Crappy gay club experience

[Konnor]

So my partner and I went to our usual club in the big city last night. I actually felt good about myself for once, and we had a blast dancing all night. It is a predominantly lesbian club, but on Fridays it draws tons of gay/straight people as well. At the end of the night, two lesbians came up to us and asked how my partner and I knew each other. I told her we were together and she said "but you're gay, right?" to which I replied yes (and looked confused). She asked why I was with a guy then, and I told her I was a guy. She grabbed my chest and said "you're a girl" and asked if I had the sex change surgery. I mumbled something about no, it was too expensive, and got back to my partner. Luckily we didn't stay much longer, and I kept a stone face until we got back to our hotel, but it really shook me up.

I'm very used to passing like 98% of the time. I've only ever had one incident at another gay club. I know the GLBT community is more knowledgable about trans people, so maybe they know what "clues" to look for. It was just rough to have my maleness, and gayness, questioned so openly at a place where I felt very safe. I'm trying not to let it ruin our weekend, but it's hard.

Tl;dr: Have any of you had issues at gay clubs being called out and disrespected? And if so, how did you deal with it/get over it? Thanks!!

[Brooke777]

I'm really sorry you had that experience.

One time at the bar I frequent a very rude guy started hitting on me. When I told him that I'm gay and only into women he said "but your a man" and tried to grab my crotch. Well, the next time he came in he had a cast on his wrist. No one touches me without my permission.

[Darrin Scott]

Never in a gay club, but I've had similar experiences with the LGB community. I am also read as male about 85-90% of the time, but in the "gay community" they read me as female and disrespect me. Which is why I distance myself from them.

[big kim]

Yes I've had morons taking pictures and bitchy comments,I just said **** you dirtbag.A guy stuck his hand down my top,I punched him,he fell over and didn't get up.Probably not the right thing to do but it felt a lot better than counselling about it!

[Adam (birkin)]

That's disgusting! I am sorry that happened to you. She has no right to put her hands on you like that, especially, but also no right to question you. I wonder how many people have questioned her lesbianism in the past, asking her if perhaps she'd be curious to try having sex with a man or something like that. She should know better.

[anibioman]

that sucks my friends grope my chest by accident all the time because they don know im trans. ive had a girl question my binder though. i find gay spaces people question me more because their options aren't just male or female boxes there is a spectrum.

[Frank]

People are amazingly handsy, apparently especially if they think there's something "off" with you. Exactly when did being suspicious suddenly give people the right to touch you up? They'd come away with a broken face if they tried that on me.

[Brooke777]

People are amazingly handsy, apparently especially if they think there's something "off" with you. Exactly when did being suspicious suddenly give people the right to touch you up? They'd come away with a broken face if they tried that on me.

Yeah, I didn't go for his face. It was his hand that caused the problem so it was his hand that paid the price. 

[Nygeel]

I've had a lot of problems in gay clubs and spaces. I've been misgendered nearly every time I go to a gay bar or club. I was even kicked out of one for using the bathroom! So...I try to stay away.

[Konnor]

Thanks for the replies, everyone! While it isn't a good feeling hearing that a lot of you have gone through this, it's comforting to know I'm not alone in it. I'm definitely not a violent person, so I don't think I would ever take a swing at someone. She seemed pretty drunk, which is probably why she felt entitled to question and grope me. But still, people's audacity surprises me sometimes. It saddens me to think I should avoid glbt spaces because of this, because they are one place we should feel safe. I guess that's life though. Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences!!

[Keaira]

Just to note, A straying hand like that can also be considered assault. I've never been to a gay club, although I think it would be an interesting experience. But then again, I have grown to take a pretty dim view of the gay community. Judging from what people have posted here, they seem to be as clueless as the cis-population. Which is really sad. I mean what's so hard to understand? Leave us alone to live our lives as normally as possible. Treat others as you would want to be treated.

[Simon]

In my experience cis GLB people can be the most openly transphobic and feel like they have a Right to be so. I haven't had many issues with lesbians. Just normal curiosity but no hands. Gay men on the other hand have been mouthy to the point of extremely offensive and touchy.

I really wish we weren't lumped together with the GLB people. To me, being lumped together with three groups that are defined by sexuality isn't where Transgender people belong.

[Zerro]

In my experience cis GLB people can be the most openly transphobic and feel like they have a Right to be so. I haven't had many issues with lesbians. Just normal curiosity but no hands. Gay men on the other hand have been mouthy to the point of extremely offensive and touchy.

I really wish we weren't lumped together with the GLB people. To me, being lumped together with three groups that are defined by sexuality isn't where Transgender people belong.

Agreed. Sorry that happened to you, OP. Have you talked to your partner about it? It might help to have him back you up if things like this happen, you know?

[Kevin Peña]

She felt you up? Not cool, man!

Next time someone asks, just lie and don't let her know you're trans. She had no business prying like that. 

[~RoadToTrista~]

In my experience cis GLB people can be the most openly transphobic and feel like they have a Right to be so. I haven't had many issues with lesbians. Just normal curiosity but no hands. Gay men on the other hand have been mouthy to the point of extremely offensive and touchy.

I really wish we weren't lumped together with the GLB people. To me, being lumped together with three groups that are defined by sexuality isn't where Transgender people belong.

Well, they don't just judge us. There's tons of people in the LG who have a problem with the B. It's just another level of ignorance, those types of people are the one's who assume everyone has to follow along their lines else we're all just gays trying not to be. That doesn't mean we should just split up everything due to a few jarheads.

[Konnor]

I definitely agree with your statement that cis GLB people can be the most trans phobic, Simon. I've been called out two other times since first coming out. One was at another gay club and was by a very drunk gay man, who was very aggressive towards me in the restroom and followed me back out. He then tried to fight me and made all kinds of rude remarks about my and my partners sexuality cuz I'm trans. The second was a straight guy at the same club that the incident related to this topic occurred at. I guess it would make sense for me to just avoid gay clubs since they seem to be the only place I'm harrassed, but they are also the only place my partner and I can get away to and relax. Luckily we only go out once a month or so.

Zerro, I told my partner when we got back to the hotel last night. He was drunk and I knew he would cause a scene if I told him in the club. He did contact the DJ at the club, who we are friends with. She said if it ever happened again to come straight to her and she would handle it. My partner didnt understand what was going on in the moment, or I know he would have backed me up. That in itself makes me feel bad though. Like Im weak and I can't take care of and protect myself. Ugh... Situations like this are so dysphoric and damaging. It hasn't ruined our weekend but it has been on my mind constantly. Thank you so much everyone for the support and kind words, they mean a lot!!

[Nygeel]

Simon, we're lumped together with LGB people because trans people started the modern LGBT rights movement.

[Kevin Peña]

I really wish we weren't lumped together with the GLB people. To me, being lumped together with three groups that are defined by sexuality isn't where Transgender people belong.

Well, people are more likely to accept GLB people since they're less... well... "radical." Face it, people think that trans people are a lot stranger than GLB people. On the bright side, we can ride on the coat tails of the GLB population and make legislative strides. 

[MoonWolf]

Man that reallllllllyyyyyyy sucks.  I'm so sorry, man.  I've never actually had anything like that happen to me.  People are generally very nice about that thing around here, but then again I've never been to a club, so maybe the scene changes there?

[Elspeth]

Never in a gay club, but I've had similar experiences with the LGB community. I am also read as male about 85-90% of the time, but in the "gay community" they read me as female and disrespect me. Which is why I distance myself from them.

There were a few (very few) coy references like this in The L Word that I recall (one scene in a gay  nightclub comes to mind, I can't recall which episode or season it was, but it alluded to transphobia, in that context, applicable to transwomen, and in fact one transwoman (at least I assumed she was) who felt unsafe, or at least unwelcome in lesbian clubs. People can be ->-bleeped-<-s in any community, and while it's hopefully more rare than that among lesbians in general, there are those who will do this sort of thing. Then again, some women of any group can also be incredibly insensitive, and sometimes pull crap that no guy could hope to get away with in our culture?