So, this post is full of many frustrations, with a dash of depression. Things are started to explode and implode around me. And it really has nothing to do with my Transition...well, maybe a bit.
I've been going to see a therapist for my ups and downs for almost 2 years with some progress. I really adore my therapist. And 8 out of 10 times, I'm doing okay, but when I get hit by something, I get hit pretty hard and it's hard for me to get back up. I don't expect people really to post on here, but if you do, I thank you ahead of time. I'm just wanting to vent.
My main issue:
The past year has been full of ups and downs. Almost 2 years ago, we were blessed with a special needs child who was born with a rare disease that has no known cure. It is progressive. Lately, my child has blown away what the doctors have predicted. They only gave her a few months and she's almost 2! She is a little fighter. We've had such bad nurses, in fact, she almost died the other day because the nurse didn't realize her trache had fallen out and she was suffocating! Luckily, my spouse heard the breathing alarms go off, and she saved my baby's life. This isn't the first time this happens. I have been traumatized by all this. And I am afraid and ashamed to say beaten to the floor. But, I keep going for her. If she has the will to survive, than I have to keep going by her side and fight even harder. BUT, my body is tired, my brain is tired and I'm tired of fighting with the state to get the appropriate care she needs. This is not to say that I don't want keep going for her, I really do, because it's really not about me, it's about her. I want her to feel that I am doing all I can for her. She is still enjoying life...enjoying us. Outside of the nursing situation she is a fighter and we manage to keep her as happy as we can. Her disease has stabilized for now. I'm happy about that.
Im not really sleeping well. I have constant nightmares about losing her. And most of the day, I try to find a way of keeping it all away from her. To be honest, when I hold her in my arms, it all kinda disappears. But, it's still a challenge for me. Everyday is a blessing and I thank the Universe that I have her and that she is still enjoying the life she has.
My family:
My family has pretty much done nothing to help us out.NOTHING. In fact, one of my siblings (who I named my daughter for) hasn't even managed to call even on the holidays and tells people that I just want the attention and I am using my baby for that! Then I had to kick my son out of the house because he started to get out of hand and spent more time on weed than helping out (he's old enough to be on his own).
My mom sides with my sister most of the time and I ended up getting yelled at because she told me my sister has gone through a lot...now, that she is on her 2nd divorce. Within, months she was already flying around the country to be with this guys (saw it on facebook), and it hurts that she hasn't had the time to see her niece.
Then:
I found out my ex business partner is going around telling people that I swindled him out of money---which, is a complete lie. In fact, he ended up forcing me to sell my end of the business when I was in such need in the ICU! So now, I have people that will not answer my calls or emails and I'm just assuming it's because of that.
Transition:
I've been going slowly, but it's been hard since I have to play the daddy with the hospital and doctors and they still don't know what is going on with me (transition). I've been afraid to say anything for fear they won't treat my baby well. The advantage is they do like me and I have a great relationship with them, but I think they would still have an issue with it. Im sure over the 2 years they have suspected something was up with me since there have been many changes. ESPECIALLY, now-a-days with my orchie and the E kicking in harder.
I'm at a point that even with the peach fuzz that I have remaining and without FFS people are mamming me and calling me Miss. Which is something that is happening more and more often. In fact, the other night, we went out and I was a little bummed, I didn't shave, I put my hair in a pony tail, had on some jeans and a v neck t shirt and the waiter STILL called me by female pronouns! Then we went over to a fast food place and they mammed me and called me Miss there too. So, I'll take what I can get for now. I'm not sure if the Orchie has anything to do with how I feel too. I've heard that some people experience depression afterwards but I'm pretty sure it's because of everything and not that. In fact, I have no regrets.
I'm also part time and it's killing me as well. But I worry about stuff too much I'm sure. I'm getting to that boiling point where I need to make up my mind soon what direction I'm going to go in with my transition. Going full time? Or keep it part time for now, until the dust settles and dealing with a transition that will have to be quite public (because I'm not famous, but known among certain circles in my profession). My therapist wants me to join a support group for trans people. I have mixed feelings about that though. I am not liking being around people lately because of some of the things I mentioned in the above. But, she made it mandatory for me to get free help I need to go to it.
My Spouse:
...is holding up well. Better than me. We know it's not about us, but the first year was dealing with the shock. The second, was dealing with the convoluted US Healthcare system and trying to have some semblance of life as a couple. She is definitely the strongest one out of all of us. She adjusted to the fact that we will be thought of as Lesbians. And when we are out at the mall shopping she openly holds my hand without worry. She is amazing. I couldn't ask for a better partner. But I feel like sometimes I give her added problems when I get so depressed. Then I get in that "Oh, I don't know why you are with me" mode. And that's not good. She has enough on her plate.
If it were up to her, I'd be full time. But, I'm still scared that the baby will be affected by this. So I'm part time. She tells me she will NEVER leave me, but in my head and the way I feel lately, I get a little paranoid. My negative thoughts take over me. So I fight with that.
SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?
I feel angry. I feel frustrated. I feel so depressed lately. I feel tired. I feel like I can't even count on a God. I feel lonely. I don't know why this is happening. And the only reason I am here is because of my spouse (who we found out has the gene for the disease and might get it... or not) and my baby. If they were to leave my side honestly, I would not be here. It wouldn't be worth it. So thanks to them, they keep me alive.
Going through transition is hard enough. I have no regrets that I started even though it's been really slow for me. I think it had to be that way. But, all of this is really getting to me and I feel like I'm getting too close to that hole I thought I was away from . As I write this, I really have to concentrate as much as I can because I've been so depressed. Then the one drug that they have seen work on people with the same disease was declined by the pharmaceutical company because my baby is trachea'd. Another reason for my depression.
I feel my therapy is going well, but I think I need more sessions.
I thank you for reading this convoluted whining and bitching. I know it's not about anything most of you can relate too. I guess I just needed to get this out of my system...out of my head.
