It's a tough question and probably a tough life. I mean how many different social stigmas can you stack against yourself?
I want to be with women, but, well, tg, complete anxiety at male gender role in sexual activites, etc etc. For the first time in my life, I find myself interested in lesbian porn, which never did anything for me (even as a horny young boy trying to compensate, hah.) When I originally came to realize my TG I was stuck in the mindset that to be feminine one needed to be with a man, but obviously that's just the pendulum swinging. I mean I have strong desires for what women want physically from a man, but beyond fantasies I have no attraction to them.
I never wanted to be a gay man, it was a real difficult thing to deal with in my teens when I didn't know about TG and still had those fantasies. Reading peoples' experiences here has made me realize that there's so much more to worry about with a homosexual relationship and it's heartbreaking. The people who are too ashamed from personal fears or social/family to be able to commit to a relationship, despite wanting to. The lack of public affection. What's been a surprising realization for me was the doors it would close - women who would be interested in me as a person as a man wouldn't be interested if i were to transition... that's been the hardest.
"Gay" is such a screwed up divider in our society. Is there any reason for your double standard other than the fact that it's a lot less accepted for guys to be bi/gay than women? (Despite the fact that, I believe, a ->-bleeped-<-load of men are but it's a pissing contest between them to front who's the straightest. look at the church.)
I mean, [damn]. My sexuality is such a screwed up ball of confusion (that's what the world is today, hey hey) that I really don't like applying labels to it because it can go in so many different ways. I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm probably the farthest thing from normal straight, but outside of places where I'm presenting my TG self there's no way in hell i'll identify as anything but. Hell, almost every single man who hit on me when I frequented an adult site was listed as straight. A lot of them talked about panties and gay flings as well. It became a running amusement for me because I knew it wasn't them seeing my inner self and thus having a heterosexual attraction, it was them seeing my lingerie and fronting an accepted sexuality.
Outside of simply BAD situations like working for bigots, or running into some in an alley, the biggest problem is self doubt. If you're confident in what you are and what you want, then with caution only for the danger the world around you offers, dive in.
If you've never been with a man as a man, you may find out the experience is something wholly different than what you expected anyway. That's why I fully expect myself, at some point, to have a mm relationship (or at least physical.)
And as for sexual orientation and my transition (or potential of, since i haven't officially started)... I'm not sure exactly. In my current body i just feel awkward, unable to be what a woman wants and I don't want to be with a man like this. The desire to be a woman isn't spurred by this, of course, i just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
Another thing.
If you identify as male, he identifies as male, and he identifies YOU as male, then yes, it's gay.
edit: vv Well I started this as a second post but the board is neat vv
I spoke to a very sweet FTM man who had just discovered susan's, very much closeted. he sounded pretty frustrated and alone and confused (if you read this, you know who you are - register already and contact me, would love to chat again some time.) It was a real trip for me, mentally, though, because I have a double standard as well. It's so difficult for me to put the shoe on the opposite foot and see a biological woman who wants to be a man. We pretty much went back and forth about "you know X? God I hate that" "I love that! I hate y" "Ugh!"
It made me think about being with a pre-op FTM and how I would have real great difficulty seeing him as a man instead of a woman, mostly because I have a stronger desire to be with a woman. And that would be both really hypocritical and really quite horrible if I were to involve myself with one and look at him as a woman because it would be very disrespectful and dishonest. And what would that be? Bio man who identifies as a woman creating a female appearance being with a biological woman who identifies as a man creating a male appearance, interested in the MTF as a heterosexual relationship, with the MTF seeing the FTM as still a female for a homosexual relationship... just try to label that anything besides a complete cluster.
Which leads me to something else I read here a while back, about one MTF's experience with being hit on by gay men even very far into her transition where she was beyond any surface doubts a woman. They still identified her as a man, a gay man for doing what she did, and had attraction to the plumbing that was still below.
This is why I say if *he* identifies you as being a man, rather than seeing you as still a woman because you have a vagina, and it somehow comforts some sort of self doubt he has about his own bi/homosexuality.
