I am a female hoping to be a male. I need some kind of proof that there are people like me. I go out into the real world and I feel like a completely useless, disconnected being. I need to know that people like me can survive and face the world without going to war with it. I see from my male mind how my female body is perceived and I am powerless to fight it. I don't pass, I just look like an angry lesbian or a gay little boy. I was turned away from the hospital and therapy. I missed my childhood, my teenage years, endured the humiliation of my feminine parts. I'm starting to snap at anyone who talks to me. I can't stand my own voice, appearance, reality. I want to know how people like me live in the real world, because everything inside me is telling me I'm not real and shouldn't be alive. Sorry if this sounds dramatic. There seem to be a lot of female trans people who are okay with staying female but I can't understand that. It feels like it's killing me. Despite everything I know that could have caused it, how hard I tried to fix it or make sense of it, I know all of that means nothing coming from the mouth of a little girl who will never even come close to growing up into a man or a woman.
