Why can't I express how I feel anymore???

[Jason_S]

I don't know what is wrong with me, perhaps I have kept my secret so long I have developed some kind of emotional barrier I really don't know.
I only seem to be able to express myself through words, I am getting mood swings very often lately but it barely shows. I get all happy or sad inside, but I literally cannot express it.
I have cried on occasion but pretty much unnoticeable unless you're staring me directly in the face.

I am going to see a Gender Therapist on the 26th but I'm not sure how its going to help. If I can't begin to breakdown this barrier after about 2-4 months of transitioning, how is a 1 hour meeting going to help me??

I'm so ashamed of myself, I've considered just killing myself and save everyone the hassle. I've almost done it on many occasions in the past but pulled myself out of it somehow.
I don't know any girls I can talk to in person or on a 1 to 1 basis personally. I doubt any of the girls I went to school or college with even remember me as I stayed away from almost everyone at school to avoid getting bullied more than I already did.
I only really have 2 true friends and they both live 15-20 miles away and I have no way of going to see them.
Its so lonely. 

[Cassandra Hyacinth]

OK, first things first: please, please don't kill yourself. You're 20 now - with a bit of a luck, that's only a quarter of your life so far. If you can get through the initial hurdles, you have decades of potential happiness to look forward to - as a woman.

I don't know what is wrong with me, perhaps I have kept my secret so long I have developed some kind of emotional barrier I really don't know.
I only seem to be able to express myself through words, I am getting mood swings very often lately but it barely shows. I get all happy or sad inside, but I literally cannot express it.
I have cried on occasion but pretty much unnoticeable unless you're staring me directly in the face.

Repressed emotions are a big problem. When I was attending an all boys' school, I pretty much had to learn how to stop crying, because if you did then you'd really be for it. It can be difficult getting used to not repressing emotions, and learning to do so isn't an easy process, but just remember - how you feel now is not at all indicative of how you'll feel in, say, five years.

I am going to see a Gender Therapist on the 26th but I'm not sure how its going to help. If I can't begin to breakdown this barrier after about 2-4 months of transitioning, how is a 1 hour meeting going to help me??

There's no real way of telling until the meeting occurs. It might be very helpful - it might not be helpful at all. But if you go in with the assumption that it definitely won't, then you've already predicted your own future.

I don't know any girls I can talk to in person or on a 1 to 1 basis personally. I doubt any of the girls I went to school or college with even remember me as I stayed away from almost everyone at school to avoid getting bullied more than I already did.
I only really have 2 true friends and they both live 15-20 miles away and I have no way of going to see them.
Its so lonely. 

If you need someone to talk to, then please feel free to add me on Skype, or send me a PM. Even if you can't see anyone in person, it's important to talk to somebody, especially if you're contemplating suicide. Life is too valuable for that.

[JoanneB]

After some 50+ years of dealing with my gender issues, especially NOT dealing with it, I can tell you that you get pretty good at at burying emotions and feelings. If you don't learn how to you feel that you will either be eaten alive, or worse, someone just may break through the facade you built and discover your secret. To undo all that subconcous training takes time and work.

Guilt is definetly the Number 1 killer of dreams IMO. Shame was easy to loose in comparison. Loosing shame naturally follows with self acceptance. I wish I knew a good way to loose guilt. Not guilt about being trans but specifically all the guilt, imagined and very real, that comes as a result of doing something about being trans. At times I wish I could be like others that say "F' everyone. It's your life not theirs", but I am not. Then I wonder how much empathy I would be left if I always felt that way?

About all I can offer for help is not to give up your hopes, wishes, and dreams. If you loose those you just become a lifeless machine, no longer a person. Not a fun life. That light at the end of the tunnel is not a 3 mile long coal train barreling down on you. There will be these periods as you question yourself and your motives. I consider that a good thing. To transition and be happy you need to be sure it is the right thing for you to do.