Coming out question (sorry, was not sure where to post this)

[Toni J]

Hi All,

I am a long time reader, and first time poster.  My sincere apologies if I am posting this in the wrong area.  It touches on a few topics, and I was just not sure which area it should go.

I have a question (actually a few questions), and would welcome candor from those who have journeyed before me.  I am in my early 40s, a very successful businessman in my community, married 12 years with no kids, and well off financially.  I have a good overall view on life, and a good sense of self-esteem.  Of course,  it has not always been an easy road.  I have been in therapy for nearly six months to deal with an issue that I think many here can relate.  I have known from very early on in life that I identify as a female.  Without going into a lot of details, lets just say that until I went to counseling I was afraid to "come out to me." 

To that last point, I have lived life as a stereotypical male, meathead, jock type persona.  You can say that I have overcompensated for what I am now realizing inside.  I don't beat myself up about it, as I just didn't get it completely until six months of intensive counseling. However, now I feel like Columbus when he discovered the New World, and I want to get off of this ship and on to firm ground, and this is where it gets sticky.  I have lost several close friends to various diseases over the years, and know how brief life is.  I don't want to live a day longer in this body than I have to.

My wife has no clue about why I have been going to counseling.  She believes it has to do with parental and anxiety related issues.  The latter is partially correct, but for different reasons, as you can imagine.  I love her to pieces, and she is a bright star in my life.  She has helped me through so many things, and I would not be the success I am without her (nor would I have even started counseling).  She is also cisgendered, very straight, and my guess is that we may be friends should I decide to move forward with transitioning, but our marriage will cease to exist.  Honestly, my decision to transition is solely and entirely dependent on my love for my wife and fear of loss.

My therapist (who specializes in gender identity counseling) has advised that until I figure out what I want to do, that it is not fair to drag my wife through my exploration process.  She has said that I am free to decide what is in my interest, but knowing my wife as she does, that she believes the damage of having my uncertainty around transitioning will harm the relationship more than me just saying "This is what I have decided" and then working together to support each other during the transition.  My therapist has also indicated that I need to be really certain about my decision as once I am out, it will be impossible to go back.

So I am stuck.  I know the risks, and I know they are very real.  Unlike many, I have been blessed to work for an employer that pays for hormones, GRS, and counselling. I could take the next couple of years to slowly transition to the woman I am inside, and align my life in a way it has never been before...and risk losing it all in the process. 

So the questions....

...how did you know when you were ready to come out?  How do I know if it is right?  I hate being in this body, and every day that passes I want to be closer to the me inside.  How do I know if the risk of losing my wife is worth the reward (and additional risks) of becoming female?  How did you make the decision?  How did you know when the time was right, especially if you are/were married?

And...do you have any regrets?

Thank you so much for reading my post.  Going back to my Columbus analogy, I guess I am just hoping the land I am stepping onto is not quicksand   This is eating me up inside, and I am searching for solutions from others who have been there.

Thanks,

Toni

[KayCeeDee]

Hi Toni, there are a number of us in similar situations and also late-bloomers like you. I guess I knew I was ready when I had the OK to start on HRT, since that is pretty much a definite, no-going-back commitment. How do you know if it is worth the risks/rewards? That's something for you to figure out, but it sounds like you're miserable now... for me it was I was tired of being miserable trying to please everyone else.

No regrets, none at all.

[spacial]

Hi Toni

Are you certain your will  wife will react in a negative way?


Apologies, for the typo. Meant wife not will. Silly spell checker!

[Lesley_Roberta]

Two details that scream out.

No kids = no complications, and you need to resolve this before that detail changes.

Can you accept a life where you are allowed to 'act' female but at the end of the day you still have male sex organs and bodily features of a male if leaving things that way is what is needed to remain married?

Can you accept becoming female, and all the rest and becoming divorced? Because if she requires a man in her bed, and if you divorce and if she remains 'friends' but ends up finding a new 'man' aka human with an interest in performing atypical function as a male, can you deal with the result?

I AM a woman, I just happen to look like a man. I don't mind enjoying my sex life with male parts to a point. Feeling good is feeling good and I suppose I wouldn't feel 'better' if I was doing it with surgically created pseudo female parts.
I am not sure how my wife is coping (she's not prone to talking a lot and getting input out of her is never easy).
But I have made it plain she is life itself to me. I'd rather she was a widow than a divorcee.

At 40 life is hardly over, but, you will have missed out on a major sum of the experience of being female already
There won't be any fumbling first dates as a girl, no looking for work as a female in a male dominated world. None of the hell that is the beach for a girl.

I know myself, at 50, I have to wonder how much is worth fighting for when I consider I have missed a lot of the 'fun' portions.
No walking down the street in shorts too short or in shameless tops. Well not that I couldn't but there's a difference doing it as a 20 year old and a 50 year old

It looks like the ONLY detail you need to address, is the impact on your marriage. And to be honest, you will not experience a greater trial to your life than deciding to tell a wife of 12 years 'oh by the way dear, do you want to go shopping for dresses, I saw some great looking things I'd like to try on'.

If you married the right gal, odds are you find a great middle ground. Your 'transition' might involve no surgery and no physiological changes, but she might need to accept that you might wish to be a girl in girls clothing when possible. At night you might be required to play man role, and on the weekends you might be able to have girls night out.

I can only hope she likes the person IN the person enough to not care what the person likes to enjoy for decorations.

[Toni J]

Thanks for sharing thoughts.  I found this very helpful, and insightful.  A couple of thoughts on the comments:

- I am not miserable, and actually consider myself very blessed by life.  I spent 21 months in the middle east from 2007 - 2009 and saw how really terrible some people's lives can be and mine is pretty nice by comparison.  I have a gender alignment issue with my body and brain on different sides of the proverbial fence, but that's okay.   

- I found Lesley's comments especially helpful (thank you!) as it made me consider a few things that I had not before.  I honestly don't like my male body parts.  I don't and haven't since puberty.  Your comment about how much you are willing to fight for at 50 struck a chord, and I think that is the fundamental issue I am struggling with myself.  Through therapy I have a new awareness and can articulate how I feel inside, but what am I willing to do about it?  How much am I willing to fight is the crux of it. I think a lot, but...

- ...I am afraid of being alone.  Rather, afraid of being without my wife.  I am pretty certain she would leave.  I suspect after awhile we would be friends again, but it would take time.  Of course, no one can be for certain, but I do think that would be the case.

I think the worst part is that the more I find out about me, and who I am, the harder it is getting to live a lie and pretend to be something I am not.  I am good the way I was created, and am a decent and kind person.  That I am a woman in man's body does not change that, but the more I accept it internally, the more I want to express myself outwardly and align the two.  Right now the scale is in balance, and I don't know how to resolve the conflict.  Not even sure if / when to tell my wife. 

Thanks again for sharing thoughts.  I appreciate the community here

[Rachel]

If you decide to tell your wife ( only you will know when and how) then I offer a few suggestions,

1) buy all the transg books at Amazon ( just did) for her and you to read ( unfortunately I did after the fact),
2) Make sure 1st thing you tell her is something to let her know you love her, you are not cheating or leaving her. Then the next 4 hours is a tough time. Have tissues and lots of water for both of you.
3) Is what you want to be is "whole" from a gender / sex perspective or do you want to be happy from a gender / sex / SO perspective? If the latter then perhaps you may want to provide the information about where you are now and not the end "current thought" result.
4) make a joint appointment for the both of you to see the therapist ( will do Monday for me and my SO).

Good luck and hugs. 

If it is any help. I told my wife Friday night. Was told she would never have sex with me again, cuddled this afternoon, went to dinner and tonight, after the daughter goes to bed, we will share our love together. My wife is sis gender, a social worker but completley ignorant on transg issues. The future will be a compromise and I am excited to explore my new future.