Just need some advice

[Tiffanie]

I think I may be finally willing to deal with something I've known in my heart my entire life.  I have, on many occasions, dreamed what life would be like if I had only been born as a female.  I have also had nightmares of what it must be like to face the truth, come out and go through transition. 

I am 40 years old with a masculine looking and hairy body and I've been hiding behind my mustache for the past 20+ years (although I shaved it off once several years ago to dress enfemme for Halloween ... but that's a story for another time).  I learned to hide my emotions and other feminine tendencies at a very young age to ward away the ridicule and rejection from my siblings and friends, but it is so tiring to keep it all bottled up.

I've been married for nearly 19 years and we have a 15 year old son.  I cannot imagine the hurt this will cause them, especially my son ... My God!  My son! ... I'd rather die than cause this amount of grief, pain and embarrassment to him or my beautiful wife.  I was certain that my wife suspected something, but after reading some of the posts I guess I better not assume anything, but how do I tell her?

I looked up the names of therapists in the past, but didn't have the nerve to call them. I even considered trying to tell my friend (my best friend who is gay and came out to me in college ... and I didn't turn my back on him), but when I even hint at the subject he says things like, "That's not natural!" or "Those people should accept the body they were born with."  So I crawl back into my hiding place and hope I didn't give my secret away.

I don't know who I'm kidding, I look like a dude and always will.  I'll never be able to look feminine and beautiful like all of you.  I don't even know if I can muster the courage to begin the journey let alone complete it.  I know I have a female mind, spirit and soul and as the years go by the yearning to have a body to match is becoming stronger and stronger.

I am sorry for rambling on this way, but I am confused, scared and feel so very alone.

Tiffanie

[beth]

Hello Tiffanie,

               Welcome to Susan's. Your story is a very familiar one that many of us here share. I think the best thing for you would be to find a therapist experienced in gender identity disorder, someone experienced will put you at ease and understand the things you are going through. I wouldn't worry bout the details of transition and telling family members until you have had time to discuss it with a therapist and understand for yourself what course you will take.  I know it all seems so difficult but I also know the road you have been on very well and it can be just as difficult. Please stay and chat with us.


beth

[Cassandra]

Hi Tiffanie,

Your intro really touches me. You say you have looked into therapists but could never work up the courage to pick up the phone. God, does that bring back memories. So many times I started to pick up that phone start to dial the number and then hang up. Those feelings you talk about that keep growing. They don't stop, they never do no matter how hard we try to suppress them. No matter where you go there you are.

Your son? There's an open question. We remember so well what it was like being us in high school and we don't want our children having to suffer that. Have you talked to your son? Not about you, about him. He won't be forthcoming he will keep things bottled up but you have to know like all teenagers he is going through some trying times. It's adding to those burdens that worries you, isn't it?

What will be most important to him is that you are there for him. Now most kids are embarressed by thier parents as a general rule. Talk to him about him and the problems he faces. In the meantime make that call to a therapist and tell him or her who you are. In time, and you must take time, you will be able to have a discussion with your son about who you really are and your therapist can help you with that and your wife.

We are here for you and you can come here and be yourself and we can be your port in a storm that is your life now. We care because we are and have been where you are. We understand and want to help.

There are so many stories here that you can relate to. Take your time and catch up on some valuable reading. So fix yourself a cup of tea or other relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set a spell. Welcome to Susan's!

Good Journey,

Cassie

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Tiffanie,

Welcome to Susan's.  As was mentioned, your story is very similar to many here, so you don't have to feel that you are alone anymore.  I know that you will meet many here in the same position that you find yourself.  Read their posts/advice and be sure to browse around the Wiki as there is a wealth of information there that may help shed some light onto the feelings and issues you are experiencing.

Based on what you have said, as recommended, you should definitely arrange for therapy sessions before embarking on any changes, revelations, or admissions.  You mentioned that you've often dreamed of what life would be like if you had been born a woman, and that you've learned to hide your emotions, and feminine side.  Many men have experienced these feeling but that doesn't necessarily mean that are a woman, just as having dreams and thoughts of having sex with a man doesn't make you gay.  You have to be absolutely sure of what the issues are and then after careful consideration decide on the course of action you should take, that is why therapy would be so important in your case as there seems to be so much doubt, and confusion.

I was wondering if you have ever mentioned these feeling to your wife, and if so, what were her reactions?  I came out to my daughter about 4 months ago now, and although we still talk and visit, she doesn't want to see Stephanie.   Until she can get her head around this, she will only agree to see me as her dad.  She is deeply hurt by my transition, and it breaks my heart that I've done this to her, but I had no choice, it's who I am and I can't deny that.  So this is one reason why you have to be absolutely sure.

Take time to consider all the advice and digest the information here Tiffanie, and make that phone call, what harm can it do.    I'm sure we'll chat later, so keep us posted hon.

Take care,

Steph

[Kendall]

Body image is something even genetically born women face. Look in your local mall and we all see a variety of "looks" , "appearances" , "shapes", and "sizes" (as well as some of them maybe being transitioned women). Don't feel defeated by saying you will always look how you look. There are endless options and things that can cure or help any issue you can think of. Just stick with the knowledge that first you are worth it, and second you deserve to feel good about yourself, and third you have the right to some essential needs in life being fulfilled.

Yes I aggree you should decide what exactly the issues are and courses of action. I add to that you should decide to do it and conquer any fears or repressions (if you have them). Take that first step, its not as far as you think, nor not as hard. Do it for you. Your worth it. You can always step back if you find its not what you want.

[Tiffanie]

You are all angels.  Thank you for the warm welcome and advice.

Ever since I was young I have not liked to deal with or talk about my feelings.  It's always seemed easier to keep everything tucked away (probably another issue to discuss with a therapist) ... it was even hard to write my original post .  That being said, have I ever discussed these feelings with my wife?  Not really, not in any detail. 

Before we were married I asked her if she would still love me if I wanted to be a woman (too long of a story to talk about why I was even dating when I was trying to deal with my gender issue).  To my surprise she said she would love me no matter what ... but I attribute this to both of us being young, dumb and in love.  After we were married she would help me dress up on occasion but I never went out dressed up.

After our first son died at 3 months I basically shut down.  I couldn't deal with every day life let alone gender issues.  Over the past several years we've had little talks but nothing in depth.  She did buy me a nightgown after I told her I felt more comfortable wearing one to bed.

As far as our son.  He's been raised to be open minded, respect people and to not judge people simply by their life style, race etc.  I am relatively certain that if he found out someone he knows was a transsexual he would be pretty open minded about it ... I'm not so sure he will be so open minded when it comes to me.

I know I need to find a therapist, but that is a catch 22.  I don't want to tell my wife until I'm certain what I'm really feeling, but I need to explain to her why I'm going to see a therapist.

Just knowing I have a place to come and talk makes everything just a little easier.  Thank you again.

[Leigh]

  I am relatively certain that if he found out someone he knows was a transsexual he would be pretty open minded about it ... I'm not so sure he will be so open minded when it comes to me.

I have to relate a story to you:

My son (who calls me his Wicked Stepmom) was working construction and became friends with another worker.  They went for beers after work and one night the friend asked him if he would like to drop by his house for a beer.  Of course my son accepted a chance at free beer.  The friend said but there is one thing you need to know, my dad lives as a woman.  My son said he just started laughing and the kid was embarrassed, really PO'd and hurt.  My son says well guess what?

It turns out that I have known the other parent since I started transitioning.    She even used to post here in 1999/2000.  No real moral to the story, just don't give up hope.  Kids today are more tolerant of diversity than we sometimes expect.

[Terri-Gene]

Hello Tiffanie

I think I may be finally willing to deal with something I've known in my heart my entire life.

I know how that is.  I've known the truth of myself it seems forever, but turned my back on it in my adult life, completely it would seem.  I had built a life as a straight male and had to much going for me to give it up.  I wasn't happy and was in total conflict with myself and my life, but I had respect, money and deeply bonded friendships I did not want to risk.  I knew what would happen if I came out, so instead, I did everything possible to make it appear to be not so.  In the end though, it simply wasn't worth it, I found I was slowly destroying myself, litterally.

I've been married for nearly 19 years and we have a 15 year old son.  I cannot imagine the hurt this will cause them, especially my son ... My God!  My son! ... I'd rather die than cause this amount of grief, pain and embarrassment to him or my beautiful wife.

Yeah, thats the way it is.  When I figured out that nothing could be worse then what I was going through I had been married about 15 years and had 4 daughters and a son and I went through a lot of agony about what it would do to all of them if I came out and began transition.  After some thought about it though I realized that they all knew me well enough to know that I would never do anything to hurt anyone were it not necessary for my survival and I reliied on our bonds to see it through.   The results were mixed, The wife totally at odds with me about it and the children hurt by it, but realizing I wouldn't do such a thing unless I had no other choice.

My wife seems to have come to terms with it now, 10 years later and the children have all accepted that I must do what I must do and stand totally behind me on this issue.  It hasn't been easy and a lot of it has bordered on insanity, but all it coming together these days.  Persistance and patience, two qualities that seem to be supreme in such things.

My carreer has been cut short over it, but I'm glad it was.  The house, cars and money is all gone, but life is more important.  I find these days that money I would have formally not even thought about can be a small fortune these days, but I'm happier doing without then I formarly was spending it.  There are trade offs, good and bad.  I can only say I am finally coming to peace with myself with nothing to prove to anyone as was formoraly the case.  Those that wish to condem me are intitled to thier opinion, but I do as I wish and must regardless, and that means everything to me.

If you can't love you, how can you expect anyone else to love you or you to truely love them?  despite the pain and the trials, you can only be happy when you are happy with yourself and your life.

I don't know who I'm kidding, I look like a dude and always will.  I'll never be able to look feminine and beautiful like all of you.

I know it's important to look like your vision of yourself, but you must simply look at who you are and be who you are, and things will fall into place, regardless of your looks.  I know I spent decades training and working on appearing to be a fit, healthy male and even after years of trying to reverse the process, most of it still shows, but I get the benifit of the doubt in the company of people who do not know me.  It's all in your self confidence and pride in yourself.  forget the looks, show the soul and the heart and all will be apparent.  It's a hard lesson to learn, not having to be better then others, not having to be tougher, not having to be the rock in hard times, only being what you can be and do what you can do.

I am confused, scared and feel so very alone

Yes, we can all say that, transgendered or not.  in the last year I have learned more about fear and lonelyness than i ever wanted to know as my world began to turn around from all that was familiar.

This has been a strange process, but one that I had awaited for some years.  Fear was never something I would recognize not to long ago, but now it crops up all to frequently and yes, it scares me, something i would never have admitted to not so long ago and I feel lonelyness in a way I never could before, but it has made me more in contact with myself and the world about me in a way I never could be before.  I feel I am a better person now that I can actually feel things I formarly surpressed.  More vulnurable yes, but so much more alive.

All you can do is weigh the scales of ife and what it means to you now and if you truely7 want to affect a change in your relationship with yourself and the world about you.  there are no certainties in what you will find if you go one with it, but you will experience life in a way you never thought possible.

Think hard, think long and do what seems best to you.  If you go with it, do not trust in anything you think you will find, it has a way of finding itself and may not look in the end at all like you expected it would.  Such is what I have found.  Good luck in your hopes and dreams and may they turn out well, even if not what you expected.

Terri