Self consciousness in public?

[halfsleep]

I mentioned in my introduction thread that I have been coming to certain realizations in the past month or so. Specifically, that I want to start taking the steps to transition to become a man.

But the problem is, I don't pass. I recently moved to this town in New York to stay with my friend, and I mean this is a really ->-bleeped-<-ty, ghetto, misogynistic town. I still get catcalled on the street, and it's getting to the point where I don't even want to leave the house, because I'm afraid I'll snap.

I hate going out to stores because I feel like I know what people are thinking: butch dyke. And I despise that classification. Obviously there isn't much I can do to change the facial features I was born with, but I feel that getting on T would make a difference. I mean, I've seen guys on Youtube who have made amazing transformations facial-wise.

Does anyone else feel this anxiety? Or like you're kind of just "playing the part" until you can start HRT?

[Edge]

I feel that anxiety all the time. As for playing the part, I feel like I've been playing the part of a female for so long, I don't know how to act now. Which, of course, adds to the anxiety.

[spacial]

Big sympathies. It is utterly intolerable what you are forced to face.

I think most of us feel we are playing a part.

Good to see you by the way.

[FTMDiaries]

Welcome!

I feel your pain. I don't pass either; I get 'madamed' almost every day. And like you, I'm extremely uncomfortable with being thought of as a butch dyke (particularly since I don't even like women in that way!).

But you know what? I have to be myself anyway, despite what other people may say or do.

Part of the FtM transition process involves discarding female socialisation and trying to figure out how to live life as a male instead. I daresay you have been socialised to put others' needs before your own: most female-born people are socialised like that. So we can and do feel a great deal of anxiety when we decide to transition and start trying to figure out how to be male. We have been taught to never rock the boat; to never put our heads above the parapet; to seek the consensus of others before doing anything. Figuring out how to put yourself first, disregarding the opinions of others, is a very steep learning curve when you've been socialised to do the exact opposite.

We've spent so long suppressing our natures so that we can play the part of being female that we're almost frightened to assert ourselves. It takes time, practice and a lot of patience... but I can assure you it is worth the fight. Becoming a man involves (amongst many other things) becoming your own person and asserting your influence on your life, rather than waiting for everyone else's permission to let you do what you need to do. You already have the skills you need to learn how to become a man: you used them to learn how to play the part of a female.

So just do it.

The late, great Eleanor Roosevelt once said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Part of becoming who you really are involves withdrawing that consent. Who cares if someone wants to think you're a butch dyke? Who the heck are they to tell you who you are allowed to be? Oh, and if catcalls bother you, there's always the iPod to drown out the noise and dark glasses to prevent eye contact.

You know your own truth. Live it.

[JoanneB]

Does anyone else feel this anxiety? Or like you're kind of just "playing the part" until you can start HRT?

I moved from across the river from mid-town Manhattan to across the creek from hillbilly country. Talk about anxiety when you are living in the middle of a mini bible belt. Once you start feeling more self confident and your self esteem increases because you are finally living as you always fely you should be you stop noticing the haters as much. Self preservation says you always stay aware.

Just because I live in "Realville" I have to add that HRT is not a magic pill that will change the world. If you are expecting the world to change you are headed to severe dissapointment. Yes HRT helps in how you view yourself.  That helps immensly with boosting your self confidence and self esteem. If it affects how others see you is benifit you should not count on.

[Darkflame]

I'm extremely self conscious in public, more so when I'm not binded and I look female. It's to the point where I've had a social anxiety label for years. Playing the part really takes a toll in the long run, you start to forget who you were in the first place, the social cues are just written in permanent marker on my brain. It's much better when I'm out and passing, but that almost adds the pressure to not screw up and give myself away. People must think I'm mute, I get so self conscious about my voice I'll go to ridiculous lengths to keep quiet.

[halfsleep]

I daresay you have been socialised to put others' needs before your own: most female-born people are socialised like that. So we can and do feel a great deal of anxiety when we decide to transition and start trying to figure out how to be male.

We've spent so long suppressing our natures so that we can play the part of being female that we're almost frightened to assert ourselves. It takes time, practice and a lot of patience... but I can assure you it is worth the fight. Becoming a man involves (amongst many other things) becoming your own person and asserting your influence on your life, rather than waiting for everyone else's permission to let you do what you need to do.

You really just put things into perspective for me. I love this post.

Just because I live in "Realville" I have to add that HRT is not a magic pill that will change the world. If you are expecting the world to change you are headed to severe dissapointment. Yes HRT helps in how you view yourself.  That helps immensly with boosting your self confidence and self esteem. If it affects how others see you is benifit you should not count on.

Oh, of course. I know that the society around me isn't going to change just because I start HRT. But it'll sure take away some of my insecurities.

[Sierra Dasilva]

Hi there.
The thing with me is that i dont look female so its more of a challenge to fit in.

[holly_]

Hi there.
The thing with me is that i dont look female so its more of a challenge to fit in.

Sweetie, you look amazing!!

[Shannon1979]

I have been assured that i do pass well, but that doesnt take away the self concious feeling. But i find that it generally abaits after a short while. Some of the anxiety comes from when i just leave out of home. this is because although i dont really know people that well were i live. there is the possibility that someone would recognize me. its not the being recognized that botheres me its the reaction im afraid of getting. But once i get out of where i live it tends to abate quickly. Generally the thing that bothers me after that is men in cars staring. But i suppose i would too if i saw a six foot tall woman walking down the street.

Thing is you have to be who you are. And if that doesnt conform to some screwed up societal norm then so be it i dont care.

[Jess42]

Well halfsleep, as a male and present myself that way publicly because I just don't have the courage yet. I am self conscious everywhere I go. I think I have social anxiety. When I first started shaving my legs and under arms just to feel a little feminine, I thought I would catch hell. First time I wore shorts I was really anxious about it. I know people can see. Yet there were no comments or even strange stares. It really wasn't as bad as I made it out to be in my head. Guys will always cat call women, that is what they were born to do, not to mention the mob mentality and the alpha male stuff. Keep on with the hormones and you'll see what I'm talking about when you're with other guys and can pass in your own mind comfortably.

It's really hard for me to give you advice since I don't have enough courage myself, but let'em think what they want to think about you. What's important is what and how you think of yourself.

[Heavenlywind]

Being self conscious stinks, I've been dealing with that since I was in junior high and still get super self conscious in public. I also get self conscious when I'm alone as well.

For me its not that I care what others think. Its people looking at me that triggers it which makes me extremely self conscious in public. I used to be afraid of going out as well. I would have to literally be dragged to go out by people.. Its another thing one has to overcome eventually.

I'd say just do it and try to zone out your mind and do your business.  When I first started to go out on my own I used to listen to music that made me feel good about myself. Also, I turned the volume really loud on purpose and sang quietly to myself with a smile on (I look at the ground now :/). At least people with common sense will leave you alone. If people talked to me I would tap my headphones and shrug at them. With cashiers or something I would just point at what I wanted if something was behind the counter. Also, pretending not to know any English. Its pretty mean and rude, but it gets a little easier to go out each time.

I hope you can find a way to get outside at least. I'm sure you know staying inside all the time can make you feel bonkers.

[JulieC.]

I know how you feel. I don't pass well.  Sometimes I look better than other times but even at my best I'm self conscience and the anxiety is always there.  It does seem to improve over time.
I was born in a small town in upstate NY.  I haven't lived there in decades but it wasn't a place of open minded liberals.  I think if I still lived there it would be even harder for me.

[ConfusedGirlRuby]

Hi Halfsleep. I know how you feel because i'm in the same boat, but MTF rather than FTM. Personally I feel like i'm just wearing a mask until I can start HRT, or pretend i'm having a lazy day where i'm not doing anything and that's why people notice. For me it helps to avoid mirrors and focus on tasks which don't remind me of how i'm presenting.

I'm fortunate at the moment to be "Passable", but only when I put in several hours worth of getting ready in terms of padding, make-up, clothing etc, and even then sometimes people can tell, but not usually. However i'm coming to my wits end because as i'm getting older i'm getting more masculine, i.e. big shoulders, hands, feet etc. So I know eventually I won't be passable unless I get HRT soon.

I think you should do well on HRT though, most FTMs i've seen pass incredibly well once they've started testosterone. Facial hair and deeper voice will help aswell.

Good luck in your journey hun, i'm always here if you need someone to inbox xx