had the same kind of phase as you but it always went back to the same sexual desire for men. No matter how hard I tried the other way , my feelings jumped back. That's how I knew at least.

[Zumbagirl]

yes i want sex, yes i can orgasm, yes i enjoy sex (err, masturbation)... but what i don't understand is why i don't feel attracted to men or women

maybe i just haven't found the right one?  maybe i'm a pansexual? maybe i put too much emphasis on my orientation?

maybe i'm more attracted to personalities?  then sex comes after?  i don't know, im so tired of contemplating this

As a bisexual person I can relate to the confusion bit. Looking at me from the outside my orientation may seem confusing, but to me life doesn't seem to be confusing at all. After I was done with my transition I wanted to experiment to figure just who the heck I even am. I don't feel that I am sexually unattracted to men or women because I am, sometimes I choose to do nothing and it might appear that I am asexual. I have no idea what that makes me. I like sex but I draw the line at certain things, like I would never want to be whipped, and it would never want to dominate someone else. I guess that makes me a sexual fence sitter, but not an asexual.

[oZma]

maybe i just feel that men can't like a girl like me... that if they do, its a fetish thing?  that they are only interested in my penis, and not me?  and because of this thought, i'm just protecting myself.  protecting myself from liking guys because if i like a guy, then he finds out im a trans, he won't like me (or can't like me)

that sounds more like crazy internal transphobia?  like i would never want to subject a straight guy to a trans like me?

[MaidofOrleans]

maybe i just feel that men can't like a girl like me... that if they do, its a fetish thing?  that they are only interested in my penis, and not me?  and because of this thought, i'm just protecting myself.  protecting myself from liking guys because if i like a guy, then he finds out im a trans, he won't like me (or can't like me)

that sounds more like crazy internal transphobia?  like i would never want to subject a straight guy to a trans like me?

No it just sounds like fear of being hurt mixed with low self esteem.

I've heard enough stories to the contrary to know those fears are dumbfounded.

[oZma]

No it just sounds like fear of being hurt mixed with low self esteem.

I've heard enough stories to the contrary to know those fears are dumbfounded.

so instead of looking at a guy and feeling attraction, instead i think how he won't like me back because i'm trans, or too tall, or ugly, or masculine?  and i don't even let myself get to the attraction?

that could make sense?

[Bex80]

You seem to be putting yourself under a lot of pressure oZma. There is no right answer, go with how you feel at the time. Love and friendship are more important than sex imho. X

[hazel]

Oh yeh mines not exactly the same as your's, but I have confusion issues definitely. When I was younger I had romantic attraction towards females and some physical attraction towards both genders, now I am physically attracted almost exclusively towards men with no romantic attraction too either gender. I have pretty much come out as gay at this point because of that, but I'm worried that while I am sexually attracted towards guys I will never actually feel the same way about one like I did about women when I was younger, or even that I will suddenly find myself falling for a woman again and have to undo my coming out.

If fear that if I continue to feel the way I do now it is extremely unlikely I will ever be in a relationship, and if I become female the likelihood will plummet even lower than that.

If you're anything like me you're probably not asexual, you just don't know what you want, eh, sorry I'm not really any help, can only offer a little solidarity I'm afraid 

[oZma]

You seem to be putting yourself under a lot of pressure oZma. There is no right answer, go with how you feel at the time. Love and friendship are more important than sex imho. X

this is what my therapist tells me lol too bad i don't have any friends and my family is a bunch of crayzy people oh well i guess ill figure it out in time... or ill just stay a recluse living with my dog... maybe i should start collecting cats? 

[BunnyBee]

this is what my therapist tells me lol too bad i don't have any friends and my family is a bunch of crayzy people oh well i guess ill figure it out in time... or ill just stay a recluse living with my dog... maybe i should start collecting cats?

Well I think you should get at least one... just a general life rule there.

[oZma]

Well I think you should get at least one... just a general life rule there.

ok i have friends... just none in Sacramento... i just moved here when i went fulltime 9 months ago.  i've tried making friends here, forced myself to hang out with people that i knew i didn't really get along with for the only reason to "get myself out there" and it didn't really work out. 

so lets not talk about me not having any friends.... its getting off topic

[BunnyBee]

Oh I was talking about cats haha.  Not that that was any more on topic.

[BunnyBee]

How about this to get back on topic?  For the people that feel like it isn't a big deal, let me explain why it is.  I would love to have a strong libido so I could pursue a relationship with a man, or whomever I am attracted to.  I would love to want to have sex so that I could create a strong bond with my partner.  I really don't want to be asexual because being alone kind of sucks.  I want to share my life with somebody.

I just am kind of holding out hope that I will get with a guy and feel those, idk fireworks? people speak of, and then this problem will be solved.  I just don't feel like I'm in a place where I want to do that right now.  Too many body issues.  So I don't feel stressed about it currently.

[oZma]

How about this to get back on topic?  For the people that feel like it isn't a big deal, let me explain why it is.  I would love to have a strong libido so I could pursue a relationship with a man, or whomever I am attracted to.  I would love to want to have sex so that I could create a strong bond with my partner.  I really don't want to be asexual because being alone kind of sucks.  I want to share my life with somebody.

I just am kind of holding out hope that I will get with a guy and feel those, idk fireworks? people speak of, and then this problem will be solved.  I just don't feel like I'm in a place where I want to do that right now.  Too many body issues.  So I don't feel stressed about it currently.

yes, this is how I feel... but it becomes the question of whether its body issues or if its just inherent asexuality? if its just body issues then I should be working towards solving my body issues... I'm told I pass, have a good body, sound feminine so that might less of the issue... but if its my genitals, I might need surgery to fix that?

maybe I just need a boy to accept my body the way it is? then maybe I can accept it?

but then again, occams razor, I'm just asexual and need to accept it?

[Isabelle]

You could be asexual... but just to be sure I think you should have sex with me, just to find out... You know, like, in the interests of science ? :p

[Aleah]

I went through this too, I think it's a phase. Especially now that I'm HRT, my spontaneous sex drive has diminished greatly. I can't look at a guy or girl anymore and get spontaneously aroused physically. The way I figured out I wasn't, was just having sex lol.

However, having said that, the thought of sex with a guy still gets me aroused very quickly. But lets say I see a cute and hot guy on the street, I know he's cute and hot, I'm not going to get aroused immediately. I need to put some conscious effort into fantasizing before I get aroused. I don't mind, it means I don't get distracted by sex on a day to day basis like I used to.

As for being with guys, sure I don't get spontaneously in the mood like they do but I just go with it anyway and do the deed to make them happy. Turns out I end up enjoying it every time, even if the arousal isn't there at the start, the physical act is enjoyable once you get started.

A lot of people might frown on this but I enjoy casual sex (and throw around words like promiscuous or slut), which means I am happy to get with ->-bleeped-<-s while I'm pre-op, why should I deny myself some casual fun since it's going to be a while?

Just like normal guys, their not all sleazy, some are really sweet. Feels great having someone accept my body the way it is even though it's far from what I want still, it's kinda validating. And I don't need to feel bad around them, talk freely about transition, some are very support and willing to listen and help out.

Anyway, I'm far more attracted to someone I can form an emotional connection with (i.e. fireworks/whatever euphemism), there are guys I have crushes on that I know simply from getting to know them. Then the spontaneous arousal comes from a non-physical place.. that's the way it works for me now 

One day I hope to find a normal guy to have a serious relationship and hopefully raise a family but that is going to be a while 

[BunnyBee]

Yes, Occam's Razor.  Such a great invention for stopping overthinkers.  I don't trust thinking because overthinking leads to so many wrong ideas.  Always better to go with how you feel, imo.  I think, however that you have to have all the data in (I'm talking like a robot wtf?) before Occam's Razor really applies anyway.  I think having the right genitals is a very important data point that both of us are missing.  Okayyyy, still talking like a robot...

For me, I'm withholding judgement at least until I have an experience with a man.  After I have been with a man and say he kisses me, if I feel the same thing I always did with women, which is, uuuumm this is very wet...when is she going to stop?? then I will start to get very concerned.  But even then I don't know if I can ever make sex work while I have the wrong body parts, so I will still want to wait till after that before making any firm conclusions.

Body issues don't go away when people tell you that you look good btw, at least not for me.

If I do turn out to be asexual, then I think we should create like a club and agree to like all pair off so we can each have a partner for our lives.  We can cuddle, hug, maybe some light kissing, but keep your gd tongue out of my mouth, it's the rules!  Otherwise we'd just be friends facing life together.  That does sound kind of nice...

PS I think my sex drive has gone up with hormones, but not enough that I trust it...