I live out of state for now, so when I decided to cut ties with everyone from home before my transition, it was a pretty serious thing. I stopped calling people, I stopped chatting on FB, disconnected my phone, I disappeared. No one but my family knows where I moved to. I got rid of that past life so soundly, I feel zero connection to it. I started fresh slate. I made a new FB and got on with life. I did keep the old FB though, because I knew I might need it for something eventually. So when I needed to get in contact with an old co-worker to see if I was eligible for rehire, I popped over to 'her' (my old) account. And 'she' had one message. From someone who loved 'her' very dearly. And all it said was, "WHERE ARE YOU".
I feel like I killed someone. I actually feel guilt now, because of this one damn person. I don't care about anyone else, I'm schizoid, I don't make strong relationships with people. But I've known him literally since we were babies. We went to school together, preschool through high-school, spent every summer together, but grew apart when he went to the military. A few years ago we got back in touch, but since I live away from home we kinda lost contact again. He doesn't know his friend is completely gone.
I changed my name, my job, my address. Everything. And I haven't seen anyone from that past life since. I don't want to, I don't care. Even if I did, I don't think I could go back. People who were around for my transition say I'm nothing like I once was. My husband left me because he didn't know who I was anymore. He said his ring didn't matter anymore, because it was "etched with the name of someone who doesn't exist." Didn't affect me. (It's becoming increasingly evident that transitioning has really strengthened the schizoid, haha.) But this guy? This one guy? I killed his friend. And I feel horrible. And I don't know what to do. He won't recognize me as being 'her', not even a little. 'Her' and I don't look the same, we don't talk the same, we don't act the same, we have a completely different set of values... I mean, we look similar, I've had several people ask " Are you that tall girl's brother?" But never, "Are you 'her'?"
I'm at a loss. I don't think I can face him, but I don't want to tell him she's dead or something. Do I send him a letter? Saying she's... what, gone? She sailed away? Should I say anything? I don't really want to bring him into this new life, it would be a tie to the past I'm not sure I want, but I can't just leave him wondering if he's ever going to see her again.
