Feeling torn and confused about transitioning:

[RachelH]

I agree with the other girls here.  You have to look at yourself and be truthful to everything you are or may be, because if you don't and make the wrong choice someone else also gets hurt.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years to transition, I was unsure if I wanted or could fully transition.  I ended up getting back with her and did so for about another 9 months, on the condition that I wouldn't fully transition and use hormones sporadically to control the dysphoria.  This ended with me been a complete coward as I couldn't break up with her, but I knew I couldn't remain her boyfriend.  It ended very messily; and we both got extremely hurt.

Please be careful.

[K8]

I was seriously considering transition in 1984 but fell in love with a woman.  We had a fairly happy marriage - sometimes happier than other times.  One source of conflict was my ever-deepening gender problems.  I finally transitioned after she died, in 2007.  Now I've fallen in love again.  The woman I fell for has always been with men but loves me deeply - in part because I am living authentically.  She wouldn't have even considered me as a partner if I was still male.  She is just one more reason I am really glad I finally transitioned.

As the others have said: learn to be yourself.  Otherwise, you are short-changing both of you.

- Kate

[Alainaluvsu]

If I can add - don't transition because you think it'll make you happier. Only do it when you know you can't go on living as a male, when you know it's futile.

[Heather]

If I can add - don't transition because you think it'll make you happier. Only do it when you know you can't go on living as a male, when you know it's futile.

I agree!

[EmmaS]

I know who I am and who I have always been, a female 100%, I just wonder if I can just "suck it up" of sorts and be happy still, I know the obvious answer is no, but I would be curious if it is possible because I do really care about her a lot. I know I can't choose both and she knows something is bothering me lately.

[Heather]

I know who I am and who I have always been, a female 100%, I just wonder if I can just "suck it up" of sorts and be happy still, I know the obvious answer is no, but I would be curious if it is possible because I do really care about her a lot. I know I can't choose both and she knows something is bothering me lately.

I know it hurts but it not like she will be the only person ever for you. They will be other women who will accept you for who you are. And will love you for being yourself. And starting a relationship with you not being fully honest with her and yourself will only doom that relationship.

[blueconstancy]

Coming at this from the other side - a partner who truly loves you will want you to be happy. Sometimes that means, heartbreakingly, letting you go, if there's no way to reconcile their needs with yours. (And sometimes it means there are compromises that neither of you realized were possible until you tried, of course, but you can't count on that.)

I said very often that my wife needed to transition more than I needed to be happy, at least in the short term, because I believed we'd *both* be happier in the long term. But if it were a question of her living a miserable half-existence to make me happy... well, really, how COULD I manage to be content in that situation over the long term!? For me personally, while I did feel that her transition was a selfish decision (in the sense of "centered on herself," not as a moral judgement/criticism), I also felt that it was one she was entitled to, and furthermore that I would be *more* selfish to force her to suffer terribly and permanently order to keep from hurting me temporarily.

In the end, you cannot live your life for someone else without paying a very heavy price.

[Brooke777]

I know it hurts but it not like she will be the only person ever for you. They will be other women who will accept you for who you are. And will love you for being yourself. And starting a relationship with you not being fully honest with her and yourself will only doom that relationship.

I agree with Heather. You need to be totally honest with her, and you. I tried to suck it up, and live as a man. In the end, I devastated my wife of over 10 years.

And yes, it is possible to find women who will accept you. We are out here. 

[EmmaS]

Yeah I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea or whatever but I just worry what if I regret not trying with this girl and ultimately end up alone instead, I'm not sure I could be happy alone, more so as a female of course but the thought of being alone is terrifying to me. I might feel this way because I have had a girlfriend pretty consistently over the last 4 years, and one being 2 years long, so maybe that's why I feel like this more than I should.

[Alainaluvsu]

Well... sounds like you have a dilemma ... possibly be unhappy being alone or be unhappy living a lie. You think you'd make a great SO lying to your partner?

Oh... and how great are you going to feel about life with someone you love referring to you as their man?

[Brooke777]

Yeah I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea or whatever but I just worry what if I regret not trying with this girl and ultimately end up alone instead, I'm not sure I could be happy alone, more so as a female of course but the thought of being alone is terrifying to me. I might feel this way because I have had a girlfriend pretty consistently over the last 4 years, and one being 2 years long, so maybe that's why I feel like this more than I should.

I have pretty much been married since high school. For the first time since then, I found that I was going to be without a relationship. I was terrified. But, I have recently learned that there are wonderful women out there who do care about me even though I am trans. In fact, I met three this week alone.

[Heather]

Yeah I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea or whatever but I just worry what if I regret not trying with this girl and ultimately end up alone instead, I'm not sure I could be happy alone, more so as a female of course but the thought of being alone is terrifying to me. I might feel this way because I have had a girlfriend pretty consistently over the last 4 years, and one being 2 years long, so maybe that's why I feel like this more than I should.

If you go into a relationship lying your going to end up alone anyway. But look on the bright side at least you like women. That sounds a whole lot easier to do than I am trying to find a guy who will love me for me. And not be a total perv!

[Brooke777]

If you go into a relationship lying your going to end up alone anyway. But look on the bright side at least you like women. That sounds a whole lot easier to do than I am trying to find a guy who will love me for me. And not be a total perv!

I've actually found it more difficult to meet women than men. Men are easy! You flirt a little, let them buy you a drink and they are hooked. As for finding a woman well, I don't look 100% femme, but I am to femme to be tomboy, so it is not the best place to be at.

[Heather]

I've actually found it more difficult to meet women than men. Men are easy! You flirt a little, let them buy you a drink and they are hooked. As for finding a woman well, I don't look 100% femme, but I am to femme to be tomboy, so it is not the best place to be at.

I Don't pass yet! But hope to I'm just imagining my future troubles when it comes to men.

[Kevin Peña]

Well, to answer the original question, I'd say that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you only get one chance to be who you are.

[Alainaluvsu]

I Don't pass yet! But hope to I'm just imagining my future troubles when it comes to men.

They aren't so bad, lol... Lots of them are just fraidy cats that are scared you're going to look at them like they're stupid.

[Brooke777]

They aren't so bad, lol... Lots of them are just fraidy cats that are scared you're going to look at them like they're stupid.

Funny thing is, that is how I look at them.

[Heather]

They aren't so bad, lol... Lots of them are just fraidy cats that are scared you're going to look at them like they're stupid.

Yeah I know they ain't that bad.

[HeatherR]

The problem with a relationship founded and built on lies is nothing more than a house of cards... It may reach many stories high, and even quite possibly look like a real house of dreams.   But when the wind comes... and it always comes...  That house will come crashing down and everyone inside will be crushed... albeit I'd rather be crushed by a bunch of poker cards....  Beside the point... It isn't real if you aren't you.  Thus it will come unglued at some point or another.


I had this very dilemma over a year ago.  I held off transition for a girl, but quickly realized that when I truly listened to myself and what I truly need to find happiness, that girl didn't fit into the story.  Now?  She texts and asks me to come back, but I've come to realize that I found a new, better, more exciting path.  One that could lead to REAL happiness, and not another fiction novel.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

If I can add - don't transition because you think it'll make you happier. Only do it when you know you can't go on living as a male, when you know it's futile.

I am not sure I understand this advice...  Are you saying you think,  if someone could possibly bare living in a false gender role for them they should? Or am I misreading that?