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My First Book! [Uprise - Ch.1]-- feedback/thoughts?

Started by Tiny717, February 02, 2013, 12:12:56 AM

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Tiny717

[Most of my characters have unique names, with specific meaning, significant to their personalities and the like. Any feedback or thoughts, I mean.. Would be greatly appreciated. I'm a new writer - sort of.. I just wanted to share it with you guys.. ;w;]


___________


Screams of pain - unimaginable pain from every direction.
There's people everywhere, mostly dead and some are still clinging to their loved one's remains, crying out and asking her why they had to die, asking her why she didn't help them and almost blaming her for what had happened.
  Yukiko stood on what seemed to be the only piece of land untouched by the inferno and creatures that had destroyed everything in sight, and the only piece left untouched by the darkness that fell on anything that was already destroyed.
   A baby began to cry out somewhere behind her, though when she turned around all she saw was a mirror reflecting her own face, twisted into a horrible grimace while screaming at her in anguish. Yukiko covered her face and fell to her knees; she wanted it all to go away - to leave her alone. She felt so helpless and frightened - what could she do?
   Suddenly, a hand touched her shoulder and she looked up to see a tall boy with long, red hair looking at her with stern eyes. He looked battered and  covered in his own blood, yet his eyes remained strong despite the poor condition of his body.

He stood staring at her, almost as if he expected her to do something - but what?

  There was an abrupt, loud siren sounding in the distance to which every survivor including the boy looked up to in horror. Yukiko looked up as well, trying to see the threat, but before she could see anything, everything began to disintegrate before her very eyes. Everything and everyone was decomposing into nothing but fragments of light.

The siren sounded oddly familiar now; a loud buzzing sound. Yukiko looked into the sky, though she saw nothing and despite her terror, reached her arm up and brought her fist down hard onto the ground, using the strength of her entire body. Everything froze and within an instant, imploded with a light so bright that Yukiko had to cover her eyes so she wasn't blinded.

Her body began to move forward, as if being pulled by some unknown force, everything flashed by her into a haze of light and then...



  Her hand began to ache as she felt herself being rushed back into reality.

"..Ugh..."

  She squirmed a little in her bed; she was completely  wrapped up in her blankets and resembled a giant larvae of some sort with only her face and now one arm visible.

"..Agh!"

Her hand throbbed now; she came to the conclusion now that she must have 'turned' her alarm clock off too hard. Her eyes opened slowly, taking in the soft light of the room that filtered in through her window. Her eyes moved to her alarm clock.

*7:21AM*.


"...7:21..." She mumbled sleepily.
"7:21..!! - Crap!"

Her blankets went flying into the air as she sprang out of her bed. She raced around her room frantically, trying to find her schoolbag and books amongst the mess of clothes and stuffed animals on her bedroom floor.

She stood in front of her closet door, looking at herself in the body-length mirror attached, satisfied with the black jeans and her light blue t-shirt, which had a cute onigiri character on it.

Yukiko continued to rush around, now doing her usual morning routine in the bathroom. She was about to leave the bathroom until she realized she had forgotten to put in her contacts, which were an almond brown colour; she hid her real eye colour because it seemed to freak people out -- dark red.


She raced downstairs to the kitchen where Mana, her adoptive parent, sat waiting with breakfast ready on the table.
"Good morning, Kiko - I made your favorites!"

Kiko - a pet name Mana had for Yukiko; she didn't mind it, in fact she sort of liked it.

"I made a lot so you'll have enough energy to last throughout the day."
Mana smiled at Yukiko, and she couldn't help but smile back. She knew how much Mana cared about her and she was grateful to have her, even if she wasn't her biological mother - not that she knew who that was, let alone cared really; Mana was the best thing she has in her life.


"I hope you like it!"


Yukiko grinned and sat down at the kitchen table, which was half full of various foods. "You know I will," she giggled "you make the best food!"


"Oh I don't know.. you come pretty close to beating me." Mana winked at her.


"No way - I'll never be able to beat you!" They both laughed.


Yukiko reached for the blueberry waffles and freshly cut pineapple and began her 'feast' of a breakfast. Despite being petite, Yukiko could eat as much as she'd like and never gain a pound. In fact, she was underweight. Nobody can figure out how she did it, but Yukiko had an extremely high metabolism, but also had no disorder or disease to make it so -- but she managed to maintain it and be perfectly healthy.


  Mana sat and watched her with a light smile on her lips. She had found Yukiko as a child, laying in the middle of a road, unclothed and covered in cuts, bruises, and burns; Mana nearly ran her over. Yukiko was only ten years old at the time and ever since then, with Mana being a certified therapist, she was dedicated to helping Yukiko remember her past.

  She finished eating and went on to bring her dishes to the sink.

"Don't forget to change your bandage," Mana gestured to Yukiko left forearm. " You got it dirty playing outside in the garden yesterday."


"Alright - could you help me with it please?"

They made their way to a large cabinet in the next room which had medical supplies in it. Yukiko removed her bandages and Mana wrapped a fresh one around her entire forearm. Yukiko's arm wasn't injured anymore, but she had a terrible, large scar that completely covered her left forearm. She got it from a grisly injury on her arm that she had when Mana had found her; it looked almost as if something had attempted to rip her arm off from the elbow and tried to melt the skin right off of her forearm.


"Alright.. Thanks Mana, it's perfect." She said with a smile.  Mana smiled and took a quick look at the clock on the wall.

*7:58AM*


"Uh oh - Yukiko, you'd better get going soon!"  Yukiko looked at clock as well and jumped a little.

"Oh man, I've gotta get going -- I'm gonna be late!" With that, she hurried off to find her schoolbag and jacket.


Yukiko started putting her shoes on at the door now. "Here," Mana handed Yukiko her lunchbox, "I packed a lunch for you."
"Thanks, Mana!" She smiled. They were both standing in the doorway now. "You sure you'll be okay?" Mana looked at her with worry, " You sure you don't want a drive or--"

"Nah, don't worry so much about me, Mana" Yukiko interrupted, " I'll be alright, really."

Mana looked at Yukiko, still worrying. "Ohh.. I know you will.." She gently touched her lips on Yukiko's head and embraced her closely. "Alright then... You be careful!"
Yukiko gave Mana a reassuring smile and started down the driveway. "I will, don't worry - Love you."

Mana smiled, "Love you too."


And with that, Yukiko was on her way to her first day of school. Mana stood in the doorway for a long while after she had gone, buried deep in her thoughts. Her little girl had finally decided to go to public school. Even after being home-schooled and exceeding far past University level, she still wanted to go into grade ten, saying that 'even though she'll know almost everything they're teaching, she mostly just wanted to make friends and have fun'.

Mana breathed the crisp autumn air in deeply, letting it fill her lungs. She pulled herself out of her mind then slowly let the front door close in front of her, and let Yukiko go.

_______

[End of Chapter 1]
  •  

Keira

Your story seems interesting, I kind of want to see where it goes. There are only really two things I think are wrong with it. You shouldn't use a dream to start a story, it's much to cliché. To be honest, if a publisher saw it, they would immediately criticize the first paragraph or so. I know this because I did it myself, a lot of people do it.

Secondly, your writing style is almost too explanatory and literal. It's really your own personal preference as to how literal or explanatory you want the narration to be. In my opinion, it isn't a bad idea to leave certain parts a little bit cryptic; that way the characters tend to become more 3D over time instead, and it also draws the reader in more. The reader starts to ask, "Why does Yukiko say that/do that?". Although, it isn't bad to explain things to the reader that they might not otherwise catch on to: just don't overuse it! :)

The dialogue seems realistic to me, not overly bland and not forced or dramatic.

The biggest problem is that you need to write more! :)

I want to know what happens, perhaps you could send me a plot line and details about the characters. It would help me to give you more ideas. :)

-Skye
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