Doubt... please help me

[Trixie]

First post here in a long time. A lot of the same problems I'm afraid.

I'm so tired of feeling doubt. Doubt about my gender. ;_;

I just want to be secure in my female-ness. I want that so badly. But I can't. I often think that maybe I'm not really trans. I'm so afraid that a therapist will tell me that I'm not really transgendered. That it's just an underlying pathology. Jealously, a sexual thing, something.

I want to be a girl. I want that to be okay. 

I don't have a ton of physical dysphoria. I've been over this before. I have a lot of dude-ish hobbies. I haven't felt this way as long as a lot of other trans people.

I just... there's a lot going against me, and I am desperate for a reason to believe that I truly am a lady.

I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. Basically, I have my doubts, and I want so badly to just view myself as a girl. Whatever that even means. I don't know.

[Adabelle]

You sound a lot like me early in transition. I had a lot of doubts, but I also was petrified that someone would tell me to not transition because deep down I knew what I always wanted.

In the end I realized if I could send my younger self a message I'd have told her to transition and not wait; with this knowledge I knew that my future self would do the same to me today. So I took steps forward.

It's not an easy road, but I can say with all honesty that I am so glad I transitioned. SO GLAD.

I don't know if you're like me. But in my case I too had doubts, and I am happy on the other side.

Being a tomboy is cool, and still totally female. Nothing wrong with liking doing boy things but having a girl body to do them.

Peace.

[Heather]

Its natural to be afraid there is nothing wrong with that. You should not worry your not feminine enough you don't have to be some stereotypical woman. Just be the woman you want to be. Women can have the same hobbies as men we just do them better! Don't let fear that your not feminine enough get to you. Just be yourself!

[Zumbagirl]

Being a tomboy is cool, and still totally female. Nothing wrong with liking doing boy things but having a girl body to do them.

Peace.

I'm down with this too. Just because I transitioned doesn't mean I suddenly had to drop my old life and take up knitting and sewing and cooking. I am still the product of my past and that will never change. So I also do things that might be considered dude like for example I love off road driving. You know what? I've found a lot of women into it too, and we have become friends. The last thing I would ever want in this world is  to deny who i am and live in another closet, except as a female bodied person. That would be just as rotten a place as where I came from. So I am a fusion of past and present, except I get to do everything as a girl and to me it makes it way more fun I consider myself to be a girl with an unusual past.

[Sarah Blomsterhatt]

I just now had somewhat similar thoughts myself, I'm mtf, I want to live and be percieved as a woman. But when I was about to go out just now I stopped myself from wearing what I wanted to. I wanted to go out wearing my baggy pants and my bomberjacket, possibly my beret aswell. But I stopped myself, because I know that if I do the chances of people seeing me as a woman are greatly diminished. I mostly wear womans clothes, but every now and again I want to wear me damn bomberjacket that I love to death!

Now to me this is mostly a winter problem, as I have to have my jacket closed unless I want to freeze to death. If that was not the case I feel quite comfortable wearing my jacket , because I can have it opened and when people see the boobs I go from a bloke to some sort of butch female.

What I'm trying to get at is that; do and wear what you want. There is no one way to be a woman just like there is no one way to be a man. In the end you will be better off doing what you feel comfortable with, because that gives you confidence, and nothing shows off your true self like selfconfidence. I got hobbies and intrest that would be considered either male of female, I play alot of games and I'm damn good at them (and I love it when guys get suprised that they get beat by a girl, I've been called hero because of my performance more times then I've been asked to show my tits. ). But I also love sewing and making and designing clothes, I like cooking, I like painting. All of these things are my hobbies, they do not make me any more female or male.

I hope atleast parts of that made sense, now I'm going to go out wearing me bomberjacket. It does not make me any less of a woman.

/S

[Zumbagirl]

I hope atleast parts of that made sense, now I'm going to go out wearing me bomberjacket. It does not make me any less of a woman.

/S

I just came back from the gym and when I go I wear a men's hollister hoodie. I bought it when i was shopping with another woman who also bought a mens hollister hoodie at the same  time. Personally I don't care. It doesn't change who I am. I was even wearing a guys t-shirt. It's winter, it's cold, I want to stay warm, and it something really comfortable to wear. It's something I bought at a ski resort last year and it's really comfortable to wear at the gym. None of that changes the fact that I am quite obviously a woman. I walk like one, talk like one, act like one, socialize like one. I'm heading out for breakfast with friends in a little while and by then I will have changed and put on something a bit more becoming by then like some jeans and a nice top, it still doesn't change who I am. If you like something wear it, enjoy it, treasure it,

[Emily Aster]

I'm going through this right now. Deep down, I know I'm trans and should transition, but I keep finding reasons that it's not true to avoid the emminent heartache. It's fear that stops me from moving forward, plain and simple. Funny thing is I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out watching the movie Rudy and just now picking up on the similarities between his life and my own. He has everybody he knows telling him that he'll never make it his whole life, but he does it anyway. I wish I could accept myself that way.

[Misato]

I'm down with this too. Just because I transitioned doesn't mean I suddenly had to drop my old life and take up knitting and sewing and cooking. I am still the product of my past and that will never change. So I also do things that might be considered dude like for example I love off road driving. You know what? I've found a lot of women into it too, and we have become friends. The last thing I would ever want in this world is  to deny who i am and live in another closet, except as a female bodied person. That would be just as rotten a place as where I came from. So I am a fusion of past and present, except I get to do everything as a girl and to me it makes it way more fun I consider myself to be a girl with an unusual past.

Love this!  Strikes me as a very healthy and practical point of view.

[JulieC.]

Wow, you've already gotten some great advice and I agree with what has already been said.  Two things you wrote resonated with me.

I don't have a ton of physical dysphoria. I've been over this before. I have a lot of dude-ish hobbies. I haven't felt this way as long as a lot of other trans people.

Like you I don't have the physical dysphoria and I don't remember wanting to be a girl when I was 6 like some others.  Really we are all different while being the same.  It doesn't mean you are or are not trans.

I'm so tired of feeling doubt. Doubt about my gender. ;_;

I have taken a lot of small steps and some big steps towards transition but I still have doubts on a daily basis.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and think wtf do you have any idea of what you are doing.  Other times I am as certain as can be.  I think (hope) it's natural to have some doubts.  I don't think you should fear talking to a therapist and what they may say.  They only try to help you to find peace with yourself. 

[suzifrommd]

Trixie, not all of us experience our transgender as a certainty that our gender is the opposite of our birth sex.

For me it isn't like that. For me, it's just an intense desire to live like a female, the conviction that that is the "right" way to live for me and to live as a male is the "wrong" way.

So intense, that the thought of living the rest of my life as a male puts me into a deep funk.

Is this sort of like what you're feeling?

I've had a lot of doubts along the way, but given that the sort of things I want and feel seem to be EXACTLY what my transgender sisters want and feel, I am now 100% certain I'm transgender, even though I don't feel like a woman a lot of the time.

I'm so afraid that a therapist will tell me that I'm not really transgendered.

No therapist can tell you this, sweetie. Only you know whether you're transgender. Your therapist can only help you figure it out.

I don't have a ton of physical dysphoria. I've been over this before. I have a lot of dude-ish hobbies. I haven't felt this way as long as a lot of other trans people.

^^
This describes most of the transgender women I've met and a lot of the women here at Susan's.

I posted some of these doubts early on in a thread on my blog. My friend Peky posted the following response (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,122596.msg959134.html#msg959134). It helped me a lot:

If you could imagine yourself as woman, you are already a woman..the rest is but details

[Trixie]

Thank you everyone for all your replies. They've been extraordinarily helpful. I'm sorry for not responding to everything. That certainly doesn't mean that I didn't find your message helpful.

If I was hard to understand in this thread, then I'm sorry. I was very, very distraught when I made it.

For me it isn't like that. For me, it's just an intense desire to live like a female, the conviction that that is the "right" way to live for me and to live as a male is the "wrong" way.

So intense, that the thought of living the rest of my life as a male puts me into a deep funk.

Is this sort of like what you're feeling?

That does sound a lot like how I feel. A whole lot. I also identified a lot with things you said in your thread.

I'll say more later. Right now I'm just need to think. But again, thank you all. You've helped me a lot. <3

[Anna++]

Like you I don't have the physical dysphoria and I don't remember wanting to be a girl when I was 6 like some others.  Really we are all different while being the same.  It doesn't mean you are or are not trans.

I didn't think this way either!  This has actually been one of my major doubts for a while, and I'm gradually getting over it.

I think (hope) it's natural to have some doubts.  I don't think you should fear talking to a therapist and what they may say.  They only try to help you to find peace with yourself.

I'm pretty sure doubts are natural for any kind of big change.  I know I've had my fair share of them, and from looking around at other threads I can see that others feel the same way.  You're definitely not alone here .

[Gene]

Reading these posts, I'm glad I'm not the only one with doubts, fears, and concerns about whether I am going the right direction with my gender identity. My mother isn't very supportive, and told me I probably have underlying problems that make me think I am a FTM. I stressed over this for a long time, thinking she may be right. It left my stomach in knots considering that I might be wrong, that my longings for being recognized publicly and personally as a male and eventually getting surgery to align my gender with my sex may not be the right thing for me to do.

I didn't have a lot of gender dysphoria as well. Despite my predominant male mannerisms I would still have "girly" moments and habits, I keep my hair long, I was interested in males (bringing on the whole "well why not stay a straight woman? It's easier" counter point) and I love a lot of women's clothes and would continue to wear some post-transition (they're clothes are fabulous and we all know it). I'm also a huge nerd so whenever I went to weekly support group meetings for FTMs down at my local GLBT Center, I would feel like less of a man compared to the others who were much more masculine and better fitted the societal concept of manhood. So Trixie, we shared a lot of the same insecurities and fears.

It wasn't until my loving, supportive husband spoke to me about my concerns that they were allayed. I had this epiphany break over me . I felt like I had come up for air finally after a dark stormy night drowning in a turbulent ocean of fear and doubt. I realized that no one else except me defined my manhood and status as a trans-man.

Trixie, if you feel that you are a lady, then you are one. If you discovered later in life or early on, it matters not nor does it mean your feelings of being a woman are any less valid. Nothing else, but what you feel and know to be true about yourself, matters when it comes to your own gender identity. A therapist can be wrong, which is why it's important to get a second opinion if you feel dissatisfied with the results of therapy. You know better than anyone else. Have a little more confidence in yourself and your knowledge about your gender identity. And always know you're not alone in your feelings and that it's perfectly natural to worry from time to time. Don't let those concerns and fears get you down or stop you from becoming who you were meant to be.

Sorry if I said somethings already said by others in this post.

[Emily Aster]

Reading these posts, I'm glad I'm not the only one with doubts, fears, and concerns about whether I am going the right direction with my gender identity. My mother isn't very supportive, and told me I probably have underlying problems that make me think I am a FTM. I stressed over this for a long time, thinking she may be right. It left my stomach in knots considering that I might be wrong, that my longings for being recognized publicly and personally as a male and eventually getting surgery to align my gender with my sex may not be the right thing for me to do.

I've had this before too and seriously comtemplated it. One question comes to mind. Has she ever felt like she absolutely needed to be a man and made a decision not to?

[Gene]

I've had this before too and seriously comtemplated it. One question comes to mind. Has she ever felt like she absolutely needed to be a man and made a decision not to?

I'm not sure. If she did, she hasn't said anything about it.