My wife may loose her job because of me

[kathy bottoms]

This might be hard to follow, and since I'm crying a lot I don't want to read over what I just typed. So I'll just post it, and you can ignore the errors.  And other than it being a giant scream for help, I don't know why I'm even posting this now.   

1:30pm
While at work my wife has tried to distance herself from our little life problems, but after seven months it seems to have caught up with her.  Today she said the supervisor wants to talk to her and a Union Rep to discuss her job performance, and a few procedure errors she made.  She's a Registered Nurse and the errors are only data entry items that relate to specific questions that she asks patients, but once in a while she forgets to enter those items into the computer.  They tape all conversations and the supervisors know she's properly caring for patients, because they went back and listened to tapes of the specific cases they were challenging.  But I guess that doesn't matter, and if they don't let her go this week it would most likely be by April 1. 

So all morning while working outside I was obsessing over this, and I kept saying to myself that it's all my fault.  I stopped and cry for short time and then got back to the yard work to stay busy, but that didn't stop the constant fear that my transition has now destroyed my wife's life.  She's only a year from retirement, and she'll loose thousands of dollars a month because of this.  And she wants to sell our home so she wont have to deal with it after I'm out.  Plus she feels we're too late to fix anything between us now. 

I honestly felt like dying, or finding a way to disappear forever.  And since my therapist is off for another month I called a Crisis Therapist in the same office.  We talked for a while and then she set up an appointment for Friday.  After all, this is my fault, and I need to do something.   But what?  I have no idea what to do next, and I'm not sure a therapist will be able to help.  Because if JoAnn looses her job I'm not sure I can carry the guilt and still move on.  I may just have to find a way to end this transition, and die.  At least then she'd have everything I have now, but without the problems. 

I'm not going to kill myself, but this is really the way I feel.  That is a fact.  It might be cold and morbid, but it's true to my soul. 

Kathy

[KayCeeDee]

Kathy, I'm so sorry to hear that.  But it might not be you. It might be other things and they are using that as an excuse. The union rep should be sticking up for her right? Anyway our thoughts are with you in this hard time. I hope you both get through this OK. Keep us posted.

[Kevin Peña]

How is this your fault? 

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Kathy,  Sometimes minor errors are used as a correctional review.  Unless they cause harm to a patient I doubt that they would fire her over them.  If she improves , they will just be part of her file.

I am sorry that she is wanting to end it, maybe it is for the best.  I know that is hard to here, but sometimes it gives us the freedom to move forward.

Love you, Sis.

[yellowsub11]

(((Kathy))) Sweetie. How in the world is this your fault? I don't know the whole story hun but if are you saying that because you finally choose to do something that makes you happy and that you need to do in order to be happy, that this is going to cause your wife to lose her job? Sorry sweetie - but I'm not buying it... Unless you were up at her job site disrupting her work everyday and causing all sorts of havoc then I can't see how this is your fault so you just stop that stinkin-thinkin right now!

Now then - she is having some issues, sounds like she has let personal stuff seep into work stuff and I know all too well how that can happen.. she's just months away from retirement to boot and that sucks! You know what else sucks? How companies keep a close eye on people who are about to retire and then get rid of them months before they are about to retire so that they don't have to pay them what they should... happens all the time and happens to some of the best people in their fields.  It may be that they are looking for something just so they can cut her loose now. It may have nothing to do with her performance at all!

I am very sorry to hear that she feels like you two won't be able to fix things and I am sure that the last 7 months have not been easy - but I bet they haven't been easy on you either.  If she loses her job - it is NOT your fault. You need to take that guilt you are feeling and wad it up like a piece of paper and throw it away honey. Its not doing either one of you any good. 

Bottom line is, there isn't a dang thing you can do about her job... If they let her go then they let her go... Nothing you can do is going to change that.  Hang in there sweetie. It will be ok. She's a big girl. She's been doing this a long time and it sounds like she is a good nurse.   Just be there if she wants you to be there for her and if she doesn't.. well.. You are responsible for your happiness and she is responsible for hers.

It will all work out hun.

[kathy bottoms]

Thanks girls, but it is my fault.  I should have told her I was transgender long ago, but I couldn't admit it to myself or anyone else.  I mean after all I was self medicating with all sorts of stuff for years and still I kept thinking I was just wierd or deranged.  I could recount ten things in a minute that pointed to GID, but hell, all those meant nothing to me.  I just went on lying to JoAnn and planning for a beautiful furture.  No wonder she hates me sometimes.

The problem with her  minor mistakes at work are all realted to her being at retirement age and the desire of company to save money.  They have hounded some RNs out the door by threatening them until they break and leave.  And other nurses were more routinely accused of mistakes that are made by almost all the RNs, but only those who are getting ready to retire were reprimanded or fired. 

She's talking to the Union rep alone today also to find out if she can take early retirement and keep her fund in the system for one or two more years.  If that doesn't work out she may try to retire in the next two weeks. 

But no matter what, I ended up with terrible depression today and it's not goiing to get better until who knows when.  And you know, the one good thing is my health care system has enough therapists to have one talk to me today, and to set up the Friday appointment.  Unfortunately they're also the same company my wife works for. 

Yeah, I still feel like everyone would be better off without me.  But that's not going to stop me from getting my injection on Friday or taking my daily Spiro.   So maybe I'm o.k.  --  No Way.

Kathy

[Beth Andrea]

She's only a year from retirement, and she'll loose thousands of dollars a month because of this. 

THIS is where the problem is. There are companies out there which will fire employees just before they retire, so they don't have to pay out the retirement money.

They LOOK for excuses, MINOR ones (because that's usually all the company has to go on...everyone makes minor mistakes once in a while, and they SHOULD NOT be used to fire good employees...THANK GOD SHE HAS A UNION. (Hopefully it's a good one).

[kathy bottoms]

...THANK GOD SHE HAS A UNION. (Hopefully it's a good one).

Let's just say it's a union. 

The healthcare system she works for stands to save not just a bit of the retirement contribution, but she would have had paid health care for life.  Luckily I still have that for both of us from my retirement system.

Kathy

[JennX]

THIS is where the problem is. There are companies out there which will fire employees just before they retire, so they don't have to pay out the retirement money.

Sadly, the company I work for, just fired a bunch of people (for no good reason) just so they could get out of paying them a yearly bonus. A bunch of people were "let go for various BS reasons" exactly 2 weeks short of being eligible for the bonus. Companies are all about doing whatever to save money. It's sickening.

Don't blame yourself. This sort of stuff happens everyday.

[Rita]

Collateral damage may not be our fault but  it doesn't hurt any less than if it were our own directly.

I hope for her the best, and to try fighting as hard as she can.  Corporations are ruthless,  at the end of the day it won't be her fault or your fault but a corrupt system.  Everyone's entitled to go through brief periods of sadness, its jsut the human condition.  We are not robots, and if she does get fired I would find a hot shot lawyer who will be more than willing to prove her/his stuff against them.

[kathy bottoms]

Jenn and Rita

JoAnn knows she's having depression problems also because of this, so she went to see a psychiatric therapist yesterday before work, and set up future appointments.  Even though she knows what the company does to people she wasn't prepared for them to focus on her.  And I'm not prepared for how it effects both of us.  Corporate managers are flat out evil, and they should have to live with the same kind of fear and unfair economic instability they inflict on their workers. But since that's not going to happen I hope they suffer every illness thats painful and ugly.

Yes, we'll both make it.  And together or apart I'll never stop giving her all the love and support I can.  We have investments, but they were meant for our retirement, and our retirement together is gone now.  So we'll probably split what we have.

Kathy

[Barbara Ella]

I am very sad to read of this situation Kathy.  I am maddened at the corporate greed.  Odds are that the union knows and the corporation, that a good lawyer would tie up the company for years going over every one of their records and just suggesting a class action suit would pucker them up real well.  Hope it does not come to that.

I am in a similar situation, 66 years old, retired, and just realizing now I am TS, and going over all the impacts on my wife who knows I dress, but already feels like her promised golden years have been torn away from her over my realization of being a crossdresser 17 months ago.  Come a long way since then, but I have never been more scared in my life.

We all have to live with the emotional distress announcements like these can produce in our wives.  Our fault or not, the burden only rests on our shoulders.  Suffer in silence, or cleanse the soul, but bring down the rain.  It is a no win game.  I wish you all the best I possibly can.

Barbara

[kathy bottoms]

Thanks Barbara, and all you girls.  Your positive vibes must have done the trick.  JoAnn will get a year probation and that'll give time for her to retire in January if she doesn't make this one mistake again.  The manager still has to approve this, but it should go through since the union rep went along with it.

Hugs for all.  Kathy   

[SonadoraXVX]

Kathy for what its worth,

Wiengarten rights.

WEINGARTEN RIGHTS
Weingarten rights guarantee an employee the right to Union representation during an investigatory interview. These rights, established by the Supreme Court, in 1975 in the case of J'. Weingarten Inc,, must be claimed by the employee. The supervisor has no obligation to inform an employee that s/he is entitled to Union representation.

What is an Investigatory Interview?

An investigatory interview is one in which a Supervisor questions an employee to obtain information which could be used as a basis for discipline or asks an employee to defend his/her conduct. If an employee has a reasonable belief that discipline or discharge may result from what s/he says, the employee has the right to request Union representation.

Examples of such an interview are:

The interview is part of the employer's disciplinary procedure or is a component of the employer's procedure for determining whether discipline will be imposed.

The purpose of the interview is to investigate an employee's performance where discipline, demotion or other adverse consequences to the employee's job status or working conditions are a possible result.

The purpose of the interview is to elicit facts from the employee to support disciplinary action that is probable or that is being considered, or to obtain admissions of misconduct or other evidence to support a disciplinary decision already made.

The employee is required to explain his/her conduct, or defend it during the interview, or is compelled to answer questions or give evidence.

Taken from: http://www.umass.edu/usa/weingarten.htm
Also, in my experience.
1. Ask for the proof of wrongdoing. You dont' supply any info., you just ask.
2. You answer in short yes or not answers, dont' offer anymore than necessary.
3. Take a notepad and write what is being said.

Of course there is more, but well, next time, she just for safety measures, consult with a labor law attorney and get informed on her legal rights.

Lucia,
FWIW, my girlfriend had lots of problems at work, due to a hearing problem she has in one ear, things she does before going to work which is just general advice.

1. Sleep early, even if it means going to be crying or distraught.
2. Eat well.
3. Let her vent, even if its a broken record about work, of course not you being insulted, she needs to process this information, without professional help, and even then, figure, therapist see you and/or her, what? One hour or 3 at most a week? It took many dozens of hours, probably hundreds of hours of support for my girlfriend(ie.strong possibility of wife material, since she accepts my tg status)by me to help her through her work problems, still she is work in progress.

Its not easy, but it can be done, at least up to now for me.

[KayCeeDee]

Thanks Barbara, and all you girls.  Your positive vibes must have done the trick.  JoAnn will get a year probation and that'll give time for her to retire in January if she doesn't make this one mistake again.  The manager still has to approve this, but it should go through since the union rep went along with it.

Hugs for all.  Kathy   

That's good, I hope they leave her be now and let her finish out her term there.

[Barbara Ella]

Kathy,

I am so very glad this worked out like it has.  good advice to try and follow from Sonadora to help your wife cope with the situation and better prepare for each work day.  this may be a positive time for you to have input to her life, and her knowing you really care about her like this could be helpful in her outlook.

Barbara

[yellowsub11]

Thanks Barbara, and all you girls.  Your positive vibes must have done the trick.  JoAnn will get a year probation and that'll give time for her to retire in January if she doesn't make this one mistake again.  The manager still has to approve this, but it should go through since the union rep went along with it.

Hugs for all.  Kathy   

This is good news! So glad to hear hun! Positive vibes for sure! It is truly unfair that they are even doing this to her but still. small victories! We'll take them right?

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

^^^
| |  |

+1

Great news!

[Elspeth]

The problem with her  minor mistakes at work are all realted to her being at retirement age and the desire of company to save money.  They have hounded some RNs out the door by threatening them until they break and leave.  And other nurses were more routinely accused of mistakes that are made by almost all the RNs, but only those who are getting ready to retire were reprimanded or fired.

I know the feeling of wanting to believe that my own lapses of integrity (in not coming out sooner, in not being more honest with myself and whatever) have caused problems in the lives of those I've been closest to.  I sometimes feel guilty, for instance, that my kids have to deal with traits that they pretty clearly got from me, and my lack of being honest is some part of that. Then again, their very existence, their great Math SAT scores and their creativity and curiosity are also at least partly my "fault."

Please re-read the paragraph I quoted, though. How is a company trying to screw your wife out of her retirement pension something that's your fault. This is a callow move that is all too common in this country. It's certainly not based on the fact that you are trans. Not everything is within your control.

Even if your wife has had issues with maintaining focus that are partly due to the emotional turmoil between you and her, ultimately, she has some responsibility for, and control over her own reactions. Some of them undoubtedly come from the culture's transphobia, her concerns about being diminished or embarrassed over being associated with you or whatever. There's a part of it that is ingrained in a culture that anathemizes us and others who are different.  And that's a part that few of us can do much about... it would be there in some form, no matter what other choices you might have made in some alternate universe.

Killing yourself or doing other self harm is not likely to have the benefits you might think it could. And in any case, taking that route lets the bastards win, which is what I try to think about whenever my own thoughts go dark (and they do that a lot more often than I'd like to admit).  Before you start thinking more along those lines, make an inventory of all the people who would be hurt by your leaving early, and try not to overdramatize the negative aspects... your wife may be all kinds of angry and she may well decide to separate herself from you. Mine did.  At the same time, in the years since then, she has come to realize that it wasn't quite so terrible as she imagined at the time -- also, finding the mythical man of her dreams didn't turn out so well, since she really can't tolerate most men, and at least never really clicked with any of those she's dated since.

I could spin this to say that I "ruined her" sexually, but the fact is, I dated very few people, and I really did feel, when we met, that we had an affinity for one another that ran deep, and included my own femininity as part of it, even when that femininity was being concealed in some ways. In the end, your wife is her own person, and at least some of her problems are actually hers, and not a result of things you have "done to her" by being (belatedly) honest about who you are.

PS: I really need to learn to read to the end of threads. I'm tempted to pull this, now that I realize the crisis is over. Then again, now that you are out of crisis for the time being, maybe what I said is something that will be more readily taken in, even though if was a response to things you said in a much more stressful and distressed state?

[kathy bottoms]

It's great to have people who care.  Thank you girls. JoAnn's still flipped-out, but better.

Sonadora: I had suggested talking to other advisers at the California Nurses Association (CNA), but she decided to wait and see what happens.   CNA is now affiliated with the AFL-CIO so they have a lot of backing.  But the health care provider has lawyers that dance around signed contracts. Anyway, JoAnn has a year and that's all she wanted.  If she can stay on their good side.

Elspeth:  What do you mean you didn't read the entire post.   ,  Like I haven't done that a million times before.   But really, you've gone through so many of the things I'm dealing with that it's like a mirror sometimes.  You give good advice and I appreciate it.  Hugs.

So for now let me say - Life rocks when people care.  Love ya.
Kathy