Any of you have a marriage that survived transition?

[Ayden]

My husband and I have been together ten years next month, and while we have only been legally married a year, we have lived together for 9 and considered ourselves married for a long time. The paperwork was a formality. He views my transition as "just a thing" and my being trans really only factors into our relationship when I whine to him to count me down for my shot (I'm sort of a wimp). I'm changing my body, not who I am as a person. He was actually the one that encouraged my scared, wimpy ass into therapy. Not all marriages survive transition, but mine is actually much, MUCH better now that it ever was before.

I'd add more but I'm in the process of battling a flu. If you have any questions though, I'm pretty open about everything. I'd have him chime in, but he left the forums. 

[ford]

Ayden - Congrats on ten years! I am curious though: how did your husband respond to being viewed as gay...was that ever an issue? And how did he react to your physical changes at first? (Also I hope you feel better soon!)

I'm trying to gently suggest that my husband join the forum for a while, just to look around and see what it's about. He said he'd like to at some point, so we'll see

TanaSilver - that's good at least that you and your SO do talk openly. Perhaps with discussion and lots of time the physical changes will be just a stumbling block...that is, something that can be overcome. I'm pre-everything so I wonder about this a lot.

[TanaSilver]

TanaSilver - that's good at least that you and your SO do talk openly. Perhaps with discussion and lots of time the physical changes will be just a stumbling block...that is, something that can be overcome. I'm pre-everything so I wonder about this a lot.

Thanks sweety She's my soul mate, so I have an impossible time imagining life without her, so I hope you're right. I think if there is any key to making this work with a spouse, it is communication and time. I hope things out work for you, sounds like they are so far!

[bojangles]

I was wondering if any of you have marriages that survived. And if so, why do you think it did? Did your SO have bi tendencies, and thus remained physically attracted to you?

So far, so good. Two years post transition. Been together longer than some here have been alive.
She had latent bi tendencies that resurfaced after a time of head scratching and self evaluation.
We are friends first, lovers second. That has always been the glue.

[ford]

We are friends first, lovers second. That has always been the glue.

Thank you. You have no idea how much hope those words give me.

[Beverly]

I have been married for over 20 years to a truly wonderful woman who I have always regarded as my soulmate and friend more than a wife. From the day we met, we got on really well and we have always enjoyed each other's company.

I am fully socially transitioned and it is now just a matter of letting my body catch up. I am out to everyone - family, friends and work. I live, dress and present as female. My body's changes are more and more obvious and strangers now treat me as female.

We are still together because we have too much to lose by separating. We would each lose our soulmate and we both still love each other. Things were difficult in the bedroom for a while but that is now sorted out as none of my 'plumbing' works properly any more. She has never regarded herself as a lesbian although she now says that by definition she has become one. Nonetheless she recognises that I am still me, just better, calmer and happier than before. We still enjoy going out together, we now dance together (I never liked dancing before, but I love it now) and we still share the same goals for our future. Our children still have two parents and our friends and family are supporting and we are still madly in love.

I know 3 other couples who are still together and they all have an MTF transitioner. My trans group has no trans men so I cannot comment on that side of things.

Good luck with everything.

[TessaMarie]

Thank you for the topic & for the replies.

I only just admitted my TG nature to my wife a couple of weeks ago when I landed myself in the ER after using phytoegstrogens for 2 days (each one lowered my blood pressure - all combined were a disaster waiting to happen).  We have since been seeing a TG therapist & there has been no more self-medicating since I came out to my wife.

She is finding it hard.  The phrase "I married a man" has been uttered many times.  I have no idea how far I need to take this, and often feel that it would be so much simpler if I could just be 'normal' (like I have any idea what that might be), even though I have known I wanted to be female since I was 5.  I managed to keep those feelings locked down for 38 years before the lid fell off the pressure cooker.

It is encouraging to hear about marriages based on friendship and trust that have survived partial, and even full, transition.

Thanks again for your words of hope 

[ford]

bev2 - thank you for sharing. I love that you and your wife still have what sounds like a fun and active time together. The shared goals comment gave me pause...

I came out to my husband a couple weeks ago, and then stepped back as best I could to let him digest this new reality. He has been asking questions occasionally, but for the most part he's off doing research about this situation, and thinking about what it means to him. Yesterday he approached me with a list he had made of his life and marriage goals (bless his adorable methodical engineer self). We went over them together, and the bottom line that he wanted to show was that my gender would not prevent him from reaching any of these goals outright. So, not an instant deal breaker in his eyes.

Of course the devil's in the details, and gender will certainly affect a few of them. He said at this point he just wants open dialog so he can understand to what extent and what to expect. It was an impressively rational conversation, given the subject matter.

At the end of it he offered to call me by my chosen male name. I told him he could if he feels alright with it and that it would mean a lot to me (I'm not anywhere close to a stage to forcing people who know my female name to use a male name...guilt guilt guilt  )

I have no idea how far I need to take this, and often feel that it would be so much simpler if I could just be 'normal' (like I have any idea what that might be), even though I have known I wanted to be female since I was 5.  I managed to keep those feelings locked down for 38 years before the lid fell off the pressure cooker.

Hi TessaMarie...glad others are getting something out of this! I completely understand the desire to just be 'normal.' When I see happy-seeming male/female couples irl or on tv, I feel guilt because that's what my husband signed up for. But I'm feeling that if we survive this, our relationship will be all the better for it.

[blueconstancy]

I should add outright that I'm another one whose marriage was based on friendship first; we'd been best friends since high school, and we used to say then that if the "dating" aspect fell apart, we'd always have that to fall back on. As it turns out, the romance is even *better* now, but it helped to have a lot of coping skills and habits that weren't relying on the sex/romance aspect of it as the defining point of our marriage.

Tessa Marie : I always say the first few days shouldn't be taken as a sign of anything, because people need a little while to freak out. I was terrified and confused and stressing already about a billion changes that wouldn't happen all at once... and by a year later, she was fully transitioned and I was fine (she had GRS last summer, three years after she started, and it didn't upset me at all). No, this isn't what she signed on for, but people adapt all the time when a marriage goes somewhere unexpected. Fear of the unknown/of change can be a lot worse than the actual change, if that makes sense.

Ford : Wow, is that encouraging, and also really sweet! The fact that he's trying to be rational and to meet you halfway is a terrific sign. (Although it's OK if he wants to get irrational sometimes, too. I remember moments when the pressure to be "reasonable" was the hardest part of the situation, because I wanted to throw a tantrum like a three-year-old and then get over it.)

[Shantel]

I should add outright that I'm another one whose marriage was based on friendship first; we'd been best friends since high school, and we used to say then that if the "dating" aspect fell apart, we'd always have that to fall back on. As it turns out, the romance is even *better* now, but it helped to have a lot of coping skills and habits that weren't relying on the sex/romance aspect of it as the defining point of our marriage.

This and others are such great commentaries, this being a reflection of my own life experience in marriage. Lengthy friendship preceded any intimacy, we were best friends first and foremost. Those whose marriages are founded on "Great Sex" rather than an intense initial friendship never seem to make it through the gamut. My heart breaks for those whose marriages with children crash and burn. Invariably there is limited commitment to begin with based on selfish motives.

[blueconstancy]

Shantel : Same here, with the caveat that it's those marriages which *stay* based on "great sex" or "honeymoon romance" that often don't seem to have the tools to weather a real crisis. There are some which start off b/c of smoking sex and then they do deepen into friendship as well. On the other hand, I know at least one couple (no trans people in it) who fell apart because they were unable to have sex because of external issues for about a year. It was, as you say, heartbreaking, and it definitely only gets more so with children involved.

But if our marriage were based on sex, it would have dissolved long ago; we had long stretches of being hundreds of miles apart, plus the Pill killed my sex drive (ironically!) for years, plus nursing her through GRS was a sex-less stretch. etc. I know sex is very important to a lot of people, but personally the idea of considering it the central part of our relationship is just foreign to me. And maybe that's why, in the end, transition was survivable for us - my best friend never changed and neither did the underlying love and commitment, even if the "packaging" did and the sex was different (better, thankfully, but that wasn't the point). All I needed was to hear from *someone* that it was possible for a person to transition without totally changing personality, and then it was just a question of getting through all the challenges. Together.

I tell people now that sure, she changed a bit *faster* over that year than is typical, but it's NOTHING close to how much we've both changed since we were 17 years old and first fell in love! If we could weather all of that - including college, moving out, buying a house, and generally growing up - there was no reason to think we couldn't manage this. Similarly, she stayed with me even though I'm almost double the weight I was at the wedding and both of us barely recognize the kids we were in those pictures (we were 22 when we married). It'd be pretty superficial to leave her because *she* looked different now, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's making light of things, to some degree. But the deeper pain and challenges aren't necessarily the business of prying acquaintances, either.

[Shantel]

 blueconstancy,
         Such a wonderful post! I've known my cis female spouse for fifty years. We met when she was 14 and I was 18 and married at 22 and 26 respectively. We are headed for out 44th anniversary in June and it hasn't been a smooth ride, dealing with the teenagers having drug abuse problems, our own financial ups and downs and need to recreate myself time and again following layoffs and business failures. PTSD issues from the Vietnam War, my transition 18 years ago and all that you have endured in your own experience with it. Love and undying commitment carried us through it all. The bright side of the transition was when the light clicked on and the emotionally unavailable man went away and the new emotional being emerged which only served to bring us that much closer.

[blueconstancy]

Shantel - That's a fantastic story! I hope we're lucky enough to be together as long as you two have. And clearly you both have been through many hard times that had nothing to do with transition, and were able to face them together. Not to me ntion that you both deserve a lot of credit for getting through transition at a time when there was much less information and acceptance (and no internet). It's stories exactly like yours that would have given me so much hope, because it shines through in everything you say how much you love each other and have remained committed to the friendship as well as the marriage.

[Shantel]

Shantel - That's a fantastic story! I hope we're lucky enough to be together as long as you two have. And clearly you both have been through many hard times that had nothing to do with transition, and were able to face them together. Not to me ntion that you both deserve a lot of credit for getting through transition at a time when there was much less information and acceptance (and no internet). It's stories exactly like yours that would have given me so much hope, because it shines through in everything you say how much you love each other and have remained committed to the friendship as well as the marriage.

Well it's like they say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" I think all the adversity has created a strong weld in our relationship. As it stands now we are a couple of grey headed {she's blonde : )} folks now joined at the hip. Those who don't know us think we might be a lesbian couple, but at this point who cares? She's my best friend and I adore her, that sentiment goes both ways!

[Adam (birkin)]

Yesterday he approached me with a list he had made of his life and marriage goals (bless his adorable methodical engineer self). We went over them together, and the bottom line that he wanted to show was that my gender would not prevent him from reaching any of these goals outright. So, not an instant deal breaker in his eyes.

That is probably one of the cutest things I have ever read. He sounds like a real sweetheart.

[Tejas]

That is probably one of the cutest things I have ever read. He sounds like a real sweetheart.

I second this!

[henrytwob]

What a timely topic. I am so happy to learn about couples who have indeed survived transition. I am almost temped to forward this to my husband and let him read it. Because, you see, last month he told me we needed to get divorced, this is not what he signed up for.

It is true, when we first married we had issues that I believe had nothing to do with my gender issues or even me in general. But he said he does not know what percentage the transgender thing plays in his decision to leave the marriage - 20%  - 80%, he's not sure. And this is without changing my body at all. He wants to be married to a woman- as he says. I can't argu with that. He also is very jumpy about sexuality, I suggested we go to counseling when I realized that I must be trans and he refused because he said I was really trying to change his sexual preference. When I explained I didn't think wild horses would change the sexual preferences of a 50 year old he said he didn't care.

I am very upset, we are actually a blended family and I love my step kids and my kids love their step siblings.

Oh we'll. I am truly and completely so happy for the couples who can weather transition. It truly show that even if we change the packaging, the stuff inside us does not change. We continue being who we are. Sorry to say, some men can not get beyond the bows and wrapping paper.

[blueconstancy]

Henry : First of all, my sympathy. It sounds like your husband is less willing to be flexible than some, and that's not a great sign. Especially if he won't work with you, in therapy or otherwise; if he's not willing to compromise, there's not a lot you can do. You CAN feel free to let him know to come read this thread, though!

I admit that I had a lot of moments of "this isn't what I signed on for" early on, too. But I tried to remind myself that nobody gets *exactly* what they expected out of a marriage. (Of course, I also wasn't 50 and with kids... easier to be flexible when it's earlier in life and there's no one but me who has to adjust.)

[Gene]

My husband knew I was a transman early on into our relationship. He's pansexual, so my body changing is no problem for him. He loves me as a person, not just for the shell I'm in.  We've been together 7 years on March 8 (our wedding anniversary of 3 years is the same date). Like all marriages, it's not perfect, but I'm confident we'll make it to the other side of my transition just fine and age well into our senility together. We're currently in marriage counseling, but that's to work out some minor issues in a healthy manner so they don't get bigger and to improve our relationship (something I can say I honestly feel is important for any long term relationship). Our communication has improved, we are happier, and our relationship is almost like new again.

He's also incredibly supportive of my choice to pursue transition. I spent a few years lamenting surgeries and hormones that were out of our financial reaches, so I decided to try resigning to my birth sex. I was miserable, and he saw it. He encouraged me to make myself happy, especially now that he has a new job with great healthcare (I don't know if it covers trans stuff yet, but we're trying) and better pay. He's such a sweetheart.

[Barbara Ella]

Apoligies, this is not about surviving transition, but about taking hope from what I have read here, and what I can take away as I approach my decisions.

I cannot relate the comfort I have gotten in the minutes I have read all the wonderful posts here.  I am going through the throes of telling my wife that I am transexual, and what that will entail.  Our marriage is a strong one of 42 years.  I came to this late, discovering I was a crossdresser only 17 months ago at age 65 then, accepting finding that I am really transgendered, and then absorbing the idea that I really am female at heart, and constantly beating myself up over it, and denying it, etc.  All to no avail.  She is currently not happy with my dressing, although she supports me intellectually and says she wants me to find myself, she will not see me as myself.  Early on she said she could never leave, but the next day says she could never be in a lesbian relationship. 

So I am going over all possibilities.  Starting over at 66 is not what either of us want, and I have put such a crimp in the life she was promised when I retired, and we were "set" for our golden years.  I don't have some of the concerns you younger ones do, but then i also don't have a lot of time to adjust and work through it.  quandry

She has seen I have not been happy these last few months, so I know the talk will have to occur sooner or later, it all comes down to what I am willing to do or not to, and the strength of the friendship we have.  I take comfort in the wonderful lives that have stayed united.

Barbara