What's stopping you ?

[Anatta]

Kia Ora,

I'm sure similar threads have been started, but I'll start another one anyway...


What do you think the main thing is at the moment that's stopping you from transitioning?  [keeping you in limbo so to speak]

For example is it :

* Family/friends-fear of losing them. or they might want to hurt you in some way if you do
* Religious belief [it's a sin]
* Finances
* Not being able to blend in
* Not being able to get work
* Not being able to find a partner
* Lack of confidence
* Fear of the unknown

And if you've already transitioned what was your fear prior to transitioning? And did it eventuate ?

Did you jump out of the 'pre-transition' frying pan... into the 'post-transition' fire ?

Or was your worry just paying interest on trouble that 'never' came ?


Metta Zenda

[~RoadToTrista~]

My dad. I just can't go through with this without telling him. I can go without my mom, but not him.

That's it.

[Keira]

Mostly my own self doubt...I really couldn't care less what my family thinks of it. I'm just not sure if I'm actually trans, or I'm just making this all up...if I am just making this up and I do transition, it would be terrible to have to detransition and have even more social pressure/criticism.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

When I tried 20 years ago, I did not because my Dad would not have been supportive.  And I was and still am very much a Daddies girl.  Even though he never knew it.

Then when Mom passed and Dad followed, I was freed to be the real me.  I am just sorry that they never got to see their daughter happy at last.

[JoanneB]

In my yearly 20's (A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away) I stopped because after a while I saw I'd be living the same nightmare I was for the forst 20 years of my life, being a target of ridicule, derision, and worse.

These days, some 30 years laters as I once again took the demon head on, he wins. My life sucks, will suck, and worse yet if I transition. The two straws that I desperately grasp to define my Raison d'être will, at the end of the day, be destroyed by persuing that dream.

Better luck next time around I figure

[Kevin Peña]

Not being able to be accepted by people who know me as *male name* as a female. Then again, that's a fear that isn't going to stop me. 

[Johe]

What's stopping me, what's holding me down from walking down a road in which I know will make me happy, proud once again to be who I am. Fear. Love. Money.

I understand in the beginning I will not blend in. Like many, I will have to walk into that awkward stage and hold my heart steady as I deal with being disappointed at the speed of which things are changing. I research and read, spending hours and hours, about every experience, process, and medical-related article I can reach. I know what to expect, and yet I don't. As it was noted, it's partly the fear of the unknown, not being prepared enough, the fear of not thinking things through enough even if I have so far as over-thought things -- maybe. Every experience is different so I can do as much research as I want, and it could still be for naught.

Love...love is a tricky thing. My family, I love unconditionally...despite the storms. My mom is currently in the hospital for her mental health. It was the final push to make/let me move home after an "uncomfortable" relationship which chipped away at my self-worth. Now I'm just trying to take care of myself and my family. I visit my gram every week, I call my mother constantly to make sure she's okay, and I'm looking for a job again. To come out, when everyone seems to be on the verge of breaking down, isn't the best moment to do so and, to be honest, I do think (know) my family won't quite get female to male thing anyway. Sometimes it's easier not to fight it and do what needs to be done on my own time. For the moment anyway.

And lastly, money. But I know I'm not the only one on that front, so I'm not going to say much on that.

[Henna]

I've kind of set my own process of transitioning at this point, which goes "outside" of the official paths. The two reasons, that I haven't started transitioning fully at this point are:

- I don't at this point want to risk of loosing my job, but will rather do the two current contracts that I have to the end (December 2013). Get the money from those contracts, which I can use to make my transition a much smoother thing, than without a money. Many TS here have thought this approach a very good one and mindful of the fact, that many have lost their jobs, which will make completing the transitioning a nightmare.

- I don't want to yet end my relationship with my dad and my current gf. The relationship with my dad will end completely, but with my gf I'm hoping to keep her as a friend.

Thus, my aim is to be living as a complete me, a woman, beginning of next year, or if I can end the job contracts earlier and have gotten enough money from those, then I could transition fully in November or December this year.

At least this timetable gives me time to complete laser treatment and other things.

[Emily Aster]

I think I just conquered the second of mine. Sure, I came out to my mother years ago, but it's completely different when you tell friends. For me, it's not family who's there to pick up the pieces. It's friends. To know I have two in my corner now, who also happen to be women, makes things seem a lot easier. They may not know much about the process, but I can pick up the slack there. What they do know though, is what I need the most, and that's how to be a woman. In the past, I would have to observe them to figure this stuff out. Now I can just ask them.

FYI the first of mine was self-acceptance.

I have two more obstacles stopping me right now. The first is the fear of dressing in public when I'm not around people that I know are accepting. I'm doing baby steps there. I can't bring myself to do it in a dress yet, but I have had several small outings in my casual clothing like jeans and a blouse. I like the boot cut jeans and guys simply don't wear them, so it's pretty obvious that they're women's jeans. They range from taking the trash out (apartment complex so it's a bit of a hike), getting the mail (same as for the trash), ordering a pizza and answering the door in girl mode, or walking to the car and back.

The second is my voice. It needs a LOT of work to be considered passable and I don't want it to constantly out me.

[Cindy]

What was stopping me was fear.

Losing my job, losing respect, losing some thing even though I didn't know what it was.

When I did transition I realised those fears existed in one place only. Between my ears.

I have lost nothing.

I have gained everything.

[Zumbagirl]

I had to face the same fears. I did lose a lot, but on the other hand I came out the other side a better person than how I started. I haven't talked to my parents in probably almost 20 years now because of my transition. But I did realize that this was the anchor that held me back. I was living "their" life, the life they wanted for me, not my own. I'm sure they were worried that their son would never be taken seriously, afer they invested all that blood sweat and tears to raise me and send me off to college and here I go and did this to them. But my life is my life after all.

I feared losing my job and being unemployable and never working again. I did lose a job and have to start over, but that was actually a good thing. It was a fresh start.

I feared losing my friends, and to be honest from a gender transition its bound to happen. I had guy friends, now i have girl friends. Over the years now, all of the original friends are gone, replaced with new ones more appropriate to my gender and life.

Despite all of this, I still know I did the right thing. To finally be rid of my own gender confusion is something that is hard to put a price on. To wake up one day and the fog that held my my brain in a state of gender chaos was gone. That's a hard thing to knock

[Shang]

Primarily money.  I'm dependent on my parents [a sad fate at the age of 24] and therefore have no money.  And I'm scared to come out to them.

[SonadoraXVX]

Money, plain and simple. It was back then at 25 years old at my first go around and is now at 44 years old.  Reasons:

1. I would have to depend on no job to tell me whats right or wrong, who cares?
2. If my family and friends abandoned me, oh well, living well is the best revenge, loaded.
3. You can get so much accomplished with money, like surgeries, pay others to do your housework/apartment work.
4. Yea, you can get faux friends, but if you hide your loaded, you can actually make good friends, just remember to hide your
    fortune.


Lucia,
P.S. Cynical, but hey, its worked for me so far.  Oh yea, before I forget, you can buy all sorts of awesome heels and sandals with that mulah.

[Beth Andrea]

The one thing that made me hesitate was realizing the permanence of transition...what drove me through that, was the horror of staying male..."permanent? OMG I hope so!"

So the permanence was both a fear, and a motive.

[Elspeth]

Money, and some justifiable concerns that my history of atypical responses to medication might well complicate transition, and HRT in particular.

The rest is mostly free-floating fear and anxiety, much of which has tended to go away when I've been able to be open about my trans-ness in situations with close friends and acquaintances who have been wondering for a long time why I haven't lived up to my potential.

[Sarah Blomsterhatt]

I've been lucky in that when I started to transition I've yet to run into something that have made me slow down from going at the pace that I want. The only possible hickup I can see is I'm looking at SRS sometime fall/winter this year depending on when I can get the papers signed that would allow me to. But money for it might turn out to be a problem, I got the money for the SRS itself, but not for the flight, hotel nor backup money. But there is still time!

As for what halted me from starting to transtition to begin with it was only myself. I tried earlier, dressing in womens clothes, but I could feel that I wasen't ready, I wasen't ready to begin the journey. So I just focused on other things, I found theater and love it. Then later on I felt I was ready to start transitioning for real this time.

I feel increadibly lucky that I haven't had external factors hindering me from transitioning.

[Sara Thomas]

I'm uncertain what the future holds... perhaps one day I will transition. Two things that presently prevent me (aside from finances - which I could swing in the long run, but wouldn't categorize as a "high-priority expenditure"...) are:

1) I can stay the course and still be happy (though admittedly perhaps less so than if I were to transition... then again, p'haps more so - can't tell the future... but I do know that it's unwise to screw around with "happy"...).

2) I would not do so unless My Lady was 200% okay with it. Not transitioning probably won't kill me... but if I thought that transitioning would cause her any heart-ache at all, then it would be completely off the table.

[zelda]

the only thing stopping me
is
my parents
yes they know
but they wont get me help
I feel like they dont care about me

but parents can only stop you for so long
until they lose their grasp on your life

that day will soon come for me
and that will be one of the happiest days of my life

[michelle gee]

My job its is very physical and I would probably no be able to do it anymore. I guess I could get another easier job.

Afraid of what family would think, Mother siblings etc.although I have somewhat failed at being a male.

Its not that I am not attracted to females (I have always had a deep desire to be one), I have been somewhat a loner after many failed relationships and feelings of inadequacy as a male lover.

I always felt (and women have made jokes) my penis was too small to pleasure a woman satisfactorially.
(I had sever acne when I was a teenager and used to believe the medicine (accutane I think?) had an effect there but no longer believe it did.)

After trying to suppress my desires and true feelings for many years I think I could have been happier as a woman if only I had started earlier in life.

I have never been a real manly man either but played the part.
Sometimes I think I would look nice as a female.

I too have sometimes felt that it was a sexual thing because I was always so aroused when wearing womens undergarments but now I think it is much more.

I am scared and being 50 and having no insurance andno gf's never been married, no kids and no real friends ..........well just writing this really depresses me realizing my life really sux!

I also worry if I would ever pass as a woman and the money involved in transitioning.
I hate shaving my face laser may get most but there is some grey.
I like shaving and waxing legs but wish there were no hair there really.
Sorry for this rant and going off on a tangent.

My life is a bit unusual to say the least and I am scared of any drastic changes for fear that it may make my situation worse but otoh things may be better on the other side possibly.

[Kevin Peña]

I am scared and being 50 and having no insurance and no gf's never been married, no kids and no real friends ..........well just writing this really depresses me realizing my life really sux!

Wow. Well, on the bright side, having no spouse or kids makes it easier since you don't have to worry about any hurt feelings upon coming out or super tight finances.

Sorry, I'm a hopeless optimist.