I don't know where I'm going and why...

[ac110]

Hi, everyone, and sorry for a TL;DR post...

I'm absolutely miserable at "Hi, I'm such-and-such from here-and-there" posts, but it seems to be traditional to first post here... If it's not a good place for this thread, I'm sorry and please move it somewhere more appropriate.

It's just like my gender identity simply had been unravelling for the past 3 years... I'm physically male and 32 years old now, and so it seems to be a bit late for such things, but basically before that time I just hadn't had time, motivation  or data to think things through. Then a major medical problem happened, it required some fairly complex surgery and almost a year of recovery. I had plenty of time, was basically cut off from my old social circle, and then had to move to a different country.

First, I realized that I'm definitely bisexual, that was easy, like flipping a switch, which, from reading some generic LGBT support sites on the net is somewhat unusual, but it was more or less painless. However in the process I examined my life in minute details, heard stories I wouldn't otherwise, and basically, being queer anyway there seemed no point to be close-minded.

And then IT started... Memories of how I had to learn not to walk like a girl, how I always envied them in school, how my first reaction to every description of (supposedly) male psychology ever was  "why would anyone WANT to be like that?" How I always hated my facial hair (even though I grew a beard to stop being called names. First thing I did on coming out as bi was shaving every single trace of it, and excitement at the idea of shaving some body hair too.) 

Then I started to experiment with dressing up...Again, I was avoiding mirrors and photos like a vampire since I was a teenager... Not in women's clothes. I don't feel emasculated (or particularly aroused by just wearing them) they're just comfortable and I like myself more that way.

I sort of phased off calling myself "male" on the Internet  whenever possible, but I still clung to the fact that there wasn't any intense body disphoria... Except there is now, the more I think about it, the less I like not being like other girls (or other guys in behaviour...) That probably scares me most, being stuck in some limbo where no one is like me, where people point fingers at me and laugh or worse, simple because of my body and behaviour I can't control, not really.

I just don't know what to do. I just have those observations, those dreams, but no "roadmap" of things to do to cope with it, and no idea if it's really "true" transgender or just, you know, camp and "queer eye" blown out of proportion, and I'm just talking myself into believing I'm transgender...

[KayCeeDee]

Hi it's not too late and there are plenty here like you. Welcome!

[Emily Aster]

There are people here on this site just starting a transition that are double your age. I'm in my late 30s myself. If that's the direction you take, it's not too late.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi ac,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Congratulation on a great intro. Wasn't as terrible as you'd though it was. Good news is, it's NEVER too late. You're still very young.

You appeared to have tried a few things, apparently to now avail. If you're still frustrated about the whole thing, now might be a good time to checkout a gender therapist. You'll be amazed at what you find.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[ac110]

Thanks everyone for greetings and kind words.

You appeared to have tried a few things, apparently to now avail. If you're still frustrated about the whole thing, now might be a good time to checkout a gender therapist. You'll be amazed at what you find.

I thought about that, but  basically to do that right now I'd either need to come out to people I rather wouldn't, or tell too many lies. It may change in a relatively near future, but not right now. Besides, what would I tell the therapist? "I have no idea what I am, could you please figure that out for me?" 

As for things I already tried being unhelpful... It depends. It's still all very confusing, but I'm definitely more comfortable with myself than I ever been before, and at a guess, I'd be even more so when I learn to do them better.

[DianaW]

ac,

      It took me a long time to add up all the clues too. I didn't actually get beaten up, but I was regularly heckled and teased starting in middle school. Sure, everyone gets a hard time in certain stages, but I was very aware that I got far more attention from hecklers than anyone else. It was about 5th grade when I really started to develop breasts that I later had surgery to remove. It took long enough, but now I can see how girlish I always looked and how that seemed to provoke reactions from just about everyone and now explains my skewed outlook for so long.

      I always avoided mirrors and pictures too. I always thought I was hideously ugly and if a switch hadn't flipped with me, I wouldn't have started to realize that the reason I thought I was so ugly was because I was forcing an image that was the opposite of my nature.

     

[Catherine Sarah]

I thought about that, but  basically to do that right now I'd either need to come out to people I rather wouldn't, or tell too many lies. .................  Besides, what would I tell the therapist? "I have no idea what I am, could you please figure that out for me?" 

Hi ac,
You'll have to pardon me, as I'm not aware of your personal relationships. However with respects to coming out, your initial discussions with the therapist would be in strict confidence. Only you and the therapist would know what transpired. Maybe getting to the therapist is your problem. If so, nobody really has to know that business, surely? Even your wife (if you have one) can be placated by knowing you are seeking professional advice over a personal matter that you'll discuss later, should be adequate,surely?

About the therapist, you simply need to tell him/her exactly how you feel. They know the appropriate questions to ask. You just need to be open and brutally honest with your answers and nothing can go wrong. "I don't know." is still a very valid answer. Hope this improves your opportunity of understanding yourself better.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[ac110]

ac,

      It took me a long time to add up all the clues too. I didn't actually get beaten up, but I was regularly heckled and teased starting in middle school. Sure, everyone gets a hard time in certain stages, but I was very aware that I got far more attention from hecklers than anyone else.

I know how it could be I never had any significant breasts, but all the way through my late teens I did look ambiguous enough to sometimes make strangers confused about pronouns and to be a magnet for all kinds of bullying and heckling...

2 Catherine Sarah:
It's not my wife, it's my mom. Because of that medical problem I had to quit my job and move in with her (I'm single, and there was basically no one else to help) and I'm still struggling with getting some kind of job that would pay the rent and is secure enough to plan ahead. I'm a total basement-dwelling, hamburger-flipping loser, and I hate that, but I still hope to find something. At least I'm not on the dole. (EDIT: sorry for... whatever it was... It's not easy for me to talk about those things, especially in this context... I know this is a safe place, but I still half-expect being verbally whipped over letting myself question my gender when this is going on, or for letting that to go on, or for generally being failure at life and sometimes I just... Don't act proper.)

Anyway, we are very close and she's not a kind of a lady who would just let me off with some vague non-explanation if some weird doctor appointment letters  will start to come in, especially if it's anything psychiatric. (I'm not even sure how you go about finding a therapist in the UK, but if it involves NHS they send appointment letters not easily mistaken for anything else.)

And if I will get the kind of job I used to have again... Well, then of course, I'd be afraid to lose it over mysterious doctor appointments, so I'm in a sort of a Catch-22 situation. Maybe you're right and now is as good time to do it as any.

She knows I'm bi (and not happy about it, but tolerant enough) and I thought I could sort of bend the truth enough by saying it's something related to that, but I really don't particularly want to mislead her like that.

[Charley Bea(EmeraldP)]

Hello and welcome, I am myself 26(going on 27) and I just started HRT 6 days ago today(Very early Wednesday morning) I feel at times it is late also especially when it comes to body hair but I have seen pics of other transitioners who started around mid 30's and they so different it is uncanny. What I am trying to say is something I am learning constantly is that it is never too late.

[DianaW]

Emerald Perpugilliam,

       That's great that you just started... any comments on that so far?
     

[Charley Bea(EmeraldP)]

DianaW

Um not really, felt nausea the first two days which I was told was a possible side effect but haven't since so I guess my system has adapted already. Not feeling any different and I know it will be awhile before I see changes if any. I have a follow up appointment with my endo in about six weeks and pending on some blood test results she will up my dosage and add an I think she said Anti-Androgen(sp?) which might help with facial and body hair among other things.

But for now not much to comment on. *looks at paragraph of typing* Well not much more anyway

[DianaW]

Em,

     Thanks for sharing. I am getting ready to start and am interested in any insight!

[Charley Bea(EmeraldP)]

Well all I can recommend is research, research and more research and also to go with the flow as cliche' as that might be.

[DianaW]

I hear that. I love research more and more each day. (I had to be cliche as well)   

[Jamie D]

Hello, ac110.  Is that an electrical reference?

Anyway, welcome from southern California.

For our new members, please be sure to review

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Also, the gender spectrum run from those with strong dysphoric feelings, to those with mild dysphoria, and even those with none (as they reject gender altogether).  So, I can't say there is any such thing as a "true" transgender or a "true" transsexual.  You are what you are, and I am what I am.

You will have the opportunity here to explore your nature, in a safe and supportive environment.

[ac110]

Hello, ac110.  Is that an electrical reference?

Yes. It's also a pun on my (birth) name.

I'm not sure now how prudent it is, since I use a similar handle in some other places on the Internet. But it just fits me so well, and places where I do use it are generally accepting enough and not easily traceable to my RL identity.