I have so many problems inside my head that they aren't making sense anymore. I try to listen to what others feel is right for me, my family, and relatives, and it just makes this depression worse. I know people aren't deliberately malicious, mean or deceitful in their intentions. And they care enough to tell me what they're thinking. But in so many cases those words effectively translate into "You'll never pass." Or even worse I translate what they say as "You're a freak."
I understand what I'm hearing is a false perception and characterization of some comments. And what they say is filtered though a sieve in my Dysphoria that lets the hurtful words through and strains out the good and caring side of the conversations. But this even happens when I talk to some of the girls I know. And what I'm thinking just doesn't track as it passes subconsciously through this confused little cranium. But no matter why I process the words into hurtful statements, they do still hurt. And there has to be a way to stop this tiresome process, and the depression it causes.
And now to end this diatribe. I hear so much negativity, and it's nobody's fault. They don't understand, or they can't understand. But it does depress me, and it's been building up inside for the last week. Then yesterday evening I began to think about, and develop a plan for something that had never crossed my mind in any serious way before. Ending it all. That feeling is gone now, but I'm scared that this was even a consideration in my solutions. I guess what matters to me has changed. And that scares me even more.
I have another electrolysis appointment today, and then I'm calling my therapists office. She's out for a long term illness, but she has referrals.
Kathy
Three paragraphs were deleted from this because I think they were meaningless.
