Frustration at myself for putting myself in this situation

[Ashley Allison]

Hi there, I guess I need a little reassurance, sympathy, or even advice as I have not posted in almost 6 months... I joined Susans.org over three years ago, and since then I have had wrecking dysphoria (just like in the previous years of my life before susans)... Yet, little action  has been done on my part; which makes me feel like someone who is not true to myself.  True, I came out to a few friends and was preparing to come out to my family but that dissipated when the pressures of a girlfriend, work, school, and future came to hold me down.  But that is not an excuse, it was me that did not come straight forward and be honest. 

Since then, I experienced my brother (mtf) coming out as transgender, which would make make her my sister now... It certainly made me rethink why I feel like this, and realize the lack of control I have over my dysphoria.  It made me feel SO ashamed and embarrassed for not coming out to my family; I feel like I was pre-empted my sister.  At the same time, my now sister completely embarrassed herself through a series of events of drug abuse, perpetrating domestic violence, and demonstrating a complete lack of self control.  I reached out to the beautiful community her at susans.org and you gave me great advice that I internalized and took to heart.  In the mean time, I have had to act as the "big brother" trying to guide a family through the perils of a transgender sibling and a child who is irresponsible... A position I can't identify with nor want; I am a woman inside and acting like this is like hell.  I am playing this role that would be good as an acting gig, but not good as a life style.  How can I be a character I am not? I have been grateful to see how my family has reacted to my sibling... My father unaccepting but polite, my mother always scheduling doctor's appointments and attending support groups, my sisters angry and feeling malice.  It has been interesting to see this unfold.  I wish it was me.  I wish it was me who had enough courage to step out from the shadows and reveal my true self.  Instead, it was my younger sibling who has completely abused my family's acceptance; and now made me feel that if I ever come out I will be rejected (I am also the only remaining "male" in my siblings and feel this pressure to keep on the family name).

In the mean time, I tried to make my life work.  I tried to keep my dysphoria on hold.  I got accepted and am now attending a graduate school, in a promising career, and honestly am doing really well with it.  I gave off no more signals to my family or friends, and tried to keep my dysphoria on the down low.  In fact, I got a girlfriend who I fell in love with.  Of course, tonight we broke up and now my feelings have been flooding back (in fact, they have been flooding back for the past couple weeks). My girlfriend was like morphine on my tattered soul.  I tried to have a normal relationship, I tried to have normal relations... But every time I gave her flowers, I felt I should receive them back.  When ever I made love, I wished I was being loved to the other way back... Whenever I watched her dress, express herself like she did... I wish I had the ability to express myself like that too, as a woman... And for that, our relationship failed tonight.  Now I am left with a severe rush of dysphoria (Lol, I am looking at wigs to top off my outfits online, like no buddy's business).

I am left feeling so sad about myself:  An inability to come out to my family in time: an inability to make appropriate relationship choices that will build me up rather than make me envious: an inability to hold on to what I hold true and act through it.

I look at all the other girls on here and honestly am so jealous of your courage. You should all really be proud of that.  When I look down I see the parts that don't exist, but should have developed in the past few years had I have been honest with myself and followed through with it.  I want to feel happy, and when I chase happiness, with fleeting relationships, it doesn't grasp me.  Maybe, just maybe, I need to grasp myself.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to say what I did. Thanks for advice and or comments so, so much!!

[MaidofOrleans]

Hello forallittook,

Quite a story and i'd love to make a few comments. First of all I do not think that you are without courage. It takes quite a bit of courage in not selflessness to act in the way you did when your sister and family was in peril. You should at least be proud of yourself for that. I think quite a few trans people including myself put transition on hold for fear of hurting those we loved.

If you find you cannot control the dysphoria by other means and seek transition, that you make this story known to your family. Most cis people just cannot comprehend the war inside our heads and some of the things we suffer through to not cause pain to others and this is a perfect example of it.  It may be harder for you because your sister has not provided them a decent view of trans people with her actions but perhaps a responsible person such as yourself can redeem that in their eyes. It will be difficult but in the end you must do whats right for you and what will bring you the most happiness. Perhaps that may seem a little selfish but no one should live life in misery for the comfort of others.

Good luck to you and all the best. You always have friends and allies here and in places you least expect

[Rita]

Nothing wrong with being the responsible BIG sister.

At the same time, I feel your drama.  If I had a "brother" who came out before me I would probably of had been significantly more nervous about coming out as well.  At the same time you have someone who might understand you, I really think you should open up to your sister as long as she can keep it in confidence.

My thoughts on it is given how strong you seem as a person, you will eventually break and get to a point where coming out is necessary to move on with your life. 

[muuu]

.

[Misato]

I don't think our paths are all that dissimilar.  I didn't have a sibling who transitioned, but me and mine came to know several trans peope before I came out.  These people made it harder, one in particular used trans to make other people uncomfortable.  I'm pretty sure they were weren't trans either, just mean.  Wait, how could I forget this, there is another person in my immediate family who falls under the broader trans category.  He (he id's as a male, I checked) forced me into having to emphasize that I am a functioning woman, I'm not in this for some kind of thrill, to some of the people I came out to.

I just finished graduate school in May (congratulations for getting in by the way), and also have a promising career.  I beleive I would have lost it all had I not transitioned.  I the anger I was carrying around all the time from being trapped as a male was isolating me and I'm darn sure it was going to cost me my job one day had I not broken free.

Still, a sibling transitioning.  That's gotta be extra hard, yet delicate.  My SO talks about this not-real-but-yet-very-real competition she has between her sister and herself.  I dread to think what kind of competition would come into the mix between trans siblings!  Especially since I gather you'll be seeking a more graceful transition.  Not that trans and your sister's behavior are necessarly linked, just, the risk of the trans factor mudding the waters is high.

I wish I could give you a big ole' hug.  I'm not that good with words but I feel for the tough spot you're in.

You'll be ok and you'll get through this.  Concentrate on the successes you've had in your life and look forward to adding your transition to that list.  Who knows, maybe your sister will benefit from having you as a big sister and my earlier concern will be unwarranted.

Finally, maybe it's good you're going second.  If your sister had to go after you, from what you described of her, she may have had a harder time handling the situation you now find yourself in.

Again, I so wish I could just give you a hug!  Maybe have a little cry.  Enjoy some chocolate...

[Ashley Allison]

I know I didn't reply to all of your comments over a month ago... But, I really wanted to reply now as I am on break for school!!

Misato33: I really want to have this more graceful transition... I am writing out what I want to say to my siblings, my parents, and my friends.  It is funny that you talk about the anger of being male, and transitioning.  The amount of time I think about being male and disdaining it is such a compromise to succeeding, but then I feel like I could compromise my future in my profession by coming out.  I guess my fear is making this a Catch 22, but I am hoping it is really not.  Also, congrats girl on graduating from Graduate School in May  That is so great to hear and provides me some hope! Hugs back and I will go have a little cry... And some chocolate

Muuu: Coming out after my family member could definitely be interpreted as copying someone else.  But, I try to reason that I have proof of me having these issues (mainly writings from the past) that would "prove" I have always had this.  I have this sneaking suspicion though that my family would probably not believe me, and if they did it might cause the dissolution of the family (or at least in my worst nightmares).  So, super, super nervous.  I completely agree with you that I should not keep on doing what I am doing.  I cycle between everything is okay and these horrible dysphoria attacks...

Rita: I really, really want to be the responsible big SISTER (Ah, that sounds so good compared to saying big brother)

MaidofOrleans: When I talked to my Dad about my sibling transitioning, he just couldn't understand... He said he had "Never though about one's own gender before." It just wasn't something he thought of.  From my own life, this war in my head has been going on for so long that it is normal to me.  So, I've actually had a hard time understanding how cis people don't understand this war.  Hopefully, I can express a little more eloquently what I feel and what is going on.  I am trying to reconcile how to not put transition on hold and not appear overtly selfish at in a vulnerable family time.  But, I feel that I need to transition for my own literal health (is that selfish lol?).   Thanks for the heartfelt advice

[Rachel]

Hugs,

I feel your pain and hope you can come to terms. I think you are very brave and have a lot of courage and think about others feelings above yours. You placed a lot on your plate to handle.

I too have placed others happiness above my own my whole life. I have a good life but not fully lived my life. I ( Cynthia) want to live before I die. I am working on a loosely organized plan ( set back a few weeks due to giving someone some room) with some distinct goals. Each achievement ( usually small but some have been big) gives me confidence and a sence of calm ( after the great emotional upheaval from the event).  However, each time I achieve a goal and I get more confidence and a bit of calm it promotes further incentive to becoming myself.