Finding it increasingly difficult to deal with dysphoria

[Adelkhf]

Hi!

I'm not really sure where to start to be honest but I feel as though I need to say something to someone so I guess I'll start by saying I am a 26 year old male who has been dealing with gender dysphoria for the past 10 years and I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep myself falling back into depression.

When I was a teenager, I didn't know what any of this was. I didn't know such a thing existed but I remember how I felt. I remember being curious about the idea of being a girl; going as far as trying on girls' clothing and underwear in secret and I was always ashamed of how I felt when I did it. Not because it felt weird or wrong but because it felt right. When I looked at myself in the mirror dressed as a girl, I liked what I saw, I felt more comfortable with myself as a girl and I felt shame because I thought there was something horribly wrong with me for it.

I fell into depression nearing the end of High School and college. I did not like who I was. I was not comfortable with myself. I stopped caring about myself and pretty much everything else in my life, even dropped out of college. I had pretty much shut down. My only solace in life was the internet where I could assume a female persona. I would pretend to be a girl online on forums and in games except... it did not feel like pretending. I never once felt like I was pretending to be someone I'm not. I was simply being myself but as a girl and it felt entirely natural to me. It felt as though the woman I am online was the real me and that I simply pretend to be a man offline.

This has actually helped me a lot dealing with my dysphoria and helped me get through my depression all those years ago. It took a long time to get through it. It has only been the past 2 or 3 years that I've actually felt happy with life and myself and I feel being a woman online, leading this dual life has helped me remain somewhat stable. It has up until recently been enough for me to keep a handle on it but due to certain events that have transpired recently I have came to the realisation that I simply am not a woman (in the literal sense) and it has been crushingly devastating to my frame of mind. It has been a roller coaster of crippling sadness and solemn acceptance.

Because of this, I feel as though I may be slipping back into depression. I find myself becoming increasingly apathetic; not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, not caring about my job which I usually enjoy, not wanting to do anything with anyone. I  am forcing myself to be busy, I force myself to do things because it helps keeping my mind occupied and focused on other things but it is hard to keep up.

I have been giving serious considerations into going for the transition and becoming the woman I believe myself to be but I look at everything that has to be done and everything I have to go through and I can't help but feeling discouraged.

I have thought about wearing womens clothing and underwear around the house to get some sort of idea of what it might actually feel like but my current living situation does not afford me any privacy or personal space to explore any... femininity for myself. I feel as though - if I were to begin transitioning - that I would need a lot of privacy and personal space to deal with things on my own. Not to say I wouldn't welcome support from others but I feel as though this would be something I have to do by myself. I have at least already begun looking for a place I can live by myself.

My other concern is my age. I am 27 years old in a few weeks and I have suffered from male pattern baldness. I am very self conscious about it. It was bad enough losing my hair as a man that I am afraid I would feel even worse about it if I were to become a bald woman. I know it is incredibly vain but being able to pass as a woman is important to me in making this decision. I fear that I have left this all far too late. With baldness, a fully developed male body and knowing I would likely be in my 30s before I can even have srs surgery; I can't help but feel it is a lost cause.

But my biggest concern with transition would be - after going through the transition and surgery - that I wouldn't feel any happier about myself than I did before and would have just gone through everything for nothing :|

I really, really don't know what to do right now. I guess I'm not really looking for any definite answers just now, I just felt as though I needed to say something to someone so sorry for the long post and if this is in the wrong section, sorry for that too

[Carrie Liz]

If you never have, watch some Youtube videos on the effects of hormone replacement therapy. And maybe look at some of the "before and after" pictures posted here.

I say this because I myself was extremely worried about not being able to truly become a woman, and worried that I wouldn't be happy with myself. But let me tell you, looking at these pictures and these videos was a HUGE motivation, that made me believe for the first time in my life that it really was possible. And once I finally was able to free myself from the social stigma of "I don't want to look like some half-male half-female person for the rest of my life," I was finally able to sort out my thoughts and make a clear decision about whether I really did want to be a girl or not. So this is really worth looking into.

(I'm just about the same age as you, by the way, currently 27 years old. And I too have a thinning hairline. But it is true, feminizing hormones really can fix that if the hair loss has been recent, let's say within the last 7 years or so. Even after only a month on HRT myself, I'm already seeing little hairs popping up all over the place in the parts that were previously receding. It depends on how severe the baldness is already, and how recently it started disappearing, but the general rule is that if you can still see hair follicles there, it can indeed still grow back, since the follicles have just been rendered inactive by the effects of DHT rather than being completely dead. And likewise, HRT can take care of a LOT of the "fully developed male body" thing. Anything that is based on soft tissue rather than bone structure can and does change on estrogen.)

Really, what I'm trying to do here is to show you that it might not be as impossible as you might think. I don't want that to end up being the factor that keeps you from exploring this further, like it did with me for so long. The real question is about who YOU feel like. Do you feel like your identity is female? That things just aren't working right as a guy, and that becoming a girl would finally make you feel right, fully able to be yourself, and feel correct? This is the real question to think about. (By the way, I used to do the same thing with assuming female aliases on the internet to let me feel like I was being my true self.)

Talking to a therapist would indeed help. As would looking at some of the many internet resources that are available on how to determine if you really are transgender. Go looking! This is all about self-discovery, finding out what YOUR personal identity is. Don't get bogged down too much over the details. Age 26/27 is still plenty young if you really do want it. Full masculinization isn't usually done until men's mid-30's or so. And even then, there are STILL a ton of trans-women who end up looking amazing even well past that age. The general rule is hormones will work much better the younger you start taking them, but it's definitely not too late. So don't let that fear stop you from seriously thinking about it.

Anyway, that's my two cents as a 27-year-old trans girl that just went through this period of self-discovery myself a few short months ago, and now indeed is on HRT and in the process of finally making my physical gender match the gender in my head.

[Adelkhf]

You're right, I shouldn't get so ahead of myself. It's hard not to when thinking of everything that needs to be done =P

I have been looking at images and videos of people who have gone through it and they do give me a lot of hope with how good they look. Seen a couple who have started older than I have and some who are bald too and it does help a lot to see that it is possible.

I definitely want to start seeing a therapist as soon as possible but I think my first priority is going to be finding a place I can live on my own and deal with this privately. I'm pretty certain this is something I want and I still have a lot of concerns but it is certainly something I want to do.

EDIT: It's a weird feeling. I am excited about it. I want to start as soon as I can and it is a little frustrating having to live as a man for the time being. I'm finding it really hard to concentrate on anything, I can't help thinking about all of this. I'm curious to know how it all progresses. I live in the UK and I guess it'll be through the NHS I'll be doing it through, I don't suppose anyone in the UK could give me a step by step of what I should expect?

[spacial]

EDIT: It's a weird feeling. I am excited about it. I want to start as soon as I can and it is a little frustrating having to live as a man for the time being. I'm finding it really hard to concentrate on anything, I can't help thinking about all of this. I'm curious to know how it all progresses. I live in the UK and I guess it'll be through the NHS I'll be doing it through, I don't suppose anyone in the UK could give me a step by step of what I should expect?

Well, you live as you are. How other see you is a matter for them.

I have lived most of my life, as a female with a male body. I accept that others see me as male. I don't really wear female clothing, mainly because of fear. But that's OK.

27 is an ideal age frankly. You will turn out to be what ever is going to happen.

I've wathced some amazing transformations here on Susans'.

[Jason_S]

Well, I could probably say for everyone that making the step to come here and talk is a very important one. Its taken me close to 2-4 months before I eventually told someone and then eventually ended up here.
Everyone on susans are super nice and very supportive.

I am only 20 but I do exactly the same as you, I tend to hide myself inside my games. However I found it not enough for my desire to be who I am on the inside on the outside as well.
So I actually wear female underwear at the moment. Have done for the past week and I'm loving it.I actually find them more comfortable than my male underwear. I have also started expressing myself but in very subtle ways to not draw much attention. I also found having some nightwear to be very relieving. Every night before I go to bed I will slip into my female nightwear and just stand in front of a mirror, sit on my bed and just relax.

Its amazing how much it can build your confidence in yourself. A few months ago I started coming out after. years of hiding, then I reached a point where I felt I had torn myself into a million pieces and it felt horrible. Now I do whatever I can to feel more like me. Try starting with just the way you walk, try shaving as I found that particularly effective. I hope eventually I'll look the way I feel. Its a long, twisting road we walk and there are lots of forkes in the road, everyone chooses there own path. You are not alone, and I have to say that is one of the best feelings I've ever had finding there are others like me.

I to also live in the uk and will be going to see a therapist very soon. I can't wait 

[Rachel85]

I found all your stories to be really similar to mine. I always had a female avatar in games and had my WoW characters all girls and would just run with it when people assumed that I was a gg. I was asked once by someone why that was so, I just said that I'd rather look at a cute mage all day than have some boring looking guy (which is true too!), but really I just didnt want to see myself in those worlds as male and that never clicked to me until not long ago.
I'm also 27 and cant help but think that the clock is ticking but I also dont want to rush into things either. What a wonderful world we live in where we want something so bad and right now but the barriers that hold us back such as waiting lists for therapists, psychiatrist, doctors etc. coupled with our own self doubts just take us on an emotional rollercoaster. I've already waited a week to see my GP about this and now have had to wait another to get referrals etc happening and its doing my head in!
I'm doing the same as you Jason_S and just letting myself go from holding back and acting, walking and talking the way that I feel that I want to no one has noticed or said anything, yet actually makes a huge difference to how I feel. I'm also working on my voice in the car and although I have quite a deep voice I am making progress! Only been doing it for a week and I can hold it for longer and have been practicing and coming up with new things to try. Some sound terrible, some work! I think the best thing at the beginning is to focus on one or two things at a time. When I first said that I was transgender to myself out loud I was so happy but then it dawned on me, where to go from here?

I need to see a Doctor. I want to see a therapist. How soon do I want to use hormones? Will I want SRS? How can I afford to pay for this? How will this effect my job and future career? Who and when do I come out to? What do I do if they dont understand it?

As you can see the list goes on and I really dont want to take up the whole page with my doubts and questions.
I have a journal/diary that I'm writing in and I think that really helps too! You can write down your thoughts and feelings about things and it can be quite therapeutic. It is amazing to go back and read previous entries and think "Wow! I've come a long way!" or "Gee, that was a really ->-bleeped-<- time in my life but I got through it.". In fact I would say it is probably the best thing to keep me motivated and really helps on those nights where doubt and fear come crawling into your head.
I also ramble at times hahahah
The main thing that I would recommend is focusing on only a couple of things at a time. This whole new world is very daunting to begin with (was for me at least) and I'm just taking it one or two things at a time. First thing I did was actually went into a store and bought myself some clothes for home. I didn't tell them they were for me but 2 months ago the thought of even standing in the womens clothes section made me feel awkward and totally obvious, now after only a few more days shopping I will be more than happy to search through the bras in a lingerie shop to find my size. If the sales assistant asks if they can help me I just say "I'm looking for a ...", I dont say "Oh uh yea its for my gf!" or anything like that. I've found they dont care! They just help you as if you were another customer and probably assume that it is for someone else.
From that alone I look back and remember what was such a big deal for me now barely rates a mention. I also do try to avoid shopping at peak times too just in case! hahhahha
I also need to lose a fair bit of weight before starting hormones (cos it will be much more difficult afterwards) and that is my primary focus. The wheels are in motion and I need to stay on target. I bought a few sports bras to run in and that really helps with focus for both weightloss/getting fit and also remembering why I am doing it! (plus it feels liberating! No one can tell if you have it on under a tshirt while jogging).
Btw, I really recommend that you really reconsider your next haircut! I got one about a week or so ago and as soon as I got home realised that I just put myself back 6 months transitioning. So now its super short (much shorter than I even asked for which is even more annoying!) and I know that I will be growing it for at least another 6 months before its at a length that I would reasonably consider "girlie" for someone of my build. Its super curly and is a real pain to deal with when its long but I know that a year from now I will have one less thing to worry about. Why worry about things that we cant change? It only frustrates the hell out of you and makes you feel more helpless despite knowing that you cant help the situation.
Making list really helps with prioritising things. I am like you Adelkhf, until I had my own place with my own space I couldn't start to consider investigating my trans issues further. I am yet to see a therapist/counselor/psychologist but really think that that is the next big step for me. I, like you, know that I have an issue with my gender identity and that I want to change to suit myself better, just how far I want to go, how quickly and also coming out are the biggest questions in my head atm. Like I said before I want to get moving ASAP but also know that it might be best or smoother until I sort out a better work arrangement or find out how my friends and family feel before coming out to them 6 months down the track from starting hormones and saying "ta-da!" when I cant hide it anymore.
Okay, last thing I promise! Find one thing that you like about your femme side. It might be that you have a great voice, it might be that you already feel comfortable in clothes, it might be that you have started using makeup at home and you're getting the hang of it, anything! Remember that! Hold onto it! I have been told that I have a beautiful smile and when I look in the mirror and see a guys face (particularly before shaving!) and wonder "How the hell am I ever going to transition?" I smile! I stop and think "Hey! You've got this! The rest of it will come with time".
Your doing great is the big thing. We all start somewhere and taking time to prepare is time seldom wasted.
Ok! I think I've said enough for now, its late!
Let me know how you go girls.

[spacial]

cynths has it nailed.

Go for that. I really wish I had heard that in my 20s.

[Rachel85]

<gasp!>
OMG! I think I love you spacial! I want to frame your post! Thank you!

Ahem.

Just my thoughts on it all. Even still we all have our days and the too-ing and fro-ing can get you unawares.
Tbh my greatest fear is seeing the psych who prescribes hormones and them saying, "Nope". Yea, nightmares about that one.