Hi there. I'm new to Susan's but not to being trans. FTM, by the way
Too long, rather boring personal story as follows. Hope it makes some sense:
I guess I always saw myself as a male, but dysphoria didn't really hit me until puberty. Came out at 16, when hospitalized (psych unit) with severe depression. Got sent for counselling at a clinic for children and adolescents with GID. My experience there was beyond awful, with the last straw being that I found out about a serious breach of my patient confidentiality. Having lost trust in NHS "services", I went private (at my own expense, no help from family) at the age of 18. The doctor who treated me was fantastic, and got me to open up more about my gender dysphoria in one session than the counsellor at the clinic had managed in a year or so! He started me on T after my second appointment. There was no help from the NHS, as despite my having a private diagnosis of transsexualism my GP claimed it was "against policy" for them to convert my private prescription to an NHS one, or even to have their nurse do my injections. I ended up having the private doctor teach me how to inject myself.
I was on T for about 18-20 months. I'd got my name changed on everything possible: national insurance number, passport, everything. Had a referral letter and an initial consultation for chest surgery - although I couldn't get it done in the end (too fat, too poor)
. I was attending classes as male, in stealth mode, at a new school. Passed (mostly) in public. Where I didn't have my act together was in having a support network. I had nobody. Literally one person in my family (my sister) accepted me. Unfortunately she was living on the other side of the country. The rest of my family was just horrible, including my "supportive" (her term, not mine) mother. Refused to use my real name or proper pronouns, I was always "birth name" and "she". If I objected, I'd be told: "you're always going to be 'birth name'/'she' to us" or "you can call yourself whatever, but you can't make us play along", or "you're never going to be a man, you know". To make matters worse, when I left my old school after coming out as trans I found myself with no friends. It didn't get better, as I've never been particularly outgoing or the kind of person to make new friends easily. And so... I guess at some point things just got too much for me. I had another episode of depression, my family was being hideous, my doctor was retiring from his practice... I gradually started taking my T later and later than I was supposed to, and eventually my prescription ran out and I didn't go and get it renewed.
I never intended to detransition, and even now when I ask myself what the heck it was that I thought I was actually doing, I don't have an answer. I kept my hair cut short. I dressed male all of the time at first, then my mother would buy me a T-shirt or something from the ladies clothing, and yeah, I sort of ending up regressing way more than I realized after a while! I think I somehow wanted to make life work for me as a female-bodied person with a male identity, and at least maybe get to enjoy being treated like a human being and not a freak, and not have to worry about living stealth and getting found out.
...Later on I got around to starting university, and decided I was going to be myself and if people had problems with me then they could *bleep* off. So I was open with everybody from the start about being trans, and found some really great people who accepted me for myself. I even dated a guy (now my ex, and still a great friend) who knew exactly what my deal was and was ready to support me all the way. Later on got together with my current partner, who is still with me nearly 3 years later. Uni was a really good experience for me, but it was also a kind of social "bubble" that had to burst eventually. After graduating, I am no longer in a world of gender-neutral toilet facilities and widespread LGBT acceptance. The reality is that my physical dysphoria (which never went away) is once again accompanied by socially-induced distress from being misgendered pretty much everywhere at all times. At uni I was accepted in my trans identity; to the rest of the world I am female. I have accepted that there is no option for me that will resolve this other than transition, and I am currently taking steps to get this happening (again!) while hoping for better luck this time with NHS. Hoping that Susan's Place will be a place for me to learn from other people's experiences and be able to share the ups and downs of trans life
tl;dr: Having a 2nd go at transition after burning out on the first go-round. Family with lousy attitude. Re-entering gender-binary enforcing world after uni, and smacked so hard around the head by resulting dysphoria that cannot face not transitioning. Nervous of NHS trans services.
