Dealing with Doubt

[Keira]

I've only identified as trans since aug 2012 (so about 7 months); albeit I have known since elementary that I was not like other boys my age. I didn't think that anything was wrong or different about me: I was just myself and that's how it was. About three years ago I had an experience that triggered internal feelings about being female.

Even though I have concrete evidence that I am not cisgender I still have constant doubt. Mostly I just think that I have made this all up just for attention and to feel special. I have never cross-dressed, nor have I ever acted in a feminine way (due to my conscious suppression and trying to conform to social expectations).

Questions

Has anyone gone through something similar?

How do you deal with doubts?

-Skye

[spacial]

Mostly I just think that I have made this all up just for attention and to feel special.
Questions

Has anyone gone through something similar?

How do you deal with doubts?

-Skye

That particular horror, Yes, yes yes!

As for dealing with it, I think it depends upon the circumstances.

In my case, it was family members. Our family was very dysfunctional, moving places with any one of them would have caused a major riot.

Long after the unit had disintegrated, I tried to maintain contact with each. I convinced myself I was attempting to recreate some level of unity. Though I hadn't been in any way responsible for the disintegration, I rather foolishly assumed the responsibility so that particular poison cup was duly passed.

Anyway, that was what I convinced myself to be my motivation. What I didn't realise was that I had completely lost all self confidence and would allow each to bring me down, humiliate and generally use me as a whipping post. Stupid I know, but that is what happens when you let yourself become a door mat.

Everything I did was at best, inadequate, at worst, typically unacceptable. I was a dissapointment to everyone and so to myself. Bear in mind, these people lived in their own homes, had their own families and lives. I was just at their beck and call. To follow that you have to remember, I was nothing, just a door mat. Someone to blame for everyone elses' problems.

What I did about it?

I walked away. Took me many years. I was in my 30s before I finally stood up and said no. But I did eventually do it.

Incidently, I don't recommend taking your time. You obviously are faced with a not dissimilar situation, though I doubt you realise it.Just walk. As far as you can. Don't look back. Just go.

[Shantel]

Yup!
I spent the first half of my life as a male, four years of high school football, girlfriends and dating, two enlistments in the army paratroops, fought in a war, ravaged more than my share of women, never cross dressed, married hetrosexual with kids, and suddenly bam!

Do I fit anyone's expectations or care what they think? No! Am I an anomaly as an MtF transexual? Sure and personally I'm not concerned about that and don't apologize to anyone for it. Obviously, somewhere deep within the recesses of my inner being there had lurked this thing all along and it finally surfaced. It's not a problem, I don't try and overanalyze it and let it ruin my new life, it just is and I'm happy being the real me.

[Tessa James]

Sky-Blue your post really hit me.  This is one reason I am in therapy.  I wondered sometimes if I was not just really sick enough to make it all up.  But, maybe like you, I had to look long and hard at the truth of my experience.   That included a lifetime of thoughts, dreams, acting out and fearful self loathing that found me stuffing it far away only to resurface later.  I worked to hide any mannerisms and did not realize how much work that is.  Like you, I knew early that I was not like other boys (they made that loud and clear) and "conscious suppression" is, again, very hard work.  While doubts are possible at any point I hope you will trust yourself to feel better with ideas that may twist yer knickers sometimes.  Hang on!

And thank you Shantel.  I did a similar course with a familiar "bam" and I want to get to your level of confidence

[Phoenix26]

I've only identified as trans since aug 2012 (so about 7 months); albeit I have known since elementary that I was not like other boys my age. I didn't think that anything was wrong or different about me: I was just myself and that's how it was. About three years ago I had an experience that triggered internal feelings about being female.

Even though I have concrete evidence that I am not cisgender I still have constant doubt. Mostly I just think that I have made this all up just for attention and to feel special. I have never cross-dressed, nor have I ever acted in a feminine way (due to my conscious suppression and trying to conform to social expectations).

Questions

Has anyone gone through something similar?

How do you deal with doubts?

-Skye

I'm literally going through the same thing right now... hence my first post, haha.  I knew something was up for sure after I graduated High School and just held it for almost a decade.  Quarantining it in that long is my biggest regret because it's messed my life up since then.  I just told my parents about what I've been hiding two days ago (they're supportive but also an emotional wreck now because they want their son) and have already signed up to see a therapist next week.  I honestly don't know how people deal with this.  It's a struggle to even eat food right now.

As for your question about doubt.  I'm seeing a physiologist for that exact reason.  One that's experienced with transgendered folk.  I'd definitely suggest the same.

[Anna++]

Even though I have concrete evidence that I am not cisgender I still have constant doubt. Mostly I just think that I have made this all up just for attention and to feel special. I have never cross-dressed, nor have I ever acted in a feminine way (due to my conscious suppression and trying to conform to social expectations).

Well, this sounds familiar .  I found myself thinking about gender doubts until I felt that I made them up, similar to saying a word over and over again until it doesn't sound real anymore.  Whenever I found out that I acted in some way even remotely feminine, my usual response was "Well, I guess I don't do that anymore...".

The nice people on this site suggested journaling to me to help deal with my thoughts, and I've found that once my thoughts are on paper I feel a bit better about myself.

[suzifrommd]

I've only identified as trans since aug 2012 (so about 7 months); albeit I have known since elementary that I was not like other boys my age. I didn't think that anything was wrong or different about me: I was just myself and that's how it was. About three years ago I had an experience that triggered internal feelings about being female.

Even though I have concrete evidence that I am not cisgender I still have constant doubt. Mostly I just think that I have made this all up just for attention and to feel special. I have never cross-dressed, nor have I ever acted in a feminine way (due to my conscious suppression and trying to conform to social expectations).

Questions

Has anyone gone through something similar?

How do you deal with doubts?

-Skye

Skye, yes, I've felt that very same thing. Before last March, I never dreamed I was anything but a normal guy with some slightly weird thoughts. Never thought I was a woman. Never wanted to cross dress.

I now know with 100% certainty that I'm Trans, and yet I still get doubts now and then (usually when some MtF proudly tells us how she knew since she was little she should be wearing the dresses and playing with the dolls).

None of that matters. Zero, zilch, nil, nada. The closer I get to living as a woman, the more right it feels. That's what matters.

[Tessa James]

Hi Shan,

You had me going.  I started to wonder for a second if somehow you really had seen my pics.  How fun and TessaM was sweet to me about our name early on.  I am not even a newbie yet (can't even respond directly) but enjoy every bit of this and do appreciate your upbeat stance.  HRT is my next goal and pics maybe as my bravery grows.  To paraphrase agrommd's post, the closer I get the better I feel.

See you around campus....

[Shantel]

Yes she is sweet! Nice to meet you Tessa, stay in touch!