Am I trans, or just coping with a hard life?

[jennifer6]

Hi ladies,

I've been lurking in the background for a few years now and haven't really contributed much.  I'm in my early 30s, married with a child, and have been dealing with trans "feelings" for years.  I crossdressed pretty regularly as a child and teenager, and have spent many many adult hours reading about transition, HRT, hair and makeup tips, etc.  When I do dress up in female mode, I feel absolutely beautiful and there is something inside that, for lack of a better word, brings me peace.  But for a wife and child, I feel like I would want to move forward with transition. 

Long story short I came out to my wife about all of this, and she doesn't believe a word of it.  I've faced quite a bit of depression in my life and my wife thinks that I've just created an alternative female persona as a place to "escape" from my real world.  I have been the victim of (emotional) abuse by my parents for quite a number of years for reasons totally unrelated to gender, and she thinks this is just my way of coping with it.  (I also have a history of alcohol abuse which is probably more connected to my emotional issues.)  She also told me that she feels like transition would be a cop-out and that I'm not really a woman.  As you can imagine, this has made me thoroughly conflicted.

Can anyone speak from personal experience, or at least give me a reality check here?

Thanks in advance for insight/advice/thoughts!
Jenn

[Seras]

Your wife a psychologist then?

You know, to be making such a diagnosis.

[suzifrommd]

Well, you asked for my thoughts, so I'll give them to you raw and unvarnished.

Your wife is abusing you emotionally.

I could understand, perhaps, where she might be coming from. Her marriage is threatened by your feelings.

But for you to talk about your feelings and for her to tell you that it's all just a coping mechanism - it seems like she's trying to manipulate you into going back into your shell (which is exactly where she wants you).

I don't like to badmouth someone who is not part of the conversation, but I don't think she has your best interests at heart.

Please explore these feelings. Depression is nothing to play around with. You have a kid now - you need to try to be the best you possible as an example for your child. You're not going to be much good to your kid as an alcohol-abusing, depressed shell of a person.

Please follow these feelings wherever they take you. They are yours. Don't let anyone talk you out of them.

[K Style Addiction]

Your wife a psychologist then?

You know, to be making such a diagnosis.

+1

[Anna++]

Please explore these feelings. Depression is nothing to play around with. You have a kid now - you need to try to be the best you possible as an example for your child. You're not going to be much good to your kid as an alcohol-abusing, depressed shell of a person.

Please follow these feelings wherever they take you. They are yours. Don't let anyone talk you out of them.

Agreed.  I've been much happier over the last few months since I've been willing to explore my own thoughts and feelings.  Ignoring who you really are will only drive you crazy, and I think we can all agree that that would be bad.  It might be easier if you can get a couple of hours all by yourself so that nobody (including your wife) has to know.  Good luck!

[Tristan]

be vary careful with listening to people who are in the field like this and have a interest in your out come. its not always good.

[Beth Andrea]

Long story short I came out to my wife about all of this, and she doesn't believe a word of it.  I've faced quite a bit of depression in my life and my wife thinks that I've just created an alternative female persona as a place to "escape" from my real world.  I have been the victim of (emotional) abuse by my parents for quite a number of years for reasons totally unrelated to gender, and she thinks this is just my way of coping with it.  (I also have a history of alcohol abuse which is probably more connected to my emotional issues.)  She also told me that she feels like transition would be a cop-out and that I'm not really a woman. As you can imagine, this has made me thoroughly conflicted.

Therapy. You should get some...If you have access to an EAP you should try it. (Employee's Assistance Program--a phone number you can call and briefly describe the kind(s) of problems you're dealing with; they will then hook you up with an appropriate ther*pist. With some, the first few meetings are free)

I highlighted the biggest (imho) interesting areas. Any one of those would be enough to see a ther*pist. But yeah, at the least she is emotionally abusing you.

[Colleen Ireland]

Therapy. You should get some...If you have access to an EAP you should try it. (Employee's Assistance Program--a phone number you can call and briefly describe the kind(s) of problems you're dealing with; they will then hook you up with an appropriate ther*pist. With some, the first few meetings are free)

Ditto this.  RUN, do NOT walk, to find a good therapist.  Be aware that the EAP (if you have one) may be of no use to you.  Mine wasn't.  What you need is a therapist who is experienced with gender/LGBT issues, not just some general psychologist, who may agree with your wife (yes, there are a lot of them out there).  If the therapist you see starts talking about how they don't buy "all of this Trans stuff", leave, and find a new therapist.  Seriously.  What you need is someone who can help you figure yourself out.  What you do NOT need is anyone who will mess you up.

Just so you know, your story does sound very familiar, and I'm sure a lot of us here would agree.  Also, be aware that Trans-identified people have a much higher incidence of substance abuse than the general population, along with depression, suicide, abuse, poverty, etc.  Don't think these feeling will go away on their own, either.  You know they won't (they haven't yet, have they?)

[JoanneB]

Our stories have similarities. I've felt since about 4-5 I should have been a girl. I cross-dressed all my live. In part to feel right and to relieve stress. In high hormonal teen years also as sexual relief. Also like you I've endured my first 20 years of life dealing with a fair ammount of emotional abuse, mainly from other kids. All with nothing to do with being trans. But for plenty of other reasons related to being different.

Many of us self medicate with alcohol in order to help shut down those areas of our head that are screaming "Do Something Stupid". Just as we also turn to cross-dressing during periods of high stress.

Creating an Alternate Reality? Hardly. That is if you don't want to peg anyone with a Hope, A Wish, or a Dream of a different life as living in an alternate reality.

In one respect she MAY be right. Transition may just be another form of geographical relocation, also known as running away from your problems. There is a good way of finding out. That is to find a half way decent therapist who is knowledgeable of all things TG. Especially, find yourself a support group or two. Those folks will certainly clue you in as to which therapist in the area knows a little something. If live in a big metro area plenty of quality resources are available and easy to find with little effort. I need to drive 90 miles each way to my TG group and therapist.

At the end of the day you need to know and really understand what transition entails. What you may gain, what you are ver likely to loose. Is it all worth the price. Most importantly by talking to others here, in support groups as well as a therapist you may learn that transition is not the answer that best suits you.

Your wife may be lashing out at you. After all you just told her she is a major F' up and didn't realize she married and had a child with a whacko. So she is just a tad angry. My ex went to another extreme of accusing me all sorts of things, none of which was true. But Jerry Springer would have been recruiting me if it were true.

[myraey]

Your wife may be lashing out at you. After all you just told her she is a major F' up and didn't realize she married and had a child with a whacko. So she is just a tad angry. My ex went to another extreme of accusing me all sorts of things, none of which was true. But Jerry Springer would have been recruiting me if it were true.

+1
Think also about it from her point of view. To the op. Like others have said your wife is not a therapist and maybe this is the first time trans anything has affected her life. I would absolutely go look for a therapist. You are uncertain about your inner feelings and what they mean. Your wife is not inside your head. Neither will a therapist be. If you can I would try to communicate more with your wife and see what she thinks. Even if your wife does not agree about the conclusions.

[Henna]

Jennifer, unfortunately it just sounds like your wife is in total denial. What your wife said to you, resembles a lot what my longterm gf said to me, when I came out. It hurts a lot, but if you try to explain her to how you truly feel, she might just understand eventually that it's not something "you just made up".

Try to talk to her, no matter how hard or futile it feels.